Another shot at it

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Ccman123, May 30, 2020.

  1. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 47

    I'm finally completely caught up in reality thanks to a week of assessments in every class. I've been studying basically non stop for the past 3 days but I'm still not gonna be able to do well on some of my tests this weeks because I realized how far I was behind too late. Despite that, I'm actually proud of myself for managing to see what's important for me, and honestly doing my best. Especially yesterday, I studied over 12 hours, which is something that would be unimaginable if I was myself from 2 months ago, and not who I am today. I felt really irritable but after recognizing that I was trying my hardest, I felt a little more at ease with myself and that understanding led to me being less grumpy. I'm basically writing this on a small study break right now, about to get back into it.

    Another thing that I did when I started to feel really grumpy and irritable was that I wrote down all the things that I'm looking forward to doing once I get through these next couple of weeks of intense studying. I don't know why, but it made these long days ahead seem more manageable.

    One day at a time, doing my best everyday.
  2. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 49

    So I'm past the bulk of my tests tests for this week and after finishing late last night, I let myself watch a lot of netflix before going to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping lately because I've been using caffeine to try and stay more alert during my studying later in the day. After going to bed later last night, I still woke up at the time I normally do naturally even though I wanted to sleep in, so I just got up and honestly I don't feel too bad. I skipped doing too intense of workouts this week because they take too long and instead have been going for quick 10 min runs on study breaks. After I finish writing this I'm going to get on with my morning routine (meditation and workout) and then get back into my school work.

    Because of the elevated stress I've had more urges to look at P but I know that making my immediate discomfort go away with something that will make me extremely disappointed and frustrated with myself is not ever the answer. I just want to be at peace with myself and do things that I believe in, and watching P is not something that I'm morally ok with anymore. Of course the main motivator for me to quit P is that I literally don't feel like I could satisfy a women because of my PIED, and recently I've started to get random erections while I'm not fantasizing at all. Only a couple, but seeing that I'm actually making progress is really motivating.

    I'm also feeling urges to play video games but I know that I can't allow myself to do that until I'm doing better in school.

    I'm going to succeed because I have to succeed to be able to live with myself, I can't live that life anymore. I'm only 49 days in and I could go back to square 1 so easily if I lose focus. No excuses, 1 day at a time.
    Bilbo Baggins and Dee556pak like this.
  3. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 52

    Yesterday was the closest I was to looking at P. My family left for the weekend, and I couldn't go with them because I literally have 3 tests the day after they come back. Anyways, in the past literally every single time I'm left alone at home for a while, I relapse. I'm not using any P blockers because I believe that to make this lifestyle sustainable, my resolve for living this way needs to be extremely strong. I was feeling incredibly emotional, ended up having really bad anxiety and literally went to my pc, 1 google search away from setting my counter back to 0 and having to restart, but as I sat there after clicking on the search bar, I went over all the reasons that I can't life that way anymore and realized through literally reliving all of my previous cravings and relapses, that this feeling would pass, and I would be so much happier with myself if I didn't do it. I was literally shaking, but I closed my pc, and went to just get myself busy with chores (laundry, dishes, cleaning). I managed to wait it out, and am really happy I did. I'm proud of myself for being able to get through yesterday, but it taught me that I can't have prolonged periods of doing nothing, I need to keep busy.

    I'm going to make a list of everything I need to get done at the start of every week now, and it's going to include even the things I do for fun, so that I can look at the list and pick an activity when I feel like I don't know what I should be doing.
  4. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 0

    I relapsed this morning. I don't want to dwell on it too much, but I think I know why it happened.

    I started waking up later and later these past couple days and started losing the drive to get started with my day. I looked at social media first thing after I got up after having breakfast, which already should of been a red flag, and I ended up going down a rabbit hole, and the chaser effect kicked in.

    This was a slow leadup for a few days though. I started looking at social media again for the last couple of days, and loneliness on top of those slips led to this relapse.

    I'm starting right away, right now with moving forwards again. I may have taken a couple of steps back with this relapse, but I've taken so many more steps forward in the past 52 days. I won't let what I've learned and gained go to waste, I'm getting right back on track. I'll make it to 2021 without PMO and get my life back. I will do this.

    Lastly, after relapsing I realized that I wasn't telling myself to do my best in the moment at all. That's something that was super crucial to being successful in this streak.

    I'm not going to lose, I will make it to next year with no PMO. Just 1 day at a time.
  5. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 0 part 2

    Ok so I did something today that I should of done a long time ago. I was doing this whole thing focusing on 1 day at a time (up until this morning) and something that I think I was missing that is really important is a clear picture of who I want to be in the future. I have a paper journal that I occasionally write in when I feel like I've learned something about myself and what I did today was write a couple pages about what kind of person I don't want to be, and a couple pages about the person I want to be in a few years, and how I was going to get there. It made me feel motivated to get back to my healthy habits immediately without falling into a rut like I would in the past when I relapsed.
  6. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Nice. What you're describing is similar to an activity called 'future authoring', something I did a while ago but have fallen out of touch with a little. It's very powerful and I want to thank you for sharing this, your post serves as a reminder to me and many others that keeping who we want to become at the centre of our journey is essential.

    Regardless of your stumble, congrats on going 52 days no P - that's some serious progress!
  7. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Thank you! I'm glad that my learning and growth can serve as a reminder to others. Congrats on making it to the fabled 90 days btw, your progress is also very inspiring to me.
  8. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 2

    I'm more disciplined now, I've been staying pretty focused on my studies and not spending nearly as much time being distracted or procrastinating. Life is so much simpler and easier to manage this way. I've decided on what I want to pursue in my academic future, but for me to get into that program, I need extremely good grades. I'm starting behind because I had a couple weeks where I wasn't focused at all on school, but now I'm working hard to try and flip my grades around. Honestly, I'm doubtful about whether I can do this but all I can do is try my best. If I succeed, I'll be extremely happy but if I don't, I'll know that I tried my best and still be ok with moving forwards. What's unacceptable is giving up before trying.

    I'm also trying to stop using the idea of being able to have successful sex as a focus for this reboot. It's causing me to over think this journey, and test myself too often. When I recover I'll be recovered, in the mean time, I need to focus on just doing my best to achieve my goals. What's important is what I do right now, in this moment.
  9. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 3

    I had strong urges to PMO while I was in the shower today but instead of trying to block out the thoughts, I internalized them and then rationalized why acting on those temptations is not something that I want to do anymore. From experience, this is the best way to get through these moments because it makes me more confident in dealing with future strong urges and also serves as a reminder to why I don't want PMO to be a part of my life.

    I think I need to start going for walks outside everyday now that it's too cold to workout outside. Not spending any time outside has taken a pretty big hit on my mental health, and I was acting really unreasonable yesterday when talking to my family. I felt bad about the way I handled my discomfort about something that happened so I told myself before my meditation today that I'll try to be more compassionate and understanding towards my family.

    I read somewhere that every time you say no to a bad habit, your brain rewires a little bit. I use that idea as motivation for not giving in to small distractions like watching a quick youtube video or grabbing a snack when I go to get water from the kitchen. I think that rewarding myself after I've done enough work to be proud of myself is healthy though, because having things to look forward to everyday is necessary for me to not get depressed.
  10. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 4

    I didn't do very well this morning. I woke up late, was slow getting started with my day and ended up scrolling through social media, while skipping my morning meditation and workout.

    I haven't been sleeping well this past week so I turned off my alarm to try and let myself sleep longer but I ended up waking up when I normally do and just stayed in bed awake for an extra hour before getting up. I also haven't been as rigid with when I do my routine this week. Some days I do my workout after lunch, sometimes at night. This has made me feel less driven to get things done as soon as my day starts and it's leaving me feeling overall less motivated. This is a huge reminder to me of what makes habits sustainable. The importance of doing these healthy habits at the same time every day is really apparent to me now. I'm going to still do a workout and meditate so that I don't feel like today was a complete setback, but I'm turning my alarm back on for tomorrow and I'm getting back into the routine that's been so good for me these past couple months.

    All I have to do is focus on doing my best for the rest of today.

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