Another shot at it

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Ccman123, May 30, 2020.

  1. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 47

    I'm finally completely caught up in reality thanks to a week of assessments in every class. I've been studying basically non stop for the past 3 days but I'm still not gonna be able to do well on some of my tests this weeks because I realized how far I was behind too late. Despite that, I'm actually proud of myself for managing to see what's important for me, and honestly doing my best. Especially yesterday, I studied over 12 hours, which is something that would be unimaginable if I was myself from 2 months ago, and not who I am today. I felt really irritable but after recognizing that I was trying my hardest, I felt a little more at ease with myself and that understanding led to me being less grumpy. I'm basically writing this on a small study break right now, about to get back into it.

    Another thing that I did when I started to feel really grumpy and irritable was that I wrote down all the things that I'm looking forward to doing once I get through these next couple of weeks of intense studying. I don't know why, but it made these long days ahead seem more manageable.

    One day at a time, doing my best everyday.
  2. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 49

    So I'm past the bulk of my tests tests for this week and after finishing late last night, I let myself watch a lot of netflix before going to sleep. I've been having trouble sleeping lately because I've been using caffeine to try and stay more alert during my studying later in the day. After going to bed later last night, I still woke up at the time I normally do naturally even though I wanted to sleep in, so I just got up and honestly I don't feel too bad. I skipped doing too intense of workouts this week because they take too long and instead have been going for quick 10 min runs on study breaks. After I finish writing this I'm going to get on with my morning routine (meditation and workout) and then get back into my school work.

    Because of the elevated stress I've had more urges to look at P but I know that making my immediate discomfort go away with something that will make me extremely disappointed and frustrated with myself is not ever the answer. I just want to be at peace with myself and do things that I believe in, and watching P is not something that I'm morally ok with anymore. Of course the main motivator for me to quit P is that I literally don't feel like I could satisfy a women because of my PIED, and recently I've started to get random erections while I'm not fantasizing at all. Only a couple, but seeing that I'm actually making progress is really motivating.

    I'm also feeling urges to play video games but I know that I can't allow myself to do that until I'm doing better in school.

    I'm going to succeed because I have to succeed to be able to live with myself, I can't live that life anymore. I'm only 49 days in and I could go back to square 1 so easily if I lose focus. No excuses, 1 day at a time.
    Bilbo Baggins and Dee556pak like this.
  3. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 52

    Yesterday was the closest I was to looking at P. My family left for the weekend, and I couldn't go with them because I literally have 3 tests the day after they come back. Anyways, in the past literally every single time I'm left alone at home for a while, I relapse. I'm not using any P blockers because I believe that to make this lifestyle sustainable, my resolve for living this way needs to be extremely strong. I was feeling incredibly emotional, ended up having really bad anxiety and literally went to my pc, 1 google search away from setting my counter back to 0 and having to restart, but as I sat there after clicking on the search bar, I went over all the reasons that I can't life that way anymore and realized through literally reliving all of my previous cravings and relapses, that this feeling would pass, and I would be so much happier with myself if I didn't do it. I was literally shaking, but I closed my pc, and went to just get myself busy with chores (laundry, dishes, cleaning). I managed to wait it out, and am really happy I did. I'm proud of myself for being able to get through yesterday, but it taught me that I can't have prolonged periods of doing nothing, I need to keep busy.

    I'm going to make a list of everything I need to get done at the start of every week now, and it's going to include even the things I do for fun, so that I can look at the list and pick an activity when I feel like I don't know what I should be doing.
  4. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 0

    I relapsed this morning. I don't want to dwell on it too much, but I think I know why it happened.

    I started waking up later and later these past couple days and started losing the drive to get started with my day. I looked at social media first thing after I got up after having breakfast, which already should of been a red flag, and I ended up going down a rabbit hole, and the chaser effect kicked in.

    This was a slow leadup for a few days though. I started looking at social media again for the last couple of days, and loneliness on top of those slips led to this relapse.

    I'm starting right away, right now with moving forwards again. I may have taken a couple of steps back with this relapse, but I've taken so many more steps forward in the past 52 days. I won't let what I've learned and gained go to waste, I'm getting right back on track. I'll make it to 2021 without PMO and get my life back. I will do this.

    Lastly, after relapsing I realized that I wasn't telling myself to do my best in the moment at all. That's something that was super crucial to being successful in this streak.

    I'm not going to lose, I will make it to next year with no PMO. Just 1 day at a time.
  5. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 0 part 2

    Ok so I did something today that I should of done a long time ago. I was doing this whole thing focusing on 1 day at a time (up until this morning) and something that I think I was missing that is really important is a clear picture of who I want to be in the future. I have a paper journal that I occasionally write in when I feel like I've learned something about myself and what I did today was write a couple pages about what kind of person I don't want to be, and a couple pages about the person I want to be in a few years, and how I was going to get there. It made me feel motivated to get back to my healthy habits immediately without falling into a rut like I would in the past when I relapsed.
  6. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Nice. What you're describing is similar to an activity called 'future authoring', something I did a while ago but have fallen out of touch with a little. It's very powerful and I want to thank you for sharing this, your post serves as a reminder to me and many others that keeping who we want to become at the centre of our journey is essential.

    Regardless of your stumble, congrats on going 52 days no P - that's some serious progress!
  7. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Thank you! I'm glad that my learning and growth can serve as a reminder to others. Congrats on making it to the fabled 90 days btw, your progress is also very inspiring to me.
  8. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 2

    I'm more disciplined now, I've been staying pretty focused on my studies and not spending nearly as much time being distracted or procrastinating. Life is so much simpler and easier to manage this way. I've decided on what I want to pursue in my academic future, but for me to get into that program, I need extremely good grades. I'm starting behind because I had a couple weeks where I wasn't focused at all on school, but now I'm working hard to try and flip my grades around. Honestly, I'm doubtful about whether I can do this but all I can do is try my best. If I succeed, I'll be extremely happy but if I don't, I'll know that I tried my best and still be ok with moving forwards. What's unacceptable is giving up before trying.

    I'm also trying to stop using the idea of being able to have successful sex as a focus for this reboot. It's causing me to over think this journey, and test myself too often. When I recover I'll be recovered, in the mean time, I need to focus on just doing my best to achieve my goals. What's important is what I do right now, in this moment.
  9. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 3

    I had strong urges to PMO while I was in the shower today but instead of trying to block out the thoughts, I internalized them and then rationalized why acting on those temptations is not something that I want to do anymore. From experience, this is the best way to get through these moments because it makes me more confident in dealing with future strong urges and also serves as a reminder to why I don't want PMO to be a part of my life.

    I think I need to start going for walks outside everyday now that it's too cold to workout outside. Not spending any time outside has taken a pretty big hit on my mental health, and I was acting really unreasonable yesterday when talking to my family. I felt bad about the way I handled my discomfort about something that happened so I told myself before my meditation today that I'll try to be more compassionate and understanding towards my family.

    I read somewhere that every time you say no to a bad habit, your brain rewires a little bit. I use that idea as motivation for not giving in to small distractions like watching a quick youtube video or grabbing a snack when I go to get water from the kitchen. I think that rewarding myself after I've done enough work to be proud of myself is healthy though, because having things to look forward to everyday is necessary for me to not get depressed.
  10. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 4

    I didn't do very well this morning. I woke up late, was slow getting started with my day and ended up scrolling through social media, while skipping my morning meditation and workout.

    I haven't been sleeping well this past week so I turned off my alarm to try and let myself sleep longer but I ended up waking up when I normally do and just stayed in bed awake for an extra hour before getting up. I also haven't been as rigid with when I do my routine this week. Some days I do my workout after lunch, sometimes at night. This has made me feel less driven to get things done as soon as my day starts and it's leaving me feeling overall less motivated. This is a huge reminder to me of what makes habits sustainable. The importance of doing these healthy habits at the same time every day is really apparent to me now. I'm going to still do a workout and meditate so that I don't feel like today was a complete setback, but I'm turning my alarm back on for tomorrow and I'm getting back into the routine that's been so good for me these past couple months.

    All I have to do is focus on doing my best for the rest of today.
  11. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    It's been a while...

    So 4 days after my first relapse, I relapsed again but much more heavily. A friend of mine then helped me get back on track with school, and made me realize the importance of trying my best everyday I since then I've been doing a gratitude journal and meditating on how grateful I am every day for the past 10 days, but unfortunately I relapsed a second time yesterday just as heavily.

    This past week I studied harder than I ever have in my entire life. I found a future career that is motivating me enough to work as hard as I possibly can, and that's what I've been doing. Although I've been studying a really large amount, I still get the feeling that I could be doing more, I could be more focused, I could be trying harder, I could be studying more effectively.

    Anyways, I became extremely complacent. Since I've been dedicating all my time and effort towards becoming a better student, I haven't been spending as much time thinking about why I need to quit PMO. I think what I'm doing is necessary for now, so I ended up installing heavy porn and social media blockers on all my devices. I get really bad waves of loneliness where I just pace around my house trying not to cry and social media is a way to feel less lonely, but I thought about it a lot yesterday and I'm going to rely on the people that have gotten me this far in life. My friends and family. If I feel a wave, I'll reach out and try and connect with someone. It could be just asking how they're doing, or even playing a game with a friend or watching a show with them or something (since the weather here is really bad).

    I think a gratitude journal is super important. I realized that I've been taking my life for granted. I have so many things that I'm incredibly lucky to have and I should use this opportunity that I've been given to try my absolute best.
    UK Don likes this.
  12. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 0

    I relapsed again. I'm really trying not to be so hard on myself considering I'm making so many positive changes to my life but I can't take away the fact that I feel really disappointed with myself. I'm going to try and meditate twice a day instead of just in the morning, but if I'm not feeling up to it some days I'm not gonna be too hard on myself. This morning I thought about why I keep relapsing. I think there's a few big reasons.

    #1 is that I'm just way more isolated. For some reason I feel like I can't really relate with my friends, it might be an illusion that I've built up for myself because I've now spent such a long period isolated, but it's something that's making me feel like I shouldn't even bother trying to connect with them. I feel like an outsider. I always have, being around my friend's has always exhausted me. I think back and I don't really have very many fond memories of being with my friends, I constantly self-deprecate myself around them because I'm insecure about so many things and I really hate showing weakness so when they say something that bothers me, I just basically shut down. I feel like shit for the rest of the day and just stay quiet, but I never let anyone know. I should clarify that this is only when I'm not in a 1 on 1 situation. I have 2 friends who have really been there for me and I'm incredibly grateful for them, I think I should make a much greater effort to spend more time with them.

    #2 is that I'm trying too hard. I thought that to compensate for the years of being a PMO zombie, I need to do something amazing and drastic to feel like I'm alive again. This is so false. The only thing that's ever really worked for me is appreciating the little things in life. Appreciating my family, the friends who make me feel connected, being able to walk outside carefree, being able to invest so much into my future without worrying about whether I will be able to pay for food or housing right now. I get delicious home cooked meals from my mom almost everyday, how awesome is that? I have a little sister who looks up to me and shares everything about her day with me and despite the weird way of showing it, it's very clear that my dad and brother care for me deeply.

    I want to meditate twice a day to really reflect on how lucky and grateful I am for all these things. I think that I was doing this whole no PMO for someone that's not even in my life. "A future girlfriend" who I don't even know is not something I'm going to spend any more time wasting energy thinking about. When the time comes, maybe someone amazing will come into my life, but focusing on that is not healthy, and not fair to the people who are in my life today.

    #3 Ok this final reason is a little weird. So I have this weird idea in my head that all ego is bad, so every time I have a thought that I think is bred from ego, I try to shut it down. I realize now that this is not healthy and is just making me hate myself a lot more, and causing a lot of internal conflict. Having faith that I can do something amazing with my life I think is really good fuel to work hard sometimes.

    I was really beating myself up about my relapse before writing this, but I feel a lot better now. I'm grateful that I have this community of people that are trying their best to make positive changes to their lives, and are sharing their journeys.
  13. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 13

    I barely slept last night and knew that today was going to be stressful because I had 2 exams today so I made sure to note to myself to be really careful today. I made it all the way to tonight studying and doing exams all day but I just opened social media and scrolled through erotic images for a couple minutes. I felt almost nothing though. I kept thinking to myself "what's the point of doing this?" I just closed it and decided that it wasn't worth it at all to keep looking. I'm not going to reset my counter because I felt like I was in control of myself despite giving in to my addiction in the first place.

    I didn't have a plan for what I wanted to do tonight, which I normally do, so I think that led to me feeling like I was "allowed" to do anything.

    As long as I plan out my entire day in the morning or the night before, I feel like there's no way that I'll lose to these old neural pathways. I'm going to go plan my day out for tomorrow right now so that I don't make the same mistake I just made.
  14. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 14

    I'm really struggling to sleep now so I was trying to figure out why this morning and I'm pretty certain that staying away from pmo and social media is one of the primary causes. I went through some of my past journal entries and noticed that I was having trouble sleeping around a similar point in my previous streaks. The reason why this time around it's bothering me more is because I have more responsibilities and getting enough sleep is much more important for me at this time. I would probably sleep better if I relapsed, but I also know from experience that if I tough it out my inability to sleep will eventually go away. I just have to focus on doing my best during the day since that's all I can really do. I have faith that I can get through this.
  15. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 15

    Had a pretty good sleep last night, ready to have a solid, productive day.
    Bilbo Baggins likes this.
  16. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 17 relapse

    I consciously used PMO to try and dull the constant pain that I've had in my chest this morning and yesterday that's made my breathing painful. I've been having trouble getting my head around certain concepts in school and it's been causing me a lot of stress and anxiety. On top of these 2 things, my dad is back home and even though my parents aren't always fighting, I get really stressed being around both of them, most likely because growing up I was always trying to mediate their fights, and try to reduce the outbursts. I feel a lot of tension just being in the same room as them. As a result I now have two modes when I'm around them, I either try and play damage control and try to defuse both of them at the same time through being incredibly disingenuous, or I just shut off and bring all of my attention internally, both of which make me feel really overwhelmed. Because of this, I've been trying to stay away from them but this makes me feel like an asshole because I feel like I have a duty to my family to try and spend time with them when I can. It's probably the immense stress from what's going on around me that's causing my chest pain but despite these things, I don't think PMOing was a good idea. Despite my chest pain going down a lot, I feel like I'm less of a man and I feel ashamed. It was a solution to my pain in the moment but long term it's caused more damage.

    I'm going to set a 30 day goal again, and no matter what I feel, no matter how overwhelmed I am or how unsuccessful I am in another aspect of my life, for these next 30 days no matter what I'm not going to use PMO, I'm going to develop other skills to manage the difficulties I face. For these next 30 days, every morning before meditating I'm going to write something here, because I think I'm going to need a lot of reminding if I want to be successful considering how undisciplined I've been these past couple months.
  17. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 1

    I skipped my morning routine this morning and went straight into doing a test and working on a project. I slept very poorly again. I woke up after a couple hours of sleep and my mind was jumping all over the place. I felt super sleepy but I just couldn't fall back into a deep sleep. I think I was falling in and out of sleep for 5 hours because I had a plethora of different dreams. The most notable one was I was talking to my mom and she was telling me that I'm not a good person, and I was trying to convince her that I'm not that bad but she just looked at me like everything I was saying were just excuses, and that she wasn't buying any of it.

    The origin of that dream I'm guessing is because last night, my mom went to the hospital because of her heart, and I was worrying an excessive amount like I always do. I then reached the conclusion that the reason she's having heart problems is because I've been more cold towards her and my family recently and it's stressed her out. Obviously this couldn't possibly be the main cause, but that doesn't mean I can't help with lowering her stress levels.

    The more I write, the more I realize that a lot of my issues are not related to my addiction. I need to grow in many areas of my life if I want to kick this thing, and I'd say the things that are holding me back the most from quitting this addiction are my discipline and my fear of trying new things. I'm going to first work relentlessly on building discipline and when a good opportunity comes to push myself out of my comfort zone, I hope I'll be ready to take it.

    I'm going to meditate on being kinder to my family right now, and go through my usual routine.
  18. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 13

    I know I said that I was going to write something here everyday for these 30 days, but I've been writing in a paper journal instead. Anyways, other than last night, I've been doing very well. I've been pushing myself harder in my workouts, having cold showers almost everyday, and the most important shift I've made that's allowed me to sustain this streak was without a doubt going for a walk in nature every day. I can't stress how helpful getting outside while the sun is still up is. I reflected a lot on why I was able to sustain this lifestyle this summer, and the biggest difference was how much I was going outside before.

    Anyways about last night, after 11 days with no social media whatsoever, I couldn't stop myself from opening instagram and twitter and browsing it for a couple of minutes. I was able to stop myself before it progressed into a relapse, but it still made me incredibly frustrated that I wasn't able to stop myself from engaging with the activity altogether. Before going to bed, I made sure that I would change 1 thing so that I don't do something like this again. I decided that when I do school work in the evening, I won't allow myself to be isolated. I'm going to work on the kitchen table in the open, even if my family is being noisy. It's better that I'm a little less productive with my work than to sabotage my mental health, and strip away a future that I can look forward to.
  19. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I relapsed again. I feel so defeated. I have an important exam tomorrow and now I'm having trouble focusing because I ended up edging for almost an hour. This is so stupid, I'm so weak. I thought I could at least make it to Christmas, but I failed. It's the same story every time too, I stop doing some good habit for a couple days, I look at social media, a few days later I relapse. It's so frustrating because I really felt like this time was different, and the timing couldn't be worse. Normally I try not to beat myself up too much after a relapse because at least I learned something new but now I'm just repeating the same mistakes. I'm so fucking upset that I've made basically no progress in the past couple months.

    I'm going to try and pick myself up and get some studying done but I'm going to have to come up with a new plan to overcome this addiction soon before I lose any more of my life.

    My next theory I'm going to test is that I've severely overestimated how much I can do in a day without getting burnt out. I thought that burning out wasn't real but I'm going to test this by cutting down the amount of things that I need to do in a day to see if it's more sustainable. I also had Saturday as a rest day where I could do whatever I want, but I always ended up feeling unfulfilled at the end of the day. I'm going to remove my rest day, but also tone down the rest of the week a shit ton.

    If this works, I'll come back and post about it.
  20. warded

    warded New Member

    I feel you and your story very much. It just shows what an awful addiction we are all facing.

    Keep up the good work, I am rooting for you!

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