Another shot at it

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Ccman123, May 30, 2020.

  1. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 19

    I start school today and even though I haven't been sleeping that well the past few days, I'm bouncing off the walls with energy. It's such a weird feeling, it feels like I can get so much done so quickly without getting tired. I'm going to channel this energy towards getting ahead early so that I'm not overly stressed when things get more difficult.

    I wonder if this feeling is a sign of being past the brain fog that P caused me to have for all of middle school and high school.

    I'm not going to let PMO take away this new energy that I have, I'm only going to do things that are healthy and beneficial.
     
  2. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 21

    School has been stressful, but I'm starting to get used to it.

    I've been having trouble sleeping for the past couple days and it's caused my ability to move past P flashbacks and sexual thoughts to become slower. I even dreamed last night that I was going through the mental struggle of stopping myself from looking at P, and woke up with a massive headache. Immediately after waking up I felt like I was a failure and felt awful about dreaming about that, but after thinking about it rationally, I realized that I'm not in control of what I think about and do when I'm sleeping (obviously) so there's no reason to worry about that dream at all.

    I'm confident that I can make it to my first goal, and move towards a happier life. I will do everything in my power in the moment to move towards that goal and not become complacent or fall into unhealthy thought loops. I will gain control of my life.
     
  3. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    I heard once that dreams are your brain keeping you sharp by putting you up against what it thinks are the greatest threats in your life. So congratulations, not only does your lizard brain recognize porn as a threat, but you also succeeded even in your dream.
     
    Ccman123 likes this.
  4. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    day 25

    Despite being 25 days in I still feel like i'm on day 1, which is a good mindset I believe, 1 day at a time is definitely easier to manage than focusing on the long term. This is going to be another busy week but I'm going to stay focused on my goals while maintaining healthy habits. I won't become complacent or let the addict in me find alternatives like getting caught in P thought loops or looking at social media. I will succeed.
     
  5. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I've had many dreams like this before and I think you're right about my brain seeing P as a threat because they only happen when I'm at a couple weeks into a streak. Normally I lose the battle in my dream but I guess since I was successful I'm much more resolved to succeed this time around.
     
  6. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 27

    I've been having strong P flashbacks and cravings these last couple of days but I was able to wait them out. I did this by reminding myself that all I need to do to get over this addiction is to do my best in the moment, so I didn't chase after the thoughts or cravings and instead managed to overcome them and watch them slowly die out.

    Before meditating every morning, I've started to tell my self what I want to achieve throughout a day to make sure that I stay focused on what really matters to me. I will admit that some days I still get feelings like nothing really matters but it isn't permanent and knowing that it isn't permanent has been really important to me on maintaining focus on both school and quitting PMO.

    Oh I should also mention that I've had 3 28 day streaks, so I need to be really aware that this is a very difficult period for me but I can't give in no matter what and will make it to 30 days. The stakes are way too high, I won't live a meaningless stale life where I'm ashamed of myself any longer.

    Onward to 30 days!
     
  7. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 28

    It's that magic number that in the past would kill my streak but not this time. This time is different. I want it so badly, I never want to go back. I'm already so much happier with myself and how I carry myself. I will recover and move past PMO, one day at a time. There is no excuse for giving up, I will do this and become someone I'm happy with.

    Just wanted to mention a benefit that was very apparent yesterday. After completing all my school work and healthy habits, I played a couple games with a friend, and in one of the games someone linked a voice server to talk. Normally I have really bad social anxiety and feel really uncomfortable when I'm in voice calls with people I don't know but when I joined I actually felt pretty comfortable and confident in myself. I was witty and not judging every word that came out of my mouth and dwelling on people's responses to what I said. I know this seems really natural to most people but to me this felt like I was finally becoming a functional human again.
     
  8. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Yeah Ccman, that's awesome! You're pushing into the great unknown now. Best of luck, homie. Keep pushing.
     
    Ccman123 likes this.
  9. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 29

    Temptations have been strong but I'm not making any excuses for chasing after them. This is the longest streak I've had in 2 years and I won't ruin it. I'm going to get my libido and life back, one day at a time.
     
  10. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 30

    I made it to my first goal!

    I'm feeling very little temptation for the last day and a half, so I'm without a doubt over the hump that's claimed my streak 3 times before. Now I get the joy of setting another goal, knowing that I was successful in my first one!

    I'm going to just take it 1 month at a time, so I'll focus on making it to 60 days for now, which would be my longest streak ever if I'm able to make it. I'm confident that I can do it though, as long as I keep taking it 1 day at a time, focusing on doing my best in the moment. I've made so many changes in my life that are helping me control my physical urges as well as my mind and I have many things that I've worked hard for now. I'm in a pretty good spot but I need to make sure not to slip up and become complacent. I know I sound like a broken record but it just takes 1 moment where I'm not in control and the addict inside of me can take over and ruin this new lifestyle that I've worked for. I will be successful.
     
    UK Don likes this.
  11. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 32

    Last night I had a dream where I was still in a relationship with my ex. I don't want to dwell on it because I want to focus on moving forwards with my life but in the dream I felt the warmth of being in a relationship that I haven't felt in years. At the end of the dream I got lost and couldn't find her and then I woke up feeling extremely lonely.

    Even though it was a dream, I felt emotions that I haven't felt in years. I completely forgot about that feeling of warmth that comes from being in a relationship.

    Instead of dwelling on this solemn feeling, I'm going to try and focus on the fact that I'm regaining emotions and parts of me that had been hiding due to my self-abuse of excessive PMO.

    1 day at a time, gonna focus on doing my best in the moment.
     
  12. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 34

    I felt a big wave of anger and irritation last night, and it made my brain immediately think of watching P to calm the anger but I noticed that thought and instead starting doing pushups to release some energy. I feel like I have so much more control over this addiction now but I know there will still be strong waves where if I'm not focused and determined on my goal, I could fail. I need to stay focused and not become complacent.
     
  13. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 35

    I was feeling really anxious earlier today but I made some tea and went and sat outside for a few minutes to try and take in the nature, and now I'm feeling much better.
     
  14. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 37

    I've been slipping a bit in school and my daily routine but I've found a foothold again and am pushing forward. Doing my best in the moment.
     
  15. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 39

    This is gonna be a long one.

    I have to confess because I haven't been very honest with anyone reading this or with myself. These last couple of weeks I became obsessed with video games again. I got consumed by them and started skipping classes and falling extremely far behind. I lost track of what's important to me, and fell back into shitty habits.

    This weekend I realized just how far I'd fallen behind (around 15 hours of lectures, tons of reading and practice to catch up on), and I told myself that if I kept playing video games, I was gonna fail, and not have a future, but that thought didn't even bother me that much because of the delusional state I enter when I play hours and hours of video games daily. Then this happens:

    Saturday
    I wake up, procrastinate, meditate, workout, cold shower, start my school work.
    I get through quite a bit over the next few hours but I'm still over a week of material behind in all of my courses. I then decide that I'm going to play a few games to reward myself for my hard work that morning. When I go into my room and open up my gaming pc, a friend of mine calls, and basically opens my eyes about how gaming is ruining my life to the same degree that P has without even trying to. He shared the struggles that he's going through right now and how hard he's trying to overcome them. After talking to him instead of getting into a game, I went and worked out again. Procrastinated some more after my workout and went to bed early.

    Sunday
    I wake up, meditate, heavy workout, run, cold shower, start my school work.
    After a couple hours of work, I take a break, but instead of playing games, I watch a motivational video.

    I watch an interview of David Goggins, and realize that I need to just do my work and stop doing all the negative shit that makes me feel comfortable. I spent the rest of the day doing school work, and then at night I went for a walk without music, with the goal of figuring out what's important to me.

    Today I did my usual morning routine but I changed a couple of things. I woke earlier than normal, and I went for a run before my workout. I then spent almost the entirety of today doing school work. I just came back from a quiet walk, and plan on doing another hour of school work before sleeping.

    Here's a list of additional things I'm going to cut out for the next few weeks:
    -Pointless youtube videos
    -video games
    -netflix (I usually watch about 20 mins before bed, might still do that because it helps me sleep)
    -twitch streams
    I have a lot of things that I enjoy doing now other than those I mentioned above, and I know without a doubt that don't need any of the things mentioned above in my life right now.

    Oh and I'm still going strong with my no PMO streak, haven't slipped up there, I guess the most recent development in that part of my life is that I'm getting lots of weird P resistance dreams. I'm successful at resisting it in most of them now which actually gives me a lot of confidence to overcome this addiction.

    Lastly, reading a lot of your journals always makes me feel less lonely, and I'm very grateful to you all for being vulnerable and sharing your journeys. It helps more than you think. Here's to becoming a better version of ourselves every day.
     
    UK Don likes this.
  16. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 40

    I thought I was over all the big humps of this journey but I was so wrong.

    Today I had frequent extremely strong cravings. I was able to ride them out and not act on them but it really messes with my thinking. Every time the thought enters my head, I get the idea that maybe I haven't made any progress and am still at square one. It drains so much life out of me. Typing it out makes me feel silly, I mean of course I've made progress, I've been wiring my brain to be hooked on P for probably over 10 years, and 40 days isn't going to make a lifetime of whacking it to P just go away.

    I added morning runs followed by stretching to my morning routine now, running is not as bad as I remember it feeling before I started this whole journey. I ran on the treadmill everyday for about a month back in February, and the reason it was on the treadmill was because of my social anxiety. Now I'm running outside for a good 20 mins and I don't feel worried about what other people think about me, instead I feel proud that I've overcome that fear and am challenging myself with this healthier lifestyle. I might look into getting into cross country and some other sports once this pandemic is over, I think that would be a lot of fun.

    One day at a time, becoming a better version of myself.
     
  17. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Good work mate. 40 days is a formidable achievement - whilst there may be a long way to go, do not let that take away from the work you have already done.

    Regarding the running I can recommend Strava on your phone, or perhaps a running watch. I invested in one and found the ability to track my progress over time highly enjoyable and motivating.
     
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  18. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 42

    I'm really going up and down in different area of my life. I'm firmly resolved in not doing PMO right now, but I'm having strong cravings to open instagram and twitter, and my mind is making excuses for it such as "oh you're not doing this to get a quick dopamine hit, you're doing this because you're lonely and looking for connection". Bullshit, and even if there's some truth to it, I'm not capable of scrolling through picture without wanting to ogle at the pictures of women. Not an idea that's worth pursuing ever, or at least for an extremely long time.

    I haven't played video games in almost a week, but I'm procrastinating a lot on my school work and it's making me feel weak and less motivated which in turn is causing me to search for comfort, which I'm finding it food.

    Starting now I'm no longer going to eat more than this: a light breakfast before my workout/run, a small snack after (usually a piece of fruit), lunch and dinner. If I'm feeling absolutely overwhelmed with everything I need to do, I can make a cup of tea and sit outside until I calm down. No excessively long food breaks.

    I can't become complacent, I've come too far to restart, I need to focus on doing my best everyday, one day at a time.
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  19. Bilbo Baggins

    Bilbo Baggins Active Member

    Hold on, Ccman. Stay strong, it will be worth it. I wish I did my reboot when I was 19 like you, instead of jacking off to porn throughout my twenties and failing at so many attempts to have sex. Give it your best shot! Good luck.
     
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  20. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 44

    I got a lot of work done yesterday and by the end of the day I felt exhausted. I was about to go to the store and buy some junk food as a reward, but after stopping and contemplating whether it was really worth it, I managed to convince myself that I don't need it and left my wallet at home before going on a walk. It's little things like these that give me hope that my life is changing for the better.

    I'd also like to thank those of you who took the time to write a message to support me, those messages always help give me strength to continue forwards.

    One day at a time, doing my best everyday.
     
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