Another shot at it

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by Ccman123, May 30, 2020.

  1. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    I've tried rebooting many times and every time I end up giving in around a month in. My last reboot went 28 days and I ended up losing to my urges a couple of weeks ago. Since then, I've been doing PMO every other day and every single time I do it, I feel immense regret, frustration, sadness and just overall defeat. I've never told anyone about my struggles but I hope that by typing this it will give me a place to come back to every time my cravings are too strong to simply walk off like I did in my previous reboots.

    Reasons why I need to reboot so badly:

    -My confidence is completely wiped out when i'm doing PMO regularly.
    -I feel less motivation to work towards my goals
    - I don't feel the same way I used to towards a girl I like (I only think of them sexually not romantically)
    - I miss the comfort of being in a relationship
    - I never approach girls I like and even if they approach me, I'm very dismissive towards them because I know that with PIED, I will just disappoint them.
    - I have very low self-respect
    - Brain fog
    - Numbed emotions
    - Scared to try knew things because of my low confidence.

    Things I want to achieve during my reboot:

    - Get back into the habit of working out every day
    - Get outside a lot more
    - Learn a few songs on the piano
    - Meditate every morning (extremely important)


    My goal for this reboot is 30 days, and once I get there I will add onto the things I want to achieve, and continue to push forward.

    I will be starting university in the fall and I don't want to feel the same ways I felt throughout high school. I want to really start living my life and feel everything to the fullest.
     
  2. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 0
    So I just relapsed after a 16 day streak. for the past 3 days I've been fighting my addiction for many hours each day. Last night it got so bad that I just wanted to scream and cry and was just lying awake in bed for hours before finally managing to get a bit of sleep, but then 2 of my biggest triggers in the past hit me at once. I had a wet dream despite the little amount of sleep I had, and on top of that, my family went on a trip and left me at home to look after the house. The combination of my gruelling cravings these past couple days on top of the pairing of these 2 triggers made me relapse.

    I'm not very angry cause from experience I've learned that being upset at myself will only lead to suffering and further relapses so instead I'm going to set a new goal for myself. My family returns between the 24th-25th and I'll try and make it to that point without PMO or social media entirely.

    I feel incredibly lonely when my family is gone so I'll try and get out with my friends as much as possible but when I have to go through long periods of isolation I'll try my best to stay productive.

    Wish me luck guys!

    Also, I haven't been updating this journal but I think I need to write daily or at least every couple days to stay focused on being PMO free and to not underestimate this addiction and become complacent.
     
  3. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 0 again

    I just had a heavy relapse. I was feeling pretty shitty, a mixture of being hungover and feeling incredibly lonely. Yesterday was my birthday and the majority of the day went pretty well, my family called me to wish me happy birthday and my friend took me for lunch. My grandparents also came by for dinner and I had a good chat with them for a few hours. I didn't really have any other plans at night though. I ended up drinking and playing video games alone. Another friend of mine wanted to get together with our friend group and do something that night but I didn't want to. If I don't have some time alone everyday I get overwhelmed and get very uncomfortable. Once I was alone though I felt a pit in my chest.

    I woke up many times throughout the night which is common when I drink, and once I got up, I felt no drive to get anything done. I skipped my morning meditation for the first time in months and ended up looking at P on the family computer which has no blockers. I felt disgusted with myself, equally for the action and the place. I tried to force myself to M multiple times so I could sit in the feeling of self betrayal as well as betrayal of my family. I feel too ashamed of who I am when I PMO to even talk to anyone in my family. I try to avoid them. I also try to avoid anyone I've known since before I became a P addict. I feel like I'm presenting them with the me that they think they know and that feeling of lacking development as well as not being the person they think I am causes me to feel overwhelming anxiety. I then push people away in my life which then causes me to feel lonely.

    Sorry, my thought are really scrambled right now and I'm rambling but what I've noticed is that there's an awful pattern that causes me to feel like shit, and at the root of it is P. I'm not going to be a pathetic person that PMO's, I'm going to do things that make me happy with who I am and where I'm going.

    I'll try and salvage today by still doing a meditation and a workout, learn a page of a piece on the piano and lastly read a few chapters of the book I've been reading. I've been doing calisthenics for a few months now and am kind of becoming a workout beast. I need to remember how much progress I've made in other areas of my life to realize that I don't need PMO at all. I'm way better off without it.

    Lastly, I think that typing all this out has really helped me come to terms with why I've relapsed and it's given me direction on how to still progress and move forward.
     
  4. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    day 1

    I let myself get influenced into getting crossed, and for the past day and a half I've felt completely horrible. Had next to no self discipline and ended up looking at P again. Felt awful after as expected and reflected a lot on it throughout yesterday.

    Yesterday my mom and sister both texted me to check up on me as well as a couple of friends and I was so disappointed in myself and ashamed that I was very dismissive and just wanted to escape and be alone. I then actually cried thinking about how awful I was being for betraying my family's trust in me. They think that I'm really doing well now that I'm doing much healthier things with my time but these past few days felt like I was being a horrible person. I know it sounds a little weird, but I believe that because I'm basically the man of my house, I need to do things that would reflect a strong role model for my family who's all struggling with their own problems. If I can be a rock that's able to do what's right for myself, then I'll be able to be better to my family and in turn maybe even be a role model in some ways.

    While feeling like shit all of yesterday I thought of a few things that will help me be successful this time around.

    1. I'll use respect for my family as a way of grounding any strong urges that try to take control of me.
    2. I'll stay away from alcohol and smoking, but if my friend's are drinking for a celebration I'll make sure that my phone is put away the next morning to avoid any risk of relapse.
    3. These last few days I've been playing video games again, but it's very apparent that they make me feel less inclined to do anything productive. I think my increased awareness from daily meditation has helped me notice the effects of so many things that I do in my life. I was starting to become a doer, and was putting things off less and less as a result of my changed lifestyle. I'm going to only play video games when I haven't been able to hang out with my friends in a while, and am needing social interaction.
    4. I need to think about rebooting less. I've been almost obsessing over it lately and have made it almost my life goal. By focusing on my other goals, it will make me focus less on PMO recovery which will in turn cause less moments of thinking about P. I had a 2 month streak back at the end of grade 12 because I was on vacation after being completely busy with studying for exams. Now if I keep my mind busy with other goals and activities, with my added awareness and experience, I think I can have a very successful reboot.

    Lastly, I really do hold onto hope. Despite my big setbacks this past week, I've been learning so much about myself and am not giving up anytime soon. I'll keep trying my best to succeed and hopefully never give PMO any attention ever again.
     
  5. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 2

    Had a very good day yesterday. Got back into a good routine and did everything that I needed to get done.

    My meditation this morning was noticing when my mind chased after a thought or idea and I was expected the chaser affect to be related to video games and P, as those have been things that I've spent hours chasing after and thinking about throughout my life, but surprisingly the thing that my mind chased after the most was thinking about other people's perception of me. Random scenarios of me followed by a dialogue of how the people I'm with are thinking of me. This happened many many times and it's really something that I've definitely noticed but never realized it happens as much as it does. I do so many things with the goal of changing other's perception of me. I don't think that this is always a bad thing, but it's not something that I should be obsessing over this much. I think I should be content doing things with the goal of bettering myself for myself to then be able to be better to other people. I shouldn't have other's view of me and my actions as the initial reason for why I do things.

    I'm also really getting invested in my book again, and started reading before bed instead of watching netflix. This is something I'm going to try and make consistent in the future.
     
  6. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 4

    I watched and played a lot of video games yesterday both alone and with friends. I ended up staying up very late playing them which I regret this morning. I feel less drive to do things that are healthy and productive. This obviously is not something that's helping me progress so I'm not going to play any for the next couple of days.
     
  7. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 5

    Had a good day yesterday, went for a long bike with a friend after my morning workout. I've had literally 0 temptation to relapse these past couple of days. Even though this is the case, I need to be very very careful not to become complacent like I have many many times before.

    I slept pretty bad last night, I had heartburn from eating too close before going to bed and also had a wet dream. For some reason I get wet dreams whenever I struggle to sleep. My family comes back today and I feel a bit better about myself since I've been a lot more healthy and productive these last few days.

    To anyone who's in the -19 group, and stalking my thread, I would highly recommend going into the 25-29 age thread and read some of the recent journals. A lot of those people are really disciplined and inspirational, as well as supportive. It's a really active and positive community in there and I think it would be really helpful for a lot of people to check up on those journals frequently to feel a sense of camaraderie while working towards a common goal.
     
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  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Do not complicate your recovery by trying to change everything at the same time. Always make it simple, one target at a time without causing confusion. A confused brain is an anxious brain. An anxious brain is likely to relapse. Your number one priority is to reach 30 days without PMO. And you are only 25 days away from that goal. Many people may think my approach is very serious, but I have learned from my 17 months of experience is that an addiction is a very stubborn disease, you have to push it with all your force out of your life.
    There should be no excuse. Boredom, anxiety, restlessness, irritability, anhedonia etc are going to be there but you should give yourself no fucking excuse to touch your dick (except for cleaning and peeing). Do not browse internet carelessly and stumble upon a triggering visuals and make that a lame excuse to relapse. Take full responsibility of your recovery. Respect your recovery. Give meaning to a recovery, visualize yourself as 19 years old guy with 100+ days of No PMO streak. I know you can do it. Because you have to do it. Get yourself out of this as soon as you can. Don't make it a big deal by making silly mistakes and getting over confident with your recovery.

    You are 8 years younger than me, I wish I knew what you know now by that age.

    2 More days and 1 completely clean week. A solid start don't ruin it.
     
    Ccman123 likes this.
  9. Aussie_lad_23

    Aussie_lad_23 Taking it one day at a time...

    This.
     
  10. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Thank you for your reply, I've now made it to a week! I also feel that I have to do this now even if it means riding the wave of difficulties that will inevitably be there throughout my life. You pointing out to me that I should have no excuse ever to touch my dick is really strong because I think I've been dwelling too much on the cause of my relapses instead of realizing that I need to be able to push through anything because that's what I need to do to quit this shit and recover.
     
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  11. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 7

    I'm starting to get small temptations again but I will never go back, I need to stay strong and make it to at least 30 days now more than ever. I can't go back to being full of anxiety and having zero confidence because I don't have a working dick.

    Side note, I've been having cold showers for the past few weeks every day and I think they've helped me a lot with building self-discipline and strengthening my willpower. Cold showers, morning meditation and workouts have been keeping me feeling like I can take on anything. I'm going to be cutting my sleep starting tomorrow morning so that I can wake up earlier for school and still get my morning routine in.
     
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  12. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 9

    I'm writing today with the purpose of reminding myself that even if I'm doing very well now, there will be days where I'll have to face this addiction more head on and it won't be easy.

    Alright with that out of the way, I've been doing really well lately, I've been getting lots of exercise outside and time with my friends and family as well as solid alone time. I'm actually starting to feel much more confident in myself as well, most likely because I'm proud of the direction in life I've been heading towards these past 9 days. I also started tackling things that I need to get done without nearly as much procrastination as I used to, which is also something that I'm very happy with.
     
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  13. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 11

    Yesterday I had to face my addiction more head on. I was scrolling through my pc and I saw a picture that triggered my brain to think about P. I looked at the picture for about 10 seconds before catching myself and moving past it but I did struggle with the thought of it for a few minutes afterwards. Because of this, I ended up dreaming about resisting the urge to look at P but after my morning meditation this morning I feel much more focused and less fazed by what I saw yesterday.

    I want to quit this addiction more than ever and be able to connect with real women and be the best version of myself so no matter what I see, I'll move past it and stay resolute.

    I'm almost at the 13-16 day range where in the past were the most difficult days for me so I'm going to focus on maintaining my good habits as well as staying focused on achieving my other goals.
     
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  14. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    @Ccman123

    The sooner you get yourself out of this the better it is for you. You have a long life ahead just because of some pixels on the screen and 10 minutes of dopamine high you can't sacrifice a the beautiful life a ahead of you.

    Just make it to 30 days. One day at a time. It's all about today, it's all about right now.

    You can do it. You are doing it.
     
    Ccman123 likes this.
  15. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 12

    I had another good morning. I'm going on a bike today with a friend which will probably fill up most of my day, and once I get home I'm going to get a couple things sorted out for university to make sure I'm prepared.

    This morning at the gym I talked to my friend a bit about trying to quit PMO and he didn't seem too against it. I didn't open up about my PIED though but I don't think I need to. I know that my friends watch and talk about P a lot and don't see anything wrong with it but I know that I need to quit this no matter what to live the life that I want to live. I won't let this awful addiction control my life any longer. I'm going to succeed.
     
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  16. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Keep it up. Almost 2 weeks!
     
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  17. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 14

    2 weeks! I'm feeling very confident that I can quit the addiction, but I can't let this confidence become arrogance. I need to keep remembering that I will have bad days and days with intense craving and that I can't give in no matter what. I'm going to do this and make it to 30 days for my first step.
     
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  18. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Last night I was looking at pictures of me and my family when I was younger and I looked so happy and it was like a completely different person that I forgot even existed. Afterwards, I went to my room and the moment I closed the door I got extremely emotional and just broke down crying. I still can't exactly pin point why I felt that way. I'm not sure if it was nostalgia, seeing that the happy me of the past is almost completely gone, or that I was feeling bad that I've been acting so distant from my family for the past 5-6 years when we used to be so close. I couldn't get my emotions under control so I went for a walk to the store to indulge in junk food. I didn't have any thoughts of relapsing but this was a reminder of why I fell into the habits of drowning my emotions. I get emotional extremely easily but I'm embarrassed of it, I feel really uncomfortable whenever people see me showing emotion. I've drowned out not only the bad emotions but also the good emotions. I can't remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. I fake who I am in front of people so much that I forgot how it is to feel like myself. I'm even getting emotional writing this and feeling like I want to escape.

    Life is too important to live in an indifferent grey state, I think a truly fulfilling life is experiencing the full range of emotions, and in order to do that, I need to never PMO again. I want to get back to truly living life.
     
  19. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 16

    Drank last night with some friends but I didn't go too hard I didn't allow myself to smoke because of how it makes me susceptible to bad habits. I guess I should be proud that I restrained myself for myself. I've gotten very good at noticing when I have urges or when my brain will try to make an excuse to relapse and notice that all that feeling is, is the addict inside of me, and not me. I'm really proud of my consistent healthy morning routine and I need to make sure that I continue this when school starts in 3 days to help manage my heightened levels of stress and anxiety. I'm also going to be feeling a lot more stressed in the coming days, so I need to be aware that this is going to make urges and thoughts of PMO more common and stronger, but no matter how strong they are I won't give in. I'm going to succeed.
     
  20. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    Day 18

    This is the longest streak I've had in a long time, I'm proud but I'm also feeling a lot more cravings and temptation recently. This morning I saw a picture on snapchat that triggered me to want to look at P and I felt the addict in me wanting to chase that feeling very strongly but I managed to recognize the damage that that would do to me and my future. I don't want to be someone that can only get off to pixels on a screen and can't have a meaningful connection with a real women. I hate the idea of being that way any longer. I'm going to keep moving forward with my morning routine and stay focused on school so that I don't have time or energy to fall back into old shitty habits. this is something I need to do to ever have a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling. I won't let P take any more time away from my life. I will make it to 30 days.
     
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