Another post on 'shemale' porn: trying desperately to understand...

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by WorriedCatherine, Nov 24, 2013.

  1. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest


    "ppycat - he claims he didn't and doesn't enjoy the acts, that he is high as a kite on drugs and for some reason he associates drugs and sex in his mind but he hardly even knows what is going on"


    maybe he numbs the shame he feels when doing these acts to make himself feel better? :-\
     
  2. WorriedCatherine

    WorriedCatherine New Member

    Wafflebot - I emailed him the URL of this forum, but it's getting increasingly difficult to talk about this with him because a) he feels like he can't "get over" it because I keep bringing it up, and b) he is obviously very guilty and sad about how he has hurt me and by bringing it up I also bring these feelings up again too.

    sidney1990 - yes, he has no interest in any kind of emotional intimacy with a transsexual. It's purely a sex thing. That's probably why he used prostitutes.

    Metal - yes, I told him to get checked out when I discovered this, despite his insistence that they always used condoms on him (whilst telling me was always high as a kite, which rang some alarm bells). He has HIV, probably picked it up only a few months ago (the times he 'acted out' this year were January, April and June) because at the moment it's still in its really early stages where he can't begin any treatment yet. I didn't mention this in my original post because in some ways it's irrelevant (whether he got infected with anything or not, it does not change his actions), though of course it's been a huge bombshell for both of us. A lot of dreams are out the window for him and for me too if I stay with him.

    I've been checked twice so far and I seem to be negative, although I will go for one more test in a month for total safety. But to be honest, we had no sex life anyway (as mentioned) because he was so into this, so I'd be extremely unlucky at this stage if I had it. Of course I am angry about this. I am livid. He put me at SUCH risk, and if I hadn't found out about this then for sure eventually I'd have been infected too. If I hadn't insisted that he get checked out, he'd be walking around with it still not knowing and he could have become extremely ill / died as a consequence.

    It's really tough, but I want to deal with the other issues before I try to deal with whether or not I can live with his HIV status. To me, this is a consequence of those actions... so it's the actions that are "the enemy" here. But I admit I find it even more confusing that even after getting this diagnosis and knowing that this destructive path he's been on really has gone way too far on basically any level you could possibly judge it (financially, relationship-wise, health-wise), he's still not totally put off and turned off by it. He's massively cut down but the urge to look at the odd porn video here or there is still there, even if it's depicting the very act that has ripped his life apart.
     
  3. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Wow...

    I don't really know what you expect from all this.
     
  4. ppycat

    ppycat Guest

    Catherine,

    No matter how you put this in words, this guy is really far from home! Though I understand you and your willingness to help him, I think you don't realize what you get yourself involved in. You can still help him if that's what you really want, but you don't have to stay in a relationship with him. Like I said, there are a lot of members here with problems less tragic than your boyfriend and that's already too much.

    In the end, you decide, but think well. Addictions, drugs and AIDS are no games...

    Take care
     
  5. WorriedCatherine

    WorriedCatherine New Member

    sidney1990 - I think he has gone through cycles and stages of all sorts. When I first found porn on his computer nearer the beginning of our relationship, it was granny porn. I've got access to the secret email account he was using for all his website signups and I can see that over the years he has signed up for just about everything in the world except animals, children, urination/defectation and out-and-out gay porn. Everything else, he's been through, and he appears to cycle through different things.

    Sorry for the multiple replies, there was a lot to catch up on (been without internet for a couple of days) and I wanted to address a lot of the points. Thank you to everyone who has posted, you have no idea how good it feels to just be able to communicate with people about this.

    Metal and others who have said I should just leave him... I understand you, I am really grateful for your kind words and if I was not the person in this situation I would be saying exactly the same. Indeed, I HAVE said and felt exactly the same, and I am in no way decided either way at the moment. Some days I feel one way, some days another. It's all too new and confusing for me right now. If 4 years of my career were not also invested in this man, I am sure I would have walked away, but in some ways our lives are more intertwined than if we were married so it's not as simple as all that. I am here on this forum to try to understand porn addiction, sex addiction and everything in between so that I can be more informed and make up my own mind in time. When I make that decision, I need to know in my heart one way or the other: that he will never change and I need to move on, or that he can change and be the man he wants to be. It sounds from what people have said, though, that complete transformation is never possible and it'll always be something he battles with. And given that he has this proven ability to disconnect destructive behaviours from reality, and that still after all of this he finds it difficult to be completely open and honest, I do not feel terribly optimistic.

    However, I could go to any relationship forum, tell this story and get 100 sympathetic people telling me I was too good for him and to leave him, but right now I just want to understand how his brain is working, which is why I am here. I hope that makes sense.
     
  6. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    this is very unfortunate for his case regarding his HIV status, keep getting your tests, you guys are so brave....
    I wish you and him the best of luck, he needs to get treatment ASAP, and this should be a wake up call for him...

    he should (and must) seek some therapy regarding his situation...sometimes sex is no joke...

    there are lessons to be learnt on both ends...it sounds like a sex/porn addiction and its taken its toll on him..the drugs were probably used to numb the shame and guilt he felt and in the process he has ended up infected..this is very unfortunate for him...

    some guys have "acted out" but they 9/10 wore protection
     
  7. WorriedCatherine

    WorriedCatherine New Member

    Hi sidney,

    Yeah, well, he says that the last time he visited a transsexual they offered him what he thought was cocaine but it sent him totally off his face and he can't remember anything that happened at all or even getting home (which is also disgusting as he would have driven in this state and could have killed somebody). This was around April time and he says he hadn't visited a transsexual since then because he was really scared by this experience. This does seem to be true because from my 'research' (aka email hacking) when he acted out in June, it was a BDSM thing, whereas before this he'd been on the shemale path for quite some time. This doesn't mean he'd stopped the shemale porn though, that continued regardless.

    If you're giving your clients such powerful and messed up stuff, then I'm guessing you're not overly concerned with their health and safety so I'd hazard a guess that this was probably the one time too many that resulted in infection.
     
  8. Metal

    Metal Get busy living or get busy dying

    Catherine, it doesn't matter how much your lives are interwined or how long you've been together with this man or what carreer goals you share. The bottom line is that there is too much complication, he in my opinion is too far gone.

    Even if the best psychologist came on here and explained to you in detail how his mind works, it doesn't change the fact that he has a long way to go towards recovery, and his actions doesn't even sound like he is serious about turning his life around.

    That is besides the consideration of him catching HIV and nearly giving you the same infection out of carelessness and recklessness. You don't need this, its not healthy for the both of you.

    If you keep forgiving him and letting him get away with all his crap under the umbrella that you '''want to understand how his brain works'' all it will do is provide a longer road for recovery for him.

    The reason I say this is because nothing that has happened so far has been enough for him to hit his rock bottom. Maybe when you leave that will truly be his wake up call as to save what is left of his life.

    You have done nothing wrong and don't deserve a life sentence together with someone who has so much baggage and is HIV positive.

    No one on this forum can truly tell you how this man thinks, as to why he is so reckless to his own health and yours. Addiction is one thing, but exposing your parnet to aids is another and beyond pale.

    Just get the hell out of there for your own sanity,
     
  9. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Or maybe he lied to you about using condoms 100% of the time.

    Nobody knows.
     
  10. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    personally I never acted out, I knew that my shemale porn was simply a part of the porn fantasy land that I had lived in for many many years....it gave me an insecurity about my sexual orientation and considering the fact that I suffer pure-obsessive compulsive disorder, its also made me very doubtful and fearful over my sexual orientation ( im more than likely bisexual, considering the face that ive grown to like dicks after years of shemale porn and have been a tad curious about the same sex). I think with your ex, he felt very shameful of the acts but couldn't control himself...again you SHOULD direct him to this thread so he realises hes not alone with this problem..as for the HIV, is it curable? if so then brilliant there is a fighting chance he can start a fresh page in his life...

    were the BDSM hook ups transgendered?

    if not, again he has a problem with addiction...hes a thrill chaser looking for new highs to get himself off...
    it starts with porn, till the individual acts out and then has a horrible pool of regret.

    if you want to help him as a friend, then that's no problem, but the dude really needs to be helping himself. if hes still getting of to shemales then he isn't taking any steps to recovery
     
  11. RoadToReality

    RoadToReality New Member

    Well, I never got into shemale or anything like that, but I can understand people who have and this is why.

    As you flick through lots of porn you are continually getting that dopamine rush which is pumped up again and again every time you see different porn. This not only overloads your brain with dopamine which conditions your brain to needing that hit (in a similar way to drugs like cocaine), but the dopamine hit is also conditions your brain to repeat behaviour that leads to the dopamine hit. The thing is, you are not only conditioned to wanting porn, but continued novelty, hence you escalate to more extreme and shocking porn (and it gives you a bigger dopamine hit you are seeking).

    When you become addicted to something you brain catergorises the addiction with other basic needs. So for instance, a perfect analogy I would assume, is a program I watched about experiencing homelessness. The people in the program were so hungry that ended up eating scrapes of food found in bins surrounded by absolutely horrible waste. When they talked about it afterward they said that there hunger was so great that there brain shut off any natural adversion to how disgusting what they were doing was. All they wanted was food. I think this is a very similar situation to porn, and shemales. Even though he might intuitively find it disgusting there is a need to be fulfilled.

    I definitely think he can move on from it, but it is a long and hard road.
     
  12. joelski

    joelski New Member

    Yeah all I can say is that many wives/girlfriends leave their husbands/boyfriends over much less.

    I was caught watching tranny porn by my wife and she didn't leave me but nearly did. But she later found out that I was also having romantic relationships with women on the internet. I never did anything sexual but that was too much for her. She divorced me and it forced me to change.

    I'm kind of glad she did because we weren't happy. I was addicted to porn and deceitful about what I was doing and she was always angry and abusive to me.

    Now that I'm alone I'm using this time to be celibate. I had a 3 week period where I abstained from all porn and masturbation. Then I relapsed and now I have another 45 days under my belt.

    Recovery is possible but it will take time. And frankly, you may want to consider the possibility that he's not ready to change yet. It kind of sounds like that's the case to me unfortunately.
     
  13. amgjake

    amgjake New Member

    The thread you linked to was one that I started. Sorry to hear about what you've gone through. I think that's the fear that many of us have.

    I've avoided serious relationships with women due to the addiction to shemale porn. It's a cycle that I've been going through every 6-8 weeks for the past 3 years.

    I spend 6-8 weeks living normally with no porn and only sex with women. I have no performance issues in bed and I'm just as horny and aroused around women as any other straight guy. Then, a random thought about shemales will pop into my head which I cannot dismiss despite trying for days. I'll eventually start viewing porn and seeking out encounters. I'll meet up with a shemale and realize that I'm much more attracted to women and their femininity. Then, the process starts over.

    I know many people assume that we're closeted gay men or bisexual who can't accept it, but I don't think it's the case. I am not attracted to men, masculinity, or typical drag queens. I'm not even attracted to penis alone. I'm only aroused when I see it on a totally feminine shemale. I've even tried to accept that I may just be attracted to shemales naturally. I've met a few completely passable shemales from dating sites who I've tried to consider dating. After a few encounters, I found myself wishing that they had a pussy because the excitement and fetish appeal of the penis was no longer there. At this point, I even started to feel slightly disgusted by it.

    Honestly, I haven't been trying very hard lately. I've become much better at recognizing triggers, but I seem to continually relapse and I am struggling to find the motivation to keep trying.
     

Share This Page