Another post on 'shemale' porn: trying desperately to understand...

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by WorriedCatherine, Nov 24, 2013.

  1. WorriedCatherine

    WorriedCatherine New Member

    Hello everyone. I don't know if I'm allowed to post here really but after reading this thread http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=6585.0, I felt I had to.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and a half years. We're extremely close and we run a business together also. About 18 months into the relationship, I came across some porn in his internet history which I found very disturbing, but he explained it away by saying his friends sent it to him and it was just curiosity and he's never been into pornography.

    Ever since then, I have to admit there has always been a slight barrier between us - the usual consequence of lying and being lied to - but we've stayed together and had some great times. Beginning about two years ago, things did start to deteriorate slightly. We had no sex life to speak of. Maybe once every 4 months!? I worried and would ask him about it but he would say things like:

    - We see each other in the evenings and he's tired by then and not in the mood.
    - Why was I being so superficial? Life is not all about sex.
    - I should make more of an effort and stop coming round in a tracksuit (this confused me greatly, because I haven't owned a tracksuit since I was about 12)

    I knew something was wrong but I couldn't figure out what it was. He was very good at lying to himself and me, even coming out with spontaneous statements about how he has an addictive personality but luckily for him, sex has never been one of the things he's had an issue with... or how much he saw how infidelity hurt his mother and he would never do that to a woman...

    Fast forward to present day, and it turns out that he has been spending a lot of time (an hour or two or three) many evenings a night watching transsexual porn. He was a member of BDSM and transvestite and transsexual meeting communities, and every few months he would even pay money (a lot of money, given that we run our own small business and not had a holiday in two years because he says we cannot afford it) to visit mistresses or, particularly in the last year or so, pre-op transsexuals and/or transvestites for anal sex. He'd combine this with drug use, so he'd arrange it all online, go and get high and then act it out.

    I'm trying so hard to come to terms with and understand all of this, and this forum is really helping, but it still hurts and confuses me so much. Particularly as I suppose I am not a massively sexual person in that, when I love someone, I really have no desires for anybody else. I can see a man with the "perfect" physique strip naked in front of me (and indeed I did on a friend's hen do!) and all I'm feeling is bored and that I'd rather be at home with MY man.

    Yet I now have to come to terms with not only does my partner get turned on by other people, but he's been acting on it AND he possibly has desires I can never even fulfil. I say possibly, because he says that he's not attracted to shemales, that he couldn't even get an erection most of the time, and it was more a compulsive and addictive activity, a search for a high like he would get with drugs. That the anticipation involved was akin to drug use and he explains the transsexual stuff by saying he just got dragged into more and more extreme things.

    I think he really believes this to be true, but I am not sure that I do. I worry that the reason he wasn't getting erections was simply because he was watching too much porn and masturbating too frequently, not because this is not a turn-on for him. After all, he never had any sexual interest in me during that time either, but that doesn't mean I think I'm unattractive to him.

    He's trying to cut this all out of his life and he is seeing a therapist, but sometimes he will cancel his therapy session and invariably this will result in a relapse. There's a lot of self-denial on his part when this happens: he'll lie to me about it, of course (but I've never met a more transparent person in my life so I can pretty much tell instantly when he's done something he wants to hide from me because he immediately starts trying to overcompensate), but he'll also go into detail I'm not even asking for, like saying how yes, he relapsed, but he didn't go back to the shemale stuff.

    It worries me when he says this because I know that's precisely what he went back to, and when you see somebody lying to themselves it is a worrying thing.. because when someone lies to themselves it's because there's an uncomfortable truth there that they wish so much was not the case, but it is.

    I worry that even if he manages to cut the porn out of his life completely, and of course the infidelity it eventually led to when he reached that level of desensitisation, that he'll always have this inside of him. That this is part of his sexuality now (I say now because whilst I do believe that people are pretty much born straight, gay or bisexual, I am not sure quite how many people would ever become so interested in transsexual sex without it having been introduced by the internet), and it'll always be there. And knowing now as I do that he is the type of person that still "appreciates" others sexually even when in a relationship, of course I am concerned that with the fact that this desire can never be fulfilled with me, all it needs is a trigger and he might fall back into this again.

    If anyone else has overcome a similar addiction to this, I'd really love to hear how you're getting on and how your relationships have been since. Do you still fight with your triggers every day? If you see an attractive woman on tv, do you have to stop yourself from typing in your old searches into Google? Have you managed to channel your sexuality exclusively towards your partner, or for you, can sex and love still exist separately also?

    Thank you for reading.
     
  2. syndaren

    syndaren New Member

    First of all, your partner is goddamn lucky to have a woman like you by his side. I am trully impressed.

    Second of all, I never was into shemale porn but I guess it works just like any other types of fetishes. I don't think that this particular fetish will ever dissappear completely. However it can be weakened to the point when it no longer disturbs life on a daily basis.

    I myself suffer from HOCD and it's tough as fuck. My gf is very supportive and nowadays I can have an erection mainly only when we're close, hugging or kissing each other. In other scenarios I could get hard only by touching myself and watching porn. Yet still these are two different types, caused by two different hormones, neurotransmitters or whatnot. So yes I managed to channel my sexuality exclusively towards my partner, though I get all crazy and obsessive about the things I've done in the past. And I sometimes relapse, just to reassure myself. These are all details and long story short - it takes time.
    The thing is, if you love him and care about him - it sure is good to be supportive. But if he keeps lying to you, well, then you should dump his ass or at least scare the bastard that you will dump him if he won't change his behaviour. You can't blame everything on porn addiction. Lying to the person you love is the worst shit you can do.
     
  3. joelski

    joelski New Member

    I was addicted to shemale porn for years while I was married to my ex wife. She found out about it and that was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

    It took me seeing the consequences of my addiction to change, and so far I've been completely celibate and haven't looked at porn of any kind for about 45 days. I still have urges but I feel like the addiction doesn't rule over me any longer.

    The bottom line is he has to be up front with you and more importantly, himself, that he has an addiction.

    Second, it really doesn't really matter what kind of porn it is, porn addiction is porn addiction. Shemales are very taboo and elicit a much more negative response when women catch men looking at them but the fact of the matter is that it's a fetish like many others and should be treated as such.

    As I've done my reboot I've found that my compulsion to look at shemale porn has subsided. I got turned onto them because it was new and exciting but as I filled my life with more positive things that brought me actual happiness I didn't need the fake stuff any more.

    If you love him, let him know that he needs help and you will support him as long as he is serious about changing. I was, but my ex didn't want to help me. You may find that you don't have the time or patience too, which is entirely understandable. So count the cost and figure out if it's worth it and if he's serious enough. In the end you could help him seriously change his life around and you will both be happier because of it.

    Good luck.
     
  4. ppycat

    ppycat Guest

    It's good that you have the courage to ask for help on this forum and given that i have a very understanding gf next to me, i know how difficult it is for you. Chapeau...

    However, let's get to business, as that's why you're here. Porn is indeed fucked up and if you read this forum, you will notice that it can do a lot to people. Some end up questioning their sexuality, others loose their attraction to women and others can't have an erection anymore. So lots of things are possible...

    BUT!!! Your guy acted on his porn, which really makes me believe it's more than porn only. We are not talking here about someone who desperatelly has a one-time encounter with a shemale to set things straight or get answers to questions that cause them anxiety, but someone who actually enjoys what he's doing. You talk about drugs and anal sex and though i don't know your boyfriend, something tells me he's not the one giving it.

    It hurts, but ask yourself (and be more honest with yourself than he was) if this guy is really worth wasting your years. Porn addiction is one and that only takes a considerable amount of time to heal. Your boyfriend sounds more like drugs/sex addicted, which is very different. Given his behaviour, i think it's just fair that you think about his orientation as well.

    These things take time and can be very confusing, but there are limits. Sometimes you can tell the difference between someone who is indeed into tranny porn because he's numb to the rest and needs a dopamine kick and someone who really likes shemales. My opinion is that your bf crossed that line (and not just a little), but more than that, he lied to you multiple times. Be aware!

    All the best
     
  5. syndaren

    syndaren New Member

    I agree with most of what Ppycat has said. One thing that I'm not sure about is whether "acting out" on porn can be considered as something more than just a porn induced fetish. I simply don't know, I never acted out on my intrusive thoughts, simply because they felt alien to me. However some guys on this forum report that they did act out on sex with shemales or whatnot and despite the fact that"sexually" or sex-wise it felt good, they still felt disgusted by it, and it caused them to freak out and feel anxious about it. We could probably say more if we knew his story, from his point of view. In general if he wants to live a normal life once again, he has to be 100% honest with himself and with you of course.
     
  6. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    This is very bad. It looks like he doesn't even care about satisfying you sexually.

    Porn has completely ruined his sexual life.

    It will take him years to completely get over this addiction.

    This is normal.

    He doesn't want to disappoint you or make you feel bad.

    Being completely honest it's difficult. We don't like to tell our girlfriends every 2-3 days things like "Hey honey, I relapsed to shemale porn earlier today" or "Yesterday I visited a transexual prostitute".

    We hide these things not because we're bad persons, but because we feel ashamed by them.
     
  7. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    By the way, you seem like a very nice girl, probably "too nice".

    When I told my girlfriend about my porn addiction, she was very understanding and supportive in the beginning. However, as weeks and months went by, she started making me know that relapses were completely unacceptable. Sometimes she would get mad at me or completely stopped talking to me if I told her I relapsed.

    This helped me a lot, because it gave me urgency to fix my problems. Her message to me was very clear: "I won't tolerate this. This is completely unfair to me. Stop being so selfish.".

    He probably thinks you'll be with him no matter what, even if there's no sex life, so he doesn't care.

    Send him a clear message that this is something that could cause the end of your relationship.
     
  8. Wafflebot

    Wafflebot New Member

    Does he know about this site?
     
  9. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    well done on being honest...

    I also had escalated to shemale porn for around 4+ years ( since 19) it was always girls before that id fap to ( in fact I still masturbated to women whilst watching shemale porn). I use to feel bad sometimes, it felt like I was betraying women in a sense, I have never had a GF..

    it sounds like your Bf needs to lay off the porn and decide if he wants you or the trans genders, also it sounds like a sex thing rather than him cheating on you by being in a relationship with a shemale....

    Hes looking for new highs, normal sex wont do it for him (and that has nothing to do with you, why wouldn't he be having sex with normal prostitutes ? mainly because he has a shemale fetish).

    regarding his sexual orientation, I personally would never feel the need to label someone as gay if he has sex with a shemale ( sure its a gay act scientifically, but the number of mostly straight dudes who enjoy shemales are straight, gays don't enjoy them. also sexual acts don't necessarily determine your orientation, the sex that you mostly swing to, sexuality isn't black and white)

    even Dan Savage and Ogi Ogas explain why its mainly straight guys who get off to shemale porn, gays aren't interested in them..
    and if he truly was bisexual or gay he would be banging guys behind your back..not girls with cocks...

    he could have a degree of bisexuality, sure maybe (edging more heterosexual, just has a thing for dicks) but that doesn't matter either way he would still have enjoyable healthy sex with women....it sounds like you need to have a proper chat with him...and introduce this website to him, and MOST importantly have him discuss his issues with "theUnderdog" , he was in a similar boat...
    he needs to reboost his libido for normal women...this will take time..

    its either now or never, but he shouldn't of been cheating on you...if he loves you enough he would stop.. and you seem very nice
     
  10. Metal

    Metal Get busy living or get busy dying

    In my opinion you need to get tough and give the guy an ultimatum, he either gets his shit together or you leave.

    If he's cheating on you, he is putting you at risk of stds. There is no room for trying to understand why he is fucking t-men, there is a difference between watching videos and going out to fuck other men and then coming back to have another round with you.

    It doesn't matter if he's bisexual, transexual ,the bottom line is he doesn't love or respect you enough to care enough to avoid putting your health in danger.

    Has this guy been checked out? Do you even know if he was wearing a condom or the other guy?

    This is serious stuff here and you dont need to analysis anymore of why he does that sort of shit. That's his job to do, your job is to be a good partner which you have done. He is being reckless with his and your life, and you can't do recovery for him, he has to do it of his own accord.
     
  11. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest

    I agree with the std stuff very much so, he needs to be checked, and also if you have had sex with him so do you. better safe than sorry
     
  12. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    Yes, receptive anal sex is by far the riskiest activity of them all.

    Hopefully he has some common sense and has been using condoms.

    But still he needs to get tested.
     
  13. ppycat

    ppycat Guest

    there is a difference between

    a.) guys who watch gay/shemale porn because regular porn don't do it anymore
    b.) guys who have ONE (1) encounter with a shemale and then realize porn is not reality

    and

    c.) guys who regularly pay for transsexuals to have sex with them while in a relationship

    you know I really believe in hocd and I don't label people gay for watching gay porn, but without becoming a second metal, there is a limit. at one point, it's not porn anymore, I'm sorry. you can say whatever you want, but when you go out to do shit, then it's nothing than your will. porn can do a lot, but not everything!

    it sounds to me like TS is wasting time with this guy who, even if he agrees to, will need at least a few years to recover. and those years won't be easy. horrible for him, even worse for her!
     
  14. sidney1990

    sidney1990 Guest


    "you can say whatever you want, but when you go out to do shit, then it's nothing than your will. porn can do a lot, but not everything!"

    yes of course I agree, but im stating that personally I feel its a little silly to label someone who has a degree of bisexuality as a full fledged homo or even a 50/50 bisexual... the guy could simply be into it because he has a thing for both women (femininity) and cocks....
    maybe he simply likes being submissive, hence the times he hired a dominatrix shemale :-\...

    the point im making is, sure he may have a degree of "gayness", 80% hetero and 20% gay...but it would be stupid to label him as gay

    again very few gays like shemales ( the number is tiny) statistics don't lie.. but yes

    PORN doesn't make you enjoy real life encounters, I wasn't suggesting it was porns fault
     
  15. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    No, there isn't.

    They are all heterosexual.

    Gay men have sex with men, not trannies.

    There are obviously exceptions to the rule, but a man isn't more 'gay' just because he has sex with several trannies instead of just one.

    Please do not derail this thread.

    This has been discussed thousands of times before.
     
  16. ppycat

    ppycat Guest

    @sidney1990: I was not saying he is gay, I don't like labels myself. but I think it's fair for TS to start wondering if her boyfriend can really provide her what she needs: care, affection and protection.

    @theunderdog: I'm not derailing anything, but I have the right to an opinion, I hope. it just seems that our opinions differ.

    in the end, all that matters is that TS understands that her boyfriend has a serious problem that will not go away in a few months. she is to decide what she wants to do.
     
  17. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    I would leave him. Taking drugs with other people, nit disclosing the fact he was havung sex with others etc thats a huge risk to you if he caught an std and he doesn't even think about that.
     
  18. Metal

    Metal Get busy living or get busy dying

    Agree with this.

    OP you deserve so much better than that thing, who I wouldn't even call a man.

    You've been committed and loving and all you wanted back was the same in return.

    Instead all you've received is deception, unfaithfulness and having to put up with a drug abuser.

    You sound like an angel who doesn't need to be caught up in trying to understand the seedy depraved world this thing is wrapped up in.

    Unless he is going to do his utmost to change after confronting him about this all, then you are better off leaving him to find someone decent who respects and loves you enough not to put your welfare in danger.
     
  19. Dan82

    Dan82 New Member

    he is not deserving you. Taking drugs and having butt sex is just too much.
     
  20. WorriedCatherine

    WorriedCatherine New Member

    ppycat - he claims he didn't and doesn't enjoy the acts, that he is high as a kite on drugs and for some reason he associates drugs and sex in his mind but he hardly even knows what is going on. He says that he feels really low afterwards, which is probably true because he has had some inexplicably bad mood swings over the past couple of years. But as with all addictive behaviours, drawing the line between enjoyment and compulsion is difficult.

    theunderdog - I am not as nice as you think. When I first discovered this, I told him we could never be together again (although I did tell him I would be there for him as a friend to help him through it). Through a combination of not knowing the full story until I did my own digging a bit later, and the fact that we work together and see each other every day (so it's not like I can just cut him out of my life), I've gradually weakened on this stance, although he knows that his actions have really damaged our relationship and he is quite insecure about the fact that I may yet leave him.

    The problem I have is that he is not being as open as you clearly were/are with your girlfriend. I am offering myself as someone to help and support him through this, but he's not taking me up on that offer. He's continuing along the same path of wanting to hide this part of himself away from me. I can understand that mentality but on the other hand it means that he WON'T tell me when he relapses. The only way I can get him to admit him that he did is by reassuring him that I am here for him. If I did that, then as soon as he admits it (which, by the way, takes about a day and a half on average before he will finally give in!) turn around and say "that is intolerable!", who knows how many days/weeks before he would admit it again. And I'm a bit obsessive about getting him to admit it because I feel that if he keeps it hidden inside himself, then he's still creating that environment whereby he can have this secret life like before, and nothing has really changed.
     

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