Another New start

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ghostrider, Sep 22, 2016.

  1. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Hey Bob,

    Doing okay. Thanks for asking! Hope you are too.

    Couple of alchol fuelled close calls to watch some kind of softcore movie on Netflix but was able to stop before starting. I don't think this would lead back to P sites had I watched but concerning all the same. Netflix is now cancelled!

    Other than that, not much else to report althougH general wellbeing is good at the moment
     
  2. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Way to dodge the bullet. I love the proactive and aggressive attitude and approach on things that could trip you up. My own experience is that any inch give on this fight is followed by a kind of chaser that makes me want the next step. It just makes saying no harder for me. Yes, I am an addict. Keep pressing on.
     
  3. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member


    Thanks for the encouraging words Newleaf. Yes, this and a few other forums have been a great source of support and advice to me too. I just wish I'd taken a bit more notice before now. I don't see a day soon that I'll stop reading or posting about here.
     
  4. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Cheers Jam. I know all about the chaser effect.For me an MO session leads to another and so on until I'm basically doing so daily so perhaps Netflix would have taken me back there. I too am an addict and part of the recovery must involve admitting the addiction. For a long time I was in denial.
     
  5. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Hello All,

    Trust everyone is doing ok.

    Got to be over 75 days now. Or am I? Been more than a few times where I have began to M before being able to stop.Not for hours but minutes. Fantasy remains an open wound for me and one which is difficult to heal. Should I reset? Opinions are welcome.
     
  6. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    I wouldn't reset. For me the goal is no P and then no MO. If that is all you have done it sounds like awesome progress.
     
  7. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Took your advice Jam.

    I'm not counting the days too closely but got to be around 85 without O now. Really wish I could report some progress in terms of PIED but I don't have any. Seem to be in a fairly severe flatline. Morning/night wood has disappeared and I don't think think libido is any different to where I was 3 months ago. I know by now that 85 days doesn't necessarily mean I'm close to a full recovery but at the same time, I would have hoped for a few encouraging signs. All this said, I'm glad to be at this point, it's a start in terms of the bigger picture.

    I have a date on Friday. Given the above I feel like a fraud. No one is queuing up to date someone with ED.

    Will see how it goes.
     
  8. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Does date mean sex? It seems there are a lot of possible steps in between. Maybe part of your process is a slow rewiring to an actual person. My advice, having been out of the game for almost 30 years is to take things slow. Enjoy the person. Take sex off the table so you don't need to worry about ED.

    My mind rewiring to desire the real thing has taken longer than I expected. It is also only happening as we engage in touching and sex periodically. Give your brain (and johnson) time to rewire gradually. Just my two cents.
     
  9. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Jam yes many steps in between tomorrow and sex but I've been here before and and don't feel too much different. It's worrying to say the least. First date may well be the last but if not, sex will be on the cards eventually. Shes early 30's so only natural. The last place I want to be is in bed making excuses but perhaps that's what I need to do at this stage of the reboot to progress.
     
  10. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    I guess I am wondering about trying to rewire through touch without sex, a kind of slow, old fashioned approach. I know I was trying this with my wife (still am). Ironically, it has not been easy, because she assumes when I touch her I am angling for sex, so it either goes there or as happened the other night, she pulls away. I literally had to flat out tell her I wanted to hold her without any sex expectation. LOL. Anyway, I wonder if some touching and a gradual scale up may help in the libido and PIED department. I have found it has helped me in rewiring. I think due to the nature of PMO and P itself, I lost that more healthy form of contact. I lost my ability to feel. It is slowly coming back. Anyway, good luck.
     
  11. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    That is what happened to me in week 4 of my reboot. PIED with a woman I really liked. I am grateful it happened, but the excuses, the shame and the humiliation of the brutal rejection still hurt. It is what got me to bite the bullet to start posting here. And it gave me a lot of determination. I do not ever want anything like that to happen in my life again... So be careful, I do not wish the same pain for anyone... yet as you can see that was also my life saver... :confused::(:);)
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, brother. I wasn't a big edger, which is why I think my reboot was fairly quick. I did have the odd edging session, but my goal was always to MO. Having read tons of journals here I've come to believe that edging is the worst of the worst. It puts the brain is a kind of suspension. We are supposed to O when sexual and edging stops this process. So, for the edger (this is just me theorizing) he is not only addicted to P, which has rewired his brain in a faulty way, but he is also stymieing the natural sexual response to cum. For this reason I believe a reboot for heavy edgers takes much longer.

    Personally, and for the above reasons, I think it would be better just to have an MO without fantasy than to edge, even if you are only edging for minutes. The neural pathways that P addicts carve need very little stimulation to reengage. If you do MO don't use your hand.

    You WILL get over this. I think being with a real woman will really help in this regard. Getting back in tune with a real person is part of the reboot in my opinion. Like others have said there doesn't have to be penetrative sex. Also, it might help to go out with a woman who really digs you for you and is perhaps a bit older. I say this because the younger a woman is the more her ego will be attached to you O'ing. The great news is that once you have successful sex there is no going back, only forward.

    You really are doing great, Ghostrider.
     
  13. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Thinking of ya Ghostrider. ;)
     
  14. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Appreciate your good wishes Bob. The date has been postponed for now. Not sure if that's a good thing or not really. I have been in that embarrassing position many times too. Over the course of a 1.5 year relationship I'd get lucky now and again with a boner of sorts or I'd use pills to get by. Never true libido though. I think that became the normal for me as I'd given up rebooting properly as such. Before that, I could count on two hands how many times I'd failed. Mostly before I'd learned of PIED.

    Savile, you've got me to a T. I know you're right. I worked out the same thing long ago. While some here struggle with porn, my battle since quitting P has been edging to fantasy. A by product of Pmo no doubt. I've made good strides towards combating this and incidents are becoming fewer and fewer. I'm getting there. You and Jam make good points. In an ideal world I'd meet a women who'd hold off on sex for a while and would work through the reboot but they can't be easy to find. I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with someone until I could at least see some signs of improvement but boredom got me. Like I say perhaps the date being postponed is a good thing.
     
  15. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Day 90 thereabouts.

    Doing ok.

    Date I mentioned above has been cancelled. Probably a good thing since I'm fairly sure she was trying to engage in sexting. Haven't heard from her since. Would be lying to said I wasn't tempted but having been there before, I know where it leads to and it's not good.Can't say she seemed the type.Good job,, sqeeky clean etc. Not unlike myself all those years ago pre P.

    120 days days next stop.
     
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yikes! This was one of my big weaknesses. Good job staying away from that bullshit.

    Awesome on the 90+ days and here's to 120!!
     
  17. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Yeah I dodged a bullet with that one Saville. .Dont think we had any sort of connection really and I would have been going through the motions. Dielema now is I've become close to a women I've known for a while.We do seem to have a connection although I'm not sure where it's going. Regardless, I doubt I'll be able to open up on my issues. Too close to home,which ultimately means I'll have to back off soon. All very sad. Think she sees me as some sort of eligible bachelor and I really like her :(
     
  18. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Hey ghostrider, happy to read about your progress.

    Fantasy + MO, MO, and edging + MO are so linked with PMO/P in our brains that we most likely have to give them up for good or risk not conquering our PIED, not getting our libido back, and maybe most importantly not making the brain changes necessary to take back control.

    It's taken me 3 or 4 years to realize that too.

    One thing has was very helpful for me was journaling, and then going back and reading my journal; it showed me where I went off track as far as fantasy, thoughts, peeks, and touching my guy. They all correlated with relapse(s), as did stressful events, too much alcohol, too much caffeine...combinations of these, it all intertwines.

    Very enlightening stuff...quite amazing to know that we're pioneers in proving that you can rewire decades old patterns regarding our sexuality. It definitely won't happen over night, especially when our hands were glued to our dicks for so darn long.

    I once read that it takes about one month of fasting/juicing to restore one full year of poor eating habits, something to that effect. Let's suppose that that is something like a universal law of healing, well then, it may take one month per year of PMO/MO to get back to factory settings. Of course that is not to say you won't be "better" way quicker than that, but food for thought.

    If that's correct it will take me 30 months, give or take to get a clean slate. Again, I expect PIED and such will be completely cured much sooner, but to get to the point where my sexuality is completely wired to a real woman who is right in front of me may take 30 full months.

    Less than 2.5 years for a change that amazing is a bargain.
     
  19. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Thanks 40. Your advice and encoragement is always spot on. I realised fantasy and MO/edging is just as bad as P a while back too. More so for us ex heavy P users. I probably new this 4 years ago but the brain looks for the shortcuts rather than the long road round. Problem is there isn't any short cuts. Only dead ends.

    I'm getting there now..Really belive that. Been weeks since I last edged but I fear no progress has really been made due to edging earlier in the reboot, however brief.

    Apologies if I've asked you before but has your erections returned to normal or as near let's say? I know you have issues with DE right now but I'm interested to know where you're at. Again, apologies if you've told me before but are you taking boner pills? I do remember you married recently and wonder how all this is working out with your partner. Hope you don't mind me asking.
     
  20. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Hey Ghostrider, hope you are doing well. It is great you seem to have moved past porn. I think I relate in that ultimately I am addicted to fantasy...
    I was pleased to read you see you are getting there and really believe it.
    Trust that your body is designed for health and function, be reassured that all the time your mind and body is healing.
     

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