Another New start

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ghostrider, Sep 22, 2016.

  1. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Hello All,

    Long time rebooter/porn victim here. Been on and off around these pages for over 4 years now. Back for some help and advice.

    Not much point in going too deep into my back story with porn, but it goes something like this - magazines, VHS, DVD, Cable, dial up, high speed and with each, usage going up and up.Real problems started with the rise of the tube sites and unbeknown to me at the time, too many instances of PIED which I put down to aniexty etc.

    It's been 4 years since discovering YBOP and quitting the tubesites but I'm still not cured. MO and borderline material on Netflix hasn't been so easy to give up. These past 4 years have seen improvements but I'm far from normal, very far. Two partners have come and gone due to ED and I've hit my 40's. I feel like I'm heading towards my last chance of any sort of normal life with a partner, family etc.

    ive been meaning to come back to the forum for a while but felt the need to come back after seeing my last gf on Fb with her new partner. She's getting on with life and looking happy. How I wish that was me in those photos.

    I'm struggling to see a way out of this. Anyone care to offer one?
  2. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Ghost,
    Welcome back.
    I can relate mate, just got ditched myself and the PIED being a big part of the break up...
    I can feel the pain you are facing at the moment reading between the lines. I kept on seeing my previous gf all over her new man at the places we used to hang out. She wanted to rub it in I suppose. I was gutted, sad, angry at myself...
    I unfriended her on fb...
    My motivation to keep going at the moment and not fall back is fueled by that anger. I do not want a repeat of the last break up scenarios, I am 'over' going through life hiding away chasing the dopamine high. It is a long journey, I have been wanting to stop this for a long time...
    You say you have been on these pages for 4 years, so although you might not see it at the moment, you have made progress nonetheless, I only had the courage to join here about a week ago. The more I read here and other places it seems a journey of falling and picking yourself up again.
    You picked yourself up again... Another new start.
    Be gentle with yourself is one of my motto's (-:
    Billy B. likes this.
  3. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Welcome ghost. Not sure if we have crossed paths before. I've been here on and off for a few years. Finally on top of it if only for 21 days tomorrow.

    Reread Underdog's post.

    Check out the book by Dr. Glover No More Mr. Nice Guy

    Post and read here often.

    A woman that won't love you through this once she knows isn't worth your time. You are better than she is. Stay here with us and get your shit together.

    Billy B. likes this.
  4. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Hey Ghostrider,

    Sorry to hear about your ongoing struggles. Coming back here is taking a step. I really think a huge part of life is getting ourselves heading in the right direction. It's a long road. I don't think we can do much about it, but we can choose the direction we are going.

    You say you gave up the tube sites four years ago - that seems like a massive accomplishment. Are there things you did in that process that you can employ in the next step for you?

    I am totally new to this thing so I don't have much to offer, but reading your post one other thing did come to mind. As I have been reading the journals of others and some of the background materials it seems there are two somewhat intertwined issues going on for us. One is the physical addiction. Our desire for the dopamine hit and porn being the lever we pull to deliver it. Learning about that, for me, was a huge breakthrough and gave me hope I could start eliminating it. I get physical addiction and I can devise a strategy to fight it. The second part that many people write about (but I haven't explored much yet in the context of PMO) is things beneath the the surface that lead to addictive behavior. Have you been looking at and working on those things? I have been on a long road to getting my life into a better place outside of the PMO thing. There have been years of work to sort out who I was and what I really wanted in life (long story). Finding YBOP a month ago or so, things just clicked on breaking this PMO addiction that I hated, but I wonder if part of being able to come at this so aggressively is a lot of other things in my life were coming into line and I have more strength to tackle this now. Are there other things you need to be working on?

    I don't have much to offer other than to say, we are all on this road together. You are not alone in your struggles. It sounds like you have already done some hard work, so you know how to make a plan and follow it. I don't know about the MO thing - this will be entirely new for me as MO has been some part of my life since I was a kid, but it might be worth the effort to do a total reboot and see what happens for you.
    Billy B. likes this.
  5. Wabi-sabi

    Wabi-sabi Imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete

    You asked for some advice, so I'll make some rambling observations based on my own journey, which hopefully apply to you.

    First off, it helps to not see yourself as a porn victim. Yeah, we all are, but at the same time, it helps your progress to see porn use as a representation of your own unhappiness. You felt down, and porn offered a shot of the feeling-happy brain chemicals.

    Consider the following quote from Pema Chodron: "Maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves."

    So porn is just your brain's way of telling you that you are not engaging with the world. The good news is you fix that one step at a time.

    I pretty much constantly talk about the importance of self-forgiveness, of deleting your search history and letting it go. So you relapsed. . . it's just because you were not happy enough, or skilled enough at facing stress, or dealing with whatever inner torment that's currently pulling you apart.

    After that, the most important next step is to stop listening to your negative inner voice - don't call yourself a loser when things go bad. Just tell yourself that you won't listen, and, after a couple of weeks you kind of get out of the habit of trash talking yourself the whole time.

    After that, set aside the time to work on your self-esteem. (There's a link in my sig, but a whole bunch of stuff online, too.) Follow the steps.

    While you are at it, find a sport or form of exercise. I've recently started running, but most guys around here hit the gym. Fine something that suits your personality.

    Break out of your old habits. Just start doing things differently. I started cold showering. It's horrible at the time but I feel better afterwards. I also meditate and get to bed early, both of which make me fell better about myself. Shake up your old routines, particularly those around internet use. (There is a huge element of habit to porn use.)

    See what I'm doing here? There is nothing complicated, just a series of direct actions that you follow one simple step at a time.

    The only philosophical point I'm going to make is that feeling good about yourself is just another skill - something you learn. It's explained in the Slight Edge but you don't have to have read it, or even believe that it will work.

    Sorry this sounds so lengthy and prescriptive - if I'd had more time I'd have written less!
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member


    Thanks for the considered replies. Much appreciated.

    It's actually 10 months since we split. I don't remember feeling so bad back then but as time has worn on, I've been taking the odd peak at her Fb public pages and noticed those photos yesterday. I guess what makes it worst its seeing her so happy while I've continued on the path to nowhere. We had similar photos. We were together for over 1.5 year and had some good times. Sorry to hear about your own troubles. If I can give you any advice how not to make the mistakes I have made over these years, I will do.

    Rugger, not sure if we have met here before but I've bumped into you often when I've taken a look around here so I know you've had similar issues. I use to feel the same way about a women not prepared to love me through this isn't worth being with but if you put the boot on the other foot, can you really blame her? I told her fairly early on about PIED.I didn't have much choice if you get me. One of the toughest things I've had to do. It didn't go down well and wasn't mentioned again. Cue the boner pills etc. I was actually relived when we split. No more excuses on why I couldn't have sex that night and no more side effects from the pills. As I say, she wanted more from a relationship than I could give her and why not? With continuing ED she'd probably had enough. Seeing those photos was still tough though.

    As of today, I've committed to not checking her online again. Time to move on. I'll take. your advice on the book, read underdogs post and will stick around here a bit more.Thanks.

    Jam, I think the your right. Making steps in the right direction is the best thing we can do. I've done a lot over that last 4 years to take those steps. Mostly by following advice on here and YBOP. I've stalled at best and fallen back at worst for a long time though. Guess that's why I'm back. The biggest has to be giving up the porn sites. Finding YBOP back then was a light bulb moment.Everything made sense on why I had ED. The addition itself is more ingrained and I managed to substitute PMO for MO to fantasy throughout. This has been my problem. MO'ing/edging without P. The occasional visit to Netflix or personal adds hasn't helped either. Like you, MO has been part of my life since my teens. Not easy to give up as I've found.

    Wabi, you make some great points. You must have read my mind as I've called my self all those things and worst. It's difficult though. Seeing all my friends and family have normal healthy relationships while I hide ED takes its toll. Fairly sure some thing I must be gay or some kind of weirdo as I've been more or less permanently single for 10 years and not much to report prior to that.Like I say you make some valid points and they make sense. I'll take a look your signature shortly. Thanks again.

    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Welcome Ghostrider,

    With you ex, the only way forward is "no contact" and part of no contact is avoiding all social media she is on.
    Good idea to google "the importance of no contact"...
    It seems to me that is a great victory if you are avoiding the tubesites. Are you getting exercise?
    How is your mood generally, do you think you might have a bit of mild depression... just turning 40 is really young, you make it sound like a bigger deal than it is.
  8. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member


    Thanks. You're right. No contact from now on. We exchanged a few messages earlier in the year but I initiated them. Can't remember the last time though. I think as time has gone by and loneliness has set in, I've looked on the relationship with tinted glasses and thought about contacting her. Checking her FB page was still a shock to see her with someone else. Really shouldn't be a surprise as she lives in the real world. People move on. As I'm I from her.

    Mood is up and down. I don't like to think in terms of depression, mild or otherwise but yeah I get down. For me Friday nights are the worst. Tried and back to an empty house. No matter what I have planned that weekend, it's a downer being Not having someone to share things with.. Exercising a bit. I enjoy it, certainly gives you a lift but I need to do more. Had a ankle injury during the summer so it set me back but intend to push on from here.

    Will get googling your suggestion. Thanks again.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    40 is young. I'm going on 57 and my pied is cured. I have better hard-ons now than when I was in my 40's. I think the big key for you, now that you've given up the tube sites, is to just.not.fap. Yeah, you've heard that before. You can be a champ in the bed again, my friend and it's going to happen on this reboot.

    A lot of the strides you are making are good ones. Remember we're doing this for ourselves, not someone else. That is really fucking hard to remember. When the default mechanism is to be friendly, nice, helpful, and worry about everyone else's needs then we, the most important person in our lives, takes a back seat.

    I need you and you need all of us. We're like musketeers. All for one, one for all! :D
  10. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Thanks Saville, great to hear you beat PIED. Pretty sure mine is a severe case but always encouraging to know someone else has found the right path.

    Yes, MO has been my biggest problem. I've known it for a long time. Struggled to stop. I don't think I've O'd since early July but edged (without P) many times. Bizarre behaviour. Probably wasn't even a thing pre Internet.Certainly not for me but it became the next best thing to P and I've been telling my self it's okay. It isn't.

    You've got me to a tee here. I've done it for years. Even with friends. I'd be the guy who'd go drinking with single mates so they weren't stuck in the house themselves rather than stay in with a GF. They didn't return the complement.

    That reminds me, must get the "No more Mr Nice Guy" book Rugger recommended.
  11. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Here is a link ghost, save you going to the bookshop :)

    I am finding it very usefull!
  12. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Much appreciated Bob!
  13. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Keep taking these steps, man. You are headed in the right direction. I know I am a Johnny-one note on this, but direction is what matters. We can control that. Pace, slips, moods, these are complicated by so many things, but keep your face set in the direction you know you want to go. Glad you are here and doing that.

    Walking with you (As MM says - one day at a time).
  14. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    MO + edging, I truly believe is almost as bad as PMO, especially if you don't O at the end. The longer the edging lasted the harder it is on the system. PIED may or may not only exist in the brain, we may be wearing out the prostate in certain ways with MO + edging.

    Also, MO + edging ignites the PMO pathways which we need to unwire.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I've been that guy, too. When every anyone was moving they'd call me. I always showed up, even when their "close" friends didn't. I think it's OK to be helpful and I'm glad I'm that way, but, it does suck when things aren't reciprocated.

    40new30 is right. I wasn't really an edger, except for the odd time, but even wanking wrecks things down there; especially when it's relentless. I used to get pain in the prostate from time to time and that has gone away. Things are settling down. I still go pee a lot, but that could be age related. You are going to overcome this, Ghostrider. Simply follow through with a hardmode reboot and you'll laughing you'll feel so good and also because your dick is going to be monster hard. :D
  16. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Jam, yes I think I'm moving in the right direction. At last. I've been treading water so long but finally feel like I can do this.

    40, I believe that too although for so long I've been kidding myself that it's ok. It's a by product of PMO for me. Something I wouldn't never do prior to the tube sites. I think there's also been a need to test/check I can get hard. I can but need manual stimulation. Not exactly a recipe for recovery. I think it's around a month since the last episode so hopefully I'm finally putting it behind me
  17. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member


    Thanks. Hardmode it is! I know this won't be easy but finally feel confident I can do it. No other option.
  18. Jam

    Jam Active Member

    Welcome to hard mode - I think I am actually moving into a kind of monk-mode as of today. Being oaths trip allows for that and fuck it! I want to hit back at the bastards in my brain that went after me.

    It really feels like you are on the right track and getting serious about it. You've got a crew of guys here who have done and seen everything. It is a great resource.

    Pushing on.
  19. ghostrider

    ghostrider Member

    Jam, thanks I like your attitude to this! I'm serious alright. No other way to beat this.

    Been a bit down today. Work pressures and also some anxietyin the mix haven't helped. Not sure why but I get bouts of it time to time. At this point normally I'd take the easy way out and MO/edge for that quick hit. The addict in me isn't going to win this one anymore.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Fuck yeah, bro'!! :D

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