Another journey begins

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by JayR, Aug 4, 2020.

  1. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Don't lose long term perspective. If you are feeling down and lost you have to understand that what caused you to feel this way. I strongly recommend you to get rid of Instagram. You are stronger than you realize. Just give your mind sometimes and keep yourself busy with things that are not harmful. You can get through this. Your future self will be thankful to your current self. Don't complain. Try to figure out solutions. You can do it.
     
  2. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Thanks, RainMan! You're totally right.

    Day 39

    Awoke feeling better. Not 100%,but better. Think this stress is triggering a lot of the problems that i'd cope with by watching porn previously. The nice Instagram algorithm helping me slide down that slope too. They've changed it so now older posts are replaced with "suggestions", which based on my thousands of previous likes... Are all those "underwear" and "poolside" pics. I can see I was sliding back with that. I'm gonna count it as a lapse. I didn't M for long, defo no O and still no actual porn. So, threat spotted, threat... In process of being dealt with.

    Yikes tho. Last post was up at 1am stressed so much I couldn't sleep, haven't had that feeling in ages.

    Perspective is a good point. I've lost that these last couple weeks with work stressing me. I can tell its triggering shame again, the biggest Libido killer. Shame that I can't do my job and pay for my studies etc. Shame I'm being treated like this etc. And then, Libido runs away... So then I'm ashamed about that.

    Still, I'm spotting these all now, and turning my mind towards recovery each time. It's boring and frustrating that these knock me off course for a day or a week at a time... But it wasn't going to be easy.

    Reading about addiction too, that's helping clear it all up.

    Gonna try and wind down Insta, get my friends to WhatsApp me instead.

    Also gonna try and wind down M too. Its still a bit too focused on what my mind wants rather than needs, and definitely isn't based on physical arousal (there isn't any at the moment). At the same time I'm gonna try and focus on building that physical arousal. Let me body have some fantasies etc and feel, well, comfortable.

    Live your genuine self... That's a tough one right now but ultimately what this is about. A genuine Libido and arousal, not some weird algorithm or boredom.

    So, ok, feeling a bit better. Mind is still on default mode and autopiloting into despair and freak out mode, but I can see that now. My mind is slowly drawing back. Not staring right one instrument at a time (in an cockpit analogy), and going OMG this one is spinning around so much! But leaning back and seeing how it all works.

    Gonna try and get back to centre this week. Thanks guys!
     
  3. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Day 40

    Another kinda milestone?

    Well today was a bit better. Had my venting on day 38.

    Had a reflection about the increasing excitement of the prospect of watching porn. I was reading a book about people struggling with addictions because of various reasons. It said a lot can resolve to give up their substance/process, but a lot falter when they re-encounter after a period of abstinence.

    It made sense instantly. See these guys maybe quit alcohol, they get a buzz over taking care of themselves and being responsible. However they come across the alcohol again... And have a false dawn. "man I feel so good! I'm so recovered, this won't harm me at all!" but really, behind this thought, it is the worst time to even think about it. Even on sip will just start the addiction off again, and that's how many people relapse. I can see it behind a few relapses on here too.

    So for me now, I accepted that, ok, that excitement, that feeling of "but it would be so good now!"... That's true. It would be good! I haven't watched porn in like 6 weeks. Already that tolerance has probably receded. I haven't had sex either. I haven't seen a full naked body for that time, other than 3 blips. So clearly porn is gonna be tempting...

    In a way, its normal. That's how normal people feel about porn! It's an exciting thing. So I don't have to be ashamed that I'm even excited or thinking about it. I'm not doing it. I can allow myself to go "oh god it would be so hot!". So that's part of recovery. I want to watch porn again, that residual shame around it has floated away too, because again, after 6 weeks, that bond has also weakened. A sad M experience isn't what I'm subjecting myself too every day. A naked body would do just fine!

    Will I watch porn again? Hell no! But at least the cravings and real desire, real "but it would make so much sense to watch porn now" feeling, at least they make sense now.

    MW was making a comeback this morning. Managed to kinda M for a while, perhaps don't need to and should refrain to build sensitivity, but it was affirming. When I'm more confident again I'll try a couple days 100% hard mode again. Got a couple stirrings down there today too just from conversations.

    Breathe in breathe out!
     
  4. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Day 43

    Feeling better mentally. Getting a grip on my anxieties and stuff.

    But I'm getting over confident. Still no PMO relapse but my browsing of Instagram is definitely "more intense" than before. One profile linked to a nude blog... Id like to say I clicked accidentally, but I didn't. I intentionally went looking for porn.

    Did it again this morning. Instagram profile with a link to only fans. As I'm not a subscriber it didn't show anything. But then I went back to the old site that has all their nudes leaked!

    Didn't M at all to any nude. But I've seen them again. Just a couple pics so it's a glimpse rather than full on exposure. It kinda didn't do anything for me anyway, it was just mindless dopamine chasing, I guess.

    Kinda surprised by all that! Thought I had kicked it. I thought as well that I'd be over it, but i guess what said in my last post is true... Its a novelty again, so twice the dopamine kick for a dopamine starved mind.

    Stress too has made arousal etc a bit further off. I'm away in the clouds over thinking a lot rather than in my body. Need to remember that's where I'm suppose to be: on planet earth, in my body. Not in some memory or created future scenario.

    Só a bit of a relapse. Lapse of judgement I guess. But the no-PMO streak is still going.
     
  5. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

  6. JayR

    JayR New Member

    UK Don: thanks for that! That was really informative actually. I can really see how that's part of where I am now.

    Day 47

    Looked at that porn game yesterday... Eye roll haha. But I'd played it before and it didn't really stir anything. As with all the other times, still no PMO. My PMO and O streak remain.

    Basically I'm flatlining again. Stressed and anxious, but it's because I'm too attached to these thoughts. The habit of the last 6 years is to get stuck in these cycles and patterns etc. Getting out them and into the real should be the norm, but at the moment it's a heady release. Those moments I've felt free feel like some kind of... Dopamine rrush haha.

    I can tell I'm semi avoiding them in the strangest way. I know it's better to just let go, stop thinking something is wrong. I know my body is healed fine. It's just my mind. But as I've read more I can see as that dopamine system dies off a lot of anxiety arises. Makes sense as even tho I've been more chilled in my outlook, I'm getting anxious without noticing. Weirdly tho just letting them all go, I'm like... Well, it can't be that simple can it? Like I'm keeping myself stuck in the mud. Cos it's familiar.

    So those things are contributing I think. Anxious and stressed, so I'm not living fantasies again and then getting a natural arousal. MW has been a bit weaker these last few days subsequently. But still, a few "fantasy triggered" arousals. So the machinery is there and it works, I just need a steady hand on the levers.

    Still I think I'm probably retarding my progress with apps. Might delete the dating apps and "refresh" my Instagram. I use it fairly socially which at a time like this is useful, so deleting might make me feel isolated. Nonetheless I choose who I follow, so I'll remove the posers and their hot bodies and follow some art galleries.

    Só yeah. More knowledge, I just need apply it all to my thoughts and my daily life. Just chill outttttt. I'm so clearly still wrapped up in my own thoughts my body and mind and libido don't have space to breathe nor energy to draw on. I need to be in the present so when I have fantasies etc I can actually imagine what they'd feel like, not start imagining the consequences.

    Anyway.

    Good weekend helping my parents sort out the house. Nice distraction from the anxiety.

    So I guess today is just acknowledge the heightened, seemingly unexplained spikes in anxiety are part of the process. Stop the judging habits, let go of these silly old thought patterns and just chill the hell out!
     
  7. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Day 56

    Still no PMO! 8 weeks of no porn with a few glimpses but not O or PMO.

    I think I've done well at weaning myself off the porn habit. Next is the M habit. Healthy M hasn't really happened since stopping the porn. I'm noticing a lot of what I call "touch time"... My hand down there. I can see now it's not helping me mature emotionally and that it's a crutch got anxiety. I'll be nervous or anxious about something and start touching myself. When I resist that urge, it's never really that bad. I feel a bit bored or exasperated, but I'm actually managing to ask myself what is it I really want to do in that moment.

    Só, I think now Ive worked on the PMO and porn, I should really try hard to reduce M. It's stealing my MW and natural arousal. Not to say sometimes it's not been genuine excitement, but I can see way better now that the rewiring is slowed down by this. I thought of it before as like I've gotta strip out soooo much thinking about sex/porn.

    I can also see how getting rid of porn created a nice honeymoon period where the body and mind were like oh thanks and I felt better, but then the cravings and withdrawal anxiety hit. So I can kinda separate it now. Sometimes those spikes in anxiety are just my brain cleaning the crap out.

    Also I'm noticing I'm feeling better as a person. Perhaps with therapy too, but I think even like my sexual identity feels stronger. I'm not thinking about weird crap I don't like then telling myself wow how liberated. I'm actually connecting with my own tastes again.

    Still, as I said at the beginning, I'm still doing a lot of M, especially with the MW. I'm like not even fully awake and there I am, M'ing away like crazy. Not especially hard, but it's for a while before I stop myself. Annoyingly it feels better precisely because I'm doing it less other times, so it's more of a comfort!

    Só I'm gonna try and remember how thrilling it used to be. If it doesn't match when I'm doing it now, well then time to stop. Before I put my hands down there... Am I really in the mood now? Or just stressed/bored? Why not mature emotionally and be at peace after or during work? Rather than sitting there fapping away.

    Managed to cleanse my Instagram too. Muted a lot of the accounts from before, and felt better for that. Followed loads of art and archaeology ones, cinema too, to be more inspired and dream of something else as well as sex. I'm gonna try to continue that.

    This past week has had its ups and downs, and I guess the next one will. But still, I'm making progress just at my own pace.
     
  8. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Day 66

    No PMO/O streak still going.

    M? Hmmm

    Basically I've repeated the same pattern as before... No M for a while, so M feels great. Start to M more frequently... M decreases in quality.

    This time I tried to organize it a little better. When it started to feel good, I told myself to never do it outside of bed. So I could at least try to have some control. That was kinda OK but then I noticed I was "sleeping in" so I could M longer. And I started ogling Instagram again.

    Nonetheless, behind that there has been some re-wiring, at least of self esteem and removing actual boundaries to what I like. No more uptight fantasies, no more judgementally shutting myself down mid fantasy. I'm letting the mind wander and get a feel for what it's in the mood for.

    Still, ED is still there and not improved. I've noticed I'm more responsive to stimuli tho. So yeah, texting people and letting it get a little heated has happened, but I've actually gotten arousal from that, something I definitely didn't have before. So improvements are still happening.

    But, I still need to put some hard work in. I've gotten into a weird place I'm sure many get stuck in. You are desensitised, and you know it, so why bother M at all. You stop, and the mind/body recovers, if only partially. Your addictive mind races back in there to take advantage of that new found sensitivity... And... Back to square one. Recovery is lengthened.

    Só I guess now, I've got to know that the new found sensitivity... That's also part of recovery, not recovery itself. I've got to resist it, even tho taking advantage of it will feel like a great new start. Actually, I've got to sit there and resist taking advantage of it. Know that that voice that's telling me "but it feels good again wow 100% cured!" is just the addiction in a mask. Like an old drug dealer pretending to be your best friend so you can start using again.

    Ughhhh so a hard and confusing phase begins!
     
  9. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Day 72

    No PMO streak: still going!
    No O: likewise

    So I finally accepted it. I deleted Instagram and all the thirst traps. Told the couple of people I communicate with a lot on there I'll be off and to message me on WhatsApp. Sure there'll be some flirting or whatever, maybe some nudes, but I think the exposure overall will be greatly reduced.

    This last week I've really not done well at preventing that idle, absent minded M'ing. That "only while I'm in bed" rule worked... Kinda, but then I was just M'ing with Instagram. I was using up that recovered arousal again, and it was hard to stop because it felt good. So I was getting myself trapped again. But because it felt good, it felt like something of a recovery! When really it wasn't at all, it was a false dawn.

    So I learned more again. The recovery is procedural, but the journey is a bit more complicated. My body will heal itself, but my mind is also more complicated. I can hold up the physical recovery by indulging that addictive voice. If I stop indulging it, the physical recovery can continue.

    From now on then, I'll see how I do with no Instagram. Already feel a bit better, I'll see what anxieties come up when I can't scroll and scroll mindlessly.

    Got to limit M too. I'm noticing my fantasies are still changing for the better (except for this week with the heavy Insta usage). They're more realistic, more whole body experiences rather than "image of body". There's some imagining of the sensations, a 3D experience rather than 2D haha.

    I hope with a big distraction finally removed (after nearly a month of pretending I could manage with it) I can start to recover better. Not quicker, but better.

    So, onwards..
     
    UK Don likes this.
  10. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Day 82

    No PMO Streak: Intact
    No O: likewise

    You guessed it... M still a bit too often.

    My triumphant deletion of Insta was followed by a less than triumphant march to using the various other apps on my phone. But no excuses this time, they got deleted too.

    Still got ED. But the fact that before I had some good function quite quickly shows me how much of a mental game this is. The body is ready.

    Feeling stressed and anxious a lot. Not necessarily negative too, but my god my life goals! Like I'm stressed and anxious cos I'm avoiding doing things... But thess things would actually help me! Avoiding studying etc.

    I feel like my body etc doesn't quite know what to do with my M episodes. I let myself have a little fun at the morning... But now my body is like "well, I guess I'll join in". Sounds grim but I think it's the re-wiring. My fantasies, when I dragged myself out of Insta and then those other apps, were improving. My attitude and outlook etc about sex improved, like it was a part of me again and not some weird.... Idk hobby?

    Like there's some mental re-wiring going on, in the back of the mind. The body has already done a decent bit of work. Now it's just tentatively connecting them again. Fantasy, I'd like you to meet my old friend, State of physical arousal. Been a while since you last met, right?

    Só..... ED back, MW sporadic, but... Outlook... Hopeful.
     
  11. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Day 87

    Nearly the big 9-0!

    No PMO/O streak: intact.

    But today, first time in like all these 87 days.. I looked at porn. No M, no O... But I looked at it. Partially out of desperation (I haven't seen a naked human body for 3 months) but also curiousity got me.

    Só what happened? Well... Nothing. I was like curious etc to see more, I had remembered some twitter account, looked on the profile... "just to check".. Then I was down the rabbit hole. Went to my twitter home.. Lots of P... It actually aroused me for a change. I noticed I was actually interested in it rather than just "meh". My heart rate even increased.

    But was it fun? Was it worth it? Not really. But I'm happy for that. While it's been 87 days and I haven't nearly recovered... I'm glad my body has changed, and I'm sure my mind has too. I could appreciate the human body (always did haha) but I could also appreciate how saturated with it my mind had become, and still is. I saw that in normal times I'd be sooooo into what I saw. This time I was like... So restrained, and, ultimately, uninterested. I mean one part could have happily spent hours watching all of that. But there was not arousal.

    Anyway, in a total flatline atm. Well kinda yes and no. I noticed my fantasies are really changing. Less image based and starting to get more physical. I got hard the other day and was just walking round the house enjoying it. Like totally spontaneously. And then I was trying to think about sex... Not porn sex... But sex.

    Mannn it was like a starting a car that's been sat for 20 years. Those connections are so loose, so tepid. Like I remember it would be such a cocktail of thoughts, emotions, feelings, adrenalin etc when you got aroused. A rush of many things. Porn just makes it about images and dopamine. But that other day was so weird! Like no anxious fretting, just like coaxing it out. My mind was so out of shape, like bleary eyed after a long night out.

    Só despite the porn relapse and the flatline, I feel like some good progress has been made. I just hope the porn doesn't creep back in under the guise of "yeahhh but it's normality".... I need another 87 days at least before I try to do anything!
     
  12. JayR

    JayR New Member

    Day 96

    No PMO: still going
    No M... Like a couple hours? Haha

    Wow.. So that "oops I looked" turned into a full on 3 or 4 day binge. It felt so good and so under control... For about... 30 minutes. Then it wasnt under control. About a day or 2 later it stopped feeling good.

    Got stuck watching g some old porn star who I liked a lotttt before. Then others then others. Before long that thrill, that rush, subsided with each new video and I was watching wayyyyy to much again.

    At night one time I really came close to O... But managed not to. It might have been nice actually but idk it was to porn after all so would have broken the streak and been a relapse.

    Symptoms? ED back in force. But I'm sort of getting over that a bit... Like I can see the recovery starting virtually instantly. Not to where I was a while ago with big old HO every now and then. MW is a bit meh too.

    Interesting that other guys seemingly struggle at this stage. I guess it's that "oh I must be cured by now!" that guides blindly into a relapse.

    I feel I got my fill. Sure I could look, and maybe knowing I can kinda kills the thrill of last time. Or maybe it'll be another month or 2 this time and I'll be back to where I am now. Idk. This thing sure is a bit complicated haha.

    Still I think sexuality wise, I'm making better connections still with fantasies. Better at asking myself "what would that feel like" rather than just obsession over an image of this fantasy. Feel like that kinda progress doesn't depend so much on M or not like the ED does.

    What next? Idk. I really really need to stop M... Even if for like... A day? Just one day with my hands never in my pants. Then 2 then up to a week. Cos I think the constant sensation or stimulating down there is just leading me in circles and slowing recovery even with a no P or PMO streak.

    Onwards we go
     

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