Another Face in the Crowd

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Indycognito, Mar 13, 2019.

  1. Indycognito

    Indycognito New Member

    This will serve as the beginning to the journal that I am going to use during my healing process. I intend for this to be a real and rugged in depth look at all aspects of the journey I am about to undertake. I have never tried keeping a journal of my experience but I believe that this will be one more outlet I can depend on when the bad days hit. A little bit about myself:

    Started masturbating very young. Like 10 or 11.

    From about 14-28 I would watch internet porn and PMO 1-3 times a day without fail. Tastes in porn got way more out there the older I got. I’ve had a lot of faps I’m not proud of.

    My addiction to porn and my onset PIED cost me the one girl I actually loved in my early 20’s. This fucked me up a great deal fueling my depression and various insecurities. Even after that I continued my addiction for years, never telling another soul about it at all. Naturally I was pure shit at attracting ladies.

    The occasional one night stands I would pull got worse. Severe ED and even if I could get somewhat hard PE was a fucking problem. I finally quit being in denial about the problem almost two years ago which is when I came across YBOP and in truth the healing process actually started.

    At the time of this entry I am almost a month removed from porn. Can’t remember the actual quit date, I just got to a point where I said fuck this and quit before I went abroad for two weeks. I haven’t given up MO over the course of the month and I feel that I really needed to do that as well. I’m calling today day one since I have had no release since last night.

    Right now the only goal right now is the basic 90 days hard mode. After 90 days I will only allow myself to orgasm with a partner when the situation presents itself. Ultimately I just want to fall in love with a beautiful woman, and actually have good sex for once, but I can’t fully love a woman when I am just a hollow shell of a man at this point. I wasted the prime of my life on this addiction and I’m never going to get that back. I think that’s why I’m doing so well at not looking at porn so far. I’m angry about my situation but I’m channeling that anger into positive motivation. Little lessons like this are going to help me along the way. All things considered today was definitely a step in the right direction. On to day 2.
    Caoimhín and -Luke- like this.
  2. Indycognito

    Indycognito New Member

    Day 3

    Good day today. Work was alright despite the weather not cooperating with us, I even got to leave a couple of hours early. Next week is going to be hectic so I’m trying to rest up as much as I can. I honestly wouldn’t mind having tomorrow off.

    No urges today or moments when I thought everything would go up in smoke. If anything I’m feeling highly motivated about things right now. While I am thankful for this I know the real test is not within these first few weeks. The real test is going to be when its day 100 something and life just kicked you in the balls like it has a way of doing.

    To be honest I’m not all that concerned about porn at this point. I don’t want to go back. I would rather die than continue the hollow existence I have been leading. The man culprit to a potential relapse these first few weeks is going to be masturbation. I don’t think masturbation is wrong but I do think I need a complete reset of my system if I am to have any substantial progress.

    This streak is off to a good start at the moment. My main goal right now is to ride this momentum for as long as I can before our dear friend flatline makes an appearance down the road. Maybe I won’t flatline, hell who knows. I’m just thankful that I can lay my head down tonight knowing that I’m on my way to a better version of myself.
    Brit_91_kd likes this.
  3. Indycognito

    Indycognito New Member

    Day 5

    Just woke up and wanted to post since I didn’t get to last night. Currently sitting at the start of Day 5. I’m feeling pretty good. Got a solid 8 hours of sleep last night and I have a busy day ahead of me. I plan on getting some stuff done around the house and then I’m off to a St. Patrick’s Day party at a friend’s house.

    There are going to be some ladies there which I think will be good for my reboot. I have zero interest in trying to get any woman in the bedroom at this point but I think the social interaction with the opposite sex with no expectations will be a great thing. Definitely something that can help out for when I’m recovered enough to get back in the dating game.

    No ultra strong urges yet. I’ve been feeling too good to break my little streak. I’ve still got a lot of changes I need to make but I do know that I am done with the couple of week streak/ relapse cycle I’ve been stuck in for almost two years. All of those failed streaks led me to this point, so they actually did serve a purpose and showed me that I have the fight in me to do this. I really would rather die trying to fight my addiction and trying to get my life back then continue down the path I’m on. I never really considered how detached I was from everything around me until I embraced the fact I am depressed, and that my PMO is a major problem. My life is not where I want it to be but I haven’t felt this alive in years. To live and not to breathe is to die in tragedy. Time to seize the day.
  4. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    I just wrote elsewhere that "counters setting to zero" is not really how it works in our brains. Every attempt brings changes and you never go back to the place you were.

    Good luck and glad that you are back at it!
    Indycognito likes this.
  5. Indycognito

    Indycognito New Member

    Day 7

    Made it to day 7. Wasn’t feeling too dapper yesterday and didn’t update my journal like I wanted. I blame this on the hangover from the St. Patrick’s Day party I went to :) It was a great time with some wonderful people. Just what I needed for the weekend.

    Went to a friend’s house today and lifted some weights. We figured out a good starting point for me as I begin to build a workout routine for myself. I felt good afterwards and I need to make this a habit. Working out is definitely a common theme in this community, so I need to get with it.

    I haven’t really had any crazy urges. I’ll catch myself thinking about sex every so often but I snap myself out of it. For the first time in a while I feel like I have a slight upper hand on porn though. I don’t feel as overmatched or powerless as I have at certain points over the last few years fighting this battle. Sharing this story, while only in it’s beginning, has been hugely beneficial. I’m not where I need to be yet but I am definitely on the right path.
  6. Indycognito

    Indycognito New Member

    Day 8

    I’m definitely getting a little more irritable the further I get along. Just my mind playing tricks on me. The funny thing is I got home today and after relaxing a little bit I pondered on why I was irritable. I determined it doesn’t matter as much as I thought. For the first time in a while my path has a sense of direction and where I’m going is a whole lot better than where I am currently. I’m going to look back on this entry and laugh to myself one day.

    I feel the burn from yesterdays workout and it feels great. I’m going to be getting a gym membership in the next week when I get paid. This has to be made a habit. Tomorrow after work I’m going to head to the park and time myself on a mile run. I’m going to make it a goal to trim that time down now that spring is around the corner. While today wasn’t much of a win it definitely wasn’t a loss either. Moving on.

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