And Yet Another Attempt at Rebooting

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by richmart, Oct 1, 2014.

  1. richmart

    richmart New Member

    Here we go again. Back here trying to successfully reboot my brain again. It's been a little over a year since my last attempt and things have deteriorated significantly in my life since then. I am now separated from my wife and kids and have been for the past three months. I have become someone that I am really not proud of and a lot of the reason is my compulsive use of porn. I really, really need to get this out of my life for good. I feel that it has damaged my soul severely and, as I said, I have become a person that I thought I never would be. Wish me luck as I simply try to get through today without looking at porn or masturbating.
  2. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Welcome back. Never give up.
  3. Roaring Tide

    Roaring Tide New Member

    Hey Buddy,

    Wishing you all the best on your new beginning.

    I don't know if you're looking for any advice, but I'd like to offer one piece to you because it's one of the simplest things you can do that will help quite a lot: take a few minutes each morning to breathe slowly and deeply

    Close your eyes, place your awareness on your belly expanding, followed by your chest expanding, filling your lungs as fully and comfortably as possible. Then simply let it out as slowly as is comfortable. Repeat for a few minutes and do again in the evening if you can.

    Hope that doesn't come across as trying to teach you how to suck eggs. :)

    Good luck to you
  4. richmart

    richmart New Member

    I actually appreciate it AND one of my commitments this time around is daily meditation! In the past I have learned that nothing seems to help me as much as meditation but, for whatever reason, I stop doing it after a very brief time.
  5. Roaring Tide

    Roaring Tide New Member

    That's a very good commitment to start out with.

    If I may offer one more piece of advice, then, given that you mentioned:

    Here's a tip I've learnt along the way:

    1. Define what you will do
    2. Say when you will do it
    3. Do it

    E.g. I will meditate each morning for 3 minutes after I have brushed my teeth.

    Now you have a time frame that you will follow and you know exactly when you will do it. As soon as you have brushed your teeth, you meditate for 3 minutes, and then you can continue with your regular morning routine. If you feel like staying in the meditation longer, you can. And if you don't, it doesn't matter because you've achieved the goal for that day.

    This makes establishing new habits and routines much easier and far more likely to sustain them.
  6. Beowulf

    Beowulf Member

    Sounds like you have been through a terrible time, best of luck, keep posting.....
    Hope you can reconcile with your family..
  7. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    I am currently separated as well. It is its own kind of hell. I know how tough it can be.

    Take the opportunity to work on your commitment to ending your addiction. My time away from my boys has been my hard work time.

    I've found the workshop at Recovery Nation to be a huge help to me.

    I've found staying connected here has been an even bigger help.

    Good luck! Hang tough!
  8. exaso

    exaso Member

    The Real RM -

    Just want to welcome you (back). Though I don't have much to add beyond what the others have already mentioned - I'm a bit of a newbie as far as these efforts go - I'll tell you that I'm glad you're here.
  9. richmart

    richmart New Member

    I can't say how much I appreciate your responses. I have wasted a couple of months post-separation feeling bitter and angry about it (in spite of the fact that my actions brought it on). I finally have come to the realization that this can be an opportunity to put in the hard work that is needed to finally get porn out of my life. My addiction extends back more than 20 years so it is well-rooted in my brain.

    Thank you for the reminder of the importance of staying connected here. One of the things that I am missing is a group of guys who are struggling with the same thing and understand how hard it can be. In addition to daily meditation, one of my other commitments is to post here daily. Got to find a way to fight the increased isolation that my separation has brought into my life.

    Here's to Day 2!
  10. Sidd

    Sidd Guest

    Hi RRM and welcome back,
    That is a tough and paainful situation and I first and foremost wish you well. Maybe this is your chance to get rid of something that you don't want in your life. I am not an advocate of having to hit bottom or of pain being the only way to change but it can undoubtedly be a motivator. There is always hope of a better tomorrow , a new you , a fresh start and there is always choice. Whatever has happened has happened and what is sure is that compulsive avoiding behaviour will never make that better. It will only ever make it worse. Time can heal and little steps take us down the road. Meditation is a great practice and practice is important. We are what we practice so when we practice PMO , drinking, ( name your poison) that is what we will become and when every day with the same commitemnt that we put into P we practice something wholesome, calming and nurturing then we will begin to become that. It truly can happen. It is happening to me and I dearly want to see it happen for more and more people, for you , for everyone that wants that freedom. Writing things down is powerful. Envisage for yourself your future free of compulsions, see yourself doing what you would do, see the energy in your body, the clarity in your eyes and feel the joy in your heart. Describe that , this is who you would be and envisage who you would be if you keep on doing what you have been doing foe however many years? Ask yourself what do I want. What I am lrepared to do and then do that. This is a great community. Come here often, use posting as a habit, part of your strategy, the new you. Connect and help others. Take care and do it. You can, you just have to believe it.
  11. richmart

    richmart New Member

    Thanks Sidd for a great reminder of how much encouragement there is to be found here. It is so good to hear from those who have experienced the transformation. I need to be reminded over and over again that there is a life that is better than I can imagine waiting for me if I can only stick to this simple process of not looking at porn or masturbating each day.

    I woke up today and was immediately filled with a feeling of immense dread. My thought was basically "oh crap, another day to struggle through" and the urge to look at porn was immediate and strong. Thankfully I don't have internet access or porn in the place where I am currently living so I didn't act on the urge. I did what I try to do every morning which is to get out of bed, drink a cup of coffee and go and work out. And I'm guessing that it comes as no surprise to anyone that by the time I returned from the gym the urge had passed!

    I missed my chance for my morning meditation today so I will have to find time later today. I am committed to incorporating the practice into my life because I have read over and over and over again about how transformational it can be.
  12. exaso

    exaso Member

    Sounds like a good morning to me - glad to hear it!
  13. richmart

    richmart New Member

    Haven't been able to post over the weekend because I don't have internet access where I am currently living. A true blessing in disguise! Things are still going well. I have set a rather ambitious goal of meditating for 20 minutes twice a day and have enjoyed the longest stretch of maintaining such a practice that I have ever experienced. It's early but I do believe that it is making a huge difference in my mindset and, especially, in the degree to which I feel like behaving compulsively. This is one practice that I have always wanted to incorporate in my life but in a household with 4 kids where my wake-up time is controlled by when the youngest one wakes up (usually much too early!), it has been hard to find time for either a morning or an evening time. My separation has eliminated any excuses and so I am giving this practice a chance to work its magic.

    One thing I need to be careful of, though, is that I haven't made it through on entire work week without P and M in a long, long time. I work on a college campus with a large amount of female beauty on display. In the past I have learned that one of the precursors to a relapse is that I start taking in the sights throughout the day as a substitute for the porn that I am no longer viewing. I am hoping that my practice of meditation with aid me in releasing the images that I see during the day so that the feelings don't eventually build up into a need to M at some point.

    Thanks for reading!
  14. richmart

    richmart New Member

    I am in the middle of one of my moments of vulnerability. I am a college professor and just finished teaching for 3 hours. My body is acting like it deserves some P and M since that is what we have always done to relax after teaching for so long. As an introvert my whole system seems to crash when I finally get back to my office after being "on" for back-to-back classes. Thought it might be a good idea to tell all of you about it instead of doing what I have always done. It has given me a heads up that I need to work out some sort of new "getting back to the office" routine for next time so that I don't just sit down and start having these urges to look at some porn. It's amazing what you start to learn when you actually stop looking at this stuff!
  15. newturn

    newturn New Member

    Hi The Real RM

    I know what you mean about that autopilot of habit. It's amazing what awareness brings when you take a step back. I find the hard step being the bridge between insight and change. You are doing a great job with the meditation! Keep going.

  16. upside

    upside New Member

    Just wanted you to know you've got my support. Keep posting here regularly, you can get through this.

    : )
  17. ruggerdoug

    ruggerdoug Well-Known Member

    Have you checked out The site includes a 70 some lesson recover workshop that I have been working through. The support from people here has been fantastic. The learning about what is going on inside from the workshop lessons has also been fantastic. I think you might be just like me, amazed at what you are discovering about yourself and how your emotions and addiction dance together. This workshop will help you work through that.

    Good luck!

  18. exaso

    exaso Member

    The Real RM - how are you doing? Has today been a better day?

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