And so, the journey of a thousand steps begins...

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Deleted User, Jun 26, 2019.

  1. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (DAY 0)

    I have experienced so many ups and downs in my battle to stay free from porn.

    I read all the books, yet, one way or the other, I find myself returning back to porn. I feel like a total fraud and I do not see any harmony between my actions and my values.

    I just relapsed after going on a 49-day no-porn streak (I masturbated a couple of times towards the end of the streak)!

    The masturbation experience nowadays is totally unlike the strong and immensely intense ones I used to experience in my teens. My erections are still relatively strong, but semen is watery and I ejaculate in 1 - 2 minutes. Now that I think about it, I'm guessing this is one of the reasons I go back into porn. I feel the urge to see whether whether my abstinence from porn has increased the thickness of my semen, as well as whether or not my ejaculation time is increased. I really want to be able to last long enough satisfy my wife when I get married, and also be able to get her pregnant and have healthy children. Those are my subconscious internal motivations for watching porn that I can observe so far.

    As for external motivations for relapsing, I just got out of a very, very toxic relationship. My original intent was to keep myself till marriage because of the high value I place on sex in that context. That did not pan out as planned as I lost my virginity last year in this toxic relationship. And even though that was the only time we had penis-vagina sex, we pretty much did every other thing you could think of that was not penis-vagina sex. During this period, I had a very low amount of self-esteem rising up from the fact that there was no harmony between my beliefs and my actions. I detested myself and pretty much saw myself as an animal during that period. Of course, this spilled over to my relationships with other people, and at work. In fact, this was one of the reasons I opted out of the relationship. We were always sexually intimate (not penis-vagina sex) with each other every time we met, yet our lives were pretty much stagnated. All she ever wanted to do was to be around me. She was flunking at school, yet still resistant to change, and pretty much content with the status quo. Personally, I knew I wanted more from life than just waking up, sleeping, eating, receiving and giving head.

    However, ever since I broke up with this lady, I have been battling with all sorts of dirty thoughts about the times we spent together while we were still dating. I have since moved on into a new relationship with someone who loves me, even as we challenge ourselves to be the best versions of ourselves.

    It has not been smooth sailing, though.

    Before I started my most recent streak, I did something I never thought I was capable of doing in the next 1000 years. I cheated on my current girlfriend by allowing myself to be sexually intimate (not penis-vagina sex, but it doesn't make it better) with my ex. I confessed to my current girlfriend, and after she took a break from me for a while, she agreed to continue with the relationship because she appreciated the fact that I told her. I promised her and myself that I won't cheat on her ever again (either with a physical person, or, with pixels from a porn site). And I am determined to keep that promise to myself and her.

    My journey begins...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 20, 2019
  2. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (Day 1)

    Still felt a bit distracted with unwholesome thoughts about my ex. I know I can choose my thoughts, so I snap out of those thought patterns at times.

    I did not get much work done today, despite the fact that I worked from home.

    I went to the 40+ branch of this forum and I was encouraged by the progress that the older men were making in this journey. They seem to have learned how to snatch the control of their lives our of the hands of porn and are learning to live life on their own terms. If they can do it, I can do it too.

    Currently reading Neurolinguistic Programming for Dummies, as well as Psycho-Cybernetics and a recurring theme I see is that it seems like I am focusing more on the times that I slipped and fell, rather than the times I got it right. This means my subconscious is finding it easier to recall my failures than my successes and it's affecting my confidence. That changes today, and I am going to remember my past successes, and create more success that I can reflect on in the future. I choose not to take my recent 49-day streak for granted. I did well then, and it felt really amazing to not watch porn and masturbate.

    I like that feeling of being in charge of the direction of my life, and being able to do something to change my current situation. I don't want it to stop for any reason
     
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (Day 2)

    Great improvements today!!!

    Felt really motivated and got a lot more work done today. I felt really good about myself. There were a few odd cravings here and there, but I felt like I had no time to indulge them.

    A slight downside was that I met with my ex today. There was nothing sexual about the meeting. She needed help with a project which I happen to be proficient in. I provided her with the assistance in a place where it was impossible to be inappropriate with each other, and when I was done, I went my way.

    Little background info: My ex and I live in the same city (about 10 minutes away from each other) and we run into each other on occasion, while my current girlfriend lives some hours away. I will soon be relocating to another city (sadly, not where my current girlfriend is) in a matter of months, and I do not want to leave my ex on a bitter note. I know that sounds like what a 'nice guy' would say, but I just want to give her the respect she deserves as a lady, while not getting entangled with her emotionally.

    Now that I'm thinking about it and journalling, I'm uncovering more layers of the factors that may have contributed to my recent relapse. When I was with my ex, I went months without porn because she was emotionally available and we were sexually intimate (not penis-vagina sex, but every other thing). In fact, the only times I watched porn and masturbated was after we had a big argument. To her credit, my ex made efforts to connect emotionally, and could have made a good mate, but she was/is not driven and resented change. I felt I had to dumb down my ambitions and drive just to carry her along in the relationship. My current girlfriend on the other hand is driven and open to change, but she's rarely initiates emotional connection (though she is willing to change and is working on it). This is worsened by the fact that we live hours away and don't see every other day. I feel the most flashbacks to my past, as well as cravings to watch porn when I don't get that emotional input from her.

    So, the question arising from this situation is this: Is it possible that I am over-reliant on emotional inputs from the person I'm dating, such that when I don't get these inputs, I go back to porn?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2019
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (Day 3)

    Got a little more work done today. There was a window of time where I was so hyper-focused and in a state of flow. It felt so good, I feel alive.

    Had a conversation over the phone with my girlfriend's mum. In my mind, I'm like stuff just got real!

    I also made a huge leap forward in one of my personal projects that I've been working on for a while.

    I know this sounds corny, but it seems like peak performance is a state of mind that you can deliberately get into with the right attitude. Every single day, we all beautiful experiences that we should take note of and allow accumulate in our minds. Instead of passively letting the day happen to us, we can reach out and make the day what we want it to be! Instead of rehashing our failures, we could just learn the lessons and be determined to look for and create new positive experiences for ourselves moving forward.

    I want this to be my go-to state of mind ever single day.

    Edit: There was a period of time yesterday morning and this morning where I was feeling a strong need for emotional input. I wanted some kind of external validation. I think I have actually used this as a crutch for so long, such that I can't function optimally until I get that. I'm getting more aware that my worth is in myself. I do not need anybody else to feel good about myself. I am starting to value myself for all I am, all I've done, and all that I am capable of!
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 29, 2019
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  5. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (Day 4)

    Ex needed additional help with previous project. Again, I helped her - again in an open place where nothing inappropriate could happen. I think I'm pushing my luck, to be honest. She's trying really hard to get back. She wore a tight-fitting dress that left very little to the imagination. Red flags.

    Note to self: Never be alone with this girl behind close doors

    Fruitful day working on my projects. Girlfriend connecting more emotionally.

    Keep creating good memories everyday
     
  6. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (Day 8)

    Ex wanted to see again today. Again I obliged. Again meeting happened in the open.

    As she was trying to get all familiar, ex asked if I had a girlfriend.

    I said yes. Ex got mad, excused herself to go cry, then asked me to leave. I guess she didn't expect me to move on as quickly as I did.

    Obviously, I didn't feel good about her crying, but I guess "present-pain-future-ease" is better than "present-ease-future-pain".

    At least I don't have to worry about being tempted by her anymore.

    Made little progress on my projects.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 5, 2019
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (Day 12)

    Wow! Back to double digits again. Cool!

    Been busy with different projects and I like the feelings of accomplishment that I get when I get my tasks done.

    In addition, my decision-making seems to be of a higher quality nowadays. This is really good!

    I still feel horny from time to time, but the flashbacks to porn, or my ex have drastically reduced.

    This is my theory: Porn sneaks in when you are not living for anything. It rears its ugly face back in when you don't have anything to look forward to. You don't have to be a visionary like Steve Jobs, Zuckerberg, MLK or Gandhi, but you should at least see farther than the 6 - 12 inches of muscle dangling between your thighs.
     
  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (Day 18)

    Saw a picture of Serena Williams flashing her butt on Instagram yesterday. Left the site immediately.

    Unfortunately, the seed had been planted in my mind.

    Today, I found myself checking Google Images for pictures from ESPN body issue. I was rationalizing in my mind as I was doing this.

    Thankfully I caught myself before I could do any lasting damage. Streak still unbroken, but that was really close!

    Truth be told, there is no stage in this journey where you can afford to relax and coast.
     
  9. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    (Day 20)

    I've been battling with really serious flashbacks from my time with my ex.

    If I continue to entertain these thoughts, I might relapse.

    Relapsing is not an option!

    My productivity seems to be waning too.

    From my experience, it seems I have reached a plateau in this journey. If I can just hang in there, there are rewards on the other side.
     
  10. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    RELAPSED (Day 0)...Just broke a 23-day streak

    I knew I was going to hit a plateau in this journey. But I did not have a specific plan of what to do when that plateau arrived.

    The signs were already there: Lower motivation, weaker morning wood, massive deviations from my normal morning routine, worse productivity.

    This relapse leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. Why? I'm just now seeing the effects of many of the good stuff I did at the beginning of the streak. Imagine if I had been able to say 'No' to the opportunity to relapse,I could have properly basked in the satisfaction of making good progress.

    In any case, seeing these fruits manifest now feels good. I can't change the fact that I have already PMO'd, but I can choose my feelings in the moment
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 21, 2019

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