An Uphill Climb 27 y/o Male

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by popclassic, Mar 28, 2012.

  1. popclassic

    popclassic New Member

    The first time I ever saw porn was when my friend Lawrence brought a Playboy to school in the first grade. I still remember the pictures that I saw, the poses, the lingerie and the the suggestive poses. When we first got internet I used to sneak online and search for xxx pics or sex pics on yahoo. This was the first time that I was exposed to hardcore porn. This was somehow a forbidden world where I can sneak in and see what people actually do behind closed doors. There was a liquor store close to my house that would sell hardcore vhs porn movies. I had been going there to purchase candy since I was a kid. The guys that worked there knew me, and as a teenager they would let me buy the videos. Before my parents came home from work I used to watch and masturbate to the videos. Even though I was alone with the videos for some time I would only do this once or twice a week.

    When I got to college my addiction amplified 100%. Not only was I away from home, but I was now alone in a dorm room where I had T1 high speed internet access. I would spend hours online surfing porn sites and masturbating. My appetite for softcore porn escalated to hard core, then to asian and indian porn, to milfs, granny porn etc. I still was disgusted by tranny and gay porn, but I would explore to find that new "high." I was still young so my real life sexual interactions did not suffer, but I would mastubate 3-5 times a day. As an older adult I attempted to come to terms with my addiction by quitting several times. The longest I have gone was 2 weeks.

    One time within the last year I came across a video of what I thought was lesbian porn. They were two women kissing but it turned out to be tranny porn. I wanted to turn it of as I was usually disgusted but I felt a strong dopamine rush going over my body and I ended up mastubating. This was a very very disturbing moment. This was the start of my spiraling out of control with porn. From time to time I would look at tranny porn, more as a curiosity, but I would look nonetheless. This led me to have obsessive thoughts about my sexuality, though I have never in my life been attracted to men. I would sometimes watch gay porn to "check" and make sure that I was not turning gay. Which I am sure that I was not. Because I was not in a relationship at the time, I used porn and masturbation to satisfy 100% of my sexual appetite. I then read a book about sexual addiction where the author described in detail his addiction to visiting massage parlors. I figured if he could be cured of visiting massage parlors, I might as well check it out, at least it would stop me from using porn so often. I went to a massage parlor, and from day one I was hooked. I spend thousands of dollars at massage parlors over the last couple of years, going weekly at times. I never had sex at a massage parlor, but I would use the parlors to get an erotic release. It came to a point where if I was driving and I saw a sign that said massage, I would instantly visit, and make excuses for why I was late to wherever I was going. It was an expensive habit and I payed for it dearly.

    I'm now broke, depressed, and still addicted to porn I have been binging on porn for the past week, but I am ready to finally put this behind me, like I have done with the massage parlors. Tomorrow will be day one, for I have already failed today. I am looking forward to the journey.
     
  2. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Well done for making the decision and welcome to the forum! Have you checked out yourbrainonporn.com? It gives a lot of useful info.
     
  3. Psychosis

    Psychosis Guest

    Welcome. Just write a shitload in your journal, because it will be helpful to you to get your thoughts out there, and for others to read them. Your situation isn't at all abnormal. Lots of guys have gone through it, and come out alright in the end, therefore so can you. Good luck.
     
  4. 00Schneider

    00Schneider New Member

    Welcome! just take the time and read some of the journals here and you will see: you are not alone, there are more guys out here with your problems.
    I wish you a lot of success for you reboot and for stopping with the massage parlors too!
     
  5. popclassic

    popclassic New Member

    Thanks for the welcome guys. I will daily log my climb back toward glory. I have checked out yourbrainonporn. That is actually what brought me to this site. Thanks for the advice and support.
     
  6. popclassic

    popclassic New Member

    Can't seem to get past day one. It's likely because I work evenings so I have a lot of alone time with the computer in the morning. This is when my will power is the lowest. However, today I feel like I am making a commitment to myself. I am a christian, so I am going to start to also use prayer, and meditation to assist me in my climb.

    The worst part is that I feel so numb in my interaction with everyday women. I want to feel horny again when just looking at or interacting with women. Porn has robbed that from me.

    It is also helpful to look at porn as the enemy. I am naturally a competitive person. It is helpful to me to see porn as a competitor who plays very very dirty. I will not let this beat me.

    Day 1.
     
  7. popclassic

    popclassic New Member

    Yesterday was finally Day 1. A huge accomplishment for me. I think it took getting over the fear, and letting go of something that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I spent most of my time outside of the house and away from my private computer.

    I feel, in a sense free. I think that getting over this mental hurdle will provide me strength to push forward. My next goal is a week. I will not let this thing beat me. I don't want to let you guys and myself down.

    I started doing something called "pushups for porn." Whenever I have more than a fleeting thought of porn, I do a set of pushups to exhaustion (25-35 pushups).

    By the time I am done with the set my entire mood has changed and I am reminded of how much of a struggle this entire process is. The pushups remind me that the process is not easy. They remind me that its going to take some "pushing myself," some work.

    Pushing foward.
     
  8. Joss is Boss

    Joss is Boss New Member

    Well done on the successful first step. Committing yourself to overcoming this can be hard, but is essential. At the time it can feel like you're losing something, and it's only later you realise you only gain from dropping porn from your life.

    It is a very sneaky and dirty fighting enemy - well worth reading other people's journals to get an idea of what to expect.

    You're doing great staying away from the computer, and especially getting up and doing something else when ever the urge comes (I had a list of small jobs that needed doing around the house - press-ups seems better (I could have got rid of my moobs at the same time :) ) ).
     
  9. popclassic

    popclassic New Member

    Day 2

    Getting Day 2 under my belt felt good. I worked out yesterday so those endorphins are moving. I also feel more horny than usual, but I just keep saying it will pass. Woke up with morning wood, but I hopped out of bed and fought off the urge. Did the usual pushups and updated my Habit Forge.

    Habit forge is a free website where you can check in daily and track any goals. I find it helpful because it provides you with a visual detail of your progress. They also send you reminder emails and encouragement throughout the day.

    Moving forward. Beating this thing.
     

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