Am i really addicted?

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by newcool, Mar 23, 2021.

  1. newcool

    newcool New Member

    I have been on this forum about 3 years ago and i left. I am 40years old , married with 2 kids.
    I have been on and off porn since 2007.
    I am a christian and sometimes i wonder if i am still a born again but i try to comfort myself with the knowledge that ...NO MATTER HOW DEEP IN SIN WE MIGHT BE, GOD'S HANDS IS NEVER TOO SHORT TO SAVE US. HE WILL ALWAYS ACCEPT AND FORGIVE US ANYTIME WE ASK FOR FORGIVENESS.
    I only masturbate and watch porn maybe once in 3 weeks or once in 4weeks. it depends on how the relationship is with my wife at the moment.
    Before i was masturbating at will, but later on i masturbated when i am out of cash or when i am so depressed or whenever i have quarrel with my wife.
    i have read and watched many stories of pple that are really chronic addicts to porn watching porn and masturbating 2 or 3 times daily every day....or atleast 3 to 4 times every week...but i am not like that.
    it happens to me or i watch porn and masturbate maybe once or twice in a month and sometimes maybe once in 3 months. but really this has been going on for more than 13yrs now. so am i really addicted to porn and masturbating?
     
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It looks like it makes you feel bad, so I guess you're addicted to feeling bad. In other words, your habits seem to be at odd with your beliefs.
     
  3. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    There you go--- when you can't control life events you have a crutch ! Are you addicted ? Yup! Btw welcome back!
     
  4. badger

    badger Active Member

    welcome back my brother. an addiction for me is something or someone that distracts me and keeps me from facing reality. facing pain, shame, loneliness, hurt, anger. facing life on life terms without a crutch. my 2 cents worth.
     
  5. Cali

    Cali Active Member

    If you felt the need to seek out this forum then I would suggest that you consider porn to be a problem in your life. If you cannot just simply quit PMO without it pulling you back in at stressful times then you have a problem. It sounds like you need to find positive coping mechanisms like exercise when life is getting you down so you do not turn to PMO. I wish you the best in this journey to become a person who's actions are aligned with their values no matter what life throws at them.
     
  6. newcool

    newcool New Member

    Thank you everyone for your posts/replies so far. Thank you specially @Cali i enjoyed reading those lines.
    Sincerely i just came to this forum not because i feel so angry with myself for checking porn once in a while i just came again out of curiosity to read other pples stories and well maybe to let off some steam.
    As i am now , i no longer feel so guilty about PMO, in fact i feel like someone that gets knocked down and immediately gets up and continues on the journey, i no longer sulk or get worried that i watched porn or masturbated........Again coming back to my christian thoughts or mindset and my belief that am still a born again christian even though i fight this addiction once or twice in a month, its one of the reasons i dont allow these to weigh me down again.
    Sincerely i see myself as not being addicted just for the fact that i dont do this PMO multiple times daily or weekly unlike so many pple. I see myself as i have overcome already its just a kind of "remnant" or "after effects" of the addiction that is remaining that i am trying to fight off now.
    I beleive i can excersice more self control and will try to keep more busy or distract myself from falling into this PMO again.
     
  7. badger

    badger Active Member

    Paul's thorn on his side.
     
  8. newcool

    newcool New Member

    was it an addiction? some pple say that thorn in his flesh was an eye problem that Paul had......no one really knows what that thorn in the flesh was. But well if its an addiction like this .....hhmmm.....then theres a stronger hope for me then....and come to think of it....it was Paul that said when he wants to do good, the bad was with him so sometimes when he intended to do good, he sees himself doing the bad....cos of the sin living in him...do i have this PMO sin living in me too?..Rom 7:19
     
  9. newcool

    newcool New Member

    I just like to come back here to see the counters and see my progress so far. sometimes the urge becomes so much that i am forced to watch some porn but for the last 10days i have been okay. I hope this continues . but what will i do when the urge comes again?
     
  10. newcool

    newcool New Member

    I feel as if i am in an envelope that is kind of making me resistant to the temptations now...infact i feel as if i am in another realm entirely. ofcourse i see females daily and i browse the internet daily but somehow i just do not "see" the temptations. I do not feel any urge to watch porn cos i have this sort of inborn feeling/strength that shields me from wanting to see or look at porn. I pray this shield continues forever.
     
  11. newcool

    newcool New Member

    Now the urge is coming again after about 20days of staying clean...saw a glimpse of porn yetsreday and i quickly delete it but more urges coming up....i pray for grace and strength to be able to stay away. starting my early morning walking excersise again tomorrow. God help me stay away from this demon.
     
  12. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Its up to you ib the final analysis ! You can do it !.
     
  13. newcool

    newcool New Member

    Yesterday and today i have watched loads of porn but i have not masturbated. for me i feel until i have masturbated then i have not "fallen" yet, the temptation and the urge is so strong now. majorly due to wifey ignoring me...totally not speaking with me...infact that was what drew me to watch loads of porn yesterday and today. you know couple fights that sometimes you wish will just continue but deep down you want it to end. sometime ago my wife was telling me that she may decide to buy sex toys, well right now i dont care. infact i dont care if she goes out to have sex with another person outside. because of the hurts i have gotten from her i just dont care right now. Sometimes i used to wonder how can a man divorce a very beautiful lady? i always wonder what could be wrong that will make a man ignore all the beautiful and sttractive features of his wife ....now i understand? i have been married for 8years and my wife is beautiful especially after having her make up on, a lot of pple used to tell her she looks good in church. but really to me all those things dont really matter now. i now know what it feels like when you are not moved by your wife's beuaty or perfect boobs or great statistics.....

    So back to me, will i continue to watch porn now until i masturbate or i will totally ignore and delete all the sites that i have bookmarked in the last 24 hrs. let me delete them now and watch a movie. but my experience so far on this journey is that this urge wont go until i masturbate or maybe have sex with my wife. even sometimes after having sex. i might still come online and watch porn and have another masturbating session.

    I hope i will be back in my next post and report that i did not masturbate.
     
  14. newcool

    newcool New Member

    Today is friday , its been about 1 week now that i have been seriously consuming a lot of porns daily...spending hours checking different videos, bookmarking pages and even downloading a few videos to my system.....i never download videos to my system but that was a mistake because today my wife was checking through my laptop and saw some videos i downloaded. well somehow i dont care but deep down within am angry that i have been discovered. i thot my wife does not know how to operate a laptop. but she does and ofcourse she will not confront me about this. she knows i do check porn once in a while but she never caught me watching it but for her to now see some videos on my laptop. thats a good evidence for her to say yes she has caught me red handed and her convictions has been confirmed. but again i dont care.

    I have not masturbated all these days despite the fact that i have been watching porn daily and today i decided i was going to stop watching porn atleast for now and i have deleted the videos on my system and deleted all the bookmarks and cleared history and cookies.

    I will continue my best to try to live rght and be a good husband and father not minding the hell i face from my wife. And ofcourse i dont think i will masturbate . remember i said and i beleive as long as i did not masturbate i beleive i am still up that i have not "fallen" .

    I beleive its like what Alpacino said in devils advocate, i look but i dont touch, i taste but i dont swallow. i see the temptation everyday but i dont fall for it. I beleive God's mercy is still enough for me. I beleive HIS grace is still keeping me. See you again in some days time.
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is good!

    I'm definitely not a resource for Christianity, but didn't Christ say in the Sermon on the Mount that, and I paraphrase: "anyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart." As a Christian I'm sure you'd agree that ogling on the internet is the same as lusting, wouldn't you? I'm not judging, brother, just pointing out how easily it is for us men here to rationalize behavior that we already know harms us. Honestly, speaking as a non-Christian, if checking out P and cheating on one's partner was fulfilling then I would be all for it. However, I've come to realize that what we're really doing is letting an important part of our being atrophy, thus becoming lesser men.

    While I was looking up the Sermon on the Mount to make sure that what I thought I remembered from my church days was true, I came across another quote from Proverbs.

    Do not desire her beauty in your heart,
    Nor let her capture you with her eyelids.
    For on account of a harlot one is reduced to a loaf of bread,
    And an adulteress hunts for the precious life.
    Can a man take fire in his bosom
    And his clothes not be burned?

    If we substitute porn for "a harlot" and "adulteress" I think the above says it all. As we take these pernicious images into our mind we are reduced in spirit and burned in flesh.



    Source: https://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Lust
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2021 at 11:36 AM
  16. badger

    badger Active Member

    it is not the masturbation we are addicted to. that is just a few seconds of extreme pleasure but the thrill of the hunt. our dopamine is released when we look. when we edge. this is where we get the rush. it is in the oogling where we get the intense high. that is why we go from one screen to another or maybe have 2-3 open at the same time. or when watching a suspense/thriller movie it is very exciting, keeps at the edge of our seat throughout until the killer or the resolution, then it is a let down. my 2 cents worth.
     
    Saville likes this.

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