Am I addicted to chatting with girls online?

Discussion in 'Internet Addiction' started by joelski, Oct 28, 2013.

  1. joelski

    joelski New Member

    I am going through a divorce right now, and it's set to be finalized on Wednesday. In addition to my PMO addiction, I was caught having relationships online with girls, one of which was romantic in nature. I cut it off, but my wife still found out about it.

    Then after the separation I started chatting on an anxiety site because I have severe anxiety that's only been worse from the divorce. I honestly wasn't looking to start a new relationship but I met a girl who is incredibly pretty and really kind and compassionate. She knows a lot (but not all) of my issues, and she still really likes me. She thinks that I am her soul mate, and I think I might be hers. We clicked from the first minute we started talking.

    Well my ex somehow was able to get into the site and saw our chat conversation real time, and she berated me. Granted we aren't together any more so it's not really any of her business if I've found someone new. But she told me that I'm addicted to chatting with women online and that I have real problems and need to seek professional help etc. I don't know if that's just her being jealous or if I do really have a problem. I'm really conflicted right now.

    So in the meantime I told the girl I was talking to that I can't continue to talk to her right now and that we need a break (it's been only 2 weeks). I would really hate to lose a great relationship, but at this point I need to sort out my feelings.

    So what do you think? Am I wrong to pursue women online? Should I just take a long break to find out if I have a problem or not? Or is my ex just being controlling and/or jealous? I'd like honest feedback.
  2. joelski

    joelski New Member


    I could use some honest feedback on this thanks.
  3. a_metros

    a_metros New Member

    I don't claim to be an expert, so I can offer advice as such, but I can share a couple of things from my own experience.

    When I was living abroad I started chatting with my ex-girlfriend on Skype and also with another girl on myspace. I noticed 2 things happened:

    1. My ex and I developed a sexual relationship on Skype messenger that led to us needing to talk constantly when we actually met up and had sex. We'd be telling each other complex sex stories the whole way through. We also started encouraging each other to have sex with other people and then talk about it on messenger. Basically, our sex life started to revolve totally around narrative and language instead of physical contact.

    2. At the same time, I got totally infatuated with the girl from myspace. We met up after a few months of online flirting and saw each other a few times over a period of about 2 weeks (it was the Christmas holidays). We admitted that we had both decided we were in love before we even met. I ended up quitting my job and moving to her city to be with her, but when I got there she'd found another guy. I still kept seeing her for a little while, but realised that I didn't really know her at all.

    More recently I was sex-chatting with a teenager on tumblr. That girl was saying things to me I have absolutely no doubt she would never have said to a guy she actually knew.

    So I guess I'm saying there might be good reason to be wary of online chat. If you are using it to block out the real world and avoid real relationships then it could be very destructive. Often it doesn't really have a lot in common with physical relations in the world around you and in my experience it can alter the way you relate to people and sex.

    On the other hand, I have a friend who met her husband through myspace at the same time. They are married and happy with a child. In some cases it's just a good way to meet people. So maybe you need to ask yourself what the goal of this chatting is for you. Do you actually want to have a relationship with one of these women. If you did have that relationship, could you leave the chatting behind? If not, maybe it's very similar to using porn?
  4. joelski

    joelski New Member

    Thanks for your input.

    I don't think I got into this relationship for sexual reasons at all. Don't get me wrong, she's really attractive, maybe even more attractive than someone like me deserves. And we started talking dirty but I told her in not ready for that yet. She is the one who really pursued me from the start and not the other way around, I really wasn't looking for anything but when I saw that a really pretty girl enjoyed talking to me and thought I was really cute it peaked my interest.

    And I am perfectly ok with being exclusive with her for as long as I have to. If that means no sex for a year or more so be it. If it means I only get to see her a couple times a year, that's ok. She is worth it. I think she is absolutely perfect for me, she is really kind in ways that I haven't experienced before. I always seemed to attract bitches who treated me like crap- she doesn't. I get a totally different vibe from her than I've had from anyone else.
  5. a_metros

    a_metros New Member

    Well, that's great. Just be careful, because in my experience it's easy to get infatuated with someone online, and they can shield you from all the parts of them they don't want you to see. They can create a persona of the person they want to be.

    On the other hand, like I said, sometimes it does work out.

    Good luck.
  6. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Dude I met almost all my girls online. BTW If you are talking to her like "My 12 inch dick is destroying your soaking wet pussy", she will be afraid she can't compete with what she "said" to you. I never really met with a girl after extensive sex talk w/ details. It's much better to say that "we will have sex definitely", and focus on writing about hugs, kisses etc. I always get them to send me naked pics. If a girl doesn't send me her body photos, or many normal photos, I consider her to be uninterested in me.

    As an example, if I wrote to a girl that I have 10 inch throbbing penis, I think I would not really have courage to meet her, so watch your words
  7. ted93704

    ted93704 Keep Your Heads Up!

    Meet the girl on the chat thing in real life. Then take it from their mate! Tell your ex that you appreciate her feedback and that you are really sorry for hurting her.
  8. ChrisHaven

    ChrisHaven Member

    You are going through a divorce and dealing with PMO addiction. I doubt you are addicted to chatting online like you ex says. You are probably just looking to reconnect with a woman who actualy cares. This is normal when a relationship falls apart.

    I suggest you chat with multiple women and make an effort to meet them in real life. You instincts will lead you to find all the positive traits in this new woman online, which could lead to you getting hurt emotionally.

    The first thing to do after a breakup is focus on yourself.

    If you are not sure how to meet women in real life online, check out this article:
  9. jim71

    jim71 New Member

    I dont think you're addicted to chatting with women online,since you said that you found that particular girl and only that.However,if you ask me,its wrong to pursue women online,because you just wiring your brain,relationships,happiness and all that with a monitor,with a bunch of pixels.If you really need a girl,or a friend to talk about anything,go outside and find one.Or maybe go find that special girl you met online! Real life > internet life.

    But chatting girls online is kinda dangerous.I relapsed so many times because of that,when I first tried the NoFap thing.I was starting romantic conversations and normal flirting,then dirty talking was my new addiction and Baaam,relapse!

    Anyway,the choice is yours my friend.I'm sure you can meet that girl in real life and tell your ex that you're sorry for hurting her and all that stuff.
  10. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    I think your ex is just trying to mess with your head. Its not very smart to listen to your angry ex's analysis of you - especially when other women are involved in the discussion.

    Talking to 1 person is is normal. I keep in touch with my friends who live far away through chat and there is nothing wrong with that. It is a form of social interaction.

    Of course that you relationship itself (like any) can be healthy or unhealthy. Nothing you say suggests it being unhealthy. In general I would recommend learning to know her in real life too - not only in chat.

    Chat has number of problems:

    1. it can lead you being addicted to being on your computer. Just trying to see if she is online etc. Wasting too much time just doing pointless things. In general I see the fact of being all the time "on call" or checking is potentially a problem. If you have daily routine and somewhat set times when you contact I don't see these issues. Make sure you have other things going on in your life: hobbies, read books, exercise etc. btw. that way you have something to tell her and talk about at the end of the day too.

    2. The thing that goes with addictive behaviors is looking to "up" the last time. With drugs etc. it can be seeking for better high, with porn seeking of novelty - something new. If you start juggling several people and seeking new company then I would make an effort of sincere self judgment.

    3. If you seek a real relationship chat is giving you only a really really small window to the other person. You need to see in real life and take it sort of from the start there. While you might be the best match ever on the messenger it might have fatal flaws in real life. Its better to figure this out (soon) if things look like they are leading to a serious level. If you realize that she is not your life companion you can stay friends but I would set strict limits to how much you keep in touch so you don't let the real life float by.

    And in your situation you need to take it slow regardless. You are vulnerable to all kinds of shit - including being taken advantage of or just messing your head. And I would keep sex chats out of the picture altogether. If she loses interest because of that you know that she was after that - sexual entertainment - and who knows how many other she is playing for her joy. This too is a reason to either see in real life or stay as pen pals (ie. much less committed emotionally and time wise). Also remember she can be someone else than she claims until you see her.

    As far as the poster above who would not consider girl interested unless they sent nudes - I consider anyone who sends nudes to a person who they have not met very careless. The risks involved with other people having your nude pictures are huge. People's careers and lives get destroyed by fucked up people using and spreading such material. This happens.
  11. breath

    breath Active Member

    keep the divorce and everything to do with your soon to be officially ex as completely separate. don't chat publicly use other forms of communicating that are private.. get through the divorce, keep your private life private. it's not a dirty secret, it's not her (your ex's business.)

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