So there I was, doing great. Off the porn for months and having a pretty normal sex life with my wife that I was happy with. Then I relapsed and PMOd which started a downward spiral. And now I'm a mess. So I thought that while I'm in this situation I'm going to document exactly what's wrong with this. Maybe I'll come back and read this before I do it again and remember how bad it can get. Immediately after PMO I kind of feel great though drained. But shortly after I start to get depressed, irritable, and angry. Maybe some of it is the dopamine thing, some of it is fueled by or fuels insecurity. I start to become convinced that my wife isn't attracted to me and doesn't want to have sex with me. Some of it is her general lower libido these days so she doesn't come to me frequently which leaves a lot of time in between for me to go psycho. I may go to work, obsess about this all day in the absence of her presence, then go home and see her and be reminded that this is all in my head when I see how she is with me. Make no mistake, it's all in my head. There's nothing wrong with her. Even her lower libido isn't a problem because she's always responsive when I want sex with her. In 20 years together she's never said not to me. So let's document the list of problems that PMO causes me that aren't ED: 1) Depression. Like real depression. 2) Insecurity in my relationship which is ridiculous. I'm not insecure. 3) Low self esteem (I feel ugly and unwanted.) I may be mediocre 4) Loss of motivation. I just don't want to do anything productive. I just want to wait out the day which just makes it longer, procrastinates so things pile up, and just makes everything worse. 5) Sexual cravings go crazy. I feel like I'm horny constantly and need sex (it's just the PMO thirst.) 6) The only thing that makes me feel better is time (which is painful) or PMO, which makes it even worse. 7) I'm angry and irritable at everyone. I was road raging at nearly everyone on the road today. Clearly the problem is ME and not them. Normally I'm pretty cool about other people in public. 8.) A strange obsession with younger women not wanting me. I'm 45, why would I expect a 20 year old to look at me? I don't. 9) Every female I look at looks like a sex object to me. 10) Obsession with sex. My wife and I have sex one to thee times a week, but I become obsessed with when we'll do it again and have gotten in fights with her about sex frequency. 11) Sexual health. I feel like I'm messing up my dick, future sexual performance, arousal triggers, and sexually exhausting myself so I'm not ready to go for the real thing. It takes me at least 3-4 days to recover before I can really have sex again. It takes at least 10 days for me to feel "sexually normal." What am I missing? All of this is not even including ED. All of the above is solved when I stop. I'm never depressed and I'm pretty solid and stable when it comes to moods and emotions. I'm totally secure in my great relationship. I don't have low self esteem (usually.) I'm motivated and get things done (though I still procrastinate.) Sexual craving (I get horny) only about once every 7-10 days which seems normal and compatible with my wife. I have no desire for porn and don't want to MO unless it has been about two weeks and I might just to get some relief and it's quick, no-frills, and without porn... just a release. I'm not angry or irritable. While young women are cute and sexy, I have no obsession with them sexually. I don't obsess about the next time we'll have sex. And my health is better. I feel more energetic, I feel healthier. I feel like PMO depletes my body of precious resources and I'm not as healthy. And my dick hangs better. When I get horny I feel like a stud with a powerful tool between my legs, not the way it feels on PMO. So today I reset the counter. I feel like crap today and I'm trying to not get pissed off at anyone including my wife. She started her period yesterday which will allow me to take a good minim week long break which should help. I'm not fretting. I've been here before and I'll get through this just fine. I just hate the way I feel today and now is the best time to write it down.