Age 30 - Recovery Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by AdrianSanMiguel, Dec 14, 2020.

  1. AdrianSanMiguel

    AdrianSanMiguel New Member

    Hi everyone, I am an old member of this forum who went by a different username back in the day (5 years ago!)

    It is quite depressing to read the entries in my old journal and realize I have made negligible progress in most key areas of my life. If anything, I have gotten more neurotic and despicable. Become someone of poor character.

    Time has passed me by and I have stagnated, living the same life every day being stuck in a rat race not knowing why I do the job I do. I have been in the wrong career since day 1. I want to quit my job but I am incredibly scared of what lies ahead. And yet quit I must because I am in a bad situation where the only real solution is to move on.

    I have wasted my 20s without taking much action and trying enough stuff out. I feel brain dead.

    The only thing I have going for me is my daily commitment to exercise.

    I'm fairly sure PMO is the manifestation of deeper issues in my life, such as childhood trauma, bullying, emotional neglect and abuse. However I am yet to seek counseling. There is one memory of a trauma which has suddenly surfaced into my field of awareness a few months ago and it is causing me a lot of stress.

    I hope to be regular in my postings here.

    Cheers, and best wishes to anyone reading this.
     
  2. AdrianSanMiguel

    AdrianSanMiguel New Member

    Oh no. Relapsed.

    Over the years, the frequency of my use has slightly reduced. I'm not a compulsive 1-PMO-per day type person but my tastes have evolved / escalated and become more fetish based to play on my reality / limitations / weaknesses, which is worrying.

    I feel trapped and broken.

    EDIT: There have been a few more PMO's this past week between my entries.
     
  3. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear about the relapse. Is there a way for you to avoid access to the material? Setting up a DNS like cleanbrowsing or openDNS family shield can be a great help.

    When you drastically reduce the chance of falling in this behavior, you can work on yourself. Finding a good counselor and/or accountability partner is well worth it.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey, welcome back to the forum.

    Yes, I think I am the same.

    It's hard, at times, to see the line between past trauma and where I can take responsibility for myself from here on. I've certainly made bad choices in my life but in the same time I often think I did that because of older trauma (abuse) and also lack of guidance (neglect). But there comes a times when maybe we can slowly gain more and more and more control over our destiny and stop repeating the bad choices.

    I hope you find a way to have self compassion for yourself and practice self care. I also encourage you, if you can and feel like giving it a shot, to look into therapy.

    Hope to see some more postings from you ! A relapse happens but you got to keep going !
     
  5. AdrianSanMiguel

    AdrianSanMiguel New Member

    Day 11

    Thrilled to report that, after what feels like forever, I have crossed the 1-week mark.

    A lot of it has to do with the fact that I was traveling for a week, which broke up my routine.

    Currently in this strange moment in my overall NoFap journey where it appears I have achieved some kind of big breakthrough. This could be it. Fingers crossed.

    I hope this is not a false dawn, because anything can happen down the road. The longest streak I have managed is about 21 days cold turkey, that too years ago.

    Two parting thoughts:
    1. NoFap alone will not change much. We have to use it as a catalyst to do what we are avoiding / unwilling to confront. This can be as simple as making a daily plan, journaling, dietary changes etc. There are some realities in my life that I have yet to face up to. I hope NoFap provides me with the energy and motivation to finally face them.
    2. The effects of NoFap are real (nothing new, just re-emphasizing). My contrast in my mind state now vs when I was regularly flogging the dolphin, is palpable.

    Many thanks for checking in on my journal, TheLongWayHome27 and BoughtWithBlood. Best wishes on your respective journeys.

    I hope this post offers some motivation to anyone reading this.

    Cheers
     

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