Age 25 - After 7 Years Of Trying To Quit, I'm Back To Fight This And Finally Be Free

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Youngfella, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Well... I'm back. Went away for a few years since wasn't really into this anymore but now I'm just sick of it and try to use every tool I can to quit. The reason I'm back is journaling and support/advice/help from others. That's it. And I try to help others too. Things are going better, graduating this year so my life has gone forward. But want to get rid of this shit. I don't underestimate it but neither myself and my resolve to quit. Like the category text in "Age 25-29" says, "You have watched enough already." Yep. I'm so over and tired of this shit, but gotta stay humble and patient, my day will arrive, I know it.

    The guys who remember me, let's fight against this together again (still, sorry to see that you're still here since we all want to leave this place eventually and go on living our lives freely, right?). To newcomers, hopefully you can get some advice from my posts. I think I know pretty well at least what doesn't work and I believe you won't want to end up like me (trying to quit after 7 years since I started this in 2013).

    More update and advices in the posts to come but just want to get this out in here now. And let's make this clear: porn (especially internet videos) is the sole problem, not masturbation, orgasms or sex. So porn is what I'm trying to quit. No nofap but pornfree. I've noticed that that before, I just masturbate for a few days but it becomes boring and eventually, it gets back to porn. If masturbation and orgasms were "enough", there would be no need for porn. But what is "porn"? Imagination cannot put viruses on your computer. Besides, it's more about the searching part than seeing actually. Don't search (on internet) of nude pictures and sex videos. Pop ups happen but just close them, you weren't looking for them precisely so it's okay. Besides, you can't fool yourself what your intentions were. But about the counter, I delete it if I watch porn/nude pics, masturbate and orgasm at the same time. Something like that. It's difficult to put into words exactly, but I know for a fact when I've relapsed. Let's just hope that doesn't happen ever again so don't have to think about it.

    If you're going to say "dude, go talk to someone in real life, seriously", don't. I get it but don't.
    Because I won't do that. I have this deeply ingrained feeling inside me that this is my fight to win. This is really personal for me. Telling someone (internet forum is kind of telling someone but I still dont consider it the same as telling someone in real life), I would forever take it as giving up. And I'm not going to give up. Maybe I waste my time, you might say, but this is my choice. I will beat this fucker and take the credit someday in the future on a glorious day that I thoroughly deserve. All of this shit will be a lifelong lesson and quitting will be the cherry on the top of it.

    I'm just trying to use all the tools I've got and gathered in these years and do the things that work and avoid the things that doesn't.

    Gotta put up a counter in a couple of days (I also have a spreadsheet in excel on my computer which is my 1st tip to newcomers, USE A SPREADSHEET. Counter motivates you but spreadsheet makes you see the bigger picture. Trust me on this. Everyone wants to quit this at their first take. And many guys are still here. DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THIS. Spreadsheet makes you see progress 10 times better in the long run if it is a long run. Believe me, you wish you had started).

    What is considered "I have quit this?." Don't know but I know I'm not watching today. That's it.

    18PM 1/10/20, is the starting point. Goal is counter clean till 1/2/2020 (I don't count the days, counter does that for me). Then I put up a new goal. When I have quit this for good? Don't know but I know I'm not watching today.

    If you want to see someone's journal towards finally quitting this after 7 years of trying, stay tuned. Because hopefully I'm the only guy on this forum who is at that point. How I'm different this time? This time I won't do this for the benefits or the girls. If they happen, they're bonuses. I'm doing this for me. Just for me. This journal is to show as a proof that even after all this time (7 years), it's still possible to quit, there's still hope. I still have this same feeling, like I did in 2013, that life would be better without it. It's exactly the same feeling, haven't changed a bit. If I need a reason to quit, that's my reason. Because I want a better life. That feeling is my "Why?".

    Let's go.

    Hard Days (the days that really make the difference & to show me that they don't last)

    Day 8.
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2020
    Bestrongnopmo and UK Don like this.
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey Youngfella,

    greetings from another guy who is trying to quit for 7 years now (I started when I was as old as you are now). Good luck on your journey!
    Youngfella likes this.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hi Youngfella,

    Welcome back. I do remember the times you were on her. The monthly contests and what not.
    How old are you now?

    Two things I like to react to in your opening post:

    But it can sure spoil your mind. Fantasy is likely a large contributor to your addiction as it is/was to mine.

    This seems like a whole lot of pride.
    It might be 'your fight to win', but who's to say you won't need any help from outside with it.
    I'll be the first to tell you, you definitely will need help from the outside. I'm not saying you'll need therapy, but without the aid of God you won't ever truly overcome lust.

    I try to put it with sympathy, cause this attitude reminds me a lot of my own. The whole being hellbent on doing it your way and taking pride in the pain. But let me say the following to conclude this post: "It won't be in any way less your fight if you share your problems with someone personally. You still have to do the beating."
    Youngfella likes this.
  4. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    DAY 1

    I started at 18PM yesterday but consider today as the first day. Counting days is just a tool to keep me accountable. The brain heals itself (or returns dopamine baseline levels to normal, however you want to say it) but it doesn't happen in one day. There's no magical number but I bet your brain is in a better place after 100 days than just 1. I won't probably update every single day but when I update I update, no rules there. Probably more in the beginning than later on.

    Anyway, when I write, I try to be as honest as possible of what occurs during my day. And I write what I remember, not everything, the important stuff usually comes to mind on itself. What matters is what happens during the day (events, thoughts, emotions, actions, etc.), not why it happens or when it happened. Because who knows if the differences are really real or just inside my head (placebo) but what happens is 100% factual so that's what I'm focusing on. Because if the stuff that happens from now on is getting better and better, then I know I'm on the right path.

    Later on I can reflect that did anything change or did everything stay the same or actually got even worse. Who knows, only time will tell. So in a way, every day counts because everyday tells a story. I have to be truly honest, no sugarcoating, so that I can trust my past self that what I wrote actually happened. And I have to be realistic about what happens and not either over- or underexaggerate. I think my approach towards this is now more mature, patient and vigilant. I know what to expect. I know what works and doesn't. My 2nd tip: if you got drunk last night (I did) and stayed the night at your friend's place, stay there as long as possible during the next day. Hangover is probably my worst relapse trigger but it's impossible to relapse if you're with a friend. Whether it's escaping or cheating or whatever, it works and that's all that matters.

    Haven't MO'ed either today. I'm not keeping a count on it (being pornfree is the goal, not nofap) but I know that going a few days without it definitely affects my mood (and horniness) so I have to take it into account. It's an affecting factor.

    Today has been surprisingly easy although I had a little of hangover but I followed my own tip and the worst part went smoothly playing video games with my friend. Few times checking my IG feed but nothing more, no urges. Now at home and checking out this site since there's a lot of new content. I am looking forward towards this journey. It feels good to take this thing seriously again and I already feel this journaling is helping a lot. It's a place to put my thoughts about this whole thing since the people here share the same experiences and can relate. Some say the 1st day is the hardest but for me it has usually been the days 3-6 or something like that. Let's see what happens during those days. But so far so good.

    Hey, -Luke- and thanks, good luck on your journey too! It seems we're on the same boat then. Let's do this, we've watched enough (and it never satisfied, did it?).

    Hi, Joost and thanks man, nice to hear I'm not totally forgotten. I'm 25 now.

    Yeah, I know, it was just a joke mostly (still true though). And yeah, I try not to think about porn scenes when I'm MOing but just real girls I know, have been with before or would be possible to be with. Real girls who I know in my real life. Fortunately these scenarios usually naturally end with thinking about real girls so I take that as a good sign for what I really want. But even that gets boring so that reduces MOing in time. Thinking about ex's and what you did with them in the past isn't probably the best way in a long run. Better to think about potential new ones. Past is gone. Present and future are where it's at.

    I do get help, this forum and other people's advice helps me and success stories inspire me. About God, religion isn't really a part of my life, I consider myself to be an agnostic so I can't depend on God's aid because I don't believe in a deity but can't say for a fact either that it doesn't/can't exist. Intuition is my guide (it always seems to be right for some reason so why not). About lust, I haven't really thought about it but I don't consider it to be a problem for me. Maybe I return to this subject later on but now it's not an issue.

    I know you mean well and yes, it is a pride thing. It seems you're a religious person? Lust, pride, 7 deathly sins. I know them, but to me they don't count that much. I consider myself mostly to be a good guy and that's enough for me. Still, gotta say that last quote is really something. I've thought about it that yes, if I told someone, it probably would make this easier but I would still have to do the fighting, even though I had more help now. But I'm confident that I can actually do this on my own and that the outcome of doing this on my own is a better one in the long run.

    Someone said it nicely on this forum: "Easy days take care of themselves." It's true. Hard days are where it's at, where the real changes happen during this journey. Everyday is a potential hard day. But also a potential easy day. You could also use the terms "effortless and effort". Some days go without noticing. Some days you have to fight for the whole day and night. It's all a part of the process. Easy day, Hard day, doesn't matter, go through them. The Good Days are coming.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
  5. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    DAY 2

    Before, I only "allowed" myself to write at the end of the day, once the day was done so for to speak. Well that was stupid. Now I write when I feel like it, probably usually a couple of times during the day (still keeping all the stuff from the day on the same post). Also the text is more accurate when written in the moment, not later on when trying to recall from memory at what happened. Right now, I'm cheerfully excited and have lots of anticipation towards this journey, can't wait for what kind of posts I'll be writing on days 25, 40, 60, 90 etc. I look forward to them. But I also know that today has to be earned. I'm also not just waiting the days go by. I do my work on the present day on other parts of my life (fighting this takes a certain toll on my energy but I do what I can) and enjoy my free time. But I know that the brain changes only happen after a significant time has passed. That's why I'm waiting for those big number days. Also to feel something new. I've been on day 2 many times, this isn't anything new. But still day 2 has to be earned to move towards day 3. It seems today will also be an easy day. During hard days, I can almost feel from the beginning of the day of something being "wrong". And then later on it's either a fight or a relapse. But so far so good.

    This is something that usually happens too. Once I get the ball rolling with this, I start to think about doing other life chances too. About health, productivity, social life etc. But once I'm excited about one thing (pornfree), I want to do all the other stuff immediately too. I want to do all but it feels overwhelming and I don't know where to start. Now, this journal is my number 1 focus. Some here say that being on this site a lot is not a good thing, that it's just replacing a habit with another and that you're keeping the thing your trying to quit in your mind. It's true in some ways but not entirely. (writing/reading stuff on YBR doesn't create addictional changes in your brains) Everyone can agree that the first days/weeks are probably the hardest. Why not have all the support as possible if that helps you? Every "clean" day is a win, no matter how you gain it. Relapse is a loss, you can't sugarcoat it. It's not an "end of the world" but it never should be treated as like "it's okay, don't think about it, just move on". Then the guy moves on and later on relapses again. What's that good for? If you could click a button that would make you never relapse again, you would push it.

    You can't just decide to move on in your life, do other things and stuff and just forgetting this. That's underestimating this. You don't go to a AA-meeting and the first thing the instructor says: make a vision of your life and go live it, now, don't come back here and don't think about your addiction. Do you believe those people would drop alcohol just like that after that? It's like saying "stop whining, this is not that serious of a problem, get your shit together." If you feel it's a problem to you and you aren't able to stop it, it is a problem. If you could just think your urges a way, addictions wouldn't exist.

    Counting days yourself is probably not a good thing but having a counter(+spreadsheet) is useful (and once you have good amount of days under your belt, the counter becomes a reason in itself not to relapse and a confidence boost). Who would you rather be? The guy who's gone a year without a relapse or the guy who relapses every 30 days? I would think, what makes this guy relapse every 30 days? It's obviously a cycle. There's a reason why there's a lot of 0-30 day counters and the other ones are 100+. Not many in between ones. Because in the first 30 days, probably first 15 days, you'll face a big time urge(s), the one that made you relapse so many times before. Once you beat that and go beyond, you somehow did it. You did something differently this time. Whether it was a different action or mindset, doesn't matter, you did it. And now you know that it works, the way you did it. So you can use it again. What could make you relapse after it? An even worse urge? Just do your thing again, modify it a little and you probably should be able to get through it. People have done it, this site proofs it. It's not impossible.

    But then you might say: "Well, what if this 30 day- cycle guy improves his life all the time while the 365 day guy just abstains?" Well, 2 things are for sure. One, they both do something with all that time. Two, the 365 guy doesn't give in to his urges, 30 day guy does. If you could read their journals, which one's journal would you read? Yeah, me too. 365 guy is free, the 30 day- cycle is not. 365 has knowledge and proof that he is free of this thing because I think a year is an enough time to face and counter every kind of urges that could get you relapsed. Also it proves that his reason/motivation to quit was actually legit, not just a flavor of the month kind of thing. Also, brain neurons that fire together wire together. His brain and dopamine levels are in much better shape. 365 days is a proof that you are stronger than your urges. Probably after that you don't need a counter, this site, or anything. But 30 day- cycle guy definitely does. If a guy would have everything together in his life but took heroin every 30 days (even though he would want to quit that), would you say he's totally okay or free? Heroin and porn are not the same thing but the point is the same. Something makes him give in even though he doesn't want to give in. He's not in control and definitely not free. I wouldn't want to be that guy.

    My 3rd tip is, if you think focusing all your energy towards this for some time is the way to go, you do that. You decide what success means to you. I write a lot now in the beginning but I'm predicting that it will reduce a lot along the way. I could be wrong but only time tells. I don't see it as a problem, this is more like doing the groundwork and "beginners" excitement/interest. Once you're free of this and you can handle your urges everytime, you're free for the rest of your life. Free to do everything else you want to do, with not an addiction dragging you along the way.

    I don't know where this rant came from. Just gotta accept that people have different attitudes towards approaching how this recovery should be handled. I think the ultimate goal is mutual at least: living your life (without porn) (if you consider it to be a problem/addiction, which seems you do since you're on this forum). But it can be discouraging and confusing when people say contradicting things and giving advice that what you should do. My take is this: Clean day, you're doing something right, no matter how you did it. Relapse day, something's not right, fix it. Do your thing, add whats useful, dispose what's not and eventually you're free.

    (I'm using "days" as a way of counting time, but you could use seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months, years, doesn't matter, whatever works for you, use it. Days work for me so that's why I use them).

    It sucks I'm just at day 2. Frustrated, irritated and anxious for days to add up, quickly. Once I get to like 25 days (which would be my streak record, pathetic I know, but it is what it is), then this road really starts since it's a road I've never been on. I haven't been over 10 days in a long time so that's a closer goal for now. I have to earn the days before that but still sucks. It's been easy, just don't know what to do atm. Maybe watching some series on Netflix. A bit anxious of going to work practise tomorrow. Lots of school stuff for the upcoming months, more than I've ever faced. I know I can handle them but still a bit anxious for knowing that a lot of free time is used on that stuff. And still dealing with this at the same time. Anxious to do something but just laying on my bed, watching Youtube videos. Some idea pops up but if its not good enough for the instant effort, I just continue watching video, also while my thoughts wander. Some stuff I'll do later but not now.

    Things that are good for brains health (these are from a Ted- video). We're basically our brains so what's good for my brain is good for me:
    + social connections
    + new learning
    + great diet
    + sleep
    + exercise
    + physical healthy
    + healthy anxiety
    + meditation
    + gratitude
    + ANT killing (?)

    I'll focus on meditation, gratitude and sleep from early one because they're the easy ones. I've underestimated gratitude, but apparently it makes wonders in just 3 weeks or something. 3 things everyday. For example: I don't have any diseases, I get to sleep in a really comfy bed tonight and I didn't get my ex pregnant (so relieved about this everytime I think about it). So my life could be worse, absolutely. It does give you a better mood instantly.

    Bad for your brains health:
    - brain injuries (duh)
    - drugs & alcohol (never have done drugs, alcohol is just a social thing for me, its fine)
    - obesity (this actually might motivate me to lose some extra pounds)
    (apparently, when weight goes up, brain size goes down. You don't want that)
    - smoking (don't smoke and will stop "party smoking" also)
    - high blood pressure
    - diabetes
    - SAD diet
    - environmental toxins (not in my control but luckily my country's air is clean)
    - lack of exercise
    - ANTs (?)

    With these, I focus on losing weight and then how to maintain it, thats a big project, start measuring blood pressure again and increase exercise.

    Luckily, brain is plastic, so it can be changed for the better, no matter what age. And I'm still young so I have that advantage with me too.

    All of this writing from my mind/thoughts in just 1 day. Maybe I should become a writer. And I mostly write for myself so it's okay if you didn't read the whole thing or nothing at all. Will be interesting to reflect on this after I'm much farther on my streak.

    In the evening, appetite is on overdrive, I just want to eat everything on my fridge. Tastes real good too. Watching The Irishman and it's magnificent. Enjoying a great movie is one of the big pleasures in life. Waiting also for that big productivity boost once my brain figures out that it has to put this extra energy into something.

    First flashbacks, just came from nowhere. Before, I would've been mad to have these kind of thoughts. But know I understand that it's not in my control what thoughts pop up into my head and biologically speaking, it means my brain is in good "shape" from a evolutionary perspective since it wants to reproduce (it sees porn as a fertile mate, subconscious which is the stronger one, doesn't know the difference between real and artificial). It's a natural human response. Looking at this from a 3rd person point-of-view. But like any thoughts, these will pass too (and new ones come). And eventually, my brain will get the hint, that these kind of thoughts don't lead to anything so it reduces/weakens/drops them. Neurons that fire together wire together. Neurons that don't fire together, are weakened and eventually perish. I'm not my thoughts, I'm not a slave to my thoughts. Just have to focus my attention now on to other things. I haven't done anything "wrong" because I can't control occuring thoughts, it's like driving a highway and seeing a highway sign board. You didn't put it there but you still saw it and now for a while, the sign is on your mind. Would you blame yourself for that sign? No. It's annoying that you had to see it but it's not your fault. Your thoughts don't matter, your actions do. And my actions are clean.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
    UK Don likes this.
  6. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    DAY 3

    P- related dreams first time on this journey. It was really urging in the dream but not at all once I woke up. Can't control what happens in my dreams so it's okay. MO'ed while in the shower (also MO'ed before going to sleep tonight), thought about my ex's, sexual stuff we did. For now, it's fine. It reminds me of what to look forward to, meeting someone new, it's an exciting thought. And remembering/imagining myself having sex puts me on the one as the active part, not as the viewer wishing to be the one with the action. I feel confident and good when thinking about it. It's also my natural sexuality that is then turning me on, not a choreographed scene.

    If you're looking for a journal of a nofap journey, this isn't probably really useful for you since my approach is pornfree, not nofap. For now, it's all about quitting porn. Maybe I do a nofap- challenge somewhere in the future, who knows, but not anytime soon. Porn causes harmful brain changes, not masturbation. I mean, I did it like in a few minutes while in the shower. In the past a porn session could have last for hours sometimes (edging). Which one seems more problematic for you? If nothing else, I save time. And also those hours go to more productive actions since porn is zero productive. You don't learn anything from it. It doesn't enhance other parts of your life or your life as a whole at all. At least this writing improves my writing skills, english, reflection of my thoughts, coming up with new ideas etc.

    Now off to work practise. This should be an easy day also since coming home late and pretty soon going to sleep after that. Thinking about yesterday, I think writing that big ass post (little by little, not all at once), really helped me. Without it, it probably wouldn't have been an easy day, not hard but definitely not easy. Time was dragging along and sundays are always a bit stressful the nearer the evening comes since work week is starting tomorrow. This is just a place for me to dumb my thoughts about this and it seems to work.

    Not crazy hungry in the evening like yesterday, I bet it had something to do with dopamine withdrawals. The thought of being just in day 3 still sucks. Impatience I know but jeez. Didn't have motivation/energy at work today to put extra effort or be social. Pretty much the bare minimum today. Still waiting for that productivity boost.

    2/1/2020 clean till then is the current goal. After accomplishing that, I celebrate that day, have to figure out how I reward myself, luckily it's saturday. And after that day, I put up my next target.

    (CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR A MOVIE) Watching a movie again tonight, Marriage Story this time. Has had great reviews and a potential best picture for Oscar's. Scarlett Johansson is a gorgeous woman and likeable/respectful actress and Adam Driver is one of my current favorites. He was the best thing about the sequel trilogy. After watching this, holy fuck this made me fucking mad! And depressed. It's heart-breaking. I don't live in USA (THANK GOD!) but who the fuck gets married there anymore these days? Millionaires I bet but what about the regular folk that is the 99% majority of the people? How the fuck you get married when you can get divorce raped like that? Jesus. Just turns good people into monsters. I guess there's a silver lining in this also. People MUST find a partner for the real reasons or there's always a shitstorm just around the corner for the rest of your life. Or you don't get married. Just one of the many reasons why people marry and have kids later on. If at all. But I give it to this movie, it has balls and feels real and raw. A some of a spoiler about the movie but maybe it's because I'm a guy, don't know, but I'm totally on Driver's characters side on this movie. I don't know does the movie try to make their stances equal but I just feel much more sympathy towards Driver. His arguments are better and he's the mature one. And Jesus fucking Christ what an amazing actor he is. Johansson too but my god, that's what an actor should be like. Make you feel that the character is real. And THAT scene. THAT scene. Holy... Shit. Finally there's a fucking man in Hollywood who shows what it feels like to be a man nowadays, with 100% accuracy.

    Atm, excited for my journey. This is a good feeling, I like this.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
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  7. Guts

    Guts Active Member Staff Member

    Fuck, your avatar reminds me how much its gonna suck to not play ff7 remake.....Tifa is too triggering to me :(
  8. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Shit, didn't think of that actually, true. :D But still gotta play it. And I would advice for you too, I mean, you're on 426 days, you can control yourself.
    Guts likes this.
  9. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    DAY 4

    Woke up a bit sick. Have had a cough for a few days but it seems to be getting worse, dafuq? Annoying af, I'm rarely sick. Tired also, didn't sleep well because of this damn cough. Well, to work again today still, similar day than yesterday, should be quite easy. Pretty much zero motivation but gotta do what I gotta do, this cough isn't helping though. Going to see my friend after work. Actually looking forward to that more than just getting back home.

    21-24 days, not quite sure what day but during those days, I've eventually relapsed. Haven't gotten further. Addicted or not, I haven't gone a whole month clean. Now that's gonna change. And on day 25, I have proof that things are different this time. Mostly proof to myself, the part of me that doubts me "you'll relapse eventually, just like you always had, don't know when but when it happens, you don't see it coming". Well fuck that voice. He's not in charge anymore, I am. Being on day 4, it's a bit better but just waiting for those numbers to rack up quickly.

    Back home, it seems I'm getting sick, hopefully a lot of sleep could solve this a bit since I don't want to miss work practise day tomorrow or I have to do extra hours later. Btw, this is the first time since like October that I don't do any kind of physical exercise, usually just pushups (but it has given me some results already with little effort). I promised I wouldn't only workout if I was sick. And now I am. It's been a long time. This feels a deserved break. Health before anything else. Easy day again, but gotta tell you, I felt more assertive throughout the day and it showed in my actions and while speaking. That felt good. Natural confidence. I hope this feeling continues. It's like "It is what it is, let's get this done, no bullshit."

    But one thing is for sure. Number 1 way to say that something has really actually changed is when someone else says something like "what happened to you, you've changed, etc." Waiting for that to happen.

    I have this positive feeling constantly now that I can actually pull this off now. I'm driven. One day at a time since everyday has to be earned and today I earned day 4. Just looking to the future already that if (no, when) this ultimately is a successful journey, I will use this "all in" strategy for other things too and ONLY 1 THING AT A TIME. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. First things first.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2020
    UK Don likes this.
  10. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    DAY 5

    Still feeling sick, hopefully this passes soon since I don't have motivation to do anything while being sick.

    While going to work by bus, my mind went to some really depressing/dark thoughts and this has happened before on my streaks (before relapse). Sometimes these thoughts made me relapse. But I actually noticed something. That "period" of dark thoughts lasted about 20 minutes and then my mind went to other things. I couldn't do anything since I was sitting on a bus so I just had to take it in. And it went away and I went on with my day. Thoughts can say everything for you to do what they want but your actions always have the final word. You can do what you think BUT you can also do what you don't think about doing/not doing. Or that thoughts are nothing without action but action doesn't need thoughts to happen.

    Some notes during the day:

    * Why do things sooner than later = so things suck less and for a shorter time and that you can eliminate other/more things faster that suck. Let's put it this way. You have 3 deadlines 1 month away. That's 30 days. 1 task takes 1 day to finish. These are stressful tasks but you're competent enough to finish 1 in 1 day. So what you do? If you procrastinate, you probably do all of them in the last 3 days so first 27 days, you're free. Well, what if you do them immediately? Then you have 27 days left free after finishing them. But there's 3 big catches.

    1) If you do the tasks in the last days, you're free the 27 first days BUT you carry the stress of knowing that you have to do those tasks. So you aren't completely free. Your mind isn't at least. If you do them immediately, your mind is completely free from worry for 27 days (about these tasks, not life in general).

    2) You have lots of extra time if the tasks take more than 1 day. If this matters to you, your tasks are also done much more better since you're not in a hurry.

    3) Let's say during day 9, 18 and 26 you're assigned with extra 1 more dask each day but their deadlines are 2 months away. So that's 6 tasks as a whole. And now, you get more done in 1 month and have the next month absolutely free.

    Facing the task is an unavoidable stressful situation so it doesn't matter since it's the same in both. But you can reduce the whole amount of stress if you do the tasks as fast as possible. Besides, doing them early actually makes those situations less stressful because actually you have more time if it takes longer than you thought.

    You could say "it's not about me being productive, it's about me reducing unnecessary stress because who wants pointless stress?".

    This sounds great and I probably should do this but I'm no machine, but it's good to keep this kind of thing on your mind.

    Then I thought about the past. I should forget it because I can't go back, I can't change what I did. I also don't have that much to "learn from the past" either so just let it there. Does it really matter why I did or didn't do something? It's done. It's gone. Nothing can be done. Nothing can be changed. I can only DO what I can do in the present and in the time's to still come. These 2 I should be concentrating ONLY. Things are now as they are and I have to go by it. I have to adapt to the current circumstances. And I have to focus on facts. Truth is subjective and collectivist. Facts are correct. Sun is a star. Earth is a planet. I am a human being and a male. Etc.

    Warning, this might be triggering so don't read if you probably don't want urges now. I have this thought that "think about all the new scenes you're missing." Well, I have a few counters for this. I actually thought about this now. Sacrifice. There must be one. My past proves me that I can't live and watch porn at the same time without the porn part going overboard, I can't control it. It strongly seems that way so let's at least pretend that I can't control it, that my only way to live an optimal as possible good life is to cut it out 100%. You can't get time back. You can't get a wasted life back. If you want life, you gotta take it, now. No excuses or whining. So what's it gonna be? Sacrifice new porn scenes or sacrifice now and upcoming life experiences and to feel them in the best way possible, whatever they are? Fuck porn, best experiences of my life haven't been with porn anyway so fuck porn for desensitizing my brain, seriously, fuck it. Life is and has the potential to be better and that's what I choose, new scenes are the "sacrifice". Fuck that.

    My life may not be what I want it to be right now but it can be that in the future, like a year from now. So before that happiness arrives, I'm gonna work so that when that happiness comes, I'll be ready and on my best to enjoy it in the best way I can. If I ever meet someone new, who I actually really like, I want her to get the best version of me. And sex feels so amazing even after a few days of abstinence. Can't imagine what it will be like after a year when my dopamine levels are on normal state, my sensitivity is back in my body, erections are effortless and 100%... gonna be so amazing, so excited for when that happens again.

    Earned this day and moving on to tomorrow. Going to a gig this Friday. Gonna be cool!

    yearofchange said this in someone's journal (are you still on this forum btw buddy?), amazingly put, especially the bolded line:
    Commit to consciousness then. Commit to the decision and go full everything you have behind it. Get set on doing what.ever. it takes to break free. Whether that be exercise to deal with energy, hobby to occupy your time and free creative energy, or talking to girls and getting laid to fill the romatic sexual need in you. Put all you have behind what you want to do, because honestly what do you have to lose. Comfort? You have to choose whether you want comfort, or what your ideal life is. And then live with whatever sacrifices that choice comes with. If it's comfort that's fine, but then you don't have a right to be upset at pmo-ing every 2-3 days, because you chose that life. If otherwise you choose the other option, then understand you have no right to watch p ever again. Not in moments of strength, not in moments of weakness, not in moments of boredom, not in moments of chaser effect, not any time, ever again in your life. You need to make this decision, and accept whatever path you go on, understanding that if you don't decide to make a choice you've already decided.
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2020
  11. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    DAY 6

    Feeling a little better, hopefully this flu ends at least at Friday. MO'ed this morning after a sexual dream (I was the active part again, from my point of view, good) and it was a girl I know in my life who's also single. This is where my focus should go. To the girls who I know NOW in my life and who are single. That's where the focus should be.

    Did a task today that I could've done already at least in last november. All of that unnecessary stress (like over 1500+ hours), no matter how little, it builds up. So stupid. But it's in the past. Going to focus that those kind of things don't happen again in the present and in the future. And comparing myself to my previous best (from a reasonable time period, like I can't do some things I did 10 years ago when I was 15), not an ideal of myself (since that freezes me). Freezing is the fucking worst.

    Since focus seems to be the word of the day, I should start meditating again since that strengthens focus.

    Having this good, get-going vibes, effortless energy, really liking this, like being on a flow constantly. Definitely on the right path. This day was easy too but still earned it.
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2020
  12. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    DAY 8

    So at day 7, I didn't even write at all. Those are the best kind of days. In the long run too since that's the goal, to just live your life.

    Last night after I got back home and this morning though, I would say these were the times I was the most close to slip. And I mean slip. Since that's what it felt like. I was in a good mood last night, like life seemed to go well. And then the urges came. It was not like "I MUST WATCH" but like "why not?". I was in a good mood, why not enhance it? If I can be having a good time, porn isn't really the problem is it? That's rationalization. And it could have happened so fast. Few searches and boom, you're there again. And really felt like that. Just this one time to enhance my fun for a bit and I go on with my day. But I wouldn't. I would be again on day 0. And what would stop me now from relapsing again since I already did? In a way, feeling good is also a trigger. Because it makes porn seem like it isn't that big of a deal after all. But it is. 8 days ago I quit it, feel good and now I would bring it back? Going back to my old ways? Nope.

    I would say I've gone over another obstacle. But still, gotta say, saying "no" hurt a bit. This is a sacrifice. Because the truth is, I could have enhanced my fun for a hour or two, but I know I would have felt like absolute shit afterwards. Maybe this is the endgame. That relapsing is just too painful/depressing that avoiding that pain triumphs the pleasure of it. And btw, knowing what day I'm on/counting days, really helped. If I was on day 1-2, I would've probably relapsed. But now I'm so far (on my terms), I just don't want to go back, I don't want to do this all work again.

    And besides, THIS is what this journey's about. The moments you say "no" to porn and "YES" to life. Not days. But days are proof of where you are now and how likely your brain's dopamine levels are closer to normal. And more days means more situations where you were encountered with urges and had the strenght to say no, every time. That is what changes you. THIS is why going for a long streak is important. Let's say the infamous 90 days. If you go 90 days without a single struggle, then you really didn't have a problem anyway and know you have proof of it (but it still does good for your brain dopamine level baselines). But if it's the other way, that those 90 days are a struggle, you did have a problem. And you conquered it! You're not the same person you were 90 days ago. You are better. It's a win-win situation.

    And being on day 8, it feels nice but not satisfied, waiting to get to two digits. Still anxious to break my record (23-24 days) and REALLY move to an unknown path from day 25. That is what I'm really excited about, can't wait but waiting patiently, earning this day, doing the grind, that ENHANCES this experience and will make the accomplishment really feel like an accomplishment and something worth while.

    Alright, in the evening, now for the first time, the urges are hitting hard. Occupying my mind of what I would search if I let myself go. They just come from nowhere. And I have this particular feeling, that I've had many times before, that is it today that I watch? I don't want to but does it? This feeling turned this day into a hard day. First hard day of this journey. I just have to occupy myself to other tasks for today, distract myself. Let's see if the feeling is different tomorrow. I won't go to my room alone, that's for sure. Be around people, even if I didn't want to.

    Sex and porn are not the same. Even if I could get sex every day, I would still have urges for porn. Porn is quicker and easier, you can get it instantly whenever you want (sex, nope), more novelty and doesn't require anyone else. It's all about you. No performance anxiety and it's physically easier, sex can be exhausting physically. And you could watch porn for the rest of your life, everyday, but that same won't happen with sex. So sex can't be your reason to quit, they're not comparable at all, not even in the same league. The reason must be stronger than that, stronger than just attracting girls. Love? Maybe. Haven't loved romantically anyone for a long time so can't say atm. Better reason than sex at least. Love and sex? Probably the best combination. Biggest reason I can think of is having your own family, your own children. But that's like, so many years ahead from me. And at the moment, I don't even know if it's worth it. I would love my children, I know it but I don't want to marry someone to just get kids, I want to marry someone I actually want, love, whatever. Like the best person I know and want to live with. So my reason has to be something other than that, something that affects my life right now. I have to find a reason to do it just for myself. Quitting has to be valuable in itself (intrinsic value), not just a way to achieve a particular end (instrumental value).

    Do I want to quit this? Never again? For what? Doing it for possible future love and family would be an instrumental value, that quitting would help me achieve those things, not that quitting itself was valuable. It's almost like I couldn't achieve those things if I kept watching. And love and family and kids shouldn't be an achievement. It should be two people who genuinely like each other, who want to be with each other as much as possible so they live together and then have children of their own. It's like I hang with my friends because I like them and I never consider it to be an achievement, it's a natural thing. Love/relationship should be the same. Relationship is no different than that the other person is a girl (because I'm heterosexual) who I also find attractive and want to do sexual things (I don't want to do sexual things with my guy friends) with her since that is pleasurable for both of us and makes as connect better and makes us happier. And she also wants the same from me. It's an activity that I can only do with her and she with me. And we can possibly have children together because we're male and female. That's it. Otherwise it's basically like a friendship. Optimally, I would consider her to be my best friend and me to be hers too. Freedom? Quitting doesn't make you 100% free because you're not free to watch this anymore.

    I feel like a hypocrite for my previous words, how I say never again and fuck it and now I'm just an inch away from doing it all over again. That shows the power of words. But also it shows the power of this possible addiction. It simply doesn't care what you say, it comes at you anyway. But I'm still clean with my actions even though my mind and thoughts aren't. Fortunately, only actions count in the end. I'm just pushing through this and waiting to see how I feel tomorrow.

    A moment of hardship/weakness, I will not allow that to destroy the days/work I've earned this far.
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2020

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