Age 24, COMPLETE lack of self worth, due to heavy porn use since age 11. REBOOT

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by chrism, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so had christmas work do last night, its was quite fun, but today feeling pretty tired, can wait for the weekend to be here!!

    only two more days including today.

    i am having cravings today, but they are focused only on a girl who i used to speak to who loved anal.... i am trying to put it out my mind.
     
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    ok, i just PMO'd. for the first time in a long while.

    I was just about to have breakfast, feeling very cravey, came on my GF's laptop to write in here and i just ended up PMOing.

    Feeling very annoyed at myself, and now very nervous about going to work. also very worried about telling my GF. so yeah, i'm a mess.

    cant believe i did this. ruined what was such good progress!! not sure what to do now, but im going to be late for work. don't know if i should wake up my GF and tell her now or wait till after work.... I really very nervous about telling her. but i know i should. I will wait till i get home from work. and if she is reading this. I am so sorry. i am disgusted with myself.

    When will this fucking stop. every day i wake up with these cravings!!! i just want it to stop. I dont want to be thinking about these things i just want to be a normal person. why have i done this to myself?
     
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    ok so its the day after i PMO'd ended up getting to work an hour later than i normally do and and damaged some wood in my rented house. so stupid!!

    after speaking to my GF, i realise that i need to MO more regularly.... so i will be trying to figure out what sort of time frame will work for me, i read on another guys journal that he aims for no more than once a week, maybe i should go for no more then once in 4 days for now....

    So I guess this is day one again.
     
  4. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    had a really good weekend with my GF,

    was really fun, and i'm not even feeling that down about a single failed sex attempt with her on saturday. from her reaction i know she was hit worse by my penis not working and i apologize to her for that.

    had a bit of a later night last night than i normally do, feeling more tired today than i have on other mornings. maybe a slightly earlier night tonight would be good.

    i spoke to my GF yestersay about the fact that when we watch tv sometimes and there is like a sex scene that we both sort of may get turned on but neither of us say anything about it and then we both just kind of sit there feeling a little awkward. i dunno, i guess that we are both just nervous, i mean, i told her that i get a bit turned on when she is watching stuff like the kardashians, and she said that was disgusting.... i was just being honest.

    i know know that she wants me to woow her more and i realise that i have not been as romantic about things, and i need to step up my game.
     
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so tuesday, its a cold day, when i woke up today i had a sort of mini morning wood, which is nice because it has been a while.

    feeling ok tired wise today... feeling pretty good. no real cravings, and when i went to bed last night i found myself thinking about a number of things, but these things did not include porn or sex, just like work stuff and i found myself pushing those thoughts out of my head.... then i think i fell asleep. so not sure if that is normal, but i guess it was a good thing because it meant i was able to go to sleep.
     
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    had a little extra lay in today, feel ok, bit cravey, but yeah generally good to be fair.

    time to shower.
     
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    ok, so yeah think i am feeling pretty good today, for some reason the light hurt my eyes a bit more than usual this morning...

    last night was really nice with my GF, we watched some stuff down stairs then came up stairs and i told her how i was feeling horny this morning and then in the evening i was not feeling horny but i wanted to be, because i wanted her and it was frustrating and she ended up giving me an amazing handjob.... she is still feeling a little uncomfortable so she didn't want me to play with her... i think maybe i should just play with her next time because she said she wanted to have sex after we were done but she was feeling nervous...

    i am having small cravings today, but the fact i woke up with some morning wood again is encouraging and i want this to continue.

    aslo when we were watching stuff last night there was a scene on the tv show that kinda sparked some craving for porn but i am trying to let go of it....
     
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    woke up today with cravings again, but this time was mainly about girls i have met... although mainly through the internet... i know that i have no real interaction with them apart from through the internet... i need to get that shit out of my head!!!

    read a few posts other guys have made on the sight and now feeling fairly motivated to stay strong and be the man i know i can be! it ha been tough recently due to the cold weather... i just simply feel to sensitive to be anywhere that is not nice and warm... i wonder if this is just something to do with me or because i am a porn addict.... i dont know, i remember when i was with my first proper GF, i think i my porn addiction did properly start to impact my life and i remember being colder then....

    i just crave what i cant have and that is unproductive and a waste of time... i also crave my GF, but it is tainted with other thoughts and wants... wish i just gone out chasing girls when i was younger, but i turned all that down for porn... i thought i was doing the right thing... i thought this is the way forward, im not hurting any body, im not going out and getting drunk, im not doing drugs, im not going out and getting an STI... but really what i was doing was numbing my brain and turning myself in to a less confident, more angry, less comfortable person, with social anxiety and mood swings, as well as a massive binge wanker. what a fool i have been, and the worst part is that i still crave porn. what the fuck is worng with me? i know it is wrong, but part of me just wont let go.

    although on the bright side, i have got to another 4 day mark i believe, so that is progress.... and i was very turned on when my GF wanked me off a couple days ago...
     
  9. bikeguy

    bikeguy Member

    So what type of relationship do you and your gf have, does she entertain your fetishes? Maybe if that type of stuff turns you on, you can share it with her it might bring you guys closer.
     
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    morning, so this morning i woke up with morning wood again, which was good!

    feeling pretty horny this morning, and woke my GF to tell her i wanted her, she was sleepy and felt uncomfortable about it, but i understand as i have basically made her feel shit about herself with the Porn addiction. when i told her i wanted her this morning my wood went away, i dunno if it was just because i was nervous too, or because she said no, i dont know, but im glad i told her, and i understand why she said no.

    she told me this morning that she had wanted me last night, but also didnt and that was confusing, i wanted her last night too, but didnt say anything, because i was tired, and wanted to feel fresh for the working week, so i left it till morning.

    Reply to Bikerguy,
    yes in the past she has done most of the stuff i have wanted her to do, i wont go into detail, but i am super lucky to be with her, and can't only think about what i am missing out on now due to having an addiction to porn, i am very much looking forward to the future, when we have put the work into our relationship and can be fully open with each other.

    any way, time to shower now, and aiming to not MO this morning.
     
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so, woke up before my alarm this morning, felling a bit horny for my GF, she is still not ready yet, so gonna shower, get ready for work, and then be there for her when i get home.

    not feeling too tired this morning, that may be because i woke up horny, i dont know...
     
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    woke up before my alarm this morning again, by like an hour and a half..

    last night was good, went to the pub with one of the guys from work for a couple, and it was fun, i was feeling good when i got home, but then had a couple joints and was super sleepy, so too tired to be horny i think.

    this morning i woke up with morning wood, and my thoughts ran away with me a bit, but were very focused on my GF which was good. i know i need to be more in control of my brain and just push these thoughts out of my head more.... i also think i need to focus on not touching my crotch as much. because doing so makes me horny, and then my thoughts run away with me.

    any way, time to shower now. i plan to not MO today.
     
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    yesterday was a good day, GF told me a bunch of stuff she had been thinking. this was a good thing as i kind of knew she had been thinking these things but it was good for me to hear them.

    the thing that i think will affect me the most was that she said if i keep PMOing she is going to have to leave me, which is fair enough i guess. not really much else that will motivate me more not to mess up...

    so yeah, generally feeling good about my progress, got a boner at work yesterday. and today well, i guess its just a normal day. and its time for me to shower now.
     
  14. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok, so MO'd yesterday in the shower, felt pretty bad about it in the morning, but through out the day the feelings sort of dissolved.

    feeling ok today, had an extra 15 minutes in bed today, as went to bed a little later last night and its only friday so i go home from work early.

    not sure what else to say, other than i feel as though i had been really dehydrated recently which has been making me feel like i have like a dry gammy mouth... so i dunno, think i may have been holding back from kissing recently, but not sure if my GF wants to kiss me properly either at the moment...
     
  15. bikeguy

    bikeguy Member

    So what exactly are you doing to keep yourself from fapping? Are you keeping yourself occupied somehow?
     
  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    ok so not MO o P or PMO, or anything this weekend, feeling really positive right now and yeah just focused and happy.

    i have been having some deep thoughts recently about why i use porn so much, and i guess its just to stop myself from doing other things. i didn't want kids, i didn't want to get an STI or anything like that, and this attitude has keep me safe, but i am now in a committed relationship and need to now thing about me as a we. i also thought back to when i was younger during the weekend. There was a night with my first proper GF where we had sex 5 separate times. I want to be that guy again. I miss that guy, but this will require a number of things, including, being good at staying away from porn, having regular sex with my Gf, and getting a bit fitter. i have decided that i will not be doing yoga during work time due to the cold, (its hard to stretch when its cold) but when its the holidays i will be trying to do it in the mornings.

    Bike guy.

    i work a full 40 hours week, i do at least an hour overtime every week days, I get up at 5:45, and finish work at 5. when i get home, i chop up some wood for the fire, i organise myself, and sort everything out for the day of work tomorrow, and me and my GF smoke weed, and watch TV, and do stuff like fix old cloths, and then go up to bed and aim to go to sleep for about 10 pm.

    I know i need to get a hobby, but at the moment, i am just trying to focus on not messing up and relapsing. Although i know i do want a new hobby. but one thing at a time.

    Any Way, its 6:06, i have to go shower now.
     
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    woke up a bit late today, so ill make this a quick one.

    feeling cravings today, the most i have felt for a week or so. mainly craving stuff because i think its has been a couple days without any kind of stimulation. I need to focus on becoming the old me again, and just generally becoming a better person that has a more open mind that doesn't get funneled down into this P direction.

    time to shower now.
     
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    yeah so, at work today people were looking at porn videos on there phones...

    proper graphic ones, like scat videos and lesbians licking each others ass's, and since then i just been feeling very cravey, and very fidgety. I spoke to my GF about it and she said it was good that i spoke to her...

    i just feel sooooo cravey!!!
     
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    its christmas eve, its the last day of work for a while, and i am feeling fairly good, woke up a little bit early, so went downstairs and sorted out my bag for work and made up a new batch of my cereal, and did a bit of meditation kinda clearing my mind a bit, sitting still and just focusing on being calm and feeling myself breath and my body move as i do, it was nice.

    feeling productive, happy and last night i read a post by a guy about NoA or no arousal, so i will be reading more soon about this, but if any one wonders here is the link http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=14525.0

    i will be doing this as a way to stop the craving building up to a point where i have to do something. so ill be starting this properly today, we will see how it goes.
     
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so been doing well this holiday period, had a sex a number of times, and have good consistent morning wood.

    not feeling happy to be going back to work, but who is?
     

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