Age 24, COMPLETE lack of self worth, due to heavy porn use since age 11. REBOOT

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by chrism, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    ok so its monday morning,


    woke up pretty horny, but trying to deal with things in a mature way, and let me GF be ready to be in the mood to help me out with what im going through.

    I love her and i want me and her to have a proper sexual relation ship. i know that i have in the past hurt her with this addiction and i just need to help her help me.

    This may take time. But that will be worth the wait.
     
  2. Robane

    Robane Member

    Hey man. Hang in there you're making great progress in terms of your reboot.
     
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so i have been laying here in bed for the past couple hours... pretty horny, not sure what to do....

    feeling confused.... just wanna be able to sleep.... gonna try sleep again.
     
  4. SgtJim

    SgtJim Member

    Just read through your journal and you've made some cracking progress. I went through the long job searching progress you went through as well, after uni and it is so demoralising at times. Glad you came through that well. Keep it up!
     
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    hey guys, thanks for the replies.

    I have woken up today, very tired and horny, but just trying to think about how i am going to get through today.

    I am sure it will be a struggle.
     
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so i MO'd yesterday. frlt pretty bad about it yesterday, but i am now feeling a little less down about it.

    my head was going crazy over the last couple of days. but now i am feeling more calm. wish i had been able to have close times with my GF but i know that she needs time to get used to this as much as i do.

    It is a difficult time and i have made it very difficult for her in the past with my PMO addiction.
    I look back to what i had with my GF, and how sexy she was and i just kick myself for letting it get to a point where she now feels uncomfortable about being with me. I had it so good and she was so amazing for me and i was just there on my own wanking to porn. I am such an idiot. I just want to have the old version on my GF back where she wanted me all the time.

    I have a lot of work to do to get myself back to being rebalanced, and help her gain some of her confidence back. I feel i have been very bad for her.

    I also feel as though i am not loosing my foot fetish... when ever i have my GF feet close to be it turns me on... I dont know if that is soome thing that will upset her if i tell her, or if she will just accept it as being part of me.

    I just want my GF all the time now... Even if i am tired, but the way she has reacted to me telling her i am horny for her has made me feel as though i shouldnt. it is confusing and I know she doesnt want to make things difficult for me, and shes not. its just part of the process i guess. I need to make her feel comfortable.

    Another thing as well that is happening, is that i am thinking more about my previous personal sexual experiences... I dont know if this is bad or good, if i should tell my GF about these things or not... right now i am horny, and its because i am thinking about the things i have done with my GF in the past, things i have done with other girls in the past and just the fact i want to be doing these things with my GF. I hope this is progress....
     
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    morning, so yesterday i actually felt relatively good. woke up feeling a little horny today, again thinking about y GF and the things we have done in the past.

    gonna shower now, all i can think about is how i want my gf... i know this is a good thing, i just need to learn to get used to wanting her, and there being times when i cant have her.

    gonna try hard to not MO in the shower, and think about how she may want to have sex or play on the weekend....
     
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so i realised that i kind of lost sight of where i am in this whole PMO addiction thing and i think that is because i did not set myself a new goal...

    I reached my last one and then just coasted.

    today i will need to focus on setting myself a new goal.
     
  9. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so had sex twice this weekend. good times.

    my goal i have decided to set is to not relapse in any way before the end of november.
     
  10. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Nice one mate, no ed?
     
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    still going strong with my goal.

    I have been on a business trip for three days (2 nights) and have not MO'd or PMO'd.

    got back last night and GF gave a hand job, stayed hard the whole time. While i don't think i am fully recovered the fact i stayed hard the whole time really helps with the confidence.

    I am still getting cravings and that is difficult to put out of my mind... but i know i love doing stuff with my GF and when i look back at the things she used to do with me it turns me on massively, so just need to stick to this rebalance and try to help her gain back the confidence i took away by PMOing.

    i really am having great difficulty in not thinking and fantasysing about her doing stuff to me with heels, her feet, or anal stuff... and i think about other fetishes a lot too.... dunno if it is just part of me... i have always wanted to try different things... i also would like to do more sort of anonymous webcam stuff but with my GF... think part of me is quite an exibisionist. I dunno if that is part of giving up porn. or just that i am a bit more adventurous...

    All i know now is that i love being able to be hard with my GF and i Am focusing on my goal of not relapsing till the end of november. only about ten days to go.
     
  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    woke up today pretty hard, but feeling kind of odd, i dunno like a numb...


    Just trying to not think about porn stuff and just get on with my life....

    focusing on things at the moment is fine and i feel in control. its just like i can feel in the back on my mind, the cravings and the thoughts i used to have. I know i am in control at the moment and i know that i want to do a whole bunch of stuff to sort myself out and organise myself so that is what i will be focusing on. just having a productive weekend and doing everything i need to do to be more relaxed and have less stuff around me that i need to organise.

    That was a bit of ramble, but its kind of how im feeling right now.
     
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    GF showed me a few posts that people have made regarding MOing during there rebalance and she has informed me that it is ok to MO a max of once a week as long as the focus of the masturbation is linked to the memory of an experience from the past.

    I am doing ok this morning, woke up with no real hard on, but feeling good, and looking forward to the week, which is good as it is friday morning.

    so yeah, just got to keep focusing on my goal of not failing by the end of the month. just over a week to go and goal achieved.
     
  14. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so this morning i woke up a little earlier than my alarm, with a slight bit of morning wood, this is nice, but i think i may need to go to bed a little later as waking up before my alarm just makes me think that i went to bed too early...

    either way i woke up fairly horny, having thoughts of sexual situations i have been in in the past, and this got me thinking about how i had failed in the past and what i would have liked to have done. i also thought a bit about how me and my GF were talking on the weekend and how she said if we broke up then id have the opportunity to try out my functioning penis, and then i brought up about becoming swingers and she seemed to have no disgust towards the idea... i know i am no where near ready for any of this, but it makes me realise that i have a sexy as hell GF and i have been missing out on things that we could have been doing this whole time.

    I just look back on the things we used to do, and it just makes me horny.

    oh and BTW yesterday was monday morning, not friday. Its tuesday now, and feeling good about going to work. time to go shower now. one more week until december.

    also, one things is my GF has not given me head in a long time, this just makes me want it even more! i look forward to the day when it does happen. very much so. we haven't talked about it, but that is ok.
     
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so i went to bed a little later last night in the hope that i would not wake up before my alarm, but i did again, i guess this is just going to be something that happens..

    havnt woken up today with any morning wood, but i do have some cravings... just need to remember that i feel so much better about everything when i stay away from the PMO... time to shower.
     
  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    and went to bed again a little later, last night, not sure when though, but i slept through till just before my alarm today, so that is a good feeling. Still a bit tired this morning, but it is early so that is to be expected.

    I am having small cravings right now, but i am more focused on my day, and the fact that i am feeling a little numb right now.... i dunno... its hard to describe, just feeling like im in some kind of flat line again...

    well time to shower now.
     
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so finally, its friday. Feeling fairly good, not too tired, but a bit horny... but no hard on.

    I just feel like i am sort out not in control of my brain at the moment and im just kinda moving through this week as a passenger.

    last night before we went up to bed my GF was laying on the floor play with our rabbit, and i her bum looked amazing!

    time to shower now.
     
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So its sunday, mid day, woke up feeling really good, motivated, whole list of stuff i wanted to do.

    but the day has taken a turn. i now have no motivation to do anything, i have cravings to go PMO, and im just generally feeling shitty.

    did most of the stuff i have to do on the weekend yesterday, which i thought was a good thing, get that stuff out the way, then i can do more stuff that i have been wanting to do for a long time... but the thought of doing it is just making me feel angry and down.
     
  19. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so had a bit of a funny days yesterday, and feel really bad about it because my GF was having a down day, and i feel as though i just sort of highjacked it.

    im not sure how i was feeling yesterday, i was trying to be in control and active and do things i needed to do but, i feel like i maybe pushed myself too hard and ended up waring myself out, feeling tired, and the cravings were awful.

    im not sure if it is down to the fact that me and my GF had sex on friday night and then again on saturday morning, maybe that got me in a horny mood, and then i just didnt know what to do with myself, felt as though in the past i had not been able to have sex due to PIED and the worry made me feel bad and then i just kept thinking about what i used to do and made me want an easy way out by watching some porn.


    still having massive cravings for foot fetish stuff and anal... even been thinking about playing with my GF heels... not sure if this is a good or bad think though... when i was younger that is what i used to do... also been thinking about playing with her underwear..... and that is also what i used to do when i was younger before i got more heavily into porn.... so maybe its a good think....

    its also becoming more clear to me that i am craving less extreme stuff... like if my brain does its thing where it comes up with things to search for in porn i have noticed that it is shifting towards less extreme stuff, where it used to be like hardcore stuff like girls pissing or group anal gangbangs or BDSM stuff, its more like i wanna see a girl playing with herself... or i want to see lesbian stuff... which i have not wanted to watch for a long time... its actually giving me a full on boner just thinking about this stuff now... so think it is time for me to go shower and resist the urge to play with this boner.

    oh and just realised... it is now December, so i achieved my goal for not PMOing or MOing before the end of November now my goal will be to not PMO or try to think about Porn as little as possible before new years. i will also aim to only MO once in seven days, at the very minimum, longer than seven days no MO is my aim.
     
  20. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    so yeah, wrote quite a lot yesterday, feeling kind of the same today.

    2 days into my new goal, and doing ok i think, when i woke up i did have some fantasies, but tried to push them out of my mind.

    every time i go into the bathroom, i see my GF sexy outfits stuffed in a large storage tub, i am tempted every time to get them out and play with them, but obviously i would much rather have my GF play with them with me..... much like her heels.

    ok so today should be fine, not planning on doing too much more over time this week an hour a day should be fine, and i really should do at least some yoga this week. the cold seems to ruin my ambition/ motivation to want to move about and stretch. i cant wait for it to start getting warmer again.
     

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