Age 24, COMPLETE lack of self worth, due to heavy porn use since age 11. REBOOT

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by chrism, Feb 12, 2014.

  1. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    And So It Begins...

    I am at the latter end of my 24th year on this planet, and have recently (three weeks ago) discovered that my ED and other negative parts of my live have developed as a result of my heavy Porn Masterbation Orgasm routine, which has been a larger part of my life on and off for 14 years.

    At this point I would like to make it clear that there have been a number of key parts of my life which have made me think that wanking to porn on a daily basis were acceptable. I'm sure this will be similar for many of you.

    It is also important to me to note that sex seemed as though it was risky due to STD’s and pregnancy. Could have been due to sex ed in school or the way I had been brought up, this is definitely not the reason for my ED but did make porn seem like a good option at the time.

    Age 10/11 (2000) started masterbation, realised that sexual fantasy allowed faster orgasm. Orgasm not daily but three or four times a week.

    Age 12 (2001) use of porn websites with dial up internet (no PMO), replaying porn scenes during masterbation. At this age porn was the lighter stuff, solo girls, lesbians, girls in lingerie, girls stripping. Orgasm increased to maybe 5 or 6 times a week.

    Age 14 (2003) started doing things with girls, no sex, still watching porn. Probably MOing every night. Porn had escalated due to use of limewire, now watching things which included hardcore face fucking and anal videos, as well as facials and gang bang scenes.

    Age 15 (2004-2005) PMOing at least once a day. Lost virginity, and got a new girlfriend. Problems here arose due to her not wanting sex because of a bad experience she had gone through earlier that year. This meant I was not with my first serious girlfriend and using porn more than ever.

    Age 16 (2006) Relationship develops we get closer and start having sex. No PIED. GF goes to uni, I visit every other week successful sex is had. By Christmas she quits Uni, our relationship deteriorates, we don’t have sex any more.

    Age 18 (End 2008) I go to uni, Break up with GF. Have numerous encounters with say 6 or 7 girls during the first half of my first Uni year, PIED occurs with each drunken encounter (not even getting to the sex). At this point I chalk up the ED to being too drunk. This is a reoccurring justification I use to ignore the issue.

    Age 19 (2009) an undefined relationship forms with a girl at uni. This was a bad relationship. Numerous cases of ED as well as many 50% - 60% erections. This is when I start using porn heavily and Probably PMOing at least 3 or 4 times a day. It should also be noted that I have started using MDMA, laughing gas, and pills, once or twice a week. Smoking Weed every day. Drinking reduces.

    Age 20 (Early 2010) The relationship came to an end when I found out she had slept with someone else. Fell into a bad place and quit uni.

    Age 21 (2010) Still using porn Heavily. Trying to get my self to a better place, improving my social routine and thinking about a new uni course. Drug use continues.

    Age 21 (late 2010) Start a new uni course, cut down on the A class drugs, meet a new girl (still smoke weed daily). Feeling much better about myself but still using porn heavily. A relationship starts with the new girl and PIED is a problem that causes a strain on the relationship. GF advises me to go to the doctor. Doctor advises me that Drugs are the problem and gives me pills to calm down. I do not take these pills, but do cut out most of the hard drugs (except weed). The relationship is improved, but there is still some tension.

    Fast Forward to now 2014 Age 24. Still in a relationship with my GF and love her very much, we have been together for 3 and a bit years. GF has depression, we try to have a sexual relationship but things are difficult even though we have both been through a lot together. I realise I have an addiction to masterbation. I tell my GF, she find the YourBrainOnPorn website. Everything seems to make sense, I have been numbing my pleasure response for 14 years, give or take.

    It is time to make a change. 28th Jan 2014, I decide it is time to give up porn for good.
     
  2. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So the reason for making this post today is simple, I wanted to clear my head of everything I have been thinking about over the last three weeks. I'm the kind of person who has to start from the beginning so that is the reason for the above post.

    I had an incident today where I found my self browsing through some tumblr blogs which were obviously porn related, and without realising it my hand was on my cock.

    Managed to stop myself from going any further once I hit the four page of images. At that point made myself go to my bed room, strip off and change my whole outfit. Felt better being in fresh clean clothes.

    I knew it was not enough for me to just keep a spread sheet of PMO and MO, So I will be using this as a place to note everything I go through during this change in my life.

    Had a pretty shitty day yesterday, I'm sure you guy hate having to ring the customer service centre for large phone companies too. Phone call ended badly I was very angry and ended up punching. My wardrobe door. It didn't help, but today when I woke up I just felt shit due to my hand hurting, Kama I know.
     
  3. Cliffy_

    Cliffy_ New Member

    Welcome abroad Chris.

    Shitty that you got hooked up on porn so early; so did I, and it sucks. If I were you, I would go through the first days focusing on your assets. You told your story from the beginning, and even though there's some shit that's been piling down - you wouldn't be here otherwise - there's also some gold in there. You succesfully got away from hardcore drugs, so you know what to expect during a detox process. Giving up porn is like giving up any other addictive substance. Your expierence in the matter will most likely help you get through. Another important asset, one that - for what I've been reading these few days - not many of us here have, is a plenty and diversified "real sex" life experience. One of the goals of rewiring is exhanging P for the real thing. I assume it must be a lot easier if your brain has its good share of memories from real women than if you are a virgin, or have little experience with the ladies. The third and most important asset, I think, is you having a significant other who's supportive. She can be of great help in the rewiring process, she can be a compannion, helping you reconnect to real life, and also sort of a cell guard, someone else to respond to. It might be helpful at times when your inner guard is low.

    If you notice my counter, you'll see I'm no expert in rewiring, I'm also just begining the process myself, but the things I mentioned I firmly believe are going to be powerful weapons for you. I also have a history with drugs, so with that I can be sure. As far as the other two things, sexual exppierence and a supportive girlfriend, I'm just guessing, but still, I think it might be helpful. Thing is, try to focus on your assets, and walk tall mate.

    Cliffy
     
  4. Sound fx

    Sound fx How bad do you want it? GO GET IT THEN.

    Best of luck along your journey man. Sounds like a good time for you to buckle down and commit to beating this addiction I can relate in a lot of ways, mostly with the COMPLETE loss of self worth due to pornography. What I can promise you though, is that is gets better.

    I also used drugs(sold drugs & smoked weed everyday, ecstasy at least every weekend, crack, painkillers) to self medicate and try to fix my lack of self confidence. Which was just a painful bandaid on an underlying issue. As I'm sure you know, there's no future in the drugs man.. Nothing good ever comes from it.

    I think a lot of people try to use things outside of themselves(porn included) to fill in that sense of lack that they have due to their problems. And those things don't just go away because we find something that makes us temporarily feel good.

    The only way to compensate for the lack of self worth is by facing our problems head on and filling our lives with good, productive activities that give us natural, positive rewards. Along this journey I suggest you do all you can to better yourself, mentally, physically and spiritually.

    That feeling of competency, satisfaction and self confidence that we get when we work hard to improve our lives... Beats any temporary pleasure man. Chase that feeling, and you will beat this addiction with a feeling of strong self worth that you have never experienced before.

    Best of luck man.
     
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Thank you for the kind words Cliff, very much appreciated
     
  6. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Thanx sound fx, all good points. All the support from this site means a lot to me.
     
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    So i have had a pretty busy weekend.

    busy trying to figure out what steps i need to take to beat this thing. i have realised i can not be with my computer while i am alone. everything i am with the computer, the temptation takes over and i am on auto pilot.

    I have made the decision to take steps to change my reliance on my parents for job for pocket money and have signed up to the job centre. this in turn let me to feel shit about myself and as a result while filling in the part about skill, got sad, felt i didn't have any worth-while skills, and PMO'd.

    This has made me realise that, not only do i need to focus my life in another direction but i need to do it without using my computer, this may be difficult.

    searching for a job is hard, i am feeling shit about my abbilities and it is making me thing i am not good enough for jobs, prior to Uni i have many jobs, even while i was at uni i had like four different jobs. I have never been fired, but still i am finding it hard to think that someone is going to choose to pay me for the work i do.

    It's a vicious cycle. I NEED TO STOP THINKING LIKE THIS.

    I have also started seeing a therapist. I think this is a good step forward.

    I have been working with my girlfriend to figure out how to deal with situations, she has been incredible and can't thank her enough for support me through this, the hardest part of my life.

    I am wondering how me and her should be dealing with this, we have decided that for the mean time (the next couple months) we should not be doing anything sexual. I cant help but think that sex with her, being off the table, may be making me think i need to go to porn. This i am sure is WRONG, and is just my brain leading back to the bad place.

    I need to get out of my parents house

    I need to earn my own money

    I need to start seeing my friends

    I need to stop saying that things are scary and just do them

    I need to stop thinking about the bad

    I need to accept that this is going to be more difficult than i had previously though

    And i need to come on here more regularly to make sence of what is gong on in my head.
     
  8. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Good morning people,

    Woke up today feeling much better than yesterday. have decided that i will be giving my laptop to my GF while we are not together. hopefully this will stop me thinking about porn.

    I have also planned to start using my sketch book again, maybe not daily but at least it will be more than i have been using it.

    I have also got the ball rolling with my job search and have a meeting set up for two days from now at the Job Centre.

    Also planning on doing some yoga today, as i always feel much better after a good session of yoga.
     
  9. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Wow. Powerful stuff man. I can definitely relate to this. I'm still a work in progress. Hopefully we can help each other out.

    Keep fighting man.
     
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey Mr Tony,

    It does feel good that other people can relate to this, i honestly had no idea how difficult this was going to be, I Have never struggled with anything like this before. Thanks for commenting on my thoughts man. You said your a work in progress? are you looking for work as well? or have u just gone through the job hunting process while trying to quit porn?

    Again thanks to all who have passed on your positivity.

    Regards Chris W
     
  11. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    This post might be a bit rambly, So i had my Job Centre meeting yesterday.

    Had my dads voice in my head saying about people who go on the job seekers allowance are lazy bum's and it kinda made me feel bad about myself, then when i tried looking through the job sites, each of the jobs i found had skills required that i didn't regard myself as having. my GF said i have these skills and more, but i am finding it difficult to not be down on myself at the moment.

    I have been thinking a lot about my life and how porn use has impacted it. i have wasted so much of my time! By my final year of uni my work routine was revolving around porn use, id sit down to do work, id be on my computer doing research, etc, then my brain would start thinking about porn.

    I would keep working, and a minute later my brain would be straight back to porn, i'd convince myself that id have a wank, and then get back on with my work. I PMO, get back to work, and then what felt like no time later, the same thing would happen. this was a bad thing.

    I am really trying to think positively, but at this point it is like my brain is trying to remind me of why it is bad to watch porn and this is making me feel shit about myself. I dont know if this is because of the stage i'm at, or if i just need to keep trying to be more positive towards my abilities.

    These bad self realisations are making me think about porn and sex a lot today.

    I's sat looking through jobs, i feel bad that i don't feel i have the skills for the jobs i look at, and then i think about porn, then i get mad at myself. It's frustrating and i really want to break this cycle.

    To be fair, one thing that i am just now realising is how beneficial it is to write this stuff down. It seems odd that this helps but i think it really does.

    I have never really been much of a writer, and have tailored my uni experience around writing as little as possible. i picked subjects while revolved around visual media rather than essay type stuff, so it is odd for me to do much writing in general. I'm just finding myself in a weird place at the moment.

    On a lighter note, i have been doing yoga every other day, for the past two weeks ish, and went for my first bike ride in a couple weeks the other day as well, felt good to be physically tired by the end of it, however the tiredness i felt the next day seems to be snowballing through the days. I just need to pick myself back up again.

    But by doing what? I need to get my head straight and make a proper plan of action that i stick too. it's been four days since i last PMO'd and they have been a struggle, i am not feeling much libido, think i might be in a flat line, trying to come to terms with it, but find myself forcing feelings in my head which then lead to porn fantasy.

    I just need to learn to chill out more!
     
  12. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    I'm a work in progess by trying to quit PMO and live a better life. I got my first job in June of last year.

    One of the messed up things I did with my money was blow it on this one camsite. Don't make the same mistake I made.

    And congrats on making it 4 days without PMO. Keep up the good work!
     
  13. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey guys, so it was my 25th birthday yesterday.

    Had a good day but also been having a lot of sex related thought in the past few days.

    Possible TRIGGER alert!!

    So i recieved a text the other day from a girl who i have not met in person, but met through a friend when i was around 14 or 15 maybe... This is the first girl who i used to talk to about anal sex stuff, (as she was into that). It was just a friendly text just catching up about general things, but since then my mind has been going crazy!

    We ( me and the girl i used to text) have not talked about sex or anal or anything for a good few years, and definitely not since i have been with my GF, but we have been friends the whole time. So i spoke to my GF about it and told her that i am having a lot of thoughts about anal and stuff that i used to talk to the other girl about. She (the girl i used to text with) is most probably one of the main reasons i have been into anal sex, and got interested in it so young...

    I just woke up this morning and all i could think about was anal related stuff and then i got thinking about girls in heels and then girls with lipstick on their bodies and now I am just finding it difficult to concentrate and i have a job centre meeting in about 3 hours. (I am feeling nervous and like i am not prepared).

    Also because it was my birthday i have been thinking of birthday sex stuff. during the bike ride me and my GF took on my birthday, i spoke to her about having always wanted to have sex (or do other sexual things) in the woods, as i thought it would be fun, she said she didn't think i was the type of person who would want to do that. It kinda hurt because, i think of myself as a fairly open to anything person, and she has a view of me as a prudy person.

    So i guess i just kinda felt a bit down about that because i feel like my personality is showing people that i am someone different to who i actually am. This is probably because i had ED due to PORN, and when i experienced ED it may me appear as though i was not turned on, and therefore appeared as a kind of prudish person.

    But we got back from the bike ride, we had a shower together, and although i have been thinking about all these sexy thing with me and my GF, i didn't not have a boner, and just felt shitty and bummed out.

    he longer this goes on, the worse i am feeling about sex stuff and im just not really seeming to get any improved boners or libido.

    It's a confusing time and im not feeling any better than a couple of weeks ago.
     
  14. Sound fx

    Sound fx How bad do you want it? GO GET IT THEN.

    Happy birthday brotha.

    These mood swings and ups and downs are to be expected man. Try to keep your head high and know it will get better in time. This recovery isn't instant, it takes time to heal and see the true benefits of it, stay the course man and you'll be there soon enough!

    Hope you had a good b-day man, best of luck in the future with your healing.
     
  15. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey SoundFx,

    Cheers for the comment, feeling a lot more happy in the last two days, these mood swings are a lot more extreme than i was expecting them to be. Actually had a little flip out one monday (two days ago) was in my car, my dashboard was rattling, i went to hit it to stop the rattle, caught my rear view mirror and smashed my windscreen, bad times.

    Had a therapy meeting today, spoke about the anger and stuff and she gave me a couple of relaxation strategies which are similar to deep breathing and guided relaxation, but only last for a couple of minutes. I have been doing yoga for the last year and a half ish, really enjoying the whole meditative part, so hoping that these will help me relax more.

    due to me being fairly confused about the whole sex, no sex, playing, etc.. when it comes to dealing with PIED with a GF, we had a talk and read through YBOP website for tips and advice.

    Prior to reading i had been feeling horny and though i wanted sex, but the more i read on YBOP, the more i have realised that what i was thinking was more like porn fantasy. It is an interesting revelation, and had not considered previously that what i thought was normal sex fantasy, was quite heavily being dictated by the porn i have recently been viewing.

    I know now that i probably need a little longer to stop thinking about these fetish kinda scenarios in my head. i want to be fantasysing about being with my GF, not just having her do stuff to me.

    Thanks to YBOP me and my GF came across the section talking about karezza, this is something i think she is interested in, and so am i. Just need to get myself past this weird stage until i am feeling ready to try doing stuff i think.

    I really dont want to mess up my reboot, by jumping into something too fast.
     
  16. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    I think i have missed out a few things from my journal, so here they are;

    - I have installed K9-Web protection on my mac (this has really taken some pressure off).

    -I have decided not to use my iPad at the moment (undefined amount of time).

    -I have removed Google Chrome from my iPhone (due to the temptation of the incognito mode).

    -I have decided that i do not want to be deleting my safari web history.

    -I am genuinely more invested in quitting porn for good (previously, i don't think my heart was fully 'in it'.
     
  17. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok, yesterday i had a pretty good day but it was a little up and down.

    spent the day just moving some boxes from our current house to my parents new house, it was good, took my mind of a lot of stuff, and gave me some exercise by moving boxes of stuff which was good.

    When I was heading back to my current house i started feeling a bit down, but i guess that is to be expected while taking this journey into becoming porn free. when i got home was still feeling a little down, by this point it was about half four and i decided that i just needed to chill so watched some TV with my Gf and Smoked some green. I felt much better when i was time for bed and had no bad thoughts and no problems falling asleep.

    this morning i woke up much earlier than my alarm, and found myself feeling horny, with a semi hard on. the problem is that this is a kinda new thing for me having morning wood, and when it happens i can't help but focus on how hard my dick is! its annoying. i'm laying there, tired, but all i'm thinking about is how hard my penis is and if it will be getting harder.

    I was spooning with my GF, think she was asleep, but wondering if she can feel my morning wood... I rolled over so i could see how hard i was, it was probably about a 50% erection. I help it in my hand and pulled the foreskin down, and by doing that my erection grew..

    I was feeling good, as it had been a couple of weeks since i had achieved a full erection. But from that point on it got worse, i got super horny, and all sorts of things were running through my head.

    TRIGGER ALERT

    Started thinking about the foot fetish i have, but was kinda relating it to my Gf, then my mind wandered, i was worrying that i shouldn't be thinking about fetish stuff and then my mind started replaying experiences i had missed when i was younger, and well and things that i had done with girls in the past. then things started to escalate a little more and was thinking about more porn related fantasies...

    I think i am putting a lot of pressure on myself about not thinking about pron and it is then making me think about real word girls, when i had been close with but missed opportunities for sexual related experiences.

    I have kinda made the decision that by the end of this week, i will have gone for two weeks no PMO, MO, M, or O, give or take a day or two. This will also be a day or two past 30 days since i started my NoFap, quitting porn goal. I think i will be ready to try stuff with my GF, without be too worried about messing up my progress.

    If anyone has any advice or experience they could share regarding this stage of recovery then i would appreciate any insight people on this forum may have.

    Many thanks for reading,

    Stay pron free!
     
  18. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    An update.

    I am now in my second month of reboot.

    I have at present blocked all porn and distractions from my computer using k9 web protect (best thing i have done so far)

    I have been actively seeking work and attending job seeking meetings.

    I have been more active, riding my bike in the woods, doing yoga, and leaving my house more in the last week than in the month previous to that.

    After some intense low feelings last week and a horrendous argument with my Gf, that actually ended with a very positive outcome i would say i am actually starting to feel more like my younger more confident self.

    The argument arose due to my head being a mess. I will start from the begining.

    The week between the 24th Feb to the 28th was fairly stressful early on but i kinda got myself together a bit by the end of week and had applied for three jobs which i thought fitted my skills. after feeling horny for the week and being confused about what i should be doing regarding sex stuff with my gf during this reboot period, i asked her if she wanted to have a read about what couples can do together to help with the reboot. we sat down (Sat 1st March) and read for a while (couple hours ish) we read about karezza, about couples that dont do stuff in the beginning, about couples that do stuff but it sets the guy back, and various other accounts from PMO addicts with GF's.

    By the end i kinda had the feeling that i wasnt ready to do anything sexual yet, and that i just need more time. this upset my GF and i can see why because i had been talking to her about all the things i had been feeling and the porn related thoughts and craving that had been going through my head. I had been making her think for a week or so that i wanted to do stuff with her, but once i had read the accounts again i felt i wasnt ready. It must be very difficult to be with someone who has a pron addiction, it is difficult enough figuring out what is going on in your own head let alone having to deal with an addict.

    So a few days past and GF had been down, I asked her what was wrong and it was the fact i had said i wasnt ready to do stuff yet, we had a fight, but this one ended with a possitive outcome, and we both told each other how we were feeling. she told me due to her depression she thought that she needed to focus on herself for a bit and i told her that i was actually starting to feel a little more in control with regards to my cravings for PMO since i had installed the k9 web protect on my laptop.

    later when we went to bed, my GF still seemed a little upset, i asked her what was wrong, she told me she felt weird and didnt know how to kiss me or when to kiss me, i told her she could kiss me whenever and however she wanted. the only reason she was feeling funny about kissing was because in the argument i had mentioned that i found the way she had been kissing recently as if she didnt want to kiss me for long...

    She told me she had been feeling weird about kissing me and i said i kinda felt the same. this let to me manning up and kissing her how she deserves to be kissed. This felt good, and we kissed like we haven't for a good 6 months at least!

    TRIGGER ALERT

    The kissing felt good, and install of thinking about where i was gonna cum, or her dribbling all over my cock, i actually enjoyed the feeling of her tongue in my mouth, it felt nice and i kinda felt like i did when i was younger going to under 18's dances and trying to get with girls on the dance floor! This is the start of something very good. The kissing got me hard, i could say how much, maybe like %50 erection, but this is good because prior to giving up PMO i had to have her hand on my cock, or my cock in her mouth (even then not being full erect and sometimes not at all).

    We kept kissing and stroking each other skin, it felt good, but my boner went away, I could tell my GF was turned on and decided that she has been here for me through this and i wanted to return the favor and make her feel good. I started playing with her, enjoying the closeness, my boner came back, but then went away. This was a good night for us as a couple and although i didnt O she did twice. We then did the same a couple of nights later.

    I think the closeness and the fact that i can satisfy my GF is making me feel better about the whole situation and i belive that it is only a matter of time before i will be able to stay hard while we are doing stuff together. For the time being i think i will still play with her while she doesnt touch me, untill i am not so focused on how hard my cock is, because im hoping that at some point it will just be hard! Well that is the goal! and it is helping me focus on other things in my life other than porn.

    This is still the most difficult thing i have ever done in my life. But it is becoming easier with each passing week.
     
  19. Mr. Tony

    Mr. Tony Life is like a game of chess.

    Congratulations on month 2 of reboot!! :D

    It's great to see how far you are. Hope you get a job soon!

    Over time it will continue to get easier, and it's also a plus that your GF is understanding too.

    Keep pushing through!
     
  20. the_trainer

    the_trainer New Member

    Your story and mine are very similar. I'm 24 also going through a reboot.. It's good to hear you have a great support system in your GF. My ex was the only person I ever told about my problem, and rather than do anything to help she sat there quietly. Our relationship soon ended, which turned out to be one of the best things for me. It motivated the fuck out of me to get control of my life.

    If you're looking for some additional tools to help your addiction recovery, check out: http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/porn-addiction-recovery-course/

    Good luck man, and know that all of life's choices are up to you.
     

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