Age 22 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Youngfella, May 1, 2014.

  1. I've struggled with the all or nothing mentality and it won't let you quit. In fact, you can get more addicted while thinking black or white, because you don't assume responsibility "unless you're giving your 100%". I'm not saying that's how you think, but I know for a fact my subconscious does.

    What's been your PMO and MO frequency for the past year per month more or less? Do you edge a lot or take too long per session? I think you are still bound to fail because you still think watching porn is a relapse. Yeah, maybe, but if you have been PMOing 20 times per month on average (just giving a random number) and this month you do it 15 times and take less time per session, it's still progress. Apply that kind of progression the following months and you get the idea.

    It's still going to be hard though. Being exposed to your "drug" of choice and not abusing it is also hard...
    What an addict wants is to escape whatever problems by overusing the drug, so using the drug less still requires a lot of self control, but who knows, it might be easier for you like that.

    I would recommend you to use a spreadsheet and track your monthly frequency of PMO and MO.
  2. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Thanks man. Did this approach help you?

    Yeah and "all or nothing" attitude is a way to simplify and feel to be in control of your life although life will never be black-white, it's really shades of grey and complicated. What I'm saying is that never watching porn again is very difficult but at least it's possible. NEVER masturbating again in your life though? I mean, how many guys in history have pulled that off? Going 90 days without masturbating is a little fly compared to going without it for the rest of your life. The urges won't never fade away completely because it's in our biology to get sexual urges. I try to avoid making promises to myself that I can't keep.

    About frequency, I probably relapse for real one time a week and the chaser effect affects me to the next day also so 2 days a week, that's 8 times in a month and like twice during both days so 16 "relapses" in a month. 12 months x 16 relapses = 192 porn sessions in a year. I think that's a pretty close assumption. I know it's much better than before starting to quit this but it's still not a huge difference maker.

    The biggest problem is that my sessions last a lot longer than before and I'm on the edge a lot so I can go as long as possible ( because of the all or nothing attitude ). Because I know that once it's over, I will feel like total shit and start rebooting again. So my mind rationalizes that since I started this and I can only do this this one time, I might as well do this for hours then. I shouldn't have thought that way but all or nothing attitude thinking f*cked me up.

    Watching porn is a relapse. Orgasming is not a relapse. Using the word "relapse" for a natural reward is quite stupid don't you agree?

    And what are you referring to with the word drug; porn, masturbation or masturbating to porn?
    Porn is a drug, masturbating to porn is a bigger drug but masturbation isn't a drug, at least it's not nearly as powerful as those two. The novelty of internet porn vs. your imagination is like the New York Yankees vs. a kindergarten baseball team. I did try a few times to masturbate with just fantasizing about real life situations (not porn sessions) but it either got boring or took way too long(but still not even close to how much time a porn relapse session takes), so mostly I just quit it and went to do something else. But I wasn't really horny anyway.

    But when I get to a long day streak with both not watching porn and without masturbating and orgasm, I get these stronger (but) natural sexual urges(because biology) that will sabotage everything I do. There's only one thing on my mind, I can't concentrate and can't get anything meaningful done before I satisfy them. But now I just deal with the urge with by having sex but if I can't have sex, then I masturbate, be done with it and move on with my day ( but still having a streak going with my "not watched porn since" counter).

    If I go like a 100 day streak without watching porn but masturbated like 5 times during it, it's fine by me. At least porn would be out of my life which is the thing that causes the problems anyway. I would call that progress and a success, wouldn't you?

    And I have a spreadsheet, but thanks for the advice nevertheless. :)
  3. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Just thought about giving a little update.

    So me and my girlfriend for almost 2 years broke up. It was on mutual terms. No need to talk more about that.

    Being single at this point in my life is really the best situation for me. For like 4-5 years my mindset has been this " I have to have a girlfriend, I have to be in a relationship, I need to be in love. I don't know why but I just feel like I need to." Now, I don't have that feeling anymore(probably because 4-5 years ago I didn't know what it feels like but now I do). I haven't felt peace like this in a long time to just being with myself. Like I feel that now is the perfect time to really find out who I am as a person, what I want in this life as just me. It feels liberating. Because so much in my life is messed up right now, and I'm certainly not ready for a lot of things yet(relationship wise). In a relationship you have to live for both of you and I thought I was up to it, even though I had big problems in my personal life. But it seems that in the end my personal problems were too much. So just concentrating on me, on my problems(one of is still PMO), on my goals, on my life is the best way to go. The best outcome of the break up is that I feel really free. And I decided that I won't be in a serious relationship definitely not this year, very likely not next year, then I see how things are in 2018. But now I guess is the time to "find myself". And I'm looking forward to it.

    About PMO, I made a few changes on my environment. I kept track on my relapses for a month. The things I listed were what kind of relapses they were( MO to imagination, MO'ing to pics(not porn), or a full blown relapse), the place it happened(your room's chair, bed) and what was the time. 3/4 were full relapses, 3/4 happened in my bed, 1/4 in my rooms chair and those were the only places were I relapsed. I separated the times the relapses happened from 0-6, 6-12, 12-18, 18-24. The most happened at 0-6, while laying on my bed with my laptop and the close second was 12-18 while sitting on my chair in my room with my laptop. So I've basically conditioned these two situations as big time cues for a relapse. At night(0-6) it's probably because I should be sleeping but I'm not tired enough and also a little bored and that leads eventually to a relapse because even though you feel like shit afterwards, it helps you fall asleep(but that's not an excuse). And at the afternoon(12-18), while sitting in my room, being on computer, basically I just get bored so that leads to a relapse. In the morning(6-12) I'm usually pretty occupied and because the day is still ahead of me, I want to get stuff done, I'm in a pretty good mood always in the morning. And in the evening(18-24), I just feel more relaxed, since the day is already "behind" and I can meet my friends or watch some good movies or stuff.

    So what I did was that I basically set a rule to myself that I can't use my laptop in my room, especially not in my bed. I also set a rule to not use my phone in my bed ( which I've slipped a few times but generally it's working ). I'm just using my laptop in a different place ( different environment ) and it has worked quite nicely so far. I get urges but they clearly aren't as intense as they probably would be if I was in my room. Because when I think about, I never was as isolated as I was when I were in my room, with my laptop, door closed. And like we all know, isolation fuels this addiction. So I believe setting a few ground rules is a great help for making this a little easier.

    That + feeling 100% free now that I'm single again + my new found motivation to turn my life around, to find myself, I also have a renewed ambition to win this addiction.

  4. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Hey Youngfella, great to hear from you.

    About your breakup, as you said it was on mutual terms, it's good if you're (both) happy.
    Great to hear that you feel free. I know exactly what you mean by saying, "I have to have a girlfriend". I felt/feel the same.

    Environment seems to have a great impact on relapsing. It's good that you have a new-found ambition for life. Go for it! You're gonna make it.
  5. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Major Update.

    So I had a little outburst this morning. Last night, I thought I was having a break through with this, which was realizing that I possibly used porn in my child/teen years because I never got "that kind of attention" from girls, not even once. So it was my substitute for real girl, real life crushes. Later that evening, I start to miss my ex girlfriends since they gave me that kind of attention, they accepted me, even loved me, and I felt crushed and bam, relapse. And I clearly noticed I used instagram/porn to feed my brain with stimulating pictures so those bad feelings would be pushed away, distracted. At least until I O'ed and they came back.

    So I decided that I will now attack this with full force, with my full arsenal and tools. Half-assing this shit doesn't work, I have 3 years to prove that. I use everything I've learned at the same time(at least everything I can remember).

    - No porn ( that's the end goal ) and the whole routine that leads to a relapse
    - Journaling here, helping others, reading success stories, one a day
    - Reading articles from YBOP
    - Exercising at least 3 times a week ( BIG ONE )
    - Sleeping well ( VERY IMPORTANT )
    - Not getting drunk (because hangover) at least in the first 22 days
    - 3 Gratitudes every day
    - 3 things I want to achieve today
    - Writing 1 positive/motivational thing a day
    - Not using my computer in my room or in my bed
    - No Instagram
    - No masturbation ( at least for the first 22 days so I can break my record )
    - Orgasm through sex allowed but just sex(rewiring), not handjobs etc.
    - No touching there, using jeans so it becomes harder
    - Trying not to listen sad, depressing music but rather uplifting and cheerful music
    - Back up plan for night's when I can't get sleep
    - Back up plan for unintentional/random porn ads
    - Not letting my guard down because I wrote this big plan post, good try there though brain, making me feel good about myself writing this post and suggesting a "reward" for me, not this time brain, not this time.
    - contacting my friends, family or anything if I've felt lonely for a bit too long
    - Being around other people AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, especially with those I care about and enjoy being around with
    - Communicating about my worries, either to me or others, not showing them down to my subconsciousness
    - Trusting my own decisions. If they work, they work. If they don't work, I make new decisions and learn from my errors.
    - It takes about 21 days to break a habit. To change a habit, you must keep the old cue, and deliver the old reward, but insert a new routine.
    - Porn is a distraction, never a solution
    - It's not an option
    - It's useless, it doesn't develop you in any way, even having a nap is better, it recharges you at least
    - Isolation is the worst, be around people whenever you have the chance. Especially with those who are close to you and enjoy being around with.
    - Great Movies > Porn. Movies are entertaining in the moment, you can "escape" to them and usually always learn something new and useful and after you've watched it, it can lift your spirits up for the rest of the day. Porn doesn't teach you anything valuable or useful and puts your spirits down for the rest of the day, not lift them up. Easy choice on which to use your time to relax, right?

    5 most important TO DO's

    1. Journaling ( everyday for the first 22 days, then we see how it goes from that point on )
    2. Exercising 3 times a week minimum ( 3x30 minute walks/jogs at least ), Summer is coming, we should be at outside
    3. Good diet, lots of water and reducing junk crap
    4. Sleeping 8 hours a night
    5. Positive attitude overall, remember to be grateful and finding the silver lining in stuff

    5 most important NOT TO DO'S (Porn is always a relapse, masturbation is a minor failure/disappointment on my half if it happens during these first 22 days)

    1. No porn
    2. No masturbation( for 22 days at least first )
    3. No Instagram ( for 22 days at least first)
    4. Not using computer/phone in my room and in my bed (because all my relapses happen in those places)
    5. No sexting
    + not getting drunk for the first 22 days because hangover is the most likely I'll relapse

    Orgasm allowed through sex = Rewiring

    Not taking any extra stress. Taking this very calmly and slow. 22 days is not an eternity, it's the 2th of June, Thursday.

    I will add to that list whenever I remember something new.

    22 days is the first big goal. It's time to break records.

    Day 1

    Good day. O'ed today during sex(with my ex, we might get back together) so no wonder it was an easy day. I think the whole rewiring thing actually works, the real deal seems more exciting now, even just thinking about it.

    Focused on being around my family and friends whenever I had the chance so that made things a lot easier.
    Not being in my room helps too, environment is crucial when talking about cues and this is how I minimize them, not being in places where they occur. And I feel relaxed for not using Instagram, it's just full of triggers.

    "Only I can change my life, nobody can do it for me."
  6. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Day 2

    A bit boring day until in the evening went to watch Captain America: Civil War. What an awesome, awesome movie, best one in the Marvel Universe so far. I always get my spirits up after watching a great film, it can change your mood for the better for the rest of the evening at least. Great movies are better than porn, fact.

    "When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree by the river of truth, and tell the whole world 'No, You Move." ― J. Michael Straczynski, Civil War: The Amazing Spider-Man
  7. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 22 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Day 4-5

    Insane blue balls, insane. I've tried gym+cold shower, it helps for a little while but the discomforting pressure like feeling comes back. Yesterday, I woke up to a porn dream and in half sleep went to Instagram and since then I've felt this. I know it's because I became aroused, the juices were ready to come out but since I didn't finish it, they are stucked there I guess? Can you get them "on the move" without masturbating? It's hard but I'm also fascinated to find out that will this fade away or will this get even worse. Like if they(blue balls) never go away, how can anyone possibly be for weeks without an orgasm?

    That aside, I feel awesome, manly. Head held high. I went to the gym with a new attitude: I'm there to let off steam,the extra energy that I have, frustration etc. and lift as much as I can, and it worked, I put my best workout since I started it again few weeks ago. Feel really drained now and sleepy, maybe this fixes my sleeping schedule also. Even asked one cute girl that how long she'll be on the leg press (since I was doing it next), she said quite nervously "not much, a few.." and I was like "okay". It was casual. She probably told her friend but I don't care, I was there to lift weights, but I was also probably the only guy who talked to her there, maybe she crosses my path again next time I go to the gym.

    I have energy, I'm pumped. I have this new attitude that orgasm is for sex only. That gives me sick motivation to work out, improve myself and interract with girls, even random ones. Feels awesome. Like I've gained my drive back.

    Only complain are the blue balls. Anyone have any tips not including working out, drinking water and cold shower to make them go away or is it just a matter of time? But I'm also intrigued to find out will they and when they fade away.

    Avoid Instagram, it just gets you sexually frustrated. But so far, so good. :)
  8. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Awesome to hear man! Who knows if you'll see the gym lady again.

    Unfortunately I don't know much about blue balls, not sure I've ever felt it. What is that feeling exactly?

    Also, I suggest just deinstalling Instagram. My last few relapses were caused by it. I did't miss out on anything since deinstalling it.
    Keep it up!
  9. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Day 6

    Quite good day. Spending much more time outside of home which I like. I like to be active. Blue balls weren't so bad today so I hope they "fade away" even more tomorrow. I feel more confident, about me and my abilities, that I'm capable of doing whatever it takes. Also I don't worry so much about the future, I feel like I can take it now. Whatever it throws at me, I'm ready, bring it on. I'm on a good roll now.

    About blue balls, I would say it's this uncomfortable pressure in your balls and in that area. After not orgasming in a long time but still getting some sexual stimulation( like checking out girls or instagram, I slip sometimes..) but not being able to finish it off. But it wasn't as bad today as it was the last 2 days so maybe it will go away on it's own. Or when I have sex. ::) Google it if you want to know more.

    Otherwise I would deinstall Instagram but I plan on using it myself at some point (adding pics) so that's not a serious option now. I just try to stay away from it. Funny, it's now like I'm fighting not to watch Instagram more than not watching porn. ???
    Probably because unlike porn, Instagram has real life girls from my country, even from my town who I could possibly get together with, unlikely but possible. That is it's attraction for me I think. I know, it's not useful use of my time and it takes like few minutes of my time per day but I try to reduce it. Still, better it than porn.
  10. Califree209

    Califree209 Reaching for my goal.

    Hey man I see us still in the same boat after all these years. Its a slow process we just have to take it day by day. I use to be able to go to at least a month easily now its hard for me to even get back to 15 days even though I have a girlfriend to do stuff with. Weird. Good luck man.
  11. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Hey man good to hear you were feeling such a drive the past little while. Those are always uplifting. But don't expect it to last forever, you're gonna have high days and you're gonna have low days. The important thing is to stick to your principles whatever day it is. That way you get more high days than low in the long run.

    As for instagram, it is better than porn, but don't be fooled. It can easily serve as a gateway, especially if you justify it over meeting real girls. If you grow complacent and make it a habit you'll eventually be searching more and more for users that put up explicit content with the ruse that there is a possibility of meeting them, making it okay. Now you know you best of all, so if you don't think you're like me in this scenario than by all means. I just want you to be wary and stop it if you can see it becoming harmful to your growth and recovery.
  12. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Good luck to you too. I think one thing we can agree on is that a girlfriend doesn't magically solve your porn use. It's up to you and only you.

    Yeah, the drive is cool, but I understand now that this whole thing is nonlinear. There'll be ups and downs, no matter what I do. When having high days, it's easy but during the low days, I'm doing again a lot of research in YBOP. After I've read an article, my motivation gets a little higher again and I know more about this whole thing which also makes it easier because I understand the mechanism how this works. Maybe because I'm 3 years older than when I started, I get all of the scientific stuff MUCH BETTER than before.

    That's an excellent example of why Instagram is harmful in this, at least in the beginning. You should make a thread using those lines in the Pornography Addiction section, since I think many people don't take Instagram seriously and say it's okay or safe. It's not. I'm quite sure that Instagram is one of the biggest triggers that puts an upcoming relapse on the roll. The Old part of the Brain doesn't care what it sees, if it likes it (gives it a dopamine rush), it wants it and it wants it more. Instagram, like porn, has almost endless novelty of girls(searching and clicking, "hunting" which is the biggest dopamine releaser.) and it has that extra spice that porn doesn't have; girls you actually know in real life, girls in your country, girls you have the possibility to actually meet(although, good luck with that, good looking girls have hundreds of guys who like and comment their pictures, pretty bad competition, what you have to offer that those other guys can't offer and these girls won't probably anyway choose their guy from Instagram, they have better options for that).
    Instagram activates the same pathways as porn, not as strongly, but it still activates them, it keeps those nerve cell pathways alive. And they grow stronger because you want more and more and eventually, bam, a porn relapse.

    Funny, since I've started this my latest "streak", I haven't watched Instagram at all, zero. And I'm not surprised this feels a lot easier now.
  13. jkl

    jkl Member

    What is instagram exactly? I heard about it but never bothered actually going to the website. Based on all of the comments im assuming that it is mostly girls wearing provocative clothing and in sexualized poses.
  14. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    It's a picture sharing website, now run by Facebook/Mark Zuckerberg.

    My last few relapses happened because of instagram, it's crazy. I deinstalled it and blocked it on my PC. After you deinstall, your profile still exists, so you don't have to worry about having your pictures deleted or something, if you plan to still use it some day.

    It's great that you haven't looked at it since.
  15. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    That is quite frankly what it is nowadays.

    That's also what I did. I've made it very clear to myself if I get urges to watch Instagram pics: "I'm not banning Instagram, if I want to use it, I use it when I upload a picture of me and answer to those who have commented on my pictures. That's it. No "wandering around" there, since it accomplishes nothing and I know what you're after anyway."

    Maybe one day I start to use it more regularly but not stressing too much about that now.
  16. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Average Life Expectancy Of An American = 78.1 years
    Average Life Expectancy Of A Porn Star = 37.43 years

    Some part of me envied the male pornstars for some time (but that was mostly when I wasn't yet experienced what it was like to be with a real girl) but now looking at it, even when these guys get all the sex with these women, they averagely die before turning 40. What's up with that? I take a life with 78 years any time before a life of 37 years.
  17. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Doing important things, moving towards a better life, a better reality, slowly but steadily.

    There has been a shift in me towards this.

    I no longer "fear" porn or relapses. I know that even if they happen, I still do things from daily to daily basis, important things
    that make me move forward in my life, towards a better reality. Slowly but steadily.

    I don't aim for streaks anymore. At least not intentionally. If they happen, they happen. If I leave this site one day with my old 22 day streak record, it's fine.
    On the other hand, if I'm not in a better place and happier in my life the day I leave this site, then all these years have gone to waste.

    This might sound like I've "given up" but hear me out.

    Doing things that seem important to you > Trying not to watch porn
    Making your life better > Making your streak better
    Actually, it will eventually go like this: Making your life better --> Makes your streak better

    The key to all of this is really that this is a lifechange, like TheUnderdog said years ago. Focusing on making your life better, step by step. Doing something rather than not doing something. I've been a passive person pretty much my whole life so it's not a surprise that I grapped to this "don't watch porn/masturbate and your life will become awesome" - mentality years ago since it didn't require me to do anything. Perfect for my passive attitude.
    Now, I focus on doing things because I can control it. I no longer wait for the "right moment" since what quarantees do I have that that right moment will ever come?
    I have more quarantees when I decide to do something and do it.

    If you just focus on not doing something, you miss all the opportunities and things that would happen if you decided to do something(important). A lose-lose situation.
    On the contrary, the time you use doing something(important) is also time away from not doing something. A win-win situation.

    If your life becomes even a little bit better on a daily basis or even on a weekly, monthly basis, does it really matter that much if you "relapse" sometimes if that doesn't paralyze you and you still keep moving forward towards making your life better? Because I know like all of you know, if we make progress in our lives, it will correlate to our streaks (even if they didn't matter anymore). Because when we deal with the things that worry us and remove/replace them in our lives, maybe we don't need porn anymore because at least to me, porn is pretty much a painkiller. To boringness, tiredness, hungriness, loneliness, stress, angriness, etc. you name it.
    But porn, and by porn I mean the porn sessions that take you away from the pain until it comes crashing down after the orgasm, porn is just a band-aid, it's not a cure.
    The sickness will come back and as long as you don't find the cure, you will use band-aids(porn). The sickness is the realization that right now your life sucks. At least my life has pretty much sucked after 2012. And the most fault is on me because I haven't done anything about it, just complained and waited "that it will go away on it's own, that the right moment will come". Also outside things but I aim to focus on the things I can change and try not to worry about the things I can't change.

    I know that the more time you don't watch porn, the more the brain in itself rewires back to normal. I know that. But my point is that by focusing on not watching porn, your thoughts are still focused on porn, which eventually creates the "forbidden fruit"- situation and we know how that ends. The key is to focus on your life and what can you do to make it better. "Live life like porn didn't exist"- mantras, "Porn is not an option"- attitudes, "Live without porn"- sayings etc. they all have good intentions but if you use them as inspiration or even as your personal mottos, they still contain the word "porn", they still remind you of porn. They still feed your mind, your subconsciousness with thoughts of porn. And they will create the forbidden fruit situation and you know the rest. Why not use phrases like, "Live life your way",
    " Live the life you want" or even "Live", etc? Or what do I know, I don't really use mantras myself. :D

    So right now, I'm in bit of a crossroads here. The overall topic people talk about here is how to stop watching porn= make your life better, but I'm now more about doing imporant things to me and making my life better and not really being concerned about porn anymore (I still get annoyed after a session but it doesn't paralyze me).
    And don't get me wrong, I DON'T WANT TO WATCH PORN, I seriously don't because it's a waste of time, a waste of energy and gives you ED but the obsession of quitting porn is over. I just try to do things that move me towards a better life, a better reality. That's my focus.

    Masturbation is totally fine for me nowadays since I know that it in itself doesn't change the brain and also since after sex I always get stressed out if she somehow gets pregnant because I can't control it and never know for sure, it's not 100% safe unlike masturbation + masturbation doesn't give you STD's. I have to have somekind of sexual relief and masturbation does the trick so it's fine. My ex didn't use pills because she was afraid of the side-effects so we were on the mercy of the condom not breaking during the action so you can see why I was stressed afterwards. The next gf better use pills dammit! :D

    Final lightening.

    1.07 -->

    Last edited: Dec 2, 2016
  18. Letscrackthis

    Letscrackthis "He is not here, for he has risen!"

    "If you just focus on not doing something, you miss all the opportunities and things that would happen if you decided to do something"

    Great remarks man. All the best moving forward.
  19. Nuwanda

    Nuwanda Member

    I like the forbidden fruit analogy! It is totally true. No progress is made when one focuses on just abstaining porn, and not on improving everything else in life. Thanks for sharing
  20. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Hey Youngfella.

    It's been a long time. Dunno why I stopped getting email notifications for this thread since I subscribed.

    I'm glad you're doing well. I really respect your approach, and I see it in the same light as you do.

    Active change and realising what our problems are is key. Not some magic powers from not watching women on a screen. Lately I have this approach when working on my own character traits.

    I'm glad you're still on the forum. I'm gonna provide an update on my journal. See you around the forum, and all the best.

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