Age 22 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Youngfella, May 1, 2014.

  1. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    2nd day


    Porn = junk food.

    I have made porn this ultimate pure evil which it really isn't. Here's the point. To our brains, fast food seems to be the best possible food ( because our brains love calories, fat and salt because all of these helped our ancestors to survive more likely and also grow our brains bigger). But our logical mind know's it's almost the worst possible food for us.

    Porn is the same. Biologically, sex is the most important thing for us ( after survival ) and the best way for our genes to survive in the future is if we have sex with as many women as possible. Our logic mind knows porn isn't sex and that it doesn't help our genes to survive but our brains sees porn as sex, it sees the possibility to pass our genes to thousands of girls and by that secure our genes survival in the future.

    Junk food isn't "evil", it's just bad for our health. Same goes with porn. The makers of junk food and porn could be said to be evil but the actual product is not evil, at least not to our brains. Like junk food, porn overrides our normal satiety levels. No wonder McDonald's is one of the biggest companies in the world and porn is a billion dollar business. Overriding our satiety levels is best for business but not best for us.

    World knows fast food's negative sides but when comes the time when the whole world knows the negative sides of porn?
     
  2. UpendiT

    UpendiT Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Anything that brings in money will have its side effects swept under the rug for as long as possible.

    Why did we think porn was healthy? Because doctors and therapists told us so (aka the "experts"). Who peddles drugs to those who subsequently develop ED and/or depression? Yeah... in med school they are taught how to increase the stock value of pharmaceutical companies. Whether they realize it or not.

    Look at all of the anti-depressants available. And even an anti-depressant to work with your anti-depressant. While we're at it, how about some viagra?

    We're all cash cows.
     
  3. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    True, but I am sure that people are getting more and more educated about porn and how their brain works, so they can resist that stuff. At least I hope so!

    Youngfella, you tried to go this month internet-free. How did it go? And how are you feeling, in general? How is your progress going?

    I can't lie, I'm gonna miss you when you leave this website. :(
     
  4. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Hopefully that's true.

    Well I guess once again I tried to solve everything by doing something really radical. But when I actually needed my computer and used the internet, the promise slowly slipped away. And once I relapsed, probably at the 5th day, I just didn't have the motivation to carry on that challenge.

    Couple past days have been great, I have been so talkative and in a good mood overall, lots of energy and I need less sleep but unfortunately today has been so far pretty dull and I've felt down. Probably gonna go visit my friends soon to be "safe" from the urges since today's been a boring day.

    I know, bro. But since I'm moving about then away from home, I think it's also time for me to move on from this site. It just feels the right thing to do. But I'm gonna still be here for 2 months so let's go out with style.

    You wanna do an "old-fashioned" challenge who goes further without a relapse? 8)
     
  5. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Yes, count me in. Day zero.
     
  6. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Giving an update since it's been a while.

    So the results came today about did I get into college or not and the answer is: NO.

    I took my car and went to drive and shouted like a total madman. I was so angry, disappointed, frustrated, tired and also sad that I just had to let it all out and now my voice is gone (temporaly) and my throat hurts. Once again I have failed in my life and once again I can't move on with my life but I have to stay in this fucking city maybe a whole year again. Ah hell no, that idea sucks too much that I will move away anyway.

    I could get a place from "lower standard" school but I'm not satisfied with it. University is my dream. I can't think of anything else. If I won't get there, I feel that I have failed in my life ( since thinking I was the best boy student in junior high in my class and very good at high school ) and that I will regret it for the rest of my life.

    2 things also piss me off. I have come to realize that I'm actually comparing myself really much to my older brothers. They both got to universities, easily and I don't, why? Am I really that much more stupid than them?

    The second thing is my girlfriend. She doesn't say it but she doesn't want me to get to a university ( because to graduate it would take like 5 years ) and in this other "lower" school it takes only 3. She has said it a couple of times that she wants babies when she's about 25-27, now she's 19, she has a job already. I'm not even thinking about children, not even close. Maybe when I'm 30, then I'm ready I guess. I don't know man but sometimes I'm just wondering that I could more easily "move on" or improve my life if she wasn't in it.

    I don't want to marry anyone before I'm at least 26 because our brains rational side is fully developed in the age of 25. But I know she won't want to wait for 5 years.

    Maybe I just go to that "lower standard" school ( if I even get to there ) and "kill time". It's better than nothing.
     
  7. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Youngfella.
    Damn, I'm sorry for you. You say, you have failed in your life "once again". Did you give 100% to apply for uni?

    I'm sure that you will find a way into uni since you've been very good in school as you said. In my opinion, there is also other stuff to do than uni! But I certainly don't want to discourage you and I want you to follow your dreams. Instead of that lower standard school, you could also find a job for that year, take it slow to really make it for uni the next year! But I am sure you already considered this.

    It's totally understandable that you're not thinking about getting kids yet. I feel like it's a trade-off between moving on in life and having to put up with girls, kinda. I really don't want to spam you with bad advice on this topic because I haven't been in this situation and don't really know how to think of it, so I'm sorry. :(

    I hope you manage to fix this stuff :)
     
  8. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Thanks No94, always appreciate your help.

    So I did get to that "lower standard" school after all. And I felt really relieved. I have something useful to do the rest of the year at least, who knows, maybe this is my thing? If it isn't, I do something else. My life, my way. Time shows.
     
  9. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    I have PIED.

    It's been like 5 times in the last couple of weeks that I haven't get it up with my gf. This always happens like if I (try to) have sex a day after the relapse. Today I was like "goddammit, don't do this now! I want her so bad, work goddammit!" and it didn't work. Why it sucks?

    - I'm always totally pissed after it. I don't like it and my gf doesn't like it
    - I don't feel like a man
    - I feel "WTF?! I'm 21 and my dick isn't responding although here's my gf who wants to have sex with me! Am I old or something?"
    - I have to be anxious like " will it work this time?"
    - she always thinks it's her faulth. I blame stress, lack of sleep, that putting a condom ruins the mood but she won't really buy it, I'm sure
    - It's frustrating as hell

    I wish this would boost my motivation to quit.
     
  10. Califree209

    Califree209 Reaching for my goal.

    Bro same thing happened to me and when i realized it thats when i went 90+ days so just stick through it and around 15-30 days it should be working again then you can just try to have it where your girl is the only way you can release (((i know my counter doesnt look good for trying to help but its worked before)))
     
  11. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    10 days is my next target. They say 7-10 are the hardest days. 22th of July at 12am (since today went clean), no porn, no masturbation.

    My new tactic is creating "horror" stories if I don't get over this during my youth.

    If I won't overcome this, I will be an underachiever in my life.
    If I won't overcome this, I will regret my life much more.
    If I won't overcome this, my life has gone to waste.

    Sounds bad? This all will happen if I still watch porn when I'm like 40 or 50 or hell, 60. I'm not trying to put you down, I'm trying to help you.
    Your best moments in life have included 0 seconds of porn or masturbation. Always keep that in mind.
     
  12. Letscrackthis

    Letscrackthis "He is not here, for he has risen!"

    At this point, I'm of the mindset that we should have multiple tools ready to use in this fight. The horror story thing might be a good idea (you can also accompany it with success stories). But you would have to make these stories as clear as day; they have to resonate deeply in you, to have an effect on stirring you away from the alluring grasp of porn. Even then I personally found relying solely on long term stuff stuff like that not to save me from giving into urges. It's similar to knowing all there is to know about the neurochemistry behind P addiction -I know if I keep using P, my future will more than likely suck, but will that compel me enough not to turn to P in the heat of the moment, when the reptilian portion of my brain seems to have more say than my higher order, long term thinking?

    Who knows, this could help you in your journey. But another thing you could simultaneously try is 'in the moment' visualization to process urges. Have a visual ready of how you deal with your urges. These are corny examples, but I'm sure you could come up with more creative ones. Eg. fighting urges (I used this one last year sometime): picture a lion roaring away the urge, standing for your adamant 'no!' in response to the urge. Eg. processing urges (using this one now): picture urges not as bad things, but as opportunities to make you stronger; I manifest the urge as a dumbell or barbell that I'm metaphorically working out with. I evoke that feeling of adrenaline you get as you pump yourself up to finish that last bench press rep. These may sound silly, but as long as you can convince yourself of the visualization's effectiveness, once you use it to kill an urge once or twice, it can be surprisingly effective and it takes less and less visualization to kill an urge. Just make sure that both long term and 'in the moment' visualizations are pre-planned and clear, not vague. All the best.
     
  13. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Rebooting is hard, amen to that.

    I have probably relapsed 100 times since I decided to quit. ( I didn't relapse now so this is not a post-relapse frustration post )

    I get these "heureka" moments from time to time that make me think that this is it, this is the time I'll end it. But none of them have been powerful enough.

    Right now, I have this idea, that if you think that quitting in the future will/would be easier, it's complete bullshit. Because what it really is when we watch porn and jerk off? It's almost always escaping boredomn or stress. And no matter if you have your dream job, dream wife, best kids ever and life is just awesome, you can't avoid boredomn and especially not stress forever. They can be reduced but they will NEVER go away COMPLETELY.

    Dream job - you might probably stress like hell that you might lose it one day
    Dream wife - people get bored of each other at some point, not like everyday is boring but at least that not everyday will be totally awesome
    Best kids ever - even best kids ever have bad days and when childs have bad days, you have a bad day
    Life is just awesome - no one has invented a pattern that everyday is awesome, no one. That guy would be a billionaire if true, you will still
    have bad days

    If I had all of those 4 ( when I'm like 30-35 ), I would be unbelievably happy. But... there's always a but isn't it? Life isn't perfect. What happens when everything seems so great but then comes someday when you're really stressed about something or bored? Turn to porn?

    What I'm saying, this is all really about how you deal with boringness and stress. And boringness and stress will be a part of your life as long as you live. So why not learn how to deal with it now? There will never be a better time really, its' just an excuse to relapse that one day you'll be stronger. Deal with it now. Besides, who decides how big part of your life boringness and stress will be? You.

    Deal with it now and don't waste decades of your life thinking " in the future, I'll be stronger". How you know that day will come?
    This moment, really, is the best moment to quit. Or lets say, this moment is equally good to any moment in your life to quit. Why not now?
     
  14. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Im back.

    Real studying starts now. Time to get all of the extra motivation and energy so here starts week 1!

    Good to be back.
     
  15. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Really glad to have you back!
     
  16. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    3rd day.

    Have to keep being strong. Can't let boringness and horniness make me fall. I can already see so much improvement with just talking to people, it is so much easier, fluent and fun. I know it will go away if I fall. This is just a temporary feeling, I'm just temporally bored. Temporary feelings won't make me fall again. I know I've got plans for the night, no need to panic that I've got nothing to do now ( at least nothing entertaining ). And I'm also a bit stressed because I've got some school work to be done for tomorrow. So I'm just gonna pick myself up from my bed and start to do something useful.

    1st week is the hardest, remember that.
     
  17. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Since we would usually fap when we're bored now gives us more time so the key is to swap this time for something more meaningful. But you already know that.

    I was thinking a lot about why we always fail in the first week. I see a lot of people who go at least 1-2 weeks saying that they lose any interest in porn at that point. And we always hear that the first week is the hardest. I think that we lose sight of our goals in this week and just relapse on autopilot. If we actively remind ourselves of the goals we want to achieve, I think that we can power through this week.
     
  18. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    We will power through. And I see you've already done that, excellent! :D

    Day 4

    I just copy here all the things I wrote down during the day.

    " Voice starts to lower or become more like that people will "take it more seriously". More secure feeling of myself and I concentrate more on my own life rather than thinking what others life is like.

    Although I'm in a relationship, I can feel this aggressive predator like feeling when I look at girls ( sounds creepy but it's actually cool :D ).

    And this is the most "spiritual part": I feel like there¨s this big ball of raw energy inside of me which just wants to explode but it doesn't know how or where that energy would go. In the past, that energy would go into porn and jerking off but not now. And I'm actually really excited of that energy to "explode" just to see how productive and energitic I will become.

    I remember this one conversation I had with this girl today, few days ago I didn't even know her and now I talked to her like an old friend, it was awesome.

    And I also like to think that this not watching porn/not masturbating, gives me an advantage towards other guys when considering girls and even school work or overall productivity in life, hopefully happiness in the future too. I doubt that many guys in my school do this, at least that they know porn is a problem. I want it to be my secret recipe for success.

    My motivation to gain muscle is SO MUCH BIGGER. Like not a bodybuilder but I feel like that I'm 21, the age were I should be in the best shape of my life and have some muscle, right? I would feel even better about my self if I would have "some guns", hah.

    And lastly, it feels like my posture is now better.
    "

    I have written these kind of texts on my phone for these few days but today I got much more insights than before. :)
     
  19. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    THIS IS NOT A RAGE POST AFTER AN RELAPSE, I just feel like posting after a long time.

    So school life is going well, I have much more activities in my daily life than before and I just feel better. I have direction in my life.

    But porn has remained. I haven't had the energy/motivation to "fight" against it because it doesn¨t affect me as negatively as before ( although it still does a bit and I want it to end ) so I just explain what porn is to me now:

    Scratching:

    When you feel like scratching yourself, you scratch yourself almost immediately, without a question, right? Because if you don¨t, it gets worser and worser and worser until you just scratch it off. You know that that feeling will come again, you just don't have any idea when.

    But let's say you haven't scracthed and the itching is as bad as it gets, what you gonna do that you won't pay attention to that feeling? Do something entirely else that gets your attention fully away from the itching. Because if you just stay there and wish it to go away, you probably ask "what's the point to fight when I could end it right now?" and you end it by scratching yourself.

    If you scratch yourself, the itching goes away. But your skin could get a bit damaged.
    If you don't, the itching gets worse and worse and you won't get any "rewards" when it finally goes away and you don't know when exactly that feeling goes away, you just hope it goes away fast. But you know it's good for your skin if you don't scratch yourself.
    So the question is which you want more: the itching to go away or good skin?
    Because one thing is 100% certain: the feeling of itching from time to time will be with you till the end of your days.

    And this is where masturbating to porn comes to place
    . I have chosen to "scratch myself" so the feeling of lust/anxiety/stress whatever, would go away and fast. I took the easy way out because I didn't have it in me to fight because I fucking hate the withdrawals, they are the fucking worst. Everything is going so well and BAM! everything turns to shit, just like that, no logical reason or anything at all. Scumbag brain. Or at least the addicted part of it. And my endurance for stress/pain or like that is not one of my best qualities. It's an excuse but it's the reason I have taken the easy way out lately.

    But I'm getting so fucking tired to it. I didn't know what I put myself into 2 years ago when I decided to quit but I wasn't expecting this. I thought I could pull this off on my own but my history shows me that I can't. So I have made a decision.

    Freedom > Ego.

    I'm gonna talk about this to someone(professional) and ask for help, I won't carry this burden alone anymore. I don't know is this ego or addiction that is raging in my head saying "Dont' do it, you can do this on your own!", they both have their reasons, I give them that:

    Ego --> wants "the feels" when I would someday pull this off on my own, proudness, the feeling of winning and all
    Addiction --> the chances for it to survive are reduced a hell of a lot if I get all of this out my chest to a real person who also
    would give me advice and support me

    But for fucks sake, I have tried to quit on my own for over 2 years! ( I know I've had this site with me and I'm thankful but it still is very different to talk about this to a real person, face to face ). Even though I would talk about this and get help, I still have to do all the work when I'm alone and all, when temptation rises.
    I still have a battle ahead of me.

    I'm not gonna waste my youth because of my ego. Freedom from this sounds so much better than feeding my ego.
    I want freedomness. Goddamit I want it!
     
  20. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Yeah I had an ego like that. Now I tell every other person lol. Most of my friends, my new school counselor, and even acquanitances sometimes know this about me. I don't care how I overcome this addiction, as long as I do. And as far the pain of itching and scratching. Each time you tolerate the itch a bit longer before you scratch it. Eventually through practice you can learn not to give in to the itch as easily. And that period is all you really need to cultivate. No all or nothing expectation any more here. And as for the pain and stress of relapse, I would personally have that countless times than to live a porn-filled life. No matter how bad the stress/pain, it's never I feel as bad as the result of throwing in the towel.
     

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