Age 22 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Youngfella, May 1, 2014.

  1. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    "I am not turning down the pleasure! I am turning down you! You get it? I want NOTHING to do with you! Ever since I met you, everything I ever cared about is gone! Ruined, turned to shit, dead, ever since I hooked up with the great PORN! I have never been more alone! I HAVE NOTHING! NO ONE! ALRIGHT, IT’S ALL GONE, GET IT? No, no, no, why… why would you get it? What do you even care, as long as you get what you want, right? You don’t give a shit about me! You said I was no good. I’m nothing! Why would you want me, huh? You said my achievements are inferior, right? Right? Hey! You said my life was GARBAGE! Hey, screw you, porn! Screw you!"

    - Jesse Pinkman (modified)


    Hey. I just turned 20(now 21) so I had to switch from the section 19 and below to here. If you want to know more about my story, go look at my old journal. But shortly I say that I´ve used porn for about 8 or 9 years now. In the first years it was pleasurable, then I started to seek more hardcore stuff and the stuff I look nowadays is disgusting. I don´t want to go further, I´ve had enough. For a year, I have tried to stop this. Haven´t had the success so far I´ve wanted to have. It changes now. Firstly, I will smash my record of 17 days. Then it just goes further and further.

    I`m not really in the mood to write anything big at the moment so I keep it short. This is the first day so I´m putting my counter to zero. I want that this decade is the best decade of my life ( at least so far ). Best years of my life. Best moments of my life. Porn can´t give that to me. It will never satisfy me. And I´m willing to let it go!

    Path to Freedom starts right now.


    Frequent Cues/Triggers Often Associated With Pornography
    •Life Stressors
    •Emotional imbalance (especially depression, anger, anxiety)
    •Boredom
    •Curiosity
    •Masturbation (when orgasm cannot be achieved without additional stimulation)

    Boundaries Frequently Violated By Pornography
    •Self-respect (when behavior is followed by guilt/shame)
    •Intimacy (in the objectification of the people involved)
    •Autonomy (when behavior is compulsive, feeling like life is outside of own control)
    •Order (when time spent engaged in pornography interferes with the completion of life goals, time management)
    •Integrity (when family members, coworkers discover your behavior)



    [​IMG]

    " Demise of guys

    We are all one of a kind,
    Especially for people who have a life like mine,
    Thoughts trapped inside of our minds,
    Unable to speak to the one we wish to say, "will you be mine?",
    Instead we are silent like a mime,
    Especially during a flatline.

    Demise of guys.

    Analyzing between the lines,
    Searching for an answer that will give us some shine,
    but in which we cannot find.
    It's like god's punishing us for committing a crime.

    Demise of guys.

    Even though this may be the hardest mountains to climb,
    Don't give up, don't waste your time.
    Even if you don't have breif moments of hearing harmony's chimes,
    Be strong, don't go blind,
    Because we are all flowers sprouting on this vine.
    And even if I'd does take a long time,
    You might as well wait fore your dopamine receptors to return to baseline.

    Demise of guys.

    Even if you don't believe in anything divine,
    Even if you feel like you will never reach the finish line,
    Even if you feel lost in our world of mankind,
    Just know that one day you will be able to say "I'm fine"

    - XFinity

    http://i.imgur.com/4ML6EPP.png

    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=24599.0
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=24770.msg414834#msg414834
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=24882.0
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=25224.0
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=26329.0
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=25068.100
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=26439.0

    Inspirational:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXtEcQGLWW8

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx-p9Wr6xg0

    Last time intentionally watched porn 17.11.15, 8.00pm
     
  2. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Happy birthday!
    Just checking in.

    New journal, new life. Make it the best decade of your life, as you said!
     
  3. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Well I didn´t watch porn but I did these:
    - chatted very dirty on a chat website ( anonymous )
    - sended pics of my upper body to stranger girls
    - also send a pic to my ex and told it was an " accident "

    So I might have a bigger problem than porn: Exhibitionism. And it is becoming more and more revealing. It´s incredibly stupid, incredibly. I always am terrified by it after orgasm. But when I go to this " zombie state ", I just do it, can´t help it. It makes me feel like a dirty bastard who doesn´t deserve goodness. It also steals my time, I sometimes do it for hours... I´m afraid its ruining my life, at least the moral part of it.
     
  4. aloopinfiasco

    aloopinfiasco New Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    What's up man! I feel I "know" you well enough to field out these suggestions, and I really want this summer to be the one where we both move on from this.

    1. Don't spend too much time on here. Lot's of journals in the 20s section have explicit material, about one's sexual life, or their erections. Honestly, people mean no harm by it, but reading a couple of these posts and it racks up to a slight trigger.

    2. Leave the counter behind. This is about right now, and the counter obscures that and creates alot of narratives that need not be. All you need to know is that you choose the option not to PMO at this moment. A spreadsheet is a great compromise between counter and no counter.

    3. Don't set a deadline. I saw you do this earlier in your journal, it puts too much pressure on you just like the counter.

    4. Sometimes when the stuff going on in your life is too much, just let go and listen to music, or read a book, or watch a great movie (I recommend the new spiderman). It does wonders to clear your head, and often makes you realize how lucky you have things, since so much media now is centred around an immense struggle

    I'm sorry if I came off preachy or insulted you, I used to relate alot to you and hope that some of this helps you.
     
  5. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Thanks aloopinfiasco ( and don´t worry, you didn´t insult me at all ). :) You had many good points. But I´m still sticking with the counter. I want to break my record (17 days), it has become an obsession for me. :D

    And about point 1 is that I did in the past read lots of peoples journals here. But not anymore actually. Fortunately this site isn´t as important or used in my life than it did before. More important things to take care off than hanging on this site ( no offense but you all kinda agree don´t you? )

    5 days and ready for more!
     
  6. GoingPrimal

    GoingPrimal Age 20. A New Life

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    almost beat your record! good job
     
  7. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Well, I did break my record. It´s now 20 days. But... when I just got the opportunity to watch porn and masturbate, I did. So it´s not about days. It´s not about abstinence. It´s about life view.

    I need to go down, deep inside of me, spend time with myself and see what are my principles, morals and values. Just how I want to act in this world and stuff like that. I´m going nowhere at the moment. I have to make a change and solve my problems. I´m not going to stop watching porn or masturbation if I just try to abstain. I need to change.
     
  8. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Yes, this is the right attitude! You can do it.
     
  9. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    I don´t know how long I can take this. This is not about porn addiction anymore. Every freaking day I do things that only harm me. ( I also didn´t get to study to anywhere AGAIN... ) I´ve probably have lost the only friends I´ve got so I´m more alone than ever. I shouldn´t have to feel like this at this age. It´s freaking summer. Everyone´s out there, with their friends, having a good time. And I´m inside in my room, thinking about what is the fucking meaning of this life. I... I need help. It´s hard to carry on when no one gives a fuck about you. I´m screwing my life before it even starts.
     
  10. TheNthAddict

    TheNthAddict New Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Feeling isolated and alone at home in the middle of summer? Feeling like you're failing at everything? Struggling to see a point in anything you do?

    Sounds an awful lot like me, there. Heck, I'm not just stuck at home because I don't have all that many friends around these parts... I'm stuck at home because I have no drivers' license, a deadbeat dad who never seems up for helping me practice driving so I could eventually get a drivers' license, and hardly any buses passing by here making it extremely inconvenient to get anywhere. (In weekends there literally isn't a single one. Unless someone can drive me somewhere, I'm literally incapable of going out during weekends)
    Now I would like to ask though... aside from all the things you feel you're doing that are harming yourself... what else are you doing? I mean it doesn't have to be anything earth-shatteringly important, just, are there even any small steps you're taking to improve yourself? For me, it's keeping a consistent sleep-schedule even when I don't need to, having a consistent morning routine consisting of taking a cold shower and making my own breakfast and reading a few pages of some self-improvement book all before I even turn on my computer (though the past few days I've switched to instead listening to an audio-book during the evening), and taking an hour-long walk each night. Oh, and switching my computer off at 8PM. Every day. And while none of these things have exactly been the miracle cure to make me the pinnacle of success... but it has helped me feel a lot better about myself, and to be a lot less negative about relapses when they do happen.
     
  11. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Thanks for the answer TheNthAddict.

    This all negative thinking could be caused by the army, that I can´t really make big decisions in my life until it is finished. 11 days and it´s over. But I have started to wonder that what if things stay the same when it´s over? I´m absolutely sure that when that day comes, it will be a giant relief. But only time will tell.

    Nothing that equals to the bad things I do. Most importantly, I break my promises day and day out. It´s excruciating. The best thing about my life at the moment is probably that I´m fulfilling my duty to my country and finishing the army soon. And that I have managed to chat with a local girl and not be a total creep. That is good.

    I´m pretty sure things will be better after army ends. And that I can focus better on quitting porn ( once again ) after it too. I just wish this bullshit was over already.
     
  12. TheNthAddict

    TheNthAddict New Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Okay, stop right there. I don't care what kind of bad things you're doing. I'm telling you to focus less on that and more on whatever good things you're doing, no matter how insignificant they may be. So you're in the army, huh? Well then doesn't that mean that you're getting at least some physical excercise? Living by a strict schedule? Having to do plenty of duties which are generally good for you?

    And weren't you saying back in your previous journal that you would obviously do better once you were in the army? Now granted, I too have fallen into the trap of assuming that it's hopeless in my current situation and that I'll be able to be much more productive once I'm done with whatever I'm doing, (for me, my study-exchange to Japan. I found it extremely frustrating due to how I knew exactly where all the porn-shops were and it was never a problem for me to get to them, which made staying away from triggers even more difficult because whether I was at the university campus or outside, there was always somewhere I could go to sabotage myself... On the other hand I was surrounded by hundreds of people my own age, meaning way more opportunities to socialize than I have now) but really, the "I'll get to it when I have the chance after *FUTURE EVENT*"-mindset is not a good one to take. Feel like there's nothing whatsoever you can do to improve your life right now? I would bet there is, if you just think about it for a while. And even if there isn't, you're clearly focusing way too much on your shortcomings. Fatal Mistake #2, you really need to change your view on all this.


    ...Well that sure came off way preachier than I imagined it sounding...
     
  13. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Yes. All of those things are correct. I have actually lost some weight ( first time in my life ). I admit, that is the best thing about army, that you get in better shape. But mentally... oh brother.

    Well let´s say you are at school and those big tests are coming soon. Do you start to think about other big life decisions at that time and start working towards them and in the same time study to those exams? If you do, you have a crazy lots of motivation and drive towards life man. But me, I just try to finish one big obstacle at the time and then move towards another. Army is a huge obstacle, to me at least.

    You don´t care what kind of bad things I do, that´s acceptable. But I do CARE because I´m trying to figure the fuck out why a guy like me, because I know that I´m a good person, does these bad things. It´s more important to find out the reason for it than watch my sleep schedule.
     
  14. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    I´m trying a new rule for myself.

    Next week the only time I´m allowed to use internet is from 14.00-15.00 ( everyday ), period. If I have to use email, I use it at that time. If I have to check something up, I check it at that time. Let´s see how this works. I have noticed that whenever I´m on the computer, I quickly start to become depressed. So maybe this little test could help. Let´s see. One hour is enough. You can do miracles in one hour if you are in a hurry.
     
  15. TheNthAddict

    TheNthAddict New Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Yes, I reckon it would be rather mentally exhausting. Heck, a classmate of mine once gave a presentation on what it was like in the military and I was just like "...I would never be able to handle that much stress." So I can see how it would be straining, but still, that's what I'm trying to get at. Try and focus less on how straining, physically or mentally, it is, and more on what you're actually gaining from it.

    I'd actually consider studying for the exams to be working towards my goals, probably. And if there was a clear conflict, yeah, I'd probably prioritize schoolwork above whatever long-term ambitions I have. But as it stands, my plans for my next term at school is to continue doing those little things each day to help my personal growth, as well as setting off time to study for at least an hour or two a day. And perhaps going to the gym a few times a week.

    When I say I don't want to hear about the bad things you're doing, what I mean is, nothing can be gained from just lingering on all the bad things you do. By all means, try to figure out why you're doing them, but don't go constantly putting yourself down over it.

    That's good, limiting one's time on the PC is probably the best way to avoid procrastination. Actually I should cut down on my PC-time more myself too.
     
  16. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Next week it ends. Hopefully that is a kickstart for a better tomorrow.
     
  17. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Last night I realized that I might have PIED. If porn fucks up my sex life then it can go to hell. Finally it´s a physical problem and not mental. Easier to see progress.
     
  18. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Happened to me about 5 times with girls now.
     
  19. Youngfella

    Youngfella Active Member

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    It sucks, right?
     
  20. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Age 20 - Youngfella´s Path to Freedom

    Immensely.
     

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