First of all I'd just like to say thanks for all the help people on here have provided me with so far just through reading their posts. I've been a member on here for quite a while, but never been active. I'm 19 and a half years old and writing this coming off the back of a relapse after 22 days PMO free. I've previously gone around a similar time but never further than this. For this reason I have decided to seek the help of others through starting this journal. I will probably be updating weekly, as I don't want to be thinking about porn every day of the reboot. Some background info about myself. I'm 19 years old currently at university. I'm extremely athletic and go to the gym 5 days a week. I used to be a skinny extreme ectomorph but have gained quite a lof of lean mass over the past year, and as a result have found more success with girls. I lost my virginity at the age of 18, and I have to admit the sex wasn't great. I didn't finish and it took me a while to get hard. Since then I've had opportunities with a few other girls but have never really been able to capitalise on most them. The most recent occasion was about 2 weeks ago, when I ended up in bed with my neighbour at uni, but couldn't have sex due to PIED (Couldn't get past about 30%). Another problem is that I've never had sex when sober, so I don't know how badly the PIED would affect me in this position. One thing I do remember is being able to get an erection from kissing a girl (even when drunk) when I had just turned 18ish. Since then I've noticed its happened less and less. On nights out I never have any trouble attracting or kissing girls. My game is quite good and I come across as extremely confident. There has been occasions when I've three-way kissed 2 different sets of girls in the same night. The only problem for me is that this is where the fun has to stop. I am desperate to get rid of porn from my life, and for the PIED to disappear with it. The most recent girl I tried to have sex with is interested in becoming f*ck buddies and I'd obviously love for this to happen but there is just no way it can at this moment in time. I'm 19 and should and could be having regular sex by now but I'm not because of porn. I feel now mentally and physically in good condition to begin another journey of life without porn, and now feel that I fully understand my triggers. I will be checking in weekly with updates and I hope to gain encouragement from the community, as well as provide it. One of my long term goals from this is to be able to inspire others in similar situations to myself now as I write this to be able to beat this addiction as well. Day 1 begins tomorrow. Wish me luck ;D
ok so I'm two days in now and to be honest I dont feel too different than before the relapse. Don't know how far it will have set me back but my cravings for porn aren't present but I don't feel like I'm back in a flatline yet. I used to be a 1 week relapse kind of guy, but for some reason even after this latest relapse I'm confident of beating my last 22 day streak. Lets face it I have no other option. Flatline is something that I'm not bothered at all about, and at least my cravings aren't present during it. But my whole life has been a bit of a flatline since most of the time I'm unable to have sex so a PMO free life is the only way forward for us all now. One thing I've definitely noticed is that before PMO addiction I used to have quite a big group of girl friends that I was close to, but over the years we grew apart and I can only assume porn had some part in this. I would like to be able to connect with a girl again. There is one girl that was a huge part of my life. I developed massive feelings for her, I may even go as far as to say loved but I can’t be sure. Our relationship broke down, and I haven’t spoken to her in well over two years. The only thing I am sure of is that I want to be able to feel this way again. I need to overcome this P addiction before I turn 20. My 20th is roughly 100 days away and I want nothing less than to have this eating up my early 20s as well as the later teen years.
Don't be too harsh on yourself, everyone here is here for a similar reason. I suck at communicating with the other gender, I put that to practice personally. And guess where the time went? PORN. So ya, we all help each other and it will get better. You are starting your diary to stop here right? I will keep track, and give you support all the way.
@NyaMe Yeah supporting each other through our journeys is what it's all about - I'll definitely keep an eye out on your journal when I come online. Not being too hard on yourself is also crucial. That's why I didn't really beat myself up when I last relapsed, just moved forward. So day 5 already, it's honestly gone quick as I've given next to no thought about the reboot, or porn or masturbation. I've been keeping quite busy with uni and had no time to even consider anything related to rebooting. This is definitely the best way of rebooting. Was actually almost shocked when I logged in and saw day 5. Penis size feels quite full at the moment, don't think I'm flatlining but no real cravings for O either. Morning woods few and far between but I've noticed I get hard in the mornings a few minutes after I wake up if I am just lying in bed. I need to just make sure I keep my hands away from my penis at all times other than showering and when going to the toilet. Quick question to other guys that have been rebooting for a while - on my last streak of 22 days, I felt like I was literally going to come at all times and kind of could feel it. How do you deal with this? I think this was the reason for my last relapse as I was considering the idea of MO'ing to sensation just to relieve myself but one thing led to another and boom... relapse. So any advice for staying M free and dealing with this?
Stay consistent in the first 3 weeks mate, and from then it will be a bit of a breeze from then. Also if you get any urges remind yourself what life was like before (pmo addict) and what life could be like when 'rebalanced'.
Good job on deciding to start a log. It's the right choice. Honestly I think the easiest, and maybe only, way to get through this is to fully understand what's going on, and understanding your triggers. If you know what causes you to relapse, you will know how to plan an escape route, or do anything to avoid those triggers. For me personally, the biggest trigger was boredom. If I had not been bored during my relapses, none of them would've ever occurred and I'd be a good 8+ months now. So it's always best to keep yourself occupied. You should also always remind yourself that you're in this for the long haul. In my first reboot, I went a good 90 days then regrettably let my guard down, and that's when I started fucking up. Don't ever let your guard down. As soon as you let that happen, you set yourself up for possible relapse. Take it one day at a time, and before you know it, days will have turned into months. Stay strong, and feel free to ask me anything. I enjoy providing support. I've been around the block so to speak.
Thanks for the advice Cheese and Big Lebowski - really appreciate it. As for the reboot I've decided to make some pretty big changes to my life today. I'm no longer counting days at all. All I know is that every day from here on in is just another PMO free day period. Obviously my tracker will inform me of the days but in all honestly thats irrelevant in my life now as long as i keep up a life porn and masturbation free. I've also decided today that I am quitting alcohol, at least getting drunk anyway until July. With exams coming up in June, and a holiday coming up in July (that I'd love to have made some good pmo free related progress by) I think this is the best option. No more nights out. No more hangovers. No more feeling bad about myself (which is a trigger e.g. when hungover). I'm also going on a supplement spending spree today and getting my diet sorted from next week. Eating clean and training hard as well as keeping up with my uni work. I feel really positive about this and it can only help make the reboot easier as well.
I am glad to hear that this is going further than just the reboot, but helping you with your entire life and control. I wish you the best of all luck, and hope you reach your goals.
today marks day one of the new diet and intense training/revision schedule I'm going to be living by for the next 2 months. Have to say I've had barely any urge to use the computer at all today, mainly because all I've been using it for as of recent is work, and I've been keeping busy to PMO is not even an afterthought. Things going really well at the moment. MW not present but I'm not too concerned about this at the minute and at this stage of the reboot. However I woke up at 3am last night with about an 80% erection and a pretty bursting bladder. Think this means nocturnal erections are working and I remember at least 2 dreams quite clearly and it is during the dreams in REM sleep that I believe nocturnal erections are present which makes sense. Anyway, not too concerned at the moment like I say, I'm feeling good with the current changes and all is positive and I fully intend on staying as far away from PMO as possible
Afraid to say that i relapsed and PMO'd to a picture yesterday. Resetting my counter back down to day 1. Trigger was something I've never experienced before, I had a fucking terrible day yesterday. I've self diagnosed myself on the internet and if what I think has happened has I'm going to need an operation and could be out of the gym for about 6 weeks, depressing as fuck. As it stands I'm going to put off going to a doctor until after my holiday in the summer and I dont want an operation before this. I'd rather just skip leg days because thats what it effects. After my holiday I will go to a doctor and see if i need an op. Was so down yesterday and it caught me off guard. No binge though so hopefully I can return stronger now.
As for the relapse, don't worry too much. I've been there countless times. It definitely sucks at first but all you can do is move past it, and not dwell over it. I used to do that, and it would only make things worse. As for the possibly operation, that really sucks man. I hope you feel better. On the bright side though, a lot of shit could change in six weeks. Hang tight.
Thanks man, yeah definitely had time to cool down now and stopped panicking over something I don't know how bad it really is. At least it only affects me when going really heavy on leg day and not in general life! As for the reboot I intend to get back to it business as usual. I would give myself an Internet ban but can't while I'm at uni so maybe that's something I may look into in the summer depending on how I'm doing. Should hopefully be 35 days in by then (5 weeks until exams and this semester is over)
Been a standard few days back down in the beginning of a reboot. Today I kind of had a realisation that I've never even allowed myself to get close to rebooting. 22 days without PMO is nothing. I want to spend the rest of my life PMO free and the most I've managed so far is 22 days pffft. So anyway this morning I woke up with a rare 60% morning wood. For the first time in ages today I was thinking about real libido and how it used to feel, and the feelings of real libido were kind of present in my mind (not in my body or penis) and I realised how badly I want this reboot now. I can't live any longer with this shit bringing me down. Now is my time
Nice man. That's exactly how it's supposed to be. Once you realize this, you pretty much set up a fire inside yourself and it just consumes you--in a good way. Sometimes all we need is a small glimmer of hope to get the dominoes rolling.
So today marks the one week mark again. Days are building up steadily again although I've been far to busy with uni work to even think about it until now. Today I had a weird experience that is perhaps of note. I began to feel as though I should be horny, it's hard to explain, like my body knew it had been 7 days since the last O and it recognised that it should be feeling horny, but all I actually felt was a feeling of emptiness. Pretty weird and difficult to explain but I kind of feel like it was a recognition of genuine horniness, but due to the unwired mechanisms damaged in my brain by porn it felt empty. Doesn't affect anything though, another day another win
I know exactly what you mean. I've realized a long time ago that there's a distinction between cerebral libido and visceral libido. Cerebral libido is exactly what you experienced. You know mentally in your head that you should be turned on, but no reaction. It's an empty feeling. Visceral libido is the REAL libido. This when you actually get a rush and real feeling of horniness, not just in your head. Over time, as your brain begins to recover the longer you go without pmo, both cerebral and visceral should begin to converge.
Relapsed. Could feel it coming as well which is the disappointing thing. Really need to get out of this week cycle I seem to be falling back into. Can't let this happen again. The key is definitely going to be breaking two weeks again. From there I will feel confident of going a long way
Just looked at my counter and I'm currently on equal the amount of days of my record and I didn't even realise. Not that bothered though to be honest, days don't count for anything in this game, its a change for life. Been purposely avoiding the forums recently. The whole aspect of being online and looking at people talking about porn puts the one thing in your mind that you are trying to forget about in life, and I've found spending less time looking on here and more time focussing on my life has really helped so far. I've been making some personal notes over the past 3 weeks, usually just once or twice a week, I'll post it in this. In other news I'm going strong, got about a 80% erection in the shower today when washing just because i spent a little longer than usual washing down there and it's starting to get sensitive again. I go on holiday in a few days for 2 weeks so that will be a further 14 days internet free and porn free, whilst chilling in the sun having an amazing time with my mates, and going out pulling girls, not going to rule out sex as a possibility but doubt i'd be anywhere near ready but if the chance came and I was able I would definitely take it. Just a quick check in to update my journal, and I'm going to carry on strongly. Private notes I made during this 22 days: New start. Day 1. Not used porn in 5 days but M’d yesterday but fuck it, calling today day 1. Day 1 – been trapped in a bit of a relapse cycle weekly the past few weeks. Managed 12 days but its not good enough. Beginning to realise that the only way I can get past this is full abstinence. I can’t live with this shit anymore. Sick of not being able to have sex, or being too scared to try when the opportunity is there. I have to be determined from now on. Here goes a full summer of no PMO. So I’m roughly 10 days in, maybe 9, not sure. It’s Monday, and the start of another successful week. I’m calling this day 1 again as I’m planning on not counting days as this has never worked for me in the past. I’m just going to take it week by week with each week being the first week and day 1 on the first Monday of each. Hopefully this will give me a psychological boost and new motivation at the start of each week to build up a streak within a new week. So far I’ve dealt with urges pretty well. Had a close call when I got sent a nude picture of a girl I know on about day 4 but I’ve been through my PMO days and I managed to delete it quick enough to prevent me going back to that shit. At the moment my penis is beginning to feel really smooth and full again which is nice. Had a few half morning woods which is of no concern to me in this early stage. All I know is that things can only get better and PMO is no longer in my life. This realization of fully turning away from an addiction and accepting it is crucial. I’ve had this thought in the past but always ended up relapsing. Thinking you’re ready, and knowing you’re ready are two completely different things, and this time I know I’m ready. With age 20 approaching I’m not living like this any more. I go on holiday 2 weeks today, and although its far too late to fully reboot before this, it’s motivation to try to improve as much as I can before then. Also, whilst there for 2 weeks, there will be literally no access to internet or porn so that should hopefully be a further perfect two weeks to add on to what will already be a new record for me by the time I get there. So it’s Saturday following on from the last update on Monday. Don’t know how many days in I am, roughly 2 weeks. I remember the days when I would be so happy to reach 2 weeks but today I am not really concerned. I’ve now fully realised days are irrelevant and this is a lifestyle change, not just a counting game. I’m fully motivated to continue and cure myself. After about 10 months of trying to reboot, I need to do this now. I refuse to live a shit sexless life Monday after the Monday before. Psychological day 1 again, beginning of a new week, still going strong, have no intentions of ever looking back, its just not worth it. I want to actually experience a normal healthy sex life and live without addiction. If anyone’s ever seen “Success, how bad do you want it?”, I’m beginning to want it as much as I want to breathe, I’m not fucking my life up further.
Just got back off holiday and had the best time of my life surrounded by all my mates and amazingly attractive girls. Anyone doubting the process, don't. I'd never really seen the benefits but from what I learnt this holiday, its impossible to see and learn the benefits sat at home alone on the computer. In just around 30 days of this latest reboot (and about 8 months of other failing attempts) whilst on holiday I was popping random boners all the time. I got with a lot of girls and my confidence was sky high. Decided to try sex and guess what - BAM erection is there strong as anything even whilst drunk. I've not had successful sex in AGESSS and I'm so happy this happened. The motivation this has given me is incredible and although I know im no where near healed it just shows how powerful a no orgasm reboot can be. So happy with the progress and I hope this can help to encourage and motivate others. Before I went away I didin't know what to expect and just thought I'd be flatling but in that environment, it obviously massively helped my reboot.
