Age 19: Keep track of me!

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by jamesmacgarfield, Nov 11, 2013.

  1. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    So, I've been masturbating since I was about 7 or 8, when I first discovered porn. Back in the day it wasn't too bad, here or there when I could get the computer to myself. Sometimes it was a daily thing, sometimes it was like once a week. As time progressed I got more heavily into the internet and thus, more into porn. The internet was my habitat and it seemed like porn was just a thing to do. I thought it was okay. I never would have thought it in a million years it would give me erectile dysfunction.

    I got my own laptop at age 15. So, I was in my room a lot, using the internet and of course... porn. It started becoming a daily thing then because it could. But it would be every day or every other day. There wasn't a huge compulsion to use it. Again, I didn't think any harm was done. Then I discovered anonymous sex sites from getting so heavily into it. Dating websites, stuff like that. One of those would lead to my first sexual encounter at age 17. It was bad. The girl gave me oral but, I couldn't feel very much. I didn't know what was happening, but that was the first time I'd ever done anything sexual, and I had a condom on, I just figured that's how it was. I wondered why people liked these things so much? I kept trying to penetrate her, but every time my erection would fade and go away before I could get in her. I didn't know what the hell was happening to me. In hindsight, I know this was PIED. I would have a lot of other sexual encounters afterwards from the anonymous websites, and the ED was always a constant problem. I had another occasion I didn't get hard at all, limp dick the entire time. Another where I was ready to go in and lost my erection as soon as I got near the entrance point. Another where I only had a half erection. So many confusing times of wondering why my dick wasn't working.

    Around this time last year I started noticing that my masturbation habits were unhealthy. My dick was starting to hurt from masturbating too much, but yet I still wanted more. I didn't know what was wrong with me. A few months later I started googling things related to masturbation and porn and came across this. And... here I am. I've known about this problem since February or so and yet I can't seem to beat it. My longest without? About 55 days. Bullshit.

    Present day. I'm in college and don't have nearly as much time to browse and do those things anymore. I have a beautiful girlfriend and she wants me badly, but every time we try to do stuff I lose my erection, despite being turned on. She knows about the problem and tries to support me. I really want to get better. But I hate this shit. I can't believe I have to deal with this for a up to year and a half.

    I lost my will today. I just had an urge and... I lost it last night, but it wasn't really porn I MO'd to. This time, it was definitely porn. But it was quick. I had a two week streak going before this. Before that, about a week of scattered relapses, and before that was the infamous 55 day streak. How set back am I? I just want to get better already!

    Also, how bad is the girlfriend sending naked pictures? I don't think I'm suppose to be looking at those :/
     
  2. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    I no longer have cravings for porn, but I'm just stuck with this damn ED that I really, really, REALLY want to get rid of. My girlfriend is really incredible and she's really into sex, I really just want to show her a good time. I've already tried ED drugs with little success. I've been eating horny goat weed for about two weeks now and have noticed improvements but still, nothing like I want. I haven't tried having sex yet since I've been eating this but I have a feeling it will be a repeat of before... erections coming and going. But I know I have libido now and not just an urge to look at porn. I have a burning desire for this girl that I know porn could never satisfy. All I can do is wait I guess. I really regret relapsing, because I had a 50 something day streak going and I lost it. I really hope I didn't go back to square one in terms of this ED but I probably did. I just wish there was some way to cure this quickly!
     
  3. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    I got my girlfriend alone last night. I took a pill just for security... and we had sex. My erection was much better than usual although still not 100% hard, enough for decent sex. I was trying to avoid O because I've had bad experience with hangover type days the next day after O-ing. But strangely enough, I'm not feeling that right now. I even got strong morning wood, and I don't usually get morning wood the next day after (P)MOing. I feel like maybe I didn't lose as much progress as I thought. I feel like she's helping me a lot in my struggle/reboot. Hopefully it won't take too long to get back to normal health. I don't want to keep relying on the pill though. I hope I don't have to keep using it but I'm afraid of not being able to preform. I don't think I can get more once I run out of these. I wonder if that horny goat weed is playing a role with the pill at all.
     
  4. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    So I got to have sex again... I think the effects of the pill might have been lingering in my system... but I'm really proud my erection was actually strong enough to have sex this time instead of just fading! Although, now I'm having the problem of PE; I only lasted like a minute or two. Is it because of my sexual inexperience or part of PIED? I've also gotten that feeling of the orgasm not being as good as porn was but I noticed the sex is better every time I try.
     
  5. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    Also, refractorary period. Does that ever go back to what it should be? I wanted to do it again and we were being sexual but I went flaccid :\ I didn't want to orgasm but I let myself do it so I could associate that orgasm feeling with sex with an actual partner, not with porn. I can't really say I have porn cravings anymore.
     
  6. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    So I had this itch to look up something sexual... just a term... and it ended up me looking up a certain star... which led to dirty pictures. I hate this fucking problem. I'm sick of this, why can't I just be normal like any other guy? This problem takes such a toll on my psych. It makes me feel like committing suicide sometimes.
     
  7. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    I was doing so good! I had such a long streak of 50 something days and then, I snapped. And then I keep going a week or two, and then relapsing, thinking nothing of it. At this rate I'll never break this. I got high yesterday (and I wasn't suppose to) and that led me to my old habits... I used to smoke and masturbate. So being high just let me let go and do it... and then of course the "I just got done doing it let me do it again" etc etc etc. Relapse, relapse, relapse. I had to reinstall Windows recently and thus no more K9. I had to replace my phone and that also fucked up my porn blocking. I really, really, really want to get straight so I can beat this ED problem. Although, I had sex the other day pretty successfully save for the PE, but then again I had taken a pill. But I tried doing it with the pill before and it didn't work, and I believe this was during my long streak. I don't know what's going on, I just want to lead a normal, healthy sex life. . .
     
  8. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    So, I relapsed. Again. And again and again and again. It's turning into that compulsive behavior it was before, masturbating but not really enjoying it anymore, and yet still being driven to do it. I don't know what's wrong. I think that sex made me really cocky that I can keep this habit up and still be able to have a healthy sex life, and I don't think that's the case. I think performance anxiety played a role in those unsuccessful attempts, but I really am tired of looking, but I don't know what to do now.
     
  9. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    I've been binging for like a week straight off and on I'm fucking sick of this! Goddamn I have no self control
     
  10. BigPete

    BigPete New Member

    Stay strong man! you said you have a beautiful girlfriend, well, do it for her then, if you can't do it for yourself! That's exactly what I'm doing! all you have to do is take it one day at a time and find other things to do instead even if it means using K9 again. In the end it's for your own good. You are obviously upset about it and aren't you tired of feeling guilty all the damn time when you do it? and tired of all the wasted time? than don't, just don't. Commit and keep trying. Tell your girlfriend if you haven't, and get support. The longer you wait and stay strong the better you are as a man to her and also in the bedroom with her, don't you want that? drive your girl crazy? porn can never replace the touch and love of a good woman, trust me I've got one and I know. Sometimes I wonder if having a penis is just a curse, but it can be a great gift if you respect it and have self respect and control. All the best.
     
  11. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    Thanks for your support, means a lot. It really is hard saying "I'll do this for her," when that primitive animalistic desire comes out all you want to do is look at porn and masturbate, quite hard to stop yourself. Hell, I've relapsed having this website open in one tab and porn in another. It's like... there's that irrational side of you that says, "Who gives a fuck? It's just another day" and there's no immediate sign of change, so you don't fully comprehend what you're doing to yourself, and there's that voice telling you to stop but you just won't listen, the rush is too much. I wish I could enjoy the forbidden fruit again, to add to the spice of life, like how billions of other people look at porn and aren't faced with sexual problems, but I guess I just have to deal with it, and accept that I've warped my sexuality forever because of bad choices, that I couldn't possibly have appreciated the impact of from their beginning.

    So I finally got back on the right path, the last time I PMO'd was on the 30th at night, wasn't even worth it. But at least having "no fap December" kind of motivates me. I know it's not necessarily the best system but the counter does motivate me. I'm hoping this is the final try and that I won't be relapsing after this. I went through a flatline of about 2 weeks, my dick was shrunken, self esteem killer, but now it's gone back to normal size. It's really interesting that stopping masturbating so much has physical changes. I really hope this is the time. I'm trying to set that "porn isn't an option anymore" mindset into my head but it's hard, I've ran into glimpses accidentally and I've been strong enough to get away from it but it just makes me wish I could go back, I wish I could have both porn and real women. But, even without the erectile dysfunction, is porn addiction something I really want in my life?
     
  12. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    I'm on day 20, I'm counting days right now because it's motivational, eventually I'm hoping I can just forget about this, but it's hard when I still keep having sexual urges, although what I like now is that they've been focused towards my girlfriend and not just sexuality/porn in general. I've already had several dreams of me watching porn though, I don't really like that, makes me feel like a real addict. I had one today. The voice got overpowered again and after I was done I was like, crap! I lost my streak... but then I woke up... and realized I was still going... but it's quite annoying. I wonder when I'll be able to look back on this whole PIED thing and laugh, right now it's just depressing reality :-\
     
  13. YesWeCan

    YesWeCan Guest

    I think your gf can really help you out with this issue. On YBOP, there are some articles on how being intimate with your gf can be immensely helpful, but you need to be having sex without orgasm (sounds odd, I know, but go to the site so you know what I'm getting at). As for the phone sexts, theoretically it's much better for you to get aroused by her actual physical body than an image of her body on your phone. You're lucky to be in a relationship with a supportive gf, so take advantage of that! Many of us don't have a partner and really have nobody to be intimate with.
     
  14. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    Yes... she's wonderful. Very supportive. I am lucky. I tried having sex last night, no drugs, to see how well it would go, I could barely get hard and even then it wasn't staying like that. So I guess I still have a long way to go. I've been trying to do the sex without orgasm thing but it's hard in the heat of the moment just to stop on a dime especially when she's begging for it. All I can do is keep waiting and hopefully I'll heal soon. She's a great influence though. That "do it for her" mindset is really starting to stick now. Just have to wait a few months I guess. I wish I could know when I'd be better but it's a strange disease...
     
  15. YesWeCan

    YesWeCan Guest

    jamesmacgarfield - I understand what you mean by heat of the moment. It'll just take time now. The true enemies here are porn, porn audio, porn literature, and basically any artificial stimulation that is not a girl or boy. Phone texts and pictures count as artificial stimulation, so try to avoid those. I think that you may be okay if you continue having sex with your gf to orgasm, but as long as that's all you're doing (maybe try avoiding masturbation and just focussing on being with your gf in person?). And then just wait - time heals. It might take many months. You can do this man! Be strong, exercise, spend lots of time with your gf and family and friends, and avoid the computer and smartphones as much as possible.

    I hope you keep us posted eventually though, a couple months from now. I'm curious to see if limiting your orgasms to sex with your gf only will eventually lead to cured ED.
     
  16. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    I've heard from different people that in the initial stage of the reboot, all orgasm must be avoided and after a while you can do it but you shouldn't do it frequently. I really appreciate the support, I am going to get through this, we are all going to get past this together but it takes a strong will and support to get past this. My girlfriend told me she'd stick with me because she knows I'm gonna get better. I feel graced to have met someone who's understanding instead of just dumping me because I can't get hard.

    Without the drugs... it was like... i only got hard when we were laying together in the bed and I was on my side. And when I went to get the condom, my erection would go away. She was giving me oral for a good amount of time and I was still barely hard. At least I know where I'm at now without the ED. I started off on porn, so I'm anticipating that around August is when I'll be good enough to fuck like I don't have a problem, or at least not as much. This sucks. I'm definitely going to warn my kids about the dangers of porn when they reach the proper age so they never have to go through this...
     
  17. jamesmacgarfield

    jamesmacgarfield Try, try, and try again.

    So I have a success story! Yesterday I had amazing sex :)

    So I've been dealing with this ED for a while now but instead of compulsively masturbating I've been able to stop for a few weeks at a time... unfortunately, I haven't had a streak longer than 55 days, so I'm not well yet. BUT... I've been able to go periods of a couple weeks. I relapsed a few times in the and finally put my foot down and put harsh filters on my phone and my laptop and hid the password somewhere hard to get to. I haven't PMO'd in about 2 weeks.

    Anyways, yesterday I took two ED pills and was able to stay hard and have great sex for hours... slowing down each time I was getting near cumming... staying hard the entire time :D with short periods of going soft but getting back hard immediately as we started kissing. We were able to switch positions and everything. It was the best sex I've ever had in my life and she said the same. I was really proud of myself. And I know taking two pills is a lot, but it's really inspiring that I was able to have sex at all. In the past I tried having sex taking one pill and I had no erection with a woman whatsoever. With my gf, after making some progress in rebooting, I took one pill in a previous session and was only getting semi-hard and fading, not staying hard with her. I tried having sex with no pill after 20 days and wasn't getting hard at all. And I know reliance on these pills can be bad, but I'm making progress! Because I keep hearing rewiring is the most important part. I don't get to see her very often, so I don't think I'm doing myself a disservice with the pills. If I keep up where I'm going, I won't need them in a few months.

    So... all I have to say is keep going... sex with the girl you love feels a million times better than masturbating to porn alone.
     

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