Again, I Need A Community to Help...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Guy_Stewart, Jun 14, 2017.

  1. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Well written, Raskolnikov! I need to work on being in the moment rather than "creating a moment of fantasy"...
  2. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    I second @Raskolnikov
    I had the same trigger before... When at home, as there is almost always someone when I get back from work, I used to MO, or even PMO (...) in toilets and/or shower... My kids and wife being just next to me behind the door ...
    Now that the cue/trigger is identified, try to remember what's a shower been built for, same for the toilets. Easier said than done I do know @Guy_Stewart, but if I'm no longer tempted to MO especially in those places, everyone can, you included. Before entering shower, remember that you'll only wash your body and get clean, and same for the toilets. Do what have have to do and get out of here. While showering, try for example to think about, I don't know, à personal or professional project, or anything which can keep your mind busy. I'm sure you'll succeed mate. Keep us posted
  3. GreyHeron

    GreyHeron Active Member

    Hi Guy, I have been reading through some of your story that I have missed. The eating in the evening is something that catches me out. For me it is often a desire to PMO being expressed in a different way, eating everything in the cupboards will not make the urge to PMO go away nor shall it edify me for resisting PMO. Doing the next right thing shall help maybe only a little bit when I want a big bit but like yeast in dough it can grow.
    At times when you are tested is it better to believe in your thinking or to believe that God has a plan for you? It is not easy to act on that belief.
  4. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Guy, great work! Month 2 underway... I'm really inspired by your resolve, and appreciate your support. You're a powerful presence here.
    Guy_Stewart likes this.
  5. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    Sorry, I missed two days -- Saturday because me, my wife, daughter, son-in-law, and foster daughter; went to the State Fair! In this state, it's a BIG DEAL! So I was gone all day, walked nine miles, then got home and collapsed in happy exhaustion...

    The next day, I slept in, went grocery shopping, mowed the lawn, and watched HIDDEN FIGURES (mostly with my wife -- not the lawn mowing though. Only one mower.

    Today, however, I start back at school. I have four more years (or so) until I retire, and I can't say that I'll regret it...this is also the time of year I get most depressed...and wonder what the heck I'm doing. IOW -- I am vulnerable right now to PMO to relieve my sadness returning to work (though I worked in a classroom for most of the summer, it's a different kind of job.)

    Anyway, here I am, seeking your support -- and offering my own to you all.

    Thanks for your positive thoughts and encouragement.
  6. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    AH! Good idea. I HAVE done that in the past, though not on purpose. I can plot my next story...thereby increasing the time I write! Thank you...
  7. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Oh...I know that was obvious to you, but it suddenly struck me as a "DUH!" my case that can be reversed as I want to stuff my face, so I go to PMO...

    Dang, we are complex creatures, aren't we?

    Thank you, sir!
  8. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    You'll be happy to know that while my shower wasn't a TOTAL success, I skipped past what has become an edging moment! Now to continue to skip it and I'll start to grow in this area.

    Keeping on the narrow path, though lately I've been getting "flashbacks" of both porn and PMO situations I got myself into. I wasn't seeking them, just something happened out in the real world that triggered the memory. It was too public to act on, but I guess I understand a little bit better how the old heroin and LSD addicts found the flashbacks as gateways back to using...

    Thanks, my friends! I'm going to go about and add my support to others' threads!
    Boxer17 likes this.
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Just a quick hello to encourage you to continue along the path. Cheers!
  10. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    Wow. Once again, wisdom. Once again, thank YOU TSN! Love ya!
  11. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    Movement "down below". Woke with a morning hardon and wasn't awake enough to NOT do a bit of stroking...nothing serious, not even flesh-on-flesh; nevertheless...I need to be more aware of myself. Surprised, I guess...

    Students coming back is always a struggle because, they are, after all, teenagers. So I kept busy and that helps. I have a new designation this year, so there's some uncertainty about what I'm supposed to be doing (though others seem to know what the job entails!) so I'm on a learning curve. Added to that is my father's "exit seeking" (never heard of the term, but it just means he constantly trying to get out of the place he lives...); and trying to place my BIL in a home (they just turned him down because they "found out" about his alcoholism...sounds fishy to me. We haven't hidden ANYTHING from them. They accepted him, then suddenly turned him down yesterday...

    The tension increases and so, my thoughts to PMO to "relieve the stress" are also increasing.

    That's why I'm here now. Asking for your positive thoughts; your insights...

    Love you all. (Really. Not just saying that as a "Sincerely, Yours" kind of thing.)
    GreyHeron and Boxer17 like this.
  12. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    I am sorry. I could explain, but no matter what I said, it would be an excuse.

    Now hold me accountable NOT to start a binge...

    So: I am here instead of there.
  13. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    I suck and I hate myself today...

    That's all.
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    That will be my mantra for today: "You can do this 1 day at a time."

    Thank you Raskolnikov
  15. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    One of the roots of my addictions -- food and pornography both -- is a sense that I wasn't loved as a kid. My parents never beat me or berated me or anything like that, it's just that what made me happy: reading, writing, making superhero costumes out of paper and carving phasers out of wood...were incomprehensible to them. So they just...didn't interact with me. As first-born boy...well, I have a picture of my at 18 months old with a little kid football helmet and shoulder pads on, a full-sized football in my hands, laughing. My mom wrote on the back of the picture, "No interest at all!"

    I hate organized sports. Always have. So, I perceived that I was a disappointment and didn't fit in (both brothers played football, as did dad. Mom was in her local high school's Girls Athletic Association; sister played volleyball and softball...) Not at all. My young self translated that into "not loved". So I turned to food. My kid pictures after 6 showed I was a total pudge. Everyone else was skinny as a rail; dad included. Mom dieted for as long as I can remember. Adolescence came and with it porn card decks, and a friend of mine had an older brother with a porn stash. He'd have me jerk him off in their bathroom. Intimate, right? He MUST love me, right?

    Porn got all tangled with food and love...and set up the habits I've struggled with since I was little (food) and 13 (porn)...

    Understanding it hasn't changed anything. But when I feel unloved -- though intellectually I KNOW I AM LOVED BY MANY PEOPLE -- I eat and PMO...

    I also KNOW I can break free. I have done it for periods of time; but then return to habit even after it should have extinguished.

    So, here I am. A hot mess (as we say in the counseling office)...

    Start again.
  16. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    "Because you share this with me, will never make me like you less, but love you more as a Brother. "

    Those words sent a thrill through me because you love me NOW, knowing all the worst about me.

    I'm going to hold on to this like a life jacket for the present. I KNOW people love me. Lots of them. But my internal excuse is that they don't "know the real me! If you did, you'd be disgusted and loathe me like I loathe myself..."

    Thank you for the hope.

    I love you as a Brother as well.
  17. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    I can't thank you enough. I've been reading a devotional book since late May. I never realized the author was writing to me...weird. Oswald Chambers wrote, for today's date, "There are things in human nature...that the saint has to destroy by neglect." In other words by NOT practicing them.

    God has healed me, He loves me. So do many people, including you -- who knows my most disgusting secrets -- so that part of me that FEELS incomplete, is in FACT, complete.

    Now I need to neglect porn. In an odd occurrence, just before I left for S Korea, I stopped playing Solitaire on my computer before bedtime. I returned to the States...and I have no desire to play it any more. My wife even commented, "It's nice to have you come to bed after you shut your computer down..."

    Hmmmm....coincidence? Nope. I've never put much trust in "coincidence"...
  18. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    Spent yesterday moving my BIL into an Independent Living apartment. Finally. He was drunk as well, but not unconscious like the last time. Also discovered the true meaning of "horrific"...had to go into the basement to find cables to connect his TV to antenna at the IL place...I didn't know that "cobwebs" were real...I've seen a mild form of them, but his basement...the basis for the stuff of nightmares.

    Ate until I felt sick last night to deal with it. How do you deal with such intense feelings except to eat, drink, or PMO? What's another way to DIRECT those feelings in a healthy way.

    I'm going to do some reading about this...

    Later, anyone who reads this.
  19. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    "you only have to be clean for 1 day, that is it. Time passes independently of us all."

    That is a POWERFUL thought. Thank you.
  20. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    "you only have to be clean for 1 day, that is it. Time passes independently of us all."

    Good thing. I am beginning again. Struggling with work because I feel like I've been side-lined by my boss. He says he has a plan and we'll talk...but it hasn't happened, so it's CLEARLY not a vital plan.

    Then again, after the devotional I just read, it boils down to how WELL will I do the job I'm given, even if it isn't what I've been doing? I'm not working for The District. Not even for My Boss. I am working for Christ and it will be to HIM that I will have to explain myself.

    Trudging on.

    Thank you Raskolnikov. Thank you for being here for me.
    Boxer17 likes this.

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