again and again

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by coffee, May 13, 2017.

  1. coffee

    coffee New Member

    Back for another round. Third account or so.

    No point in writing much, but I seem to make it further coming here.

    447th time's a charm.
    Last edited: May 13, 2017
  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Keep coming back.
  3. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Well it shows your desire to change!
    Billy B. likes this.
  4. coffee

    coffee New Member


    I made it through a day.

    Unless the tv show "Naked and Afraid" counts. I didn't jack to it.
  5. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Good move coming back sir... I have been trying to walk away from PMO for about 5 years or more... it can be a long process... but each day clean is awesome.
  6. coffee

    coffee New Member

    Yeah. My first attempt was 8 years ago. Longest I've ever made it was two months. It's fun trying.
  7. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Welcome back, Coffee. I recommend that you post in your journal as often as you can. All the best.
    Billy B. likes this.
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    How about some background or a link to your old journal?
  9. coffee

    coffee New Member

    I don't know, just can't really get enthused about writing much. I've done this all before too many times. Previous journals are pure cringe now.

    Thanks for the reply.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    How about the Reader's Digest version? You're here, right? That's a good sign, so let's all get healed together.

    I've written a number of cringe worthy things, but I get over myself quickly. ;)
    Billy B. likes this.
  11. coffee

    coffee New Member

    I'm 42, no friends, no family. Professional career, money. Tall, fit, nothing wrong with me on the outside. I'm able to have sex just fine within two weeks of quitting, oddly enough. History of extreme shyness, social phobia. Very eccentric, no commonalities with men my age. Women like me, but in a gay male friend kind of way usually.

    I feel really good when I quit for a while. I feel more social, but with nobody in my life this eventually results in just loneliness. Cravings and insomnia, all the usual. When I relapse I escalate to where there's nothing left to escalate to very quickly and stop getting any kind of a high within a few days.

    There's really no hope, so I guess I do this for the short break from feeling like shit, and then the short period where porn gets me high again? It's a theory.
  12. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    We'll see you back on 448th time, you'll notice a pattern eventually, it's called running into a brick wall again and again.
    fcjl8 likes this.
  13. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Your life situation seems difficult, Coffee. Clearly, quitting porn will only be the starting point. Have you considered doing therapy or seeking professional help?

    Regardless, welcome back Coffee.
    Billy B. likes this.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is awesome! A real positive, especially here.

    Also positive, except for the lonely part. Being lonely sucks. I was terribly lonely not long ago even though I had/have a wife. Lying together in bed was ridiculously lonely and felt like torture, because we both hated each other. Usually my wife would sleep in another room. Giving up P for good allowed me to reconnect with my wife. Recovery is an action. I'm sure you've heard that before. Duh! :) So, it's up to us to do some heavy lifting. We all find this place because we're powered down. We have brief periods of inspiration, but our habit is to retreat to the awful comfort of P.

    Chicks digging you in a gay way is probably because you're a nice guy. Have you read that book?

    I like eccentrics. I don't think I'm eccentric, but I understand the energy, I think. I can be a bit wild sometimes, though other times I feel reserved and have felt paralyzed socially before.

    Keep posting. You know the drill. We get out of recovery what we put in.

    Peace, bro.
    Last edited: May 17, 2017
    Billy B. likes this.
  15. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Not so long ago I was in a similar position to you Coffee. 9 months later and I live in a completely different universe. And when I do feel lonely I think I could get some high from watching Porn. Then I immediately remember the deep self loathing that comes after the so called 'high'. Nope not an option.

    My feeling between the lines of your writing is that you are over the PMO routine.

    The journey is completely different than what I expected. Way better than I could have imagined. Not easy that's true too.

    Mate you are in the place to get the best support imaginable.

    You are a free man :)
    Saville and Billy B. like this.
  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    This is me also, you're amongst friends here, Coffee.
    Last edited: May 18, 2017
    Saville likes this.
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    This makes sense, in a fucked up kind of way. I mean, not that you're any more fucked up than the rest of us, I just mean... that when we indulge and addiction fully we eventually get to the point where it doesn't do 'it's job' any more, that the negative consequences outweigh the reward. Then, if we abstain for a period, the rush is incredible and it probably reinforces in our subconscious the idea that by quitting, we're missing out on something, giving something up. But there's nothing to give up, mate! It's never done nothing for us that it didn't take away in the first place.
    bobjes likes this.
  18. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    What you wrote sounds very familiar for me too. I get very well how it seems that this is pointless in the end. That nothing will change. That we end up just feeling lonely in a dull life without even the occasional rush that P can give us. But you know what, I think this is just our addiction talking in our heads. It tries to rob us all other joy. Its a jealous master, or should I say a slaver. It tells us again and again to give up, by telling that there is nothing worthy in our lives, because xxx (everybody can find one or two reason to put in there) and therefore theres only this temporary relief that addiction promises us. Its a lie, we can change things. We are not just used to do, because having this comfortable route to escape every time when our issues spring forth.
    Its important not to listen to that lying voice, and just focus on the current moment, this day. Not to worry about future just now. Trying to make the best of just this day, that one would feel good about his life as best as he can. Sure there are some things, many things that you enjoy to do in your spare time? Focus on these, or resurrect some old forgotten hobbies or try something new that you have always liked to try. By filling our days in the meaningful and rewarding activities we begin to feel joy of just living, without thinking too much all the time the things we miss.
    Saville likes this.
  19. coffee

    coffee New Member

    Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. No, I've never tried therapy, but in addition to "how does that make you feel?" over and over, I'm pretty sure what the advice would be.

    A new serious attempt starts today.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Awesome bro! Now, come here everyday with this new commitment. The most important time is now. Keep the momentum.

    I don't think you need therapy. That's my opinion as a completely unqualified internet person. ;) It's chemical. Stop fapping and the brain changes. Post on other people's journey. You don't have to be healed to have valuable things to say. I sometimes wonder if I post too often, to the point where perhaps I annoy people. But, I can't think about that. Everyone's recovery matters. The old cliche about helping others helps us is TRUE! :) If you use lousy beans for your coffee than the coffee is going to suck, right?

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