After a quite clean 2019, I relapsed.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by newperson, Mar 18, 2020.

  1. newperson

    newperson Member

    It's been a long time since I don't post here.
    I'm 52. Last year I decided to do some changes in my life. I almost didn't PMO, I started going to the gym, eating healthy, intermittent fasting, etc.
    But all these were external changes. I found out that no PMO won't solve your problems, it just doesn't make it worse. If your life sucks, you have to change other things too, and usually PMO is the consequence of other problems. In my case, I have deep problems, lack of confidence, low self esteem. So I decided to start therapy a few weeks ago.
    Last year I felt a bit better with all these changes, but I felt that there wasn't more than that. Even though I was better generally, my life still sucked. I was feeling very lonely as usual and while everybody at my age had a life mine was empty.
    I got divorced 3 years ago and my ex took my kid 1000 km from where I live. My economic situation is not good so I had to go to live with my mother at her farm, which is very isolated and that made my social life worse.
    After being clean for a long time, I fell again. Being stuck at home with all the coronavirus going on and after being rejected by someone I liked made me go to my old habit.
    Before PMO I started edging without P and without O, something very risky. I also started reading some websites which said that PMO was good for you. That made me weaker till I relapsed.
    I decided to post here hoping that it will help me find the motivation to change
     
    Gil79 and axebattler like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Welcome back. How old is your kid, if I may ask? Are you and your wife divorced in good terms? I mean, do you have good contact with her and your kid, despite the distance? I hope you can find a goal in life, because without that this is really tough. Strength!
     
  3. newperson

    newperson Member

    Thanks Gil79. Today I wasn't feeling good and your reply makes me think it over before tumbling again, so those acts may look insignificant but they are important.
    Yes, the point is trying to find a goal, that'ss the key. I think I found a good therapist so, hopefully, I'll be able to find the way. Without that your are nothing. Educating well my son is a main purpose, but being so far away makes it difficult
    My kid is 14. I was going to see him soon but with the quarantine I may have to wait for a while. Unfortunately, we got divorced in not good terms. I think we were never a good couple. We lived in Buenos Aires where we were both very busy, so during the week we got on well. On the weekends when we spent time together often we had a fight. A few years ago, we both lost our jobs, so we decided to come to the rural area, close to my mother's farm. Having little money, we had to adjust our way of life. All this, plus spending more time at home. So our marriage started falling apart. Eventually, it became impossible, we went to a therapist but no success. I didn't want my kid to live all that bad atmosphere, so I decided to leave. I kept renting the house for her and my kid and I went to my mother's 40km away, but eventually, 3 years later, my ex decided to move 1000km away with my son to her boyfriend's. I could start another fight for my kid but I didn't want to make him suffer and he said it was ok for him, he just wanted to avoid fights.
    Now we do message with my ex, but only when necessary, our relation is not good.
    My kid spent (southern) summer holidays with me and told me he wanted to come back where I live. I'll give him half year to think about him and if he still wants to come I'll do waht's needed to bring him here. That will mean another unpleasant fight as my ex doesn't want anything with that.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2020
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Wow, that is really a tough and heartbreaking situation. I think that you're making the right decision to not force things at the moment and let your son decide.
     
    newperson likes this.

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