Adventures on Planet Shame

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Caesura, Jul 10, 2016.

  1. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I already have a plan; it's just a slow one.

    Pmo isn't even my biggest problem at this point. Coffee is. After I drink coffee, I have all sorts of terrible, scary side effects. Second biggest problem is probably an undiagnosed eating disorder. I'm too hungry to do anything, and I'm terrified of starving to death. My mind is trapped in a food loop.

    Nothing I can do right now except work on the eating disorder. I'm doing Intuitive Eating. When my hunger is under control, maybe I can engage myself in activity, and thereby get off the coffee.

    I still have major problems related to PMO, but they don't get better with abstinence. I need engagement and probably rewiring, but neither is possible right now. I'm just too hungry.

    I have been using fair trade/ethical porn around once or twice per week. Surprisingly, it seems to both help and hurt me. It has some after-effects, but it makes me more peaceful and reinforces my commitment to consent.

    In fair trade porn, the actresses and actors are allowed to stop a scene or a shoot at any time. They can negotiate the activities beforehand. They get paid fairly, etc. It's more consensual, and my brain is responding to that by sexualizing consent.

    However, I can tell that it makes me less aroused by real women.

    It's not as good as staying off PMO, but my abstainer is exhausted right now. I used it up on all those years of passive abstinence. If I had stopped dieting when I first quit porn, I think I'd be recovered now. The eating disorder is my root problem, I think.
     
  2. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Just stopping by for a quick check-in. My coffee drinking has improved some lately. It was one cup a day, now it's half a cup. I am getting more resilient too, but I'm still in a lot of pain, and I'm fairly helpless.

    Partly, that job I had before just knocked the piss out of me. I'm still recovering from it.
     

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