Adventures on Planet Shame

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Caesura, Jul 10, 2016.

  1. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Watched P for around 20 minutes, then edged for a while, then PMO'd. Wow. I don't really know what to do. I'm gonna keep doing the active coping, but... it sure is taking its toll.
  2. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Haven't watched P for a bit. I've been coping with stress very consistently, and it feels like it's paying off. I've also been using my creativity a lot in small ways. But my caffeine use is still high.
  3. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man,

    Thanks for your message on my journal.

    Sounds like your doing well! And yeah being creative is great :) keep it up man!
    Caesura likes this.
  4. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Yesterday, I got buzzed on alcohol for the first time in many years. It was just one can of beer, but my meds amplify the effect. I regret to say that I'll probly be an alcoholic soon, and it'll end with losing my job.

    I want more beer this morning, and I'm asking myself, "Do I need to drive anywhere today?"

    I also PMO'd twice. I signed up for a free trial on a porn site, and went exploring. One important thing to note: when I use porn that I know is NOT pirated, it makes me feel less entitled, guilty, and angry. I also seem to be less interested in escalating it.

    Because of this, I think I will pay for the site when my trial is over. I've never bought porn in my life, and maybe that actually worsened the problem.

    I'll still try to keep it to a minimum.
  5. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Hey man,

    Do you think paying for a porn site is a good idea? Is that not moving in the wrong direction?

    Just a thought.
  6. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Idk man. We'll see. So far I feel less entitled doing it that way, which is amazing for my mental health.
  7. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Ok then bud, we’ll i would just say think long and hard about this before you start paying for it because I think we are all here to break free from the negatives of porn.
  8. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I've spent a few weeks thinking about it, I just didn't post about those thoughts. I've made my decision.

    I'm here to break free from addiction and corruption--even if doing so requires unconventional or risky methods. I've been trying to recover for 5 years, and it hasn't been working. I need to think outside the box.
  9. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Doing very badly atm. I haven't really been using porn more than usual, and when I do use it, it's not as distressing. But I bit off more than I could chew with my job, and I'm going to have to quit.

    Also, I've been facing some of my fears, and that has had unexpected effects. It makes me tired and depressed, because those fears are part of my identity. I feel awful.
  10. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    Why are you going to have to quit?

    Is it not something you can keep trying to get to grips with? Do they offer support or training?
  11. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    It's just too much for me right now, and it's drained me so bad that I need to quit and rest for a while. I knew from the beginning that the hours and the type of work were a bad idea, but I felt rushed into it by the people helping.

    It's very hot work, and almost full-time. My meds interact with heat. My doctor agreed that it was sending me in a bad direction.
  12. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    I'm still failing. No progress on changing my lifestyle. I'm facing my fears and obsessions one by one, but there are so many, and they're dragging me down.

    I don't see this having a good ending.

    I drank coffee today. Every time I drink it, my cognition and memory get worse. Not to mention the arrythmias. I feel like I have dementia at this point. I'm having trouble speaking long sentences.

    I started this life with a brilliant mind and a good heart--but I can't stop myself from destroying them. I'm hellbent on self-destruction; it's not even about the pleasure.

    And if I tell anyone about it, the idiots mostly say, "What's wrong with coffee? It never hurt anyone." Which just feeds the demon within me.
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2018
  13. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Feeling somewhat better today, but still worried. I need to stop pushing myself so hard. All it does is stress me out.

    Sorry if my last post implied that any of my readers were idiots... I'm just really frustrated with people not understanding how sensitive my body is to coffee and the severity of my addiction to it.

    When I try to talk about that, people feel like their own coffee habit is being challenged or threatened, so they defend my addiction as an indirect way of defending their own.
  14. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    This is an interesting philosophy. 3 modes. Why 3? And should you not put them in order - 3,1,2 - or at least elaborate on them. I like the approach, it gets me thinking, but it's not finished yet. What do you think?
  15. Richard117

    Richard117 New Member

    Get a porn blocker bud. I recommend FocusMe. It has a forced mode on it so u can't unblock it.

    Good luck
  16. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    3 modes because I have not identified any other relevant modes. I don't seem to have a mode where I only cope in healthy ways. That's because of poor self-regulation, which will be a difficult thing to fix; it'll be a long-term problem.

    And I put them in the order that they occurred, starting before I found YBOP.

    In other news, I'm doing my best to cope, but I keep using caffeine. I also vaped for the first time today! Not good. Haven't used nicotine in years.

    My healthy coping fell off for a few weeks. I still haven't acquired that skill, but it's probably doable. I'm going to destress and rejuvenate myself as much as possible today.

    My memory is extremely poor right now, and my fluid intelligence is low. I continue to have trouble speaking clearly.
  17. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Still drinking coffee pretty much every day. It's wrecking my brain. My brain was so beautiful once... there's barely anything left of it now.

    I'm fairly helpless, but still facing my fears some.
  18. Caesura

    Caesura Member

    Haven't posted anything in a long time. Nothing has changed, really. Just a gradual decline in my mind and body from stress.

    I'm disappointed in the vicious sexism and prejudice in the anti-porn community. But I also hate the overzealous, naive, authoritarian leftism I see on Facebook.

    Where is my tribe? Where are the people like me? I don't know. Maybe they don't exist.
  19. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Where's my tribe?! Ha! I like that one. I think you will find your tribe soon. When you open up the mind and body it will find it's path. On the path will be your tribe. I am on my path and finding much insights, but 'THE' tribe has not presented itself on my path. It will come. Maybe today, maybe later. Remain open and it will come to you.
  20. Achilles12393

    Achilles12393 Member

    I’m gonna be honest. Just say fuck it and get rid of all electronics. Take the most drastic of measures. Get acquainted with your neighbor, like real acquainted, that way if you have an urge to go to a club or worse a sex shop that you can just say, “hey man, can you hold onto my keys for a bit.” Do whatever you can. I’ve been there, I’m still there. But the only success I’ve had is through drastic measures. At least initially. You can reintegrate some of the stuff back in to your life as you gain sobriety. That’s my two cents at least..

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