Greetings, I am 30 years old. Literally since I was 13 years old, I started watching erotic video tapes. After a few months, I got a computer and started watching porn. At the same time I was playing computer games and gambling from that age. As you understand, my whole life began to take shape "virtually". I had no emotional connection to girls, socially I didn't meet anyone, but just kept masturbating regularly to porn and playing computer/gambling. My grades at school started to drop drastically, I got sociophobic and tried to avoid school because I felt very insecure (not understanding what the problem was at the time). I spent 90% of my time at the computer. When I went to university, my life was not like regular students. I played at the casino every day and jerked off to porn all the time. Already at the age of 16-18 I was watching porn with violent scenes, which are immoral for normal people, but I was most turned on by it. Classic videos of regular sex - gave my dick almost no erection. Already in my 1st or 2nd semester, I was doing very poorly in my studies and left the institute for 1 year. All that time I was gambling a lot at the casino and jerking off. I started to have gambling problems, I was in a web of addiction daily and endlessly, being alone with myself. No, I had companions and friends, but most of my time was devoted to my "passions. When I was 25 or 26 years old, I first started watching very strange porn that didn't match my orientation and it gave me a shock because I got turned on by it. I did it for a while and felt a lot of resentment toward myself for my horrible actions. Then I started satisfying myself through my prostate. At one point, I just started sobbing and realized that I was hopeless, completely isolated from normal life. I also had a gambling problem, I was betting really big and NEVER being able to stop, ever. In real life and since I was a teenager, I always liked girls and never had an attraction to the male sex, it was repulsive to me, while at the same time, I monstrously blamed myself for masturbating to extreme types of porn. I couldn't understand then why I always had a neutral attitude towards real girls unlike other guys my age, I was stupid and didn't understand anything... For over a year now, I haven't watched hardcore porn, except for porn with girls. Now, I haven't been in gambling for over a year now, but porn has been with me the whole time. About a year ago, I started exercising, quit smoking, minimized alcohol, but I didn't understand why I want girls but I don't have an erection. For more than 10 years I have social anxiety, I avoid people. Outwardly I am a good-looking, tall man, but inside society I am very uptight, uptight and always did not understand what was going on with me. I never visited a psychiatrist because I didn't create any danger for people. I took many psychological tests and didn't see any personality disorder there, other than an exaggerated anxiety about anything. I'm 30 years old now and I really want to live a full life, I'm tired of fooling myself and giving in to the temptation to live virtually. I haven't had morning erections in over 10 years, I have them about once a month. Now, for about 2 weeks I don't watch any porn or masturbate. I have the intention to get rid of it once and for all and have a happy life. Any feedback would be appreciated...
Keep going and don't quit. Are there any medications in your history that could be causing underlying problems?
Greetings! Thanks for the feedback! I don't remember there being any medication that would affect my addiction. I used to get bronchitis a lot, but nothing more than that.
