Acted out with shemales twice

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Overcoming hell, Jun 4, 2021.

  1. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    4 years ago I acted out with shemales on two separate occasions within a month of eachother. I only received oral sex both times. Both times I was heavily on cocaine and alcohol. I didn’t even watch shemale porn except for the times I was on coke and I do realize that was a trigger for those actions. Since then I’ve more or less been haunted and even crushed by those events. I have zero attraction to trans women normally and even when I received the oral there was a very disgusting undertone to the whole thing. Those shemales haunt me to the point where I’m a little transphobic not from a hateful perspective but more from the trauma I brought on myself. I’ve never been able to regain full confidence in myself or completely overcome the shame of those actions. While I know porn and drugs caused me to act out of character , I’m aware I did these actions in real life and that scars me. These were dark, deviant, self-destructive actions and I very much want to be able to truly regain all my confidence and self respect but I almost feel the same way I would if I was a child molester or a rapist as those actions define you and no matter how much healing there is you will always bear the consequences.
    Raymond likes this.
  2. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    Yep, getting a suckjob from a consenting adult is exactly comparable to molesting a child, or raping someone. I think a lot of people on this site have to SERIOUSLY get a goddamn grip on reality. These posts come up now and then on here..."I banged a fuckin shemale, and it destroyed my life", take a look in the mirror. Imagine that other person that sucked you off read this post. How would that make them feel?...Well i can assure you that transgender people have made it to these boards now and then seeking help over the years, but I've never seen one openly post....I wonder why?

    I'd like to think we have an inclusive type of forum here (i know this isn't true), where ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE can come to deal with the issue of porn addiction. Because these are people, you know. If I started going off on here about what I think of religious people, or other quadrants of society, it (rightly) wouldn't be tolerated. If I compared catholicism to child rape, for instance, well......uh, nevermind...bad example.

    I'd feel much less "dirty" getting a suckjob from a transgender person than sitting in a pew next to a number of the people on these boards. Neither sounds greatly appealing, but given the choice....

    I'm about as far from a white knight, woke weirdo as they come, but posts like this are gross and shouldn't be tolerated.

    edit: The first sentence dawned on me. 4 YEARS AGO?....4 F---ING YEARS AGO?....You are right. You do have some problems, but this ain't it.
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2021
    jack91 and niskanen91 like this.
  3. Raymond

    Raymond New Member

    Oh come on.

    In Acient Rome the high end people had giant male, female and shemale orgies.
    Nobody was ever ashamed

    Celeberties have had sex with shemales at the time they where dating a model.

    You did nothing illigal or weird.

    Yeah it doesn't correspond with the masculine society, but it doesn't exist anyway.
    niskanen91 likes this.
  4. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    It’s nothing against trans people in general it’s the fact that me a “straight” male reached such a level of depravity that I did something I regret 4 years later. Twice! For instance if I got drunk and let my dog lick my balls Id be mortified it’s nothing against my dog it’s the fact that I did something unnatural (for me) and out of character. Even you just said “neither sounds greatly appealing.” Does that make you a hateful bigot or someone who simply isn’t into that? I personally feel it was an act field entirely by negativity not one thing positive leading up to it or after. It’s like thee equivalent of doing a sex act for heroine. Two consenting adults just having fun right? Nothing transgressive or psychologically damaging in that right? I get where you’re coming from but I feel like you’re only seeing things from a “woke” perspective and can’t understand how something like this can damage someone
  5. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    I appreciate the reassurance. I did do something illegal because they were hookers. I feel it was weird because I’m not attracted to them and still got head from them. If I was gay or even just attracted to trans women for real it would be different but just the thought of that makes me sick. I don’t want to come across as Phobic or hateful it is just not my preference. That being said I’m sure my shame and regret comes across as “insensitive” but honestly it’s just a hard pill to swallow knowing I allowed to do something that’s affected me so negatively years later. No matter what I achieve I feel like this is a gray cloud keeping me from fully being myself again. In this context it was a weird “beta” move as it stemmed from lack of judgement and desperation.
  6. Doper

    Doper Well-Known Member

    I can assure you, that if a completely straight, mentally healthy, non-religious male that was confident in his sexuality got a couple suckjobs from some trans hookers 4 YEARS AGO....he would have got over it a long time ago. Probably by the time the hangover wore off he would be 80% better.
    It wouldn't "haunt" him, he wouldn't make his username "Overcoming hell", in obvious reference to this. He may consider a hiatus on blow and booze, but he sure wouldn't feel like a child rapist 4 years later. Those issues are summoned by greater pathologies.

    Life is hard, if this knocks you as hard as it has, what happens when some REAL SHIT happens. Get over it and move on.
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2021
  7. Raymond

    Raymond New Member

    Ok so you did somthing out of the box you where not comfortable with.

    Then you will probably not do it again, or maybe you will.

    It doesn't matter in the end.

    You did not harm anyone.

    There where German Nazi's who worked at concentration kamps during WOII and after the war they got a different identity and lived happy lives and became grandfather's.

    That's a whole lot worse then getting a blow job from a shemale prostitute.
    Alfie and niskanen91 like this.
  8. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    It is what it is man.

    Your choices are: work through it, or don't and suffer.

    I do understand why you feel how you feel. Our society and minds are set up in such a way that we are implicitly repulsed by fringe sexualities such as homosexuality, trans topics and incest - for better or for worse - I'm not here to make that argument.

    You're the only person that has to live in your skin. Choose to recognize your animal side, don't ignore it, the more you ignore it the worse things will be. Learn about your shadow (Jung).
    Overcoming hell and Deleted User like this.
  9. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    I understand where your coming from and I mostly agree. It’s just personally for me it was an experience that damaged me a bit mentally, I really have made a lot of positive steps since. I probably should have used less extreme descriptions. I only consider it a hell is because nothing has haunted me for so long , even if it’s just in the back of my mind.
  10. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    Obviously this is true. I think my biggest issue is restoring my self image in my head completely as the more time goes on and I better myself the more this feels like a stain on my life. Something so avoidable. I know I chose to do drugs and alcohol and look at porn and make careless decisions. I’ve learned from them but the experience is still sickening.
  11. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    Very good way to put it. I’m glad some people can understand where I’m coming from and don’t see this as some bigoted rant. As a heterosexual male an experience like that is a hard one. After quitting drugs and porn and having clearer thoughts it’s like being hit all over again with an even stronger realization of what I did. It does in a way make me feel like less of a man. I’d really just like to regain myself respect and maybe some insight so I can look at it in a way where I don’t have it in the back of my mind anymore.
  12. Raymond

    Raymond New Member

    Maybe try to use less of the words that make everything look so defining.

    Instead you can of course be 'sad' and 'unfortunate' these events happened.
  13. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    I don't know, I don't like seeing this place be so hard on people trying to work through this stuff. None of this is easy to navigate, and the places to figure it all out are few, even in the expanses of the internet.

    If a guy realizes that addiction and wreckless behavior led him to do things he wasn't proud of and wants to share it on a board with fellow addicts/former addicts, he shouldn't have to worry about a PC mine field. Someone can be 100% on board with all of this politically, have a rainbow flag hanging from their car and everything, and still regret having a knobjob from a transwoman/man because he knows it wasn't what was best for him. If you partake in a sexual activity that is outside your natural inclinations, it is going to maybe be a thrill at the time, but very likely followed up by all sorts of sadness and confusion. Yes, comparison to rape diminishes the horrors of rape, but I see what he's saying - he has a sexual memory that he recalls with disgust. I don't think there is a good vocabulary for this phenomenon where someone keeps going down a porn induced rabbit hole and hits a point where they're disgusted with themselves; again, rape is the wrong word, but in the absence of good words, sometimes we have to use bad ones.

    If you go on Twitter you'll see activists insisting that lesbians are just TERFs (trans-exclusionary radical feminists - a catch-all term for women that the transwomen activists don't like) because they refuse to have sex with transwomen, and since transwomen are women (as they say) they MUST be attracted, or else they're homophobic. The problem is that none of this is true - a lesbian is attracted to women, a man with a wiener who identifies as a woman is not attractive to a lesbian. It isn't political. It is just their attraction. For the OP, this is clearly something that was well outside his natural sexual proclivity and it was disturbing to him. Maybe for some here there is literally nothing outside their natural sexual proclivities, and to you... well, good for you. But, I think for many, even if getting a knobjob from a transwoman sounds like a good weekend, there must be SOMETHING you can imagine that would leave you feeling the same way. Something you saw in porn that grossed you out and that you could've tried and felt awful about after. Think long and hard and you'll come up with something.

    Someone trying to prove they aren't transphobic by pretending to be attracted or comply with sexual actions is silly. It is like that episode of the The Office where Michael tries to show he isn't homophobic by kissing Oscar. It is entirely okay to be uncomfortable with sexual acts outside your normal attraction. It shouldn't be confused with developing a sexual morality, which is about the use of the human body and to what ends sexual function should serve. Being grossed out by a different kind of sex doesn't make you blank-phobic any more than getting sick on Chinese food makes you racist.

    To the OP, none of this defines you. That is why we have these boards, that is why addiction recovery exists, and that is why these are mostly anonymous.

    (All this said, transwomen are disproportionately in sex work and are being exploited - usually the "violence" statistics cited by the activists are a result of sex work, not everyday living as trans - so it is possible that mentioning rape isn't quite as far off as we think, but we don't know. Maybe the OP doesn't even know.)
  14. Raymond

    Raymond New Member

    I think the people in this thread are trying to put things into perspective for the topic writer.

    Having this devastating mantra to yourself is not going to help you get forward.
    What will it help you by calling it rape? Then you will go: "Oh my God I have been raped!", trough your head.
    While rape has a lot worse emotions connected, such as force and helplessness.

    I do not know where you are trying to get at with the rest of your post.

    And overall I think it's to short to blame porn.
    It's a real man thing to do, like X got me to do Z, and now I am going to do Y to solve the problem.

    Emotions and sex do not operate in the sense of relativating.
  15. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    Well, the OP never said:
    He actually said:
    First difference: he isn't claiming to be raped, he is putting himself in the shoes of the rapist. Second difference, he is clearly using an analogy, not trying to define what he did/what happened as rape. Note he said "almost" and "the same way I would"... he's using an extreme example to describe how he's feeling. It strikes me as a classic example of hyperbole. Given the gravity of rape as a subject matter it may be an inappropriate use of hyperbole, but it is clearly hyperbolic nonetheless.

    I might say one day that I stepped on a cockroach and felt kinda bad. I might say "I almost feel like a murderer". Someone might respond "Then you will go: 'Oh my God I have been murdered!".... see the difference?

    I have no idea what that means.
    Overcoming hell likes this.
  16. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    you understand where I’m coming from. For instance I don’t think prostitutes are bad people or people who see them, personally for me that is a transgressive act that I’d be and am ashamed of. Even more so the trans thing. Bad enough I have no attraction to them and would never date one, so I essentially used a person as a cum reseptical which is gross but then I also violated myself and destroyed every standard I’ve ever set for myself. The actions I did were on drugs and also a bottom of the barrel desperation to enhance my sensation of being so high. I can honestly say if I wasn’t on drugs that never would have happened but porn also was a deadly combo.I couldn’t find a natural female at the time and porn had twisted this image of trans women to where I said screw it.

    That being said I’m not homophobic or transphobic I just am not into it at all. I didn’t even look at or touch the trans persons dick and anal sex even with a woman is off putting to me. I basically got what for me was rock bottom sexual gratification because I was so desperate for a higher dopeamine high. That being said my only goal is to regain a positive self image and respect for myself as a man. I have stopped those habits and have made a lot of headway since but I’ve never truly been able to put it as water under the bridge. A small part of me is even worried that if I ever become visible in the public that one of them might come out and try to associate those things with me if they remember then every women I date for the rest of my life will have doubts that I’m secretly gay or something. Sounds like a bad twilight zone episode. Appreciate the understanding though, sorry for ranting.
  17. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    I just meant the sense of being involved in an unwanted sexual encounter even if it was technically by my own skewed judgement. Rape victims are infinitely more affected than me and I’m not comparing this to them directly. Porn absolutely is a major factor to blame. Anyone who believes porn doesn’t drastically affect people negatively who watch it on a regular basis is sorely mistaken. Porn is a drug and doing it while abusing a drug like cocaine is truly a recipe for destruction, I know first hand. I realize what caused me to do what I did and obviously how to avoid it again, my issue is healing from the damage done and gaining self respect. Also getting over the fear of some how having those events come back to haunt me.
  18. Raymond

    Raymond New Member

    I thought he felt he had been raped, but in this instance he felt like the rapist, my bad.
    A rapist violently forces a person to have involuntarily sexual acts.
    In this instant, by far, being a rapist does not apply.

    Having such powerful mantra's to yourself, such as being a rapist for instance, is really going to unnecessary hold you down for any positive future experience.

    I assume the shemale prostitutes where paid for and I think prostitution should be legal everywhere.
    Al tough trans people sometimes unfortunately operate as prostitutes in unsafe situations, it is also less likely form them to a decent 9-5 job and would have a decent income anywhere else.
    In my country prostitution is legal and trans people can at least gain an independent income in a relative safe environment.

    What I mean is that if self- confidence is low and you feel sad for instance that's an emotion, you actually more easily resort to porn for and other sexual escape for instance.
    So it might be the other way around, not the addiction makes you do this kind of sexual escapes but the low self-esteem makes you search for sexual escape.
  19. Overcoming hell

    Overcoming hell New Member

    this situation happened years ago. I have changed my ways and mostly stopped porn maybe once on a while I’ll have a slip up but def not anything like it was. My main issue is overcoming the shame of how I acted in the past and putting it completely behind me. I feel like those actions were very detrimental and for lack of a better word beta and in the back of my mind those things really eat at me as like a permanent blemish on my sexuality . Knowing how embarrassed I’d be if people knew this about me makes me feel like somewhat of a fraud as well. I don’t believe these feelings to be phobic but rather a self realization as to who I am and want to be perceived as.
  20. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    Have you talked to anyone about this prior to posting here? Sometimes I wonder if it is the experience of something that is hurting us, or the secrecy part of it. Of course I'm not saying that you should call a meeting at work and tell the story or tell all your friends and family, that's just weird. That is the beauty of sites like this. Or, a handful of therapy sessions if that's your thing and it is affordable.

    To offer a slightly tamer version of what Doper says, you always have the option of saying to yourself "I was young and stupid, did some crazy stuff, but now I know better and don't do that $*#^ anymore." Personally, I regret the years and years I spent with porn, but I also am thankful that I came out of it and as a result of being on both sides of the porn addiction world I see the world much more clearly than many others. I have to choose my words carefully because it can sound self aggrandizing, but others who have quit know what I mean. You can recognize porn causing these problems all over the place, and since it only gets worse and no one talks about it, you can find yourself recognizing it before anyone else in the room. I don't have to take anyone's word for it because I know.

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