4 years ago I acted out with shemales on two separate occasions within a month of eachother. I only received oral sex both times. Both times I was heavily on cocaine and alcohol. I didn’t even watch shemale porn except for the times I was on coke and I do realize that was a trigger for those actions. Since then I’ve more or less been haunted and even crushed by those events. I have zero attraction to trans women normally and even when I received the oral there was a very disgusting undertone to the whole thing. Those shemales haunt me to the point where I’m a little transphobic not from a hateful perspective but more from the trauma I brought on myself. I’ve never been able to regain full confidence in myself or completely overcome the shame of those actions. While I know porn and drugs caused me to act out of character , I’m aware I did these actions in real life and that scars me. These were dark, deviant, self-destructive actions and I very much want to be able to truly regain all my confidence and self respect but I almost feel the same way I would if I was a child molester or a rapist as those actions define you and no matter how much healing there is you will always bear the consequences.