Accepting Responsibility

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by path-forward, Jul 17, 2022.

  1. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @Saville. Your advice, as always, is very on point. And I 100% agree with you. But right now, its tough for my wife - as that approach leaves her feeling very sexually frustrated herself. But she may come around to that approach. But right now, I am trying to be sensitive to a new situation for her.
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  2. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Thinking good thoughts for you, path-forward. The hardest part of all this is consistency. The resolve to say no when autopilot is desperately trying to grab the controls is elusive sometimes.
    Yes, the P-peeking does have to stop. P-subs too. In that order, but they're both important.
    It may not seem like it, but you are doing well. Dust yourself off and stay away from chasers. Your last post will tell you how you'll feel if you go there. That "1" you'll see on your counter tomorrow will feel a whole lot better than another goose egg :)
    And yeah, go niners! Though I don't really follow the NFL the way I used to, it's still fun to root for the ol' team.
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  3. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Mozenjo Really appreciate the encouragement. Has been a tough day for me. But I’m ready to embrace this journey with even more resolve.
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2022
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  4. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    So tomorrow my counter will be back at 1 day. After my first 100 days of no PMO and no MO.

    Today, I have felt strong feelings of both anger and resolve. Anger that I committed a crime against my own soul. And resolve - to never forget this feeling of anger - so that I am so much stronger the next time I have an incredibly rough day emotionally.

    I want to believe there is a blessing to my failure. As I now I fully understand how much it hurts to fall victim to my addiction - after thinking I had beat it. Going 100 days was a very new experience for me - as I had never really focused on 100% abstaining from PMO before.

    I’m back on this journey with added strength and conviction of its importance.
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I crashed and burned after three years of being clean. All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the program. This next week will be the hardest. The chaser effect is real and it's an expert at making us throw up our hands and say "fuck it!"

    Honestly, I wondered how long you'd last, especially given that you are not having sex with your wife. Unless she's got cancer (heaven forbid) or MS or something equally daunting, then she should be putting out. I'm sure that sounds insensitive, but I'm just writing about how I personally feel, ok? :) When my wife complained about sex hurting, lack of lubrication (because she in her 60's too), I finally said "well, what are you going to do about it?" Of course, she retreated to where all women go when challenged on their lack of effort with regards to the bedroom: she deflected it onto me. I was told that "you don't understand what it like to be a woman," "I've got feminine issues," "this is my cross to bear," etc. It is the tried and true method of making a man feel guilty for wanting to be intimate with his SO. And, of course, she brought up a few of the things that annoyed her about me, such as not helping enough. It's all noise, it's all blah, blah, blah. Now I'm well into my 60's I'm ok with banging once every two weeks, but I'm never going back into that sexless zone.

    Anyway, I didn't let any of her complaints or barbs affect me. I thought "ok, the old girls dry, what can we do about that?" I searched the internet and found out that coconut oil works wonderfully. So now before we have sex she lathers up my rod and I do the same to her pussy. It's fun and it works!

    It's easy for people to cocoon themselves when they don't feel great but giving up on intimacy is a mistake. Intimacy is something that stimulates all the good stuff, including the healing hormones and chemicals. My two cents worth.
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  6. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @Saville As always - thanks for your very candid and impassioned response on my behalf! And most importantly, your strong instinct to come to my defense. All much appreciated!

    And I fully understand and generally agree with your sentiments about one’s wife being available for sex. My wife would normally agree as well. In fact - when we got married - she offered that it is a wife's responsibility to satisfy her husband sexually and vice versa. We had a great sex life for many years until PIED F---ed things up for both of us. She almost never said no to sex. And she tried very hard to fix things for a while, before starting to feel I had lost my attraction to her - which made things even worse.

    With my No PMO streak - she was the one who first tried to "seduce" me during my streak to see how I was doing - patiently taking the time to get me excited, even if I wasn't fully hard - so that we could have PIV sex.

    But without getting into too much personal details, her health situation is serious and requires the care of a medical specialist. It is new territory for both of us. I have mentioned my sexual frustration and that we needed to figure something out. And that I did not want to go back to masturbation again. She is a very smart, sweet girl. I am very hopeful, that she will reach a compromise that works for both of us. I just want to give her some time - in the same way she has been extremely patient and loving with my PIED and Porn addiction in general.

    In regard to the "chaser" affect - so far I have had literally ZERO desire for PMO. I have actually never felt more disgust for it, given how angry I am at myself for breaking my streak. I think the fact I did not take ED meds that day and was not fully hard during the PMO time period - also helped me to understand how much I needed to stop PMO in order to fix my PIED and DE. I am very healthy and at 61 - should be able to get hard on my own. I think my very stressed state of mind during PMO definitely affected my arousal as well.

    I want to remember my recent PMO experience in great detail - so I can recall how deeply unsatisfying and self-loathing it felt.

    As I said in my last post, I am hoping my relapse was a blessing in a way: building a stronger foundation of resolve to beat my addiction going forward.
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2022
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  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm older than you and I get erections without problem now. You have lots of good sex ahead! :)
    path-forward likes this.
  8. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Great to know @Saville PERFECT words to hear for extra encouragement! Thank you for your many sage insights!
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  9. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Feeling better educated about myself….

    I was reading about the medical team helping my wife. One of the doctor’s nurse practitioners is extremely attractive. I found myself about to instinctively google her - to find additional photos of her on social media.

    But I stopped myself.

    no P subs for this man!

    I am addict, and I will do whatever I can not to feed the beast any pixel relief.
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  10. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Was thinking about my wife’s health situation tonight.

    For literally about 3 to 5 seconds, I told myself how much easier it would be to hide my pain in the cesspool of porn addiction.

    But I want to be better than that!

    I want to be there to support my wife. And be the best version of myself for my own emotional support.

    we will get through this. and porn will not be my outlet for survival.

    I will repeat my healthy outlets from a post I made on Moz’s thread today:

    1. I have embraced reading books again after many years of stopping

    2. I have pushed myself athletically - going beyond my normal comfort zone in how I approach working out, yoga, golf , stretching, hiking, tennis, etc. but trying not to injury myself! Lol.

    3 more time listening to and exploring music and watching “good” movies

    4 journaling here has been vital

    5 more focus on a healthy diet

    6 reaching out to family and friends more proactively (so so important!)

    To beat this addiction - we need to make new lifestyle choices, that make us feel better about our selves.
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2022
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  11. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    So the “new” No PMO and no MO streak is going very well at day 5!

    Tho I looked at some stuff that is arguably P sub last night. So for self-discipline’s sake - I’m resetting my date for subs.

    Happily peeking is not remotely a thought right now.

    Due to her health problems, my wife and I had agreed, that it was OK for me to try MO.

    Last night I told her it had led to my PMO session last Sat. (the first time I had tried MO in 100 days) and that it is not healthy for me. Too much temptation and will also affect my PIED and DE.

    She just listened and nodded - sweetly saying “babe - whatever you think is best for you”

    God bless her! I could not ask for less judgement. She really appreciates my efforts - and feels terrible given her own health issues are currently precluding PIV for us.

    Sorry to brag -but she is also very intelligent, feminine and attractive. Just wanted to give a shout out to my wife! Her support has been very helpful to me. And ofc this forum has also been instrumental in supporting my desire to stop PMO and MO.

    Btw - While I am not religious, she is an evangelical Christian. She prides herself on being forgiving - which during our 10+ year marriage -I have def needed to utilize many times. Lol.

    keeping focused! And staying on the right path!
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2022
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  12. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    I'm glad your wife is so supportive of you, path-forward! My fiancée is also religious (I am not), and I suppose I attribute her desire to try again with me to her convictions. At least partly.
    Glad you're staying on the right path!. Today begins Day 5 for me, so we're pretty much on the same track. I'm also committed to staying really clean. It's all about staying away from the subs now. Try not to let them sneak back in!
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  13. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately my wife and I had a very big fight yesterday. Since happily resolved.

    But I was left with a lot of alone time during our fight - and happily I did not even touch my computer. Worked out, watched a movie and read. No subs, peeking etc.

    My healthy reaction to intense relationship stress was a big step for me. Feels great!
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2022
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great work!
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  15. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Yeah, this is super important. Not letting any of the millions of things that can be used as excuses to go there again is essential. You're doing great!
    path-forward likes this.
  16. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Wow! Last night was a very SPECIAL time in my life!

    My wife and I - for a variety of reasons - have been having some periods of very high marital tension - some related to how to deal with her health issues, some related to how I have been acting, life style preferences, etc.

    So we went to bed in a relatively “cold state” and she had earlier in the day made it clear she was not feeling sexual - despite her health issues having quieted down.

    but she asked me if I would spoon her because she was having trouble sleeping. Hopefully not too much detail - but neither one of us wear underwear when sleeping.

    Well…. For the first time in a very very long time - I started to get a bit hard as her butt rubbed against me. And she softly said it was turning her on - which in the past was affirmation for me to do whatever I would like. So I took the opportunity - getting fully hard as I realized how ready she was.

    AND for the first time in more than 7 years!!!


    and even more surprisingly, it only took a few minutes.

    both of us were so shocked and excited by this, that it was a deeply loving moment.

    she admitted how much she had missed the sex life we used to have - and how foundational she thought it was to our relationship. (My wife is in her mid 40s and has always had a relatively high libido.)

    it’s hard to express how happy and thankful all of this made me! And my wife emphasized how proud she was of all my efforts - acknowledging that she knew it was a very hard fight for me.

    I hadn’t come that easily in literally almost 30 years.

    Clearly it has helped, that except for my one MO episode about a week ago, it has been a month since I had an orgasm.

    as I had hoped, her health issue preventing sex was somewhat of a blessing - as it gave me much more time to build up sensitivity.

    we were like teenagers today! We literally started having sex again in the kitchen during the afternoon - and it carried over to our bed. Tho while I was fully hard -I wasn’t able to come again that soon. But my wife was incredibly excited by my improvement - and emphasized that there was no need to push things in regard to trying to come PIV again so soon. I passed on other methods - and we agreed to try again soon.

    she also admitted my sexual performance made her feel much better about herself - as her health issues have contributed to her gaining some extra pounds recently. I made it clear to her - that she looked as hot as ever to me.

    I can’t thank everyone on this forum enough - who has provided me so much support, encouragement and wisdom! I would not have reached this point without my brothers on this forum!

    And special thanks to @Saville for his consistent encouragement that my sensitivity would come back over time. That perspective has been incredibly helpful to me - in finding the strength to work even harder in regard to my abstinence.

    I know I still have a lot of work cut out for me. And that this is a lifelong fight. But its truly miraculous to see such progress since I started on June 1. It also supports the theory that I read on Reddit - that binging only once after a relatively long streak (100 days in my case) - only affectively “sets you back” a few weeks. You just need to fight the urge to embrace your moment of weakness - and continue down unhealthy paths.

    I also can not emphasize enough the importance of journaling and being active on the forum. It has truly sustained me on this journey.

    thanks again to everyone who has offered their support and understanding during my new journey! I truly feel more alive!!
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2022
  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    My friend, this is incredible news!

    Not surprising, because I believe in the process, but how wonderful! Happy dancing for you, even though when I dance, I look like a monkey on acid.
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  18. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @Saville - thanks so much for your heart felt response! Means a lot to me. Thanks again for always emphasizing both patience to take things slow and strength to focus on non P endeavors

    btw. I’ve really appreciated your encouragement to our brothers to be more dominant in the bed room. Without getting into too much details - suffice to say -both my wife and I have always found Dom/sub dynamics a very good fit for our relationship - even somewhat outside the bed room. We definitely rekindled that approach the past 24 hours - after wayyy too long a hiatus - and it is already thankfully bringing us much more emotionally closer again
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2022
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You're welcome, @path-forward. Your fortitude is admirable!

    Yeah, that's what worked for me. However, if other people can make it work the other way around, and it makes them happy, then I'm all for it. I just know that for me that wasn't viable, because I always felt beholden to the great Matriarch, the goddess who I must please.

    It's tough for men to know where they fit in now. I guess it's tough for everyone though. Whenever I see a sex scene on tv the woman is often the aggressor, the one quick to jump on top, taking her right to orgasm. The man in such cases is just a flesh-dildo to be used for the woman's satisfaction. This must be tough on women, too, because the message is that they can no longer be as feminine. Why can't masculinity be seen as gentle? Why must femininity be looked upon as just soft? I knew I wasn't going to figure all that out and was not going to write a book about it, so I just decided to stake out some new territory.

    If you have the time, you might think of writing some of your story in the success section. I'm not sure how many men read the other section, but I got decent response when I wrote mine.
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  20. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    path-forward, what a great story to start the day with! Super happy for you, man. This is a valuable lesson for me, and I'm sure for the others reading this, that working the plan and giving our brains a break from decades of abuse, PAYS OFF!!! It's not easy, but the reward is the real satisfaction we've been depriving ourselves of. You deserve this!
    Rudolf Geyse and path-forward like this.

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