Accepting Responsibility

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by path-forward, Jul 17, 2022.

  1. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Tonight was very special for me. I fought off an intense trigger.

    Some of you may recall my wife travels a lot for business. Sometimes weeks at a time - something I knew and accepted before we got married. Obviously that gives me ample time and rationalization for PMO.

    But I accept her time away, because she gives 1000% as my wife, when she is home. And she gets so much satisfaction from her career.

    And sorry if this sounds like bragging - but she is also very sweet, spiritual, insightful, sexy, smart, pretty, and feminine. And rarely turns down sex. I feel very blessed to have her in my life. And I have been the one avoiding sex the past couple years due to PIED.

    She has always loved me unconditionally - despite my frequent unstable periods and bad behaviors. She also typically does not nag me or judge me. She has never made me feel bad about my PIED - despite knowing about my PMO and quietly feeling hurt by its affect on me.

    I also recently realized during my current NO PMO streak - that I subconsciously felt I did not deserve her.
    I do not feel that way anymore. I feel like her strong man and that feels amazing!

    But a HUGE emotional trigger for me is when she gets delayed for a few extra days arriving home - like what happened tonight. I felt myself pining to binge for hours - rationalizing I deserved it for feeling so disappointed.

    But instead I focused on everything I have read about the evils of PMO - and abstained! I did not even turn on my computer.

    instead I watched an action movie, read and played with my dog.

    I am beginning to feel calm and whole again for the first time in a very long time. My friends, kids and wife have all commented on it.

    I know I still need to stay very vigilant and that my PIED will also take some time to be fully healed. But I know I have a lot to look forward to and will be patient and strong in my journey to get there.

    I want to revel in feeling the positive reality and vitality of my life - not the 2D mental and physical Hellish dungeon I’ve been in so long.

    Thanks to all of you for your support and brotherhood. I would not be at this point without the YBR community.

    And I know some of you have some real challenges with your significant other regarding PMO and other issues - so I apologize again - if I sounded like I was bragging about my wife and being insensitive to others’ relationship situations. I am just very proud of my wife for who she is as a person.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2022
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Honestly, @path-forward , brag away. As good men we should trumpet the awesome things and take a bath in our self-worth. There is, of course, a point where boastfulness is to prop ourselves up and comes from a place of inferiority, but that is NOT you.

    It is great to see the healing that has taken place in you!
     
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  3. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    Yeah path-forward, it's impossible to read your report as bragging, rather it reads as reinforcement to all of us that are with you on this journey. Way to go man! You just worked your "no muscles" through some awesome reps with some serious weight, and you'll be even stronger during the next urge. It's also wonderful to hear you report about your loved ones commenting on your change in demeanor. This is evidence of your mental health healing as well!
     
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  4. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Thanks so much @Saville and @realness for your very gracious and encouraging feedback and encouragement! Means a lot to me!
     
  5. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Very tough day. Just had a series of triggers that would have pushed me hard into rationalizing a PMO binge in the past.

    held off but still looked at P subs for the first time in 8 days... First hot girls on FB. Then Bikini girls on insta... At least stopped after about 2 min on insta, as I felt so angry at myself, as I felt how close I was to peeking at P…

    I even dreamt about watching porn last night, though interestingly my son caught me looking in my dream. Clearly a big message from my subconscious..

    But need to keep pushing to rewire my brain from decades of compulsive self-medicating behavior to rid myself of both actual and imagined pain.

    Trying to stay strong. Definitely not easy at times.

    Totally understand how relapses happen. Was very close tonight. But need to learn from my close calls and increase my focus during the tough times. Should have never even opened the door with P subs during vulnerable times.

    Was lucky to stop this time. Need be stronger next time. P subs are dangerous.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2022
    Saville likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This will eventually lead to MO and the PMO.

    One of my addictions was to sexting and cybering. I really got off on writing about having sex. For all I know, some of the people I cybered with could've been dudes, such is the nature of the anonymity of the internet.:eek: I know that I can't go near that anymore. Recently, a former female high school friend sent me a message about how much fun I was in high school, along with a friend request. Before I would've been all over that, but I deleted the request forthwith.

    There are a multitude of things that can lead us down the rabbit hole. We all know our own personal triggers and we mustn't accept anything less than 100% abstention from them. I'm not scolding you, just reminding you (and myself) what you already know.
     
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  7. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    @Saville. As always, I truly appreciate your detailed candor on your own triggers and past history in order to explain your very accurate and wise advice. You sound very self-evolved, and I give you a lot of credit for your own efforts to maintain healthy behavior.

    I definitely did not feel scolded and will do my best to heed your sage advice!

    thank you as always for your support and encouragement! It has been very helpful to me.
     
  8. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    **** TRIGGER WARNING *****

    So today marked 70 days with NO PMO. Total monk mode. I “had” suffered from lack of arousal and overall terrible PIED with my wife for 2+ years.

    She came home very late last night from a long business trip, so she slept in very late - wearing only a night shirt as always. I walked into our bed room around noon to find her just waking up. I pulled the covers off a bit and just lightly fondled her body - as she laughed at how sleepy she was in responding to my obvious amorous gestures.

    And then we both saw it! I had “a tent” in my pants for the first time in a very long time!

    I quickly undressed and gave my best efforts to seduce my sleepy wife! I was hard as a teenager! I do admit to 5 mg of Cialis! Haha

    We made love like the best of times in our marriage!

    I still had DE but that problem will take much longer to go away. Given how sweaty, etc we were - - She gave me the choice of finishing with oral in the shower or by hand with kissing etc in bed. I chose the latter. She said her degree of touch was a 2-3 out of 10 to make me finish - and that it had been a 12 (death grip!) for most of our marriage. She was amazed how light a touch she used to make me finish. There was zero fantasizing as she touched me. Just the sound of her voice telling me she was all mine to be used for my carnal pleasure. (She always jokes that she knows exactly how a guy thinks and it’s not very complicated! Lol)

    Today has made my 70 days so far of no PMO soooo worth it! And ofc renewed my efforts and dedication to keep my streak going for many years forward.
    Prior to this no PMO streak - I was often spending hours a day binging PMO - going down fetish rabbit holes that made me feel incredibly ashamed of myself. I feel so much more a live and healthy in regard to all aspects of my life. But I know I am still very vulnerable to a relapse and will do my best to remain vigilant in responding in healthy ways to the many PMO triggers ingrained in my brain.

    A huge thank you and deep appreciation for everyone who has provided support and encouragement. I would have never made it this far without my brothers on YBR.

    We are all in this together. And hopefully my story has provided some further encouragement to others trying to break away from the evils of PMO and arguably MO as well.
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2022
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  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes we are! :)

    That's great that you made love with your wife. DE will resolve with continued abstinence from PMO and MO. I went from having DE and finding it impossible to cum by PIV, to shooting my load inside her without issue. My dick used to melt after about 5 minutes and I would lose all feeling in it. It's incredible what happens when we follow, and believe, in the process.

    What great news!
     
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  10. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    @Saville. Thanks so much for your heart felt response and continued encouragement and support. Has meant so much to me!
     
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  11. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    My wife unfortunately has a temporary health issue that precludes sex rn. I think after finally having sex a few days ago - my anticipation to have it again is sky high. I could probably get her to use her hand or even her mouth - but I want the intimacy (and frankly the sense of achievement over PIED) for PIV before considering other ways to finish. So I am going to wait it out. But I could feel my mind rationalizing P today as a result of her situation. Was the worst day for P subs in over a month! Had to fight my mind from playing out some Fav P scenes. So far hanging tough. Going to have dinner with my wife soon and then watch TV together. This will get me through today. Another day of victory. But Wow! Def not getting easier yet. Always new mental triggers to over come - as well as just a sense of wanting to "reward" myself for good behavior. Need to remind myself that I am rewarded every day for good behavior by being able to look myself in the mirror and feel good about myself.
     
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  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This!
     
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  13. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Hi. Been about a week since my last post. Seems like the 40+ forum has been relatively quiet. Still hanging in there on my no PM quest. Has been made tougher by my wife's unfortunate female health issues, but I know she feels even worse about the situation. But this morning was especially encouraging given my past intense PIED. We just hugged, laughed and gently kissed for about 5 to 10 min in bed, as well as a few teasing kisses on her breasts - something we had "fallen out of doing" for so long. And as I got up out of bed - I noticed my dick was already getting hard just from that short and relatively innocent interlude. For the past few years, my dick would not even have acknowledged such an interaction! Clearly things are getting much better with my sensitivity! The realization left me feeling totally elated, and I did not even feel bothered by her inability to have sex rn. I have also told myself, that I do not want to have any type of sex with her rn unless it includes PIV. Otherwise it too close to MO in my mind. I have put a lot of energy into holding off and want the rewiring to have maximum affects on me.

    I wish I could say I no longer think of PMO - but its still almost a daily thought in my head. Though thankfully only a few times a day for a minute or two here or there. But I am holding strong, as I know I NEED this to feel better about myself, my wife, my family and my friends. Very excited and satisfied at the prospect of reaching 90 days soon, something I previously never thought physically or emotionally possible. Though I have come to focus on "making it" to one year, as if then I will reconsider “rewarding” myself with PMO. But deep down I know I will want to keep this going to 2 years, etc. I remind myself often, that giving myself PMO time is not a "gift" to myself - but a curse and punishment. As I know how terribly empty and self-loathing I will feel afterwards. I have gotten my thoughts of PMO down pretty much to 2 specific girls, and I focus on how insignificant they are to my life. And that love making with my wife would trump my emotions PMO-ing to them by a million+ times!

    overall - I find a very effective way for me to fight off urges is to recall the entire PMO experience at a high level:

    1. binging compulsively (for hours at times) through many different videos and photos of favorite girls
    2. realizing I’m not getting fully hard from any of it, even with meds.
    3. Eventually finishing but feeling empty and dissatisfied
    4. Finally, being left with a sense of self-loathing, self-pity, feeling melancholy and lonely - as real life was passing me by.

    Stay strong and focused my brothers. PMO is only a mental and physical prison - not an outlet for happiness or contentment.
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2022
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    You're not alone there. I also have quite the problem with the length of my sessions. For me this developed naturally after discovering P. I just went for longer and longer sessions (''edging''). At my worst in my 20s, I had all night sessions at times (even when I had work the next day). Luckily this hasn't occurred in a while.

    Great work putting distance between those behaviours and where you are now !
     
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  15. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    thanks TLWH! Appreciate the support! Big help!!
     
  16. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Had a big fight with my wife last night before bed. She rarely raises her voice but was yelling this time. We also don’t fight that often. But it was a similar situation to past fights. Me getting upset that I felt her comment was passive aggressive. And in return her feeling very hurt that my reaction was emotionally hurtful and entirely an over-reaction.

    Before going to sleep I eventually apologized for hurting her - but didn’t really concede that my frustration was out of line.

    So I had a very restless sleep, as I was still very upset. And dreamed of a massive relapse. It was so vivid and detailed, that I thought it was very real. Even for the first few seconds after waking up.

    interestingly I felt a reaction that I wasn’t expecting. I thought I would be disappointed that my dream wasn’t real, as the binge felt so good in my dream. But instead - the thought of the binge and PMO overall made me feel very small. As I was not strong enough to handle my own relationship emotions - and needed to go back to unhealthy habits.

    Of course - I am not remotely judging any of my brothers for relapses! In fact - I actually find them incredibly easy to understand.

    It was more just a deep sense of self-judgment. Especially being so close to 90 days of no PM.

    I’ve always taken a very disciplined approach to both professional pursuits and playing sports. And I am very very tough on myself for mental errors or lapses in judgement in these endeavors.

    BUT until recently, I have always given myself pretty much a free pass for lapses in judgement with P and sexually addictive behavior overall.

    Though for the first time - I really felt the same “mental muscles” judging me - as I do with work or sports. It was a very interesting and encouraging evolution!

    And happily, my wife and I also totally made up this morning as well. I apologized again a bit more strongly and she said she loved me in return. Her tone was 100% back to loving and upbeat. Thankfully she doesn’t hold a grudge very long and stay mad.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2022
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  17. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    That is huge. Great realization.
     
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  18. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    thanks @Libertad!! Much appreciated.
     
  19. realness

    realness Well-Known Member

    there it is, the clarity that comes from living real life and not numbing or coping with PMO. Although this dream brought up a lot of strange feelings, it's awesome to see this clarity come through. We ARE strong enough, and there is such a life to life when processing the positive and negative relationship emotions. Thank you for sharing!
     
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  20. path-forward

    path-forward Active Member

    Wow! today is a rough one! So many triggers from prior PMO binges... mostly around my wife's family and health situations. She has been really struggling the past few days - and there is really nothing I can say or do to "fix things," as I am able to often do in my professional life or with friends, my kids, etc. I find it very hard to see her struggling both physically and emotionally with such intensity. She does not take any of her pain out on me or act in a rude way. But I feel myself slipping more to the periphery of her focus, as she understandably has so much on her plate.

    And ofc any potential for love making or even just intimate, romantic behavior between us goes to the wayside, as she needs to deal with so many "real life" situations.

    I do not mean to sound entitled or insensitive to focus on the "losses" her situation causes me. But I often need strong connection between us to feel energized and alive - and keep me focused on my abstinence from PMO. Also - my abstinence from PMO is so very motivated on having a much more fulfilling sexual relationship between us. And that "carrot" is now additional delayed gratification - just as I feel so close to my re-wiring working! And unfortunately she is going back on the road late next week for about 2 weeks. So lots of excuses for a “pity party/binge fest!” Haha!

    In addition, I injured myself working out - and need to take at least a week break from sports to heal. so I have lost some great outlets to fight the PMO urge.

    Overall - I feel myself rationalizing a PMO binge out of a "woe is me" attitude - and I know deep down, that is just strong temptation during a period of weakness and turmoil in my life.

    It is during these times, that I need to suck it up and be strong! Going to read Wack and Easy Peasy again - as I find them both books incredibly helpful and grounding.

    I need to remind myself: "Porn does not fill a void - it creates one!"

    I will fight to stay strong - so that I can build additional mental muscle memory for future situations.

    Thanks for listening my brothers. Today has been a truly rough one - as I keep fighting to reach my 90 day anniversary of no PMO or MO. Much more P subs than usual - and a very strong sense of rationalization to relieve the "restless pain" I am feeling. But I will do my best to stay strong and fight my demons.

    Wishing all my brothers a fun, relaxing and "healthy" weekend! Keep focused and stay strong!
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2022

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