Accepting Responsibility

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by path-forward, Jul 17, 2022.

  1. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    i think that both depression, which you do have, and lack of motivation which you don't are the side effects of coming off porn. It is a genuine addiction, like
    addiction to cocaine, and acts on the same dopaminergic areas. Coming off leads to a reduction in dopamine, and this can both cause
    depression and a lack of motivation.

    It will pass.
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  2. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Hi Kaamos! Welcome to the forum my brother. Sounds like you’ve got the same problems as the rest of us but also sounds like you’re putting in a hell of an effort to combat all this. Start a personal thread! Also - which exact video on meditation where you referring to I am interested to get tips.

    path-forward likes this.
  3. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    I am trying to take a different approach lately with my addiction.

    I was reading recently about "a sense of Discipline" being a better way to beat addiction than simply relying on "motivation."

    And that made sense to me. Some years back I had torn rotator cuff surgery. The PT was daily for 6 months with 2 or 3 of those sessions at the therapist's office each week. And given my desire to heal correctly - I knew it was not just about motivation:
    I needed to treat the PT as the most important thing in my life in regard to execution! So I was incredibly disciplined about it. And thankfully I fully recovered.

    And discipline fits very well with a Zero Tolerance philosophy on P.

    Everyone has a "go to" means of accessing P. Make them 100% off limits to you. They don't exist anymore - which is the mentality I am taking as well.

    But just to be clear - I know I will F---ing miss them a lot at times! As they were both very sexually and emotionally appealing to me, as a form of self-medication during periods of anxiety and depression.

    But I have vowed to be much stronger and "accept the emotional pain, anxiety and depression" I sometimes feel.

    It's part of life and needs to be dealt with - with ONLY healthy endeavors:
    including talking to and hanging out with my wife, MAKING LOVE WITH MY WIFE, reading and writing on YBR, taking walks, cold showers, playing with my dog, working out and stretching, reading, talking to and seeing children, family, and friends, playing online chess, playing tennis, golf, and yes even pickle ball! lol. etc etc etc!

    I can NOT keep going back to P.
    It only leads to terrible self-loathing, PIED, DE and ultimately failed relationships.

    We are all better than that!

    We deserve a much better life than being a porn addict! And as long as we even peek at P - we are active porn addicts.

    Moderation will never be the answer. Only Full Sobriety.

    I am committed to being as disciplined as possible in adhering to this philosophy.

    We got this my brothers. Lets keep fighting as hard as we can!
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2023
  4. Montesquieu

    Montesquieu Member

    Great post! I agree with every word. I think that’s exactly how we have to approach it. Nice work!
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  5. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    I found this 10 step approach on NoFap and thought it was worth sharing

    10 Iron rules to stop porn dependency from this moment

    1- Set your date and time to stop

    Set a date and time to cease masturbation to porn and carry on as usual right up to the moment you select to stop – Don’t quit cold turkey from day one, as that will make you feel as if you’re depriving yourself of something. You must particularly not think that you’re making a sacrifice. It is vital for optimal recovery.

    2- Look forward
    Remember – you’re not giving up anything because porn did nothing for you. In fact, it only made your life miserable. You get no long-lasting healthy pleasure from it, and it simply kept you in its belly for far too long – a slave to lust. Get it clearly into your mind: you are losing nothing, and you are making remarkable favorable improvements not only in health, energy, and money but also in trust, self-esteem, independence, and, most important of all, in the length and quality of your future sex life. You’ll enjoy being a non-porn user from the moment you go through your last session.

    3- Have a final PMO'ing session
    There’s nothing to sacrifice – you’re getting rid of a heavy burden. Watch your final porn video and make an irreversible promise that you will never watch another video again or view women on the net as sexual objects no matter what happens. This is the most crucial decision you will ever make because the length and quality of your future sex life critically depend on it. What’s more, you know it’s the right choice actually as you make it. You know that you made the correct decision, never even begin to question or doubt that decision, and never let anyone influence or shake your confidence in your own decision.

    4- Be cool about the process
    Your brain will eventually rewire from the effects of porn consumption the more you abstain from porn use, but that doesn’t signify that you will feel utterly miserable because you can’t have another sneak peek. The physical withdrawal is very moderate, and it quickly fades. Take the time to appreciate that you won’t have to deal with any pangs after successfully leaving porn addiction behind you.
    Slowly but surely, reprogram your mind to function without porn because it can and always could.

    5- Don't keep waiting for the moment of revelation
    Do not try to avoid discussions about porn out of fear that you’ll be influenced to relapse. You must be highly confident that nothing can reverse your decision. Go out and appreciate social events right from the start and do not envy porn viewers; instead, you should pity them. Realize that they will be coveting you because every one of them will be hoping they could be like you: free from the nasty porn dependency.

    No porn addict wants to see their loved ones PMO’ing which means they desire they hadn’t begun themselves. Recognize that it’s not you who are being deprived, but poor porn consumers are. They’re being denied their mental health, vitality, peace of mind, self-esteem, courage, self-worth, and freedom. If you’re ever questioned about your no PMO lifestyle, just ditch the conversation and don’t even bother explaining the long list of benefits of NOFAP. Do not cast pearls before swine.

    6- Think about porn
    Don’t try to resist thinking about porn – it just doesn’t work. If I say: “Don’t think about a monkey”, the first thing you’ll think about is a monkey? Just make sure that whenever you remember porn, you’re not thinking: “I am craving just one more PMO’ing session right now, but I am deprived” but instead think: “Isn’t it great that I don’t need to waste my valuable time on porn anymore and I have no motivation to do so anymore. I’m a recovered porn addict!” Then you can safely think about porn all you want and you’ll still feel no threat of relapse at all.

    7- Don't sneak a peek, not even one
    Never be fooled into thinking you can “sneak a peek” just one time to get over a stressful life situation. If you do, you’ll end up trapped in no time at all. Never think about it one last time; always think of the clean streak. Don’t compromise your outstanding achievement by dropping your guard down, don’t slack off. Stay vigilant and disciplined.

    8- Don't go on a porn diet
    Do not use porn to quit porn consumption. That will make it more complicated and painful to stop because it’ll enhance the illusion that you’re making a sacrifice. You can’t treat poison with poison. Get through your head that by going on a porn diet, you will keep the cravings alive and constantly suffer and end up very confused. You can’t heal a heroin addict by prescribing fewer doses of the substance that caused the very problem in the first place.

    9- Never doubt your decision
    Get rid of all the porn content and cut all possible ways porn might appear in your life again. You were already a non-porn addict when you finished your last PMO’ing session. In fact, one of the best joys of being porn-free is not having to deal with it anymore. You have put an end to your own self-imposed slavery.

    10- Once free, preserve your freedom
    You will soon recover your lost powers back but be on your guard not to get trapped again. If you ever think of having “Just one last sneak peek,” remember that there is no such thing, so the question you should ask yourself is: “Do I want to throw my great achievement into the dirt only to get back in the trap that I have fought so hard to break free from? a disgraced porn addict again, every day craving those perverse scenes ?” The answer is “No.” Why not? “Because I hated being a porn slave every day – that’s why I decided to better myself in the first place and become normal again.” It’s essential to remind yourself if you slack off and unconsciously drop off your guard. A little reminder every now and then works as a powerful inner suggestion and will do wonders.
    Fluyo, Caz, Mozenjo and 2 others like this.
  6. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Had likely one my toughest days ever yesterday in regard to my P addition, as an email (since blocked) inadvertently opened the door to potentially seeing new videos and photos of my favorite type of girl and porn genre/fetish. I was sooo close to going through the door......

    but for the very first time ever - I was able to control my urges of "just one more time...." and "NEEDING/CRAVING to see them!"

    It was a very big step for me. As I first felt Zombie like in my march towards the door....

    But I have thankfully developed an informal but very supportive and non-judgmental accountability partnership (prefer to keep details private) - and as I began to write to him - it became VERY obvious what the right decision was!

    Addiction is a war that needs to be fought every day. And it is well worth it!

    Beating P addiction is not just about being able to sexually perform in the bed room - it’s about truly “liking ourselves” and being able to embrace everything good in life.

    btw. I truly hope I never seem “preachy” or self-righteous in my posts. I have been an intense porn and sex addict for 50 years and have been down more “rabbit holes” of excessive and compulsive behavior, than I can even recall -let alone count.

    So I will never have judgement on a relapse - as I have been there wayyyy too many times myself.

    And my current clean streak has been far from easy - or without emotional turmoil - as I just explained.

    I have just been “connecting the dots” much more clearly very recently - in regard to both my unhealthy addictive behaviors - but also in a way much more importantly - my feelings about myself.

    I want to always feel strong and proud about myself - but in a certain manner - I have been totally submissive to porn and it’s subjects my whole life.

    I finally have acknowledged to myself, that I can’t keep drinking poison to try to feel better about my life - just as an alcoholic makes a commitment to sobriety.

    But I know how F--ing hard it is - even with full resolve! A friend posted a photo of her very attractive daughter in law in a sexy bikini today - and it just rocked my brain in every direction!
    I had to fight very hard to stop looking at it.

    But I know deep down it will likely never "feel easy," as that is what addiction means.

    Constantly being vigilant - to not being drawn back in - and succumbing to my addiction once again.

    "There is no place for moderation with an addict."
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2023
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  7. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Well - After all my talk of commitment recently - I almost totally lost it tonight!

    My wife has been away for over 2 weeks on business and was expected home tomorrow. I have been clean of PMO and MO the whole time she has been away, as my counter shows.

    But I got covid a couple days ago (thankfully feeling fine now due to paxlovid) - and just find out tonight, that her Dr is insisting on the greater of 10 days from symptom onset or when I test negative - to see her again.

    So I just peeked for about 10 minutes at some relatively soft P out of extreme frustration - and felt myself getting excited - but thankfully stopped and never actually touched myself.

    So still not a full relapse in regard to how I manage my counter - but I will change the date of last peeking at P.

    And most importantly - I failed at handling the emotional pain - that life throws at us - in a healthy and effective manner.

    But I am resolved to learn from each misstep and be stronger and more vigilant the next time.
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    You have been thrown a nasty curveball
  9. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    MBS - thanks for your sympathy. And yes I have. Tough one for me.
  10. Caz

    Caz Active Member

    “but thankfully stopped ”. Take the win!
    path-forward likes this.
  11. Montesquieu

    Montesquieu Member

    I’m sorry to hear about your slip, but I’m glad you are resolved to learn from it and grow stronger. I hope you hade a nice, clean weekend.
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  12. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    well its been a week since Ive been on here - and its been one the roughest periods for me in a long time. Combo of being alone recovering from covid (was thankfully not too bad this time health wise bc of paxlovid) - but being alone for this long has been a great emotional challenge for me. Along with my wife going through a lot of intense challenges herself - both in regard to her health and profession. So I have sadly fallen back to some old vicious habits in regard to looking at P. Tho somehow I have not let it push me to PMO. but wayyy too many close calls lately.

    I have resolved to stop peeking very soon and am doing less each day. But until I stop completely - I am setting my "last peeking date" to TBD.

    feeling strong enough to put back a date will be very good motivation for me.

    I know deep down I will get through this period. Just have to execute on my plan to stop peeking again. I know I have to do it.
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2023
  13. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Now is the time when we think we've mastered it, and can just peek. And you know that you can't.
    It is really tough being on your own, and ever so tempting,

    Keep strong, we are with you.
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  14. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    How and when does the peeking happen? And could you anticipate on those specificities? E.g. when you peek on your phone in bed after 21:00 typically, would it help to turn off your phone at 20:00?

    Sometimes with these habitual things, we just need something like a signal to our deeper self to understand that we need to change.
  15. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Gil I appreciate the question. But it’s not a time thing for me. It’s just an overall level of resolve.

    going through a very rough time. And while maybe only rationalisation - when the peeking door has been opened - I tend to work better long term doing less each day - until it’s closed. vs cold turkey.
    Gil79 likes this.
  16. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    Glad you recovered from Covid without a hitch. Is your wife back now? I’m also facing a weekend alone, with not enough planned.
  17. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Thanks MBS so much for your good wishes and checking in. And no - I am still alone. My wife had some very unforeseen job issues and needed to deal with them. She is sadly feeling totally overwhelmed herself right now.

    thankfully I have been there for her emotionally via phone.

    we will both get through this rough period and be back on track soon.

    Very sorry about your upcoming weekend alone. Hopefully you can find some good movies and sports to watch. And also spend some time outside the house. If you prepare “before the storm hits” you have greater chance of staying clean.
    mailboxsam, Gil79 and StarWarsFan like this.
  18. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Ive had a very rough 2 weeks emotionally at many levels with lots of bouts of peeking at P. Felt like I was going down the drain again in regard to lack of impulse control and overall embracing of unhealthy behaviors. I did stay strong in regard to actual PMO - always stopping the peeking at porn before I crossed that line.

    I felt terrible reading everyone's journals the past 2 weeks and not being fully engaged on my own recovery - like so many inspiring folks here.

    But I have put those behaviors behind me and have reset my last peeking date to yesterday.

    I am back to my zero tolerance hard mode and frankly have a sense of relief to be doing that. Its actually easier in a way. As there is zero sense of moderation. Its like an alcoholic saying I wont even smell or look at alcohol.

    I am also going to try to stay off insta as that can def be a P sub for me.

    Let's all work hard together!
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2023
  19. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Active Member

    My mental model for my compulsive MO and PMO is indeed alcoholism which is one reason why I’m drawn to AA and also why I think I have to be completely “dry” to succeed in recovery, I have lost the power to do it “in moderation” but more importantly I have to develop other ways of dealing with uncomfortable emotions.
    path-forward and Montesquieu like this.
  20. Montesquieu

    Montesquieu Member

    I’m sorry to hear about your struggles over the past couple of weeks. You’ve got a good plan and have learned a lot. You’ve got this!
    path-forward likes this.

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