Accepting Responsibility

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by path-forward, Jul 17, 2022.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    path-forward, yes, being here through the rough patches is important. But you also can't mea culpa your way to recovery. I'm reminded again of a clip someone posted years ago of Bob Newhart playing a psychologist treating someone who is trying to give up a bad habit. She asks him what she should do. His simple response, over and over: "Stop it!" Our work involves not doing something, which should be easier than doing something, when you think about it.
    I've been where you are more times than I'd like to admit. I just relapsed 3 days ago. I'm fighting urges as I write this. But I'm not going to relapse again, because (and I know you know this), it will make it easier to fall into the pattern that got us here in the first place.

    Do this for yourself. It's totally worth the hard work, and you deserve it!
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  2. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Moz - very much as always appreciate your direct and candid feedback! And ofc encouragement as well.

    I do know what I need to do. Not making excuses and totally agree "you also can't mea culpa your way to recovery." Great statement btw! But there are some dynamics a foot in my life recently that have definitely added new and deeply stressful challenges. But for family privacy's sake - I do not feel comfortable sharing here. But in the end, we ALL have our own stresses to bear - and I do know the poison of PMO is not the solution.

    Thanks again for all your support! Means a lot to me my brother!
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  3. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    path-forward, I wish you the best with your situation and the challenges it is bringing. We are here for you!
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  4. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    So I have 5 days of no PMO - which feels good.. Reuniting with my wife soon. hopefully her health situation will leave her still feeling amorous. A bit concerned about potential ED, since I have not been very good the past few weeks. But at least my dick has been very hard during my PMO, and I have kept the sessions to 3 to 5 minutes with no edging. And that's how I was for a long time in my life - when PMO was not causing ED. I have already warned my wife that I have some ED concerns - hopefully giving me a free pass- so that I dont stress too much about it. Though I have not been upfront about the depth of my relapses. Though she does know I have had some.

    All in all - it will always be easier to stay clean, when I am with with her. and she is not away for business or family issues.

    So hopefully this is the beginning of a good streak of abstaining from PMO and also some fun sessions with her.
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  5. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Make it so!
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  6. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Well. Been a rough past week. Back together with my beautiful sweet wife. But her health problems are affecting both her libido and overall ability to have sex. Plus period cramps as well. :(

    urges are super strong. Been hanging in there, as I have find it much easier to be disciplined when I am around her. Combination of desire to overcome ED and just general respect.

    but still have peeked a few times.

    this is not getting easier. But that is why they call it an addiction.

    doing my best.
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  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I'm not prying, but if your wife can go on work trips shouldn't she also be able to go to the doctor and get some help? I may be off base, but I'll relate my own experience. For years my wife said that she had a problem with her woman parts and was not fit to have sex. She kept saying "it's my cross to bear." Consequently our sex life basically stopped. This is, at least in part, why I ended up cheating. The thing is, it was not my wife's cross to bear, it was mine. Finally she went to the doctor and got it treated. Just thinking about makes me realize how fucking nuts things were at one point. It was all good because I ended up being the bad guy. :rolleyes: Anyway, now I'm ranting.
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  8. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Very much appreciate you having my back as always Mr Saville!
    And I’m very sorry for your past experiences with your wife. Thanks very much for sharing so openly, as a way to relate to my own situation.

    But there’s A LOT more to my situation than I am comfortable disclosing on the forum. Just feel like discussing my wife’s health situation in detail on the forum would be disrespectful to her. Suffice to say it is chronic, relatively serious and with many issues beyond female related ones. She is under the care of numerous doctors.

    And please keep in mind she is also the same girl who virtually never says no to sex when feeling healthy - including me waking her up in the middle night! - and also has been 100% non-judgemental and super supportive about my porn addiction and ED.

    Btw. Her company is also extremely supportive of her health issues. she only travels first class for business with very high quality support logistics everywhere - making things much easier for her.

    So yes, in this case - you are off base - tho with very good intentions as always.

    And I appreciate the sentiment of your question very much. So all good.:)
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2023
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No, there is no need to divulge your wife's health woes. We're just a collection of internet peeps who give our best advice, no matter how meagre, based on our own experience. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about your wife's condition. I'm glad she's getting the care that she needs. For a P addict "til death do us part" can be challenging, because if we can't have regular sex then where are we getting our dopamine hits? I used to use candy and chocolate for this, but that turned me into a fat pie wagon. I used booze, too, but then that began to make me feel unwell, sluggish, and depressed. I have music and exercise, which I do find wonderful. Life's journey can be a tough one.
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  10. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your kind words Sav. My marriage has definitely has had its highs and lows. But I love my wife very much.

    Ironically our relationship for many years had sex and various kinks as a very central and foundational aspect of our relationship. It’s been very hard for both of us to not have that right now. But we thankfully share other interests together.

    But my PMO and ED issues definitely correlate very highly with my wife’s health issues. Sports is a big outlet for me - but winter weather makes that much more challenging. But I am trying to exercise more indoors (not nearly as fun tho), read more, play online chess, listen to music, watch movies, see friends, visit with my children, etc.

    I also am very fortunate, that I have always been able to enjoy alcohol and weed in moderate amounts. And that is definitely a fun occasional vice as well. If only I could handle my PMO addiction the way I approach using alcohol and weed! Lol

    The journey continues and I keep fighting. And I also keep hoping my wife’s health situation is in a better place soon.

    thanks again for all your support. Invaluable to me!
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2023 at 10:05 AM
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Damn, I'm so surprised a few of you seem to be able to handle alcohol and even weed as a way to have fun instead of P.

    For me, it's already extremely difficult to avoid P when I'm fully sober and abstinent of alcohol and weed. But if I have the latter two, and especially weed which is a clear aphrodisiac for me, there is absolutely no chance of avoiding P.

    Anyways, I guess it shows that although we all share some similarities, we also all have our own particularities as well.

    Best of luck to your wife's health Path-Forward and keep up the good efforts regarding P abstinence !
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  12. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Thanks very much for your support and good wishes TLWH!

    And yes, PMO has always been my choice for self-medication for depression, anxiety, boredom etc since I was about 14. And arguably my risk taking and overall choices reached a level of total sex addiction at some points in my life.

    Somehow other vices including gambling could always be controlled. Tho I admit having less willpower with weed to abstain from PMO if alone. So I need to be feeling “strong” to use it.

    We all seem to be wired a bit differently - each having our own triggers and rabbit holes we are vulnerable going down.

    It’s all about recognizing imminent danger and having the strength of spirit to walk away from it. And that my friend - is a struggle I will likely have for many years to come. Addiction comes in many forms - but the fortitude required to abstain is likely very similar.

    Best of luck to you with your own fight to keep everything under control!
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  13. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Been working hard to put more days behind me since my last PMO relapse. Still peeking at times. Need to figure out a way not only to deal with urges - but also just dealing with compulsive behaviour. Not sure if that makes sense - but I feel like I have two forces at work. One is the more common feeling - a desire to self-medicate for a variety of reasons, that all have been discussed on the forum.

    But a second “force of nature” for me is more pure compulsiveness. I used have this as a driving force - when my risky behaviour would be more likely categorised as sex addiction. There is a sense of having a secret life and feeling like you are getting away with something. It’s likely what motivates a lot of cheating spouses.

    But these days - my compulsion is manifested focusing on my own secret kinks - not known by anybody. Though for the record - nothing illegal or even arguably immoral. But this compulsion creates another channel - besides the need for self-medication - to succumb to PMO.

    This the first time I’ve ever written about trying to separate compulsive behavior from the need to self-Medicate. I feel like it was a bit rambling. But hopefully it made sense and some others can relate to this dichotomy of influences to succumb to PMO.
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member


    This definitely is not what motivated me. I never felt like I was getting away with something. It was more that it took me away from my monotonous life, the routine of going to work, taking care of the kids, and being professionally and spiritually unfulfilled. I was ripe pickings for unhappy, narcissistic, women. Because I had poor life-skills and was brought up to pay homage to the great Matriarch, I was desperate for women to like me. I needed validation from them that I was worthy. Once they had their hooks me I had no choice but to go through with what they wanted, because above all else I need to obey, or else risk them withholding that needed validation. Yes, there was an element of risk and fun to it, as well, but mostly it was like having a second full-time job.

    Men live with contradictions lying side by side in their hearts. What causes this lack of harmony? In a lot of cases it's simple, we just didn't learn what it meant to be a man. Being a man is being able to say to ourselves, "I count!" I was always worried about how people would react to me, so it was easier to be a fake version, a version of myself that I thought was more appealing, easier to digest. What I've learned over the past number of years is that I don't get to decide how people will react. Or, to put it another way: if people don't like how I authentically operate in life then they can fuck off! Either way, this is a win-win for everyone involved. I get to maintain my integrity, and feel uncompromised, and other people get to decide (feel) for themselves how to behave. Wow, this takes an enormous responsibility off of my shoulders. Being responsible only for myself allows me the energy to do more and, more importantly, to feel more.

    Our obsessions, repetitive behaviors, are because we are trying to control a false narrative with regard to our lives. At the crux of this is a deep-seated feeling that we are just not good enough as we are. News flash: we are! So, in my mind, path-forward, the dichotomy is in our perception, not in reality. We create dichotomies, non-binaries, etc, to explain away the hurt we feel, a profound hurt that keeps on hurting, no matter how many ways we try to explain it.

    Our mantra should be this: We Rock!
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  15. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Saville. Thanks very much for sharing all that. A lot to unpack. But for me, I have always felt relatively dominant towards women in my relationships. So I don’t relate to the matriarch model. My mother was also very submissive to my father. So I may have have grown up with a different dynamic between our respective parents.

    But not feeling “good enough” is definitely a feeling I can relate to. More a result of childhood trauma experiences than anything else for me. But I have come a long way - thanks to the unconditional love my wife does her best to provide.

    But this false perception of a separate behavior is something I will disagree with in regard to my compulsive behaviour - as it’s not the same feeling as a desire for self-medication or simply satisfying a horny feeling. It’s deeper and more about fighting a compulsive feeling inside me to create a secret life.

    But I very much admit this is a new area of self-reflection for me - so maybe our view points will be more similar and converge down the road?

    thanks again for your detailed response and feedback. Much appreciated as always!
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2023 at 2:45 PM
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  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Everyday feels new when I reflect on my life. I write here what hits me and then I just wax philosophical on it. If it feels true to me, I keep on writing. Obviously, everyone's journey is unique, with its own set of challenges. I love how we can engage in conversation here, because it helps me learn. I really enjoy ruminating over these things.

    I have never been submissive to a woman in the sense that they "dominated" me. It was more a sense that I must please them, even if that meant my own discomfort. Of course, as I saw it back then, I was just desiring us to be equal partners. A good man would want his woman to feel equal in all ways. However, as we all know, that's just a pile of bullshit. If we, the men, aren't leading the way then the woman will pick up the slack. If you have one of those women who doesn't fill the void then you have two passive people feeling miserable in their equality.

    Whether we are more on the dominant side of things or the submissive, with both traits we are trying to have some part of ourselves validated. In my case, I accepted women who chased me, because they represented a certain archetype, one I was familiar with, even if it wasn't evident at the time. A man (not saying you) who seeks to dominate finds women for his own sense of the familiar. I grew up with a narcissistic mother who had to have the attention of her children. I tried to please someone who would never be pleased. You grew up with a mother who was a doormat, hence your desire to find a mate who represented that side of things. In both cases we were looking for a woman who would validate our childhood. Because we got stuck in the emotional memory of our upbringing we couldn't grow into fully-fledged men. Either way, in my estimation, we are the little boy looking for our moms to help us out, whether that be through submission or domination. In the end, the matriarch is having the last laugh - hence why we PMO to bitches who, in a crude way, fill some hole within us.

    What I wrote could be all bullshit, but it sounds right to me. :)
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  17. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    My wife’s health has been very rough on her during our recent time together. Sex definitely not on the menu. Plus we have been bickering much more than usual.

    She must have sensed it too and asked if she could pleasure me by hand this morning - tho she knew I was trying to hold out for penetrative sex.

    But I decided I needed a shared release between us -both emotionally and physically.

    She made it feel very sexy and not a mercy mission feeling. She kept saying it was my right to use her - so I kept my own hands busy enjoying roaming her sexy body. (Hope not triggering?)

    I was a bit apprehensive of ED given my recent relapses and peeking. And only got about 90% hard - tho enough thankfully to shoot far! Showing her it had been a while since I had a release, and that she had pleased me a lot.

    And it felt great and only needed a light touch.

    So overall. A victory in my book!

    But ofc I have a long way to go - to get back to where I was last year during my 100 day streak.

    A lot more emotional triggers in my life right now vs then. So definitely need to suck it up a lot more.
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2023 at 7:20 PM
  18. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Hotchie motchie!
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