Accepting Responsibility

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by path-forward, Jul 17, 2022.

  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Of course you know. :) You are an insightful and bright man. As to the time you need to get back on track I would say "now's the time."

    path-forward, I know that my words on this forum have never made anyone stop PMO. Men stop using P when they finally see, I mean really see, themselves. I write because I earnestly want to support everyone's better intentions AND to keep myself on the straight an narrow. If I'm fierce and harsh with someone it's because I need to be that way for myself. So, in a very real way, I use each and everyone's journal for my own selfish motives. Yes, I care about you, and many men on this forum, but my motivation is to be the best version of myself, no matter which universe one might be looking at.

    Here's what I say to myself about hard Decembers: bullshit! Here's what I tell myself about being overworked and stressed: talk to the hand! When the wife doesn't want to have sex, and that is more and more now, and I want to rub one out I slap myself upside the head: "bitch, leave the dick alone."

    There is nothing that creates dark despair like giving in to PMO. Lots of us have PTSD. We wouldn't be here if our lives had been hunky dory. I'm not minimizing how you feel, my friend, definitely feel your feels...but feelings aren't facts. The facts are that PMO continues the cycle of abuse.
    realness and path-forward like this.
  2. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for your heart felt post my dear friend Saville. and for your kind words on my own intellect. Back at ya! And I truly appreciate the "dual affect" you have on motivating both yourself and others with your sage and very direct feedback and advice. I hear you but my own strength will unfortunately vary at times, while here. I very much appreciated your "boss" title during my first few months on here. I know I will get back to that. I just need to sort through some shit right now. But I am not going anywhere. The easiest path would be to drop off here and truly spiral down. But I will not do that. I know how important the kinship of my brothers here is to staying focused on a healthy life style.
    Rudolf Geyse and Saville like this.
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Yes, mine does too. Recovery is a verb and it is in doing things, imo, that we ultimately free ourselves from the beast. Let's say I want to pull down my pants and fondle my dick. I feel that powerful rush of dopamine woosh through my brain. My eyes start to glaze over and I get that "fuck it" feeling. However, instead of going for the penis I might say "I'll PMO after I do one job." That job might be taking the broom out of the closet and sweeping all the floors. It might be me tidying up the recycling that's built up.

    You rode high for awhile. That first shot of success is the best and it's our best shot at staying clean. Yes, we can absolutely get back on the straight and narrow, but we're kidding ourselves if we think it's going to be the same. Suddenly we come face to face with the work involved, the work, in our first heady rush of success, that we didn't attend to.

    I have my own struggles with this everyday, my friend. My wife has gotten old in attitude. She could happily never have sex again. I, on the other hand, still feel fairly sexual and I need the intimacy of a woman's body - her and I sleeping together is not enough. In fact, I often sleep by myself now because I find I get a better rest. I could totally justify pulling the pud in order to get my needs met or to assuage any of the innumerable feelings that fall upon me during the day. Further, now that I'm home everyday I have the opportunity to do whatever I want.

    We don't PMO because we are weak. We PMO because our neurons have been taught to do so. Waiting for this reality (fact) to change is just impaling ourselves further on the PMO spike.
  4. rabotaz

    rabotaz Member

    Path-forward, I know that feeling of having to sort out some shit at present. Indeed, sometimes I feel that the universe or perhaps the gods are against me because whenever I try to seriously tackle this PMO beast, some very strong life challenges come along… almost as if to make it impossible for me to be able to take my battle seriously. How often have I ended up saying ‘why always at this point? Why could this or that thing not have happened before or at a much later date?’. So I may end up cursing life or the universe and start telling myself ‘ok, forget the battle with PMO for now - besides, I will need the dopamine rush to get through the new life’s challenges’.

    Though recently I have started to re-think it all. I’ve come to the conclusion that life will just keep throwing hard challenges at me and that more are very likely on their way. Furthermore I try and separate the two in my mind: life and it’s one million problems/challenges on the one side - the battle with my lust on the other. Keeping them separate in my mind helps: it helps me be realistic and expect that life just brings ‘shit’ and while handling all that, I also watch it from the outside, as if it’s like a movie. Those challenges can continually change and assume new forms - it’s part of their nature. In the meantime, I continue with the battle, as if that’s being done in a different room in my inner building. That battle is quite a constant thing compared to my life’s challenges. It comes with it’s usual triggers, attached feelings, withdrawal symptoms etc. It needs that constant focus that is different from the sort of attention that life needs. It’s that room of reflection within you that is always there and can be used, no matter what the weather is like outside.

    Take the time you need, only you can know when it is the right time to come back to it (or to go back into that room mentioned above)

    Hope you will be able to keep us updated.

    There must be a reason why you are saying that the path is ‘forward’ - let’s hope we are all on that path as much as possible!
  5. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Brother Rab - thanks so much for thinking of me and providing such an eloquent and supportive post on my behalf. Truly appreciated.

    And I do have a rough time line in mind to get back to where I was in regard to strength, discipline and focus on facing down my PMO addiction.
    Unfortunately - it is not likely until after Jan 1 - but I will stay on here and be honest with myself about my situation and keep updating my counter and summary of relapses.
    Gil79 likes this.
  6. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Path-forward, January 1 is not real. Now is real. Focus on now, and know that we are with you on this journey, and that PMO doesn't just numb you to whatever pain you're experiencing, it adds more pain. Hang in there, man.
    path-forward and Saville like this.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Like Moz said, in a nicer way, "that'sa bullshit." And, what's there to be honest about? You are addicted to PMO. Sorry, but that's not ground breaking news around here. Being honest, imo, is trying to stay clean and working why, or why not, that is happening.

    I'm not trying to scare you away from the forum, but you matter more than just a perfunctory pat on the back.
    Libertad and path-forward like this.
  8. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @Mozenjo @Saville You guys are truly great friends and I very much appreciate both the subtle (Moz) and smash mouth (Saville) feedback! :)

    I knew as I wrote that last post - I was likely to get some strong talk back at me from my brothers here.

    I will def take into consideration.

    Thanks again for caring! Means more to me than you know!
    StarWarsFan, Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are brave, you're worthy, you matter!
    path-forward and Mozenjo like this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    And you deserve to be free. Remember why you came here, and the good work you have done. Our resolve comes and goes, but as someone who is fighting urges as we speak, I am saying this for myself as much as I'm saying it for you: As long as we let those urges pass when it really matters, we're on the right path.
    Saville and path-forward like this.
  11. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    @Saville @Mozenjo

    thanks so much for some inspiring posts on my behalf! Deeply appreciate it.
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  12. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Its been a rough December. Have accepted falling backwards and am coming out fighting in 2023!

    I wanted to wish all of my brothers here a very happy New Year!

    Best wishes for continued personal growth, strength, contentment and happiness in 2023!

    Path Forward
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I hope that January will be better for you. The change of the year is always a good time for a fresh start and new motivation. Maybe even an adjusted strategy. I hope you can continue your recovery this year with a strong 'why'. When we can keep reminding ourselves of why we're doing this, we're already halfway. Best wishes for 2023!
  14. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Gil. Thanks for the good wishes and good insight. All much appreciated!
    Gil79 likes this.
  15. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Well - I made it 10 days - but relapsed again. Not making excuses -well I am. But more as a form of venting! haha! as I know we all have our own struggles and challenges here.

    My only consolation is I no longer edge for PMO and make the session quite short with no ED. But I am effectively taking a drug I should not need, as it's also a poison.

    But for me - the emotional, family and health issues are definitely piling up to levels I have not felt in a very long time. Just a very tough circumstance in regard to timing. Also - my wife and I have been apart since the New Year and that will continue for at least another week - making things even tougher. But as I said - just venting.

    I know what I need to do - and that is not have a chaser affect. And I also need to keep focused and look for ways to handle my issues in a healthier manner going forward.
    StarWarsFan, Gil79 and Saville like this.
  16. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's good to see you posting. The conversation must go on if we are to reach deeper understanding and heal.
    path-forward and Gil79 like this.
  17. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    10 days is really a lot of time, and was it that diffcult? I bet it wasn't. It is just too easy to go back to porn. You can do this again and appreciate the new experiences (positive and negative) that arise. One thing for sure, without porn you will be way better equipped to deal with what's going on in your life now. I hope your wife will be back soon and until then keep venting here. We're listening!
    Saville and path-forward like this.
  18. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Hit another rough patch. No excuses except not working hard enough at finding other ways to redirect myself. And just not having enough commitment to maintaining self control and keeping to healthy endeavours.

    my wife will be home soon after a long business trip for her. That will def help a lot.

    One interesting fact. I have not PMOed since Sept 1 when we are together. Not making excuses. Just reminding myself that I have it in me to stop this unhealthy behaviour.

    Need to journal more as well.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2023
  19. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    My friend, sometimes there are excuses. :) Life can really beat a person down. You have suffered and that suffering can only be covered up so long. Deep down, deeper than you can probably fathom, you have a light that has been covered up. Not long ago that light was shining through a bit, which was incredible to see. It showed that you have the capacity to reach down to at least that level. How do we get to that level again and then go more deeply down to the essence? I think, path-forward, we need to find something that we can lean on and lean into. Is that God? I don't know what it would be for you. For me, I need to lean into those parts of myself that I know are good. Consciousness has not only given us an incredible ability to think, but it has given us a knowledge about ourselves; a knowledge that can't be held, or probably even articulated, but nevertheless it's there. :) Wow, how amazing is that!

    So, I lean into the little tasks, the day to day things. The things I used to hurry through I now slow down and do them mindfully. I smile a lot. Sometimes people smile back. :) I'm smiling now as I type this to you. I'm by myself and sitting at my kitchen table...smiling. I like to read a poem everyday. Even poetry that I find cliche can put me in a better zone. Choral music can transport me. I'm listening to choral music right now and it's blowing my mind.

    We have a great capacity to fail. Boy, do I ever know that. o_O But, we also have a great capacity to fail better. :cool:

    Excuses, my brother, are real. They are like phantom limb pain. They are hurts from long ago made manifest in actions that keep those wounds sore. It's good that you acknowledge your excuses because this means you are saying: "I hurt, my god I hurt." Feel the hurt and find interventions that are a true salve to such injury.
    Mozenjo and path-forward like this.
  20. path-forward

    path-forward Well-Known Member

    Wow! @Saville Thank you so much for your heart felt and deeply inspiring post to me. Meant more to me than you know! And while I tried to cut your response to some key messages to me - I really should have just kept the whole post - as all of it had some great insights and advice!

    I find I sometimes need to fail deeply before I can heal again. And while I fully admit I thought about taking a break from this forum out of both shame and a feeling of disconnect from the many brothers fighting much harder than me at present - I know this forum is where I NEED to be. And your post today was definitely a well needed wake up call.

    Thank you again for all your support and advice. Its incredibly insightful to myself and all of the other brothers here fighting to do better in life.
    Saville likes this.

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