Hi. This is my first post. I am 61 and am finally trying to conquer the beast of porn addiction and resulting PIED. While my counter is only for PM - given my PIED - I have also now gone 45 days with no PMO. It has definitely been a struggle at times, but my wife's support has been extremely meaningful to me in working hard to maintain discipline. I have also been reading the many incredibly heartfelt and powerful posts in the 40+ group - and they have been super helpful and supportive in my new journey. I want to thank everyone who has posted about their journeys with porn addiction for all the help you have given me! I would never have made it this far without you all. And I finally decided tonight to sign up and not just be a lurker. Tonight was the toughest night for me - as my wife left today for about 2 weeks, which given her job situation happens every month or so. And this has always been a familiar pattern for me to rationalize a huge binge session - as I feel I "deserve it" for being so supportive of her career. And while some of you may suggest she finds a new career with less travel - please just accept that her situation and career is fairly unique and not easily changed. And its something I knew about before we got married and fully accepted (2nd marriage for both of us). For a long time (married 10 years) - it was actually almost a "bonus" situation - as I had so much free time to myself for "my own private vices." So first of all - 45 days of no PMO is the longest I have gone abstaining for the past 50+ years, having started masturbating before I could even ejaculate. Even in grade school - I use to fantasize about seeing the pretty girls in class! Given my age - I first started with porn magazines around 12 or 13 - when I saw them in stores etc. I used to shop lift Playboy around 14. and also got a hold of other more risque magazines from friends etc during high school. Without getting into tons of details, this began a continual use of increasingly intense porn (as well as other very compulsive and at times very unsafe sexual activities) all the way to 45 days ago. And with everyone else in this forum - the internet created a myriad of increasingly addictive and compulsive sexual behavior for me. And my porn use finally caught up with me and I lost almost all sensitivity to both physical touch and partner arousal about 3 years ago. Prior to that - my wife and I had a very active sex life - despite my porn use. And while she had generally been aware of my porn use - I had promised her 5 years to stop - as my time to finish was getting longer and longer as I lost so much sensitivity. And I thought I was being very careful to keep my "porn cheating" unknown to her. But she recently confronted me with my "compulsive and bad behaviors" - and said it was killing our marriage. She said it in a surprisingly caring and non-judgemental way. Overall - she has always been a saint in regard to her approach to being a wife. Doesn't nag and doesn't reject sex very often. But there was a look of such pain from her - as she said my continued porn use was making her feel much less attractive and also much less connected to me. She didn't ask me to stop specifically but it was implied as a NEED for our marriage to survive in a healthy manner - as she said sexual intimacy had always been such a vital part of our marital foundation. sorry to ramble on here. and I apologize if I sound like I am bragging about my wife. But despite her active career and travel needs, she is very traditional in how she views marriage - and believes a husband and wife should love each other unconditionally. And I made a huge promise to her 45 days ago, that I would tell her if I relapse. We tried to have sex about a week ago (her idea) - so around day 38 - and after some patience - I was actually able to get to about 70% of my old self and actually have penetrative sex for a few minutes - as well as satisfy her "manually." I did not orgasm myself nor ask her to try other ways to get me there. I was over joyed simply to have that level of intimacy for the first time in 3 years! and we both agreed to try again after 60 days of no PMO. She has also remarked that I seem a lot calmer and happier lately. I think for the first time in a very long time - I am not feeling subconsciously ashamed of myself for the secret life that I have led for sooo sooo long. And while I have now gone 45 days without PMO - I admit to having used Instagram twice to look at girls in bikinis for about 5 to 10 minutes each time - including tonight. the other time was also a time of great weakness and temptation. But thankfully - I did not get aroused or feel triggered to go further than that. Both times I stopped myself and started reading this forum. But I will work much harder not to do that again - as clearly that is not a healthy thing to do. Overall - I am trying to not focus on a target number of days not to use P or M. but rather to tell myself I am starting a new life style - where P and M are not part of my life anymore. As I am also realizing how much time I have spent wasted and felt self-loathing in my secret PMO world. I had worked hard the prior 6 months before starting my PMO streak on getting in shape and losing weight. and interestingly - the discipline from that effort has helped a lot But for times of intense temptation - nothing has better than reading this forum! I can not thank those people enough who describe their sense of emptiness after breaking their own streaks. That candor has been vital to me to remind myself how badly I will feel myself. Sorry again for the somewhat rambling post - but it has been very very helpful to collect my thought here. And hopefully my own situation and explanations was helpful to some others as well.