Wandered through the internet after a guilt-inducing binge of pornography. I have been watching pornography for nearly half my life now, and regularly masturbating for the past year. I have a strong belief that one of the main reasons why I'm not the man I can be is that I've let my dopamine factory take over my brain,and needlessly binge on porn,food,movies and games. This is why,slowly,starting from today,every month I am going to kick one bad habit out of my life, beginning with watching porn,then food,games,movies in that order (a reminder to myself that just because the other three start later doesn't mean I should binge now!) Unless I have a reasonable social or academical commitment, I'll try and post at the same time everyday,around 21:00 GMT. Catch you guys tomorrow ! Day 1: Just the first day and I'm three hours later than I promised... But that was because this was one of those increasingly rare days,where everything just seems to fall in place for us.Except today I learnt that's not the case. We set things in place. We set things in motion. By not watching pornography today, I can ensure that I will have enough energy when I wake up tomorrow. Also happy to say that for the first time in my entire life I went to the gym and actually followed a great plan. My plan is to follow this up properly and hit the gym atleast four times a week. Hope I can keep surging forward. ##############TEN DAYS LATER############# Well, I guess I should have known. I do not know if this is normal at all,but ever since I realized I had an addiction, I have taken several measures to stop my downfall. Various times I have decided never to masturbate or watch porn, only to succumb within a matter of days (i.e., if I am lucky,else sooner). And never have I fared better than my first attempt, which itself was a meagre seven days. After my proud entry for day 1....well, I succumbed on the second day. I woke up the next morning,succumbed again and even bunked a class to do it once more. The shame that follows, though massive,cannot redeem my actions. I felt humiliated.I had just joined a new help forum, and I had relapsed on the second day! What would the people who had seen my short but optimistic entries think of me? I definitely can't go there again. Reasoning thus, I fell beyond rock bottom. A few days ago, I had been to home for a quick retreat from college,and couldn't,erm...,pleasure myself. To make up for it, I masturbated 5 times in the past twenty hours after coming back to the campus, which is a new low for me. Adding salt to the wound is the fact that I skipped an entire day of classes just to watch porn. Even now, as I write this, a series of thoughts leads to a tent in my pants which tells to close this stupid draft and open incognito. Here's what I am actually going to do, you spoilt brat. I will publish this. I will go and have dinner with my friends. I will come back and put things back in place and talk to my family. And after that, I will get the peaceful sleep I fucking deserve. I guess a guy on day zero can't really give advice to the many clean ones here, but I finally accepted one thing. No matter how long I stay clean, a day,two days, a week,hopefully a month or more,the urges will always linger within me. If anyone has seen Doctor Strange, I think you will remember this: "We never lose our demons Mordo, we only learn to live above them".-The Ancient One I hope I'll keep that in mind as I restart my rebooting journey My goals are still the same as I mentioned above and it's time to take them up with my whole heart once again. I'll be back.
