About time

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bobo, Oct 5, 2017.

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  1. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    A lot of shit comes up as we're getting clean. I was so fucking tired at the beginning of the reboot it boggled my mind. I could wake up after 8 hours of sleep and need to go back to bed. Then the emotions came upon me; the self-hatred, the shame, etc. Every now and then I still get slammed with something, something that makes me feel deep guilt and regret, or sometimes even anger. I sweep those thoughts aside quickly now. I didn't have the skills to deal with women, and most particularly my wife. In turn, the wife didn't have any skills at being a good wife. If she did the laundry and made supper then she figured she was killing it as a partner. At the end of the day my wife didn't know how to give love and it sounds like yours didn't either. Most women just want attention, it's about me me me me me me meeeeee. LOOK at MEEEE!!! Men have to demand that their needs be met. Not through force, or fighting, but by being men around the house. This means doing the jobs a man should do (fuck you women's libers :p), listening to the wife bitch, not taking offense when her infant self bitches you out, and not relying on them for your self-worth. Their burden is to have periods and then kids and ours is to realize that we are second place in their eyes to everyone and everything else. Kizomba is a good metaphor. ha ha The man leads but it's the woman that everyone is looking at...just like she wants it. When we accept this reality then everyone has a good time.
     
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  2. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Saville.... much to think about in your post. I would like to respond and discuss as I reply in a number of posts. May I ponder on this post for a while( day or so ? )
     
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Well I went to Heather's tonite and brought her some chocolate mint Brazil nut ice cream. After all the poor baby is sick got a bad "footee" ! Hahaha ! When I came in door Paula whispers to me " she is in her room lying on bed, try to behave yourself ! She is trying to look pathetic cause she knows your coming. Paula it's too late for the behave yourself stuff and come in room with some kind of excuse I have something to say to you, Daniel and Heather. Please don't hurt her, oh for shits sake Paula try stop being a mom and a woman. I go in room her mom comes in and says" he brought ice cream ". She comes back with portions for everyone and Daniel comes in and says hello. I say look I need to say something to all of you (Heather looks crushed) mom and dad look at each other. Ummm, I don't know how to say this in a reasonable discussion sort of way. So I will just say it and I hope you will all understand. I called the club today and said Heather had hurt her ankle and we would not be able to perform demo dance Friday nite. Raul, said oh can you get another partner and still perform. I said yes probably I can. Hung up on that note. HEATHER SAYS " So I have been Replaced? " Raul calls me back less than an hour later and says" owner would like to offer you and your partner a contract for this winter season to dance 2 demo dances every Friday nite. He's offering you $1000 a nite for 16 weeks. They all looked sad and Heather just looked down. So do you wanna dance with me Heather? HUH ! That requires a yes or no ! BUT I CANT DANCE ! Contract does not start until 1 st week of dec. Oh yes, he said has to be young lady who was here last week with you. Heather, I need a yes or no answer. She jumps, jumps off bed on 1 foot and attacks me, like knocked me over on couch in her room.YES YES YES ! Parents said "ALLRGHT". Wow, I get $ yup 1/2 is yours. I feel like a hooker! Mom and dad just laughing like hell. It's not much WHAT listen to me you need a complete different sexy wardrobe from top to bottom for each dance. Probably gonna cost you $5 or 6000 to get your wardrobe. Heather, those sexy dresses and leotards and skinny jeans cost like you don't believe. Betcha you heels cost you 2 or $300 a pair. Oh my goodness baby we NEED to go shopping right away says Paula !I felt so good seeing the joy on Heather and her folks face. I know MR. NICE GUY SYNDROME who cares it made me feel happy.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I truly love your energy, Bobo. But, because I'm suspicious by nature I'm going to offer you some caution, which may just be me projecting. I think you have become rather quickly entrenched with these people. They may be wonderful people, but beware they are not distracting you from your own journey. You deserve to be happy and to be with people who truly appreciate you, but that appreciation should not come at the cost of you elevating their lives. A young woman approaches you in a store, is quick to give you her number, and suddenly there is an unspoken obligation. Now you are bringing her ice cream and creating employment for her. You see the optics of this? Your last statement shows your awareness of what's going on:
    Think about what you wrote...who cares, it made me feel happy. Yes, it made you happy because you are getting validation for being a good boy. The old programming dies hard, my friend. I know you are an intelligent and good man, but the old programming doesn't give a fig about that. The way forward is an austere one, because, indeed, we are transforming who we are.

    These are just my thoughts.
     
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  5. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Update, I called club today and said to Raul $ 1000 per nite is not enough tell owner we have to have $ 1500 per performance or $ 25,000 for entire season. He says, yes I knew it was low, knew you would call back. Will call you back. He did and will be $25,000 for 16 week gig. Will tell Heather tonite she gets $12,500, think she is gonna freak out. Not bad for her, $1500 per nite or $750 per dance. My day is filled with o libido and mind is in serious thought mode. Will go for walk to hopefully ease mental stress. I've decided to take my 5th week of vacation for this year next week, just don't felt like going back yet, new 5 weeks starts january. Some serious self hatred this am but I pushed it out of mind. No fantasy this am, totally ambivelant about Heather, going to be a problem sooner not later. How can your libido spike and then drop in a matter of hours. WTF does that mean ? Later...........
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Thanks Saville for being realistic. Old programming does die hard. Yes, they are very nice people. She dose'nt need the employment, she has a job as I wrote in previous post as a legal secretary to a supreme Court judge. I know something about this ,their secretaries get contracts, the contracts are usually for 10 years. Base salary for the secretaries is between $70 and 85,000 per year. Iam hardly providing employment for her by having her dance with me. Yes, it's about me, Iam painfully aware of that fact and I appreciate your viewpoint that it's an austere one, I agree. Yes, Saville, being " a good boy".Guess I have to learn to be a bastard if taken to the extreme. I am getting much joy out of teaching her how to dance. As I just wrote in another post, lots of self hatred this am...........
     
  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Saville....... partial reply to your post to me a few days ago. Did Jen really hate me ?When I went to psych at va after Iraq his final determination was as he said to me in these exact words: " Sgt you have one of the most developed cases of survivor guilt I have ever seen and I have been doing this for over 20 years. I say this to you so you will realize hopefully that you have a serious psychological situation here . We don't understand how the brain can hold on to two opposing concepts and react with both at the same time. Glad to have survived and guilty that you had at the same time. Then suggested that wife go to classes they gave for wives of combat vets. Jen went, first class instructor told wives please realize your husbands all died in the war. It is imperative that you see them as different men because they are. They are not the men who left, again those men are dead. She came home upset. Second class, they said, don't be surprised if they don't want to have any more children or have emotional closeness problems, it will pass. Jen said to me classes were bullshit and would not go back. Why didn't I see what was going on ? She was afraid, afraid it was true she didn't know who I was anymore, started to withold love and grew more and more anxious. I became a loner, quiet to a fault, staring into the abyss in living room at nite, she saw all this. This is not the man I married, who is he, I don't like what he does or says. I think I hate him for changing but I love him. That's what happened, I was too fucking stupid to see it. The clues were all there. Yes Saville, Jen didn't know how to give love, she was too young, believed all the bullshit she heard about marriage as I suspect of was yours. So, 1 year later we have another baby and I have become a stranger in her bed. So no sex, you don't have sex with strangers unless your a whore and she did not see herself as one. Psych back then was full of shit with what he said her problem was. This is I suspect a lot closers to the truth. I am disturbed thinking of this, please excuse me I will continue after a bit. I hate the fucking past no matter what it teaches you, the cost is extreme emotional pain.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  8. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I fucked up my own marriage through stupidity. Yes, Jen played a part but if I would have realized what was happening with her things might have been different, different for me too probably no pmo that has fucked up my life so far. It has nothing to do with "no more mr nice guy" not everything in our lives do its just the goddamm truth unfortunately...........
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, Bro'. Kudos for having the courage to speak your stuff here. I know it isn't easy to dig around in the sludge that used to comprise our lives.

    I did too. But, our wives were also idiots! :D Together we did the dysfunctional dance that so many couple do. When I started to withdraw from my wife, and she perceived I wasn't loving on her like I ought to, she in turn gave me less love. This is how a lot of women operate. You (I) thought your (my) wife would reach out with softness and understanding, extend a hand to lift you (me) up. This is not the reality for most women now, particularly ones who are drawn to Nice Guys. They give if they receive, the withhold if they don't. Many women of our generation were taught to be second class men. My wife became a cold hard bitch. Her philosophy was that if you say something mean then she will double down and get meaner. Yes, we fucked things up, because we didn't know how to be men (ourselves) and our wives didn't know how to do that either. Our present day, meaning the last 100 years, is a grand experiment where no one is really sure who and what they are. We have lost our tribes. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it has been bad for us. We are accidental casualties of the war of the sexes. Maybe in an other hundred years things will get sorted out, but some how I doubt that.

    You didn't have the skills to handle your marriage, neither did I, and now we must forgive ourselves for not knowing. I hear your hurt, I acknowledge your hurt. But, just as that man died in Iraq, so is the P addict dying now. I'm not the man I was 18 months ago; he's dead. Alleluia. :) I'm not religious, but being born again is a real thing.
     
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  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Saville.......Your last point that's what I find so troubling, among other things. I change from week to week , I don't know me anymore. I look in mirror and wonder who that is, I don't recognise me anymore. I have become angry and bitter. I can see my children looking and wondering Wtf is going on with their dad. Unfortunately, they are withdrawing because they do not understand. Yes, the P addict is dying but what is emerging ? That's why dancing was always my refuge. I could hide so nobody would really see me. Jen used to tease me "wow a dancing combat marine, isn't that a weird concept ? Fuck you Jen used to make you hot and horny as hell when we danced before ! Listen to the anger and retaliation in my reply, shocks me now.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think not recognizing the old you is a great thing.

    Anger and bitterness come to the fore when we're getting healthy. There's no way to circumvent this part of the healing. Be patient. For myself, I found solace in doing small tasks. Gardening, washing windows, fixing the broken piece of baseboard, etc. The mundane is the best healing mechanism I know, at least it is for me. Feeling strong emotions is good, because it means you're feeling. I was a numb shell of a man. I could barely muster pride in the accomplishments of my children. I felt completely detached. A journey like we're on is not for the faint of heart. If it was, then everyone would do it. We are shattering the mould and that is never an easy thing. Hang tough, Bobo!
     
  12. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Saville..... have more to say on this in the morning. Going to Heather's with some tapes I have that she can watch and get some aha moments on dancing I may or may not stay decide when I get there. Maybe gonna have a beer somewhere. "HANG TOUGH" Shit Unfortunately I do not know any other way. There's an old saying "you have to know when to hold them and when to fold them " I never learned when to fold them not a particularly good thing, has caused me some problems in my life. Oh well fuck it anyway, gimme beer everything will be ok then. HAHAHA
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  13. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Well back from Heather's gave her tapes and said watch this one. It was a old tape of me dancing La Diabla with Vida Guerra. Her mom screamed "oh my God that's you baby!" Make Vida's hair 3 or 4 " longer and skin tone 2 shades darker and it's Heather, facial features are amazingly similar so is body and height. They say all of us have a double walking on the earth. I have talked a lot about Heather so for those of you that want to see her, it's amazing how Vida and Heather could be twin sisters. On youtube Ataca & Vida Guerra bachateando dancing to La Diabla. We all went out for a beer, Heather's girlfriend watched Jamie. Very pleasant evening. When I showed her this on youtube not the tape of me dancing with Vida but Ataca she yelled " Oh my God I HAVE to have that dress she's wearing. " Paula goes SWEET JESUS that's a baby making dress ! So funny !
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2017
  14. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Called Heather today and told her club raised money to $25,000 for the 16 week gig, so you get $12,500. " What do you think ? Not bad for 2 dances, $1500 per night to shake your booty ! She was like whoa ! and yelled to her mom, they raised price, l get $12,500 ! Wow, you have more money for shopping ! WOMEN !!!! She was looking at some of the old tapes I had of me dancing years ago I forgot I had tapes of Jennifer and I dancing years ago. I had the tapes remastered from vhs to disc long ago. Suddenly she says " The stunning blonde with the beautiful smile was you wife wasn't she ? I didn't remember those tapes were in the box. Yes Heather. How did you know, I was dancing with lots of different women some professional dancers."by the way you looked at each other you could tell you loved each other." Was long ago Heather, things change in life. "Not love it never changes, no matter what happens it's still there, maybe undercover but it's there."Someday I will tell you if we get to know each other better." Hung up and became totally depressed. She's a very intuitive young woman. Mama taught her well about the important things in life. If others could see the love why couldn't we ? Tonite is a home night just me my thoughts and memories.........
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2017
  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Previous post, Heather says "not love it never changes, no matter what happens it's still there, maybe undercover but it's there." I am not able to get my mind off that statement tonite. I have tried by distracting myself but my mind comes back to it. I took a nap, I couldn't sleep, my mind kept playing it back like a tape stuck. If I do not go "bonkers" tonite I will be truly amazed. If there is something beyond depression then I am there. Drank a few beers that didn't help. Gonna be a long nite, filled with self- hatred and disgust. I don't feel like a man, feel like a frightened little boy. Today is day 60 of reboot with no pmo. Still flatline like a mother fucker, no erections, no MW and where the fuck did my libido go ? I feel dead down there. Ok enough whining and bitching, time for another beer !
     
  16. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I am going to go dancing tonite. I need to hide. Will hold lots of women dancing and won't mean shit, won't take the edge off the pain. Dancing will distract me, going to go to club I used to dance at, same one I have contract to dance with Heather this season ( winter.) Why same club, cause they know me and the women will recognize me as the professional dancer from last week, so I will be pulled on dance floor constantly. I need to hide and stay hidden, funny I was shot to shit in Iraq but I never have felt pain like this, sometimes I feel like I don't want to be here.
     
  17. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Went to beach today with Heather and Jamie. Very nice, went for lunch and who do we run into my oldest daughter and her husband. Asked them to join us introduced Heather and Jamie to them. I could tell there was something going on with Christine. Heather took Jaime to bathroom and my daughter asked was I seeing Heather. Don't think that's any of you business but "No, Iam teaching her latin dance." " That means your seeing her, she's black dad!" My son in law just looked at her and said "Chris what the hell are you doing? " My daughter gave him that withering look women give men, you guys know what I mean. Unfortunately, when my temper comes up I don't care what or who hears the truth. "Christine your mother and I taught you better than that, what the hell has happened to you !" "I was thinking of mom !" Godammit girl she's DEAD !" Guess you feel Iam supposed to be dead too. Take your ass out of here and you owe me an apology, where did you get this idea that grown children start to tell parents what to do. I will make some bullshit excuse why you had to leave, now get the hell away from me ! She teared up and husband said let's go dammit haven'the you said and done enough ! Scott is a good kid. Off they went. When Heather came back I said babysitter called something about baby, they apologized for leaving. We finished lunch and took them home. I left and was seething. When kids become adults all the teachings of parents become secondary, they are now adults and some adults you don't want to have anything to do with. God dammit, my daughter really pissed me off ! I guess she forgot what her mother told her once when she was a teenager and I lied for her. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME ! Guess I need to always remember they are adults and need to be responsible for what they do or say. My heart hurts so bad. GOD DAMMIT !
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2017
  18. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Still so fucking pissed I forgot to put in post Heather called me about 1/2 HR after I got home. "Hi, I could tell your daughter didn't like me, I am sorry if I caused any problem for you. " Heather, listen to me !There will never and I mean never come a day when my kids attitude decides what I do. They know better than to challenge me. You caused me NO fucking problem the problem is hers if there is one NOT MINE OR YOURS. She dose'nt like you you say, who the fuck cares. My mom said to me last week, "Heather that's a man not a boy. He's like youre father a lion in sheep's clothing, back him in a corner and trust me baby, I dont think you want to see what comes out." I apologized for my language. I am still so God damm pissed.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2017
  19. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    If Jennifer was still alive she would have died anyway, but of shame if she heard Christine today. I know, it's an arrogant feeling to believe you and wife did something wrong raising them, when the real truth is they are adults and choose their own path. But, guess what when you hear or see something like today you feel like you did a shit job as a parent though you know they choose their own path. This really makes me want to go back to old lifestyle. Wife dead now it appears one of my kids are dead, in the fucking head ! Problem here is Christine is real strong willed, always challenged me growing up, mother told her once, aren't you tired of this you will never win, but she would not stop. She knows me and knows she has to bend. This is not good, let's see let me whine "I need this like another nose !" I am not going to let this fuck up my Reboot! FUCK THAT IN A BIG WAY!!!
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2017
  20. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    If any of you want to understand why Iam writing this post you need to read the last five posts. I haven't been able to sleep last nite was a tough nite. Triggers, interesting subject. We generally think of them as women showing you their ass or sensual advertising or whatever, at least that what is commonly believed. I don't think that's all. I think they are anything that raises your emotional level, whether it be anger, sadness or plain disgust. For me, yesterday was a big trigger. Anger, sadness and disgust all rolled up in one. For those that say you need to control your passions I say "FUCK YOU ! " This bullshit told to us by moronic psychologists really means, don't feel life, don't emote, stay in your shell and just be quiet. Anybody else wonder why cardiovascular disease is so rampant ! Oh goodness your going to get emotional and express yourself, I don't know if I can deal with that, "then don't listen asshole !" These of kinds of occurrences the latest few days are BIG TIME TRIGGERS FOR ME ! Makes me want to go back to pmo and say the hell with it ! I don't expect getting a "woodie" and keeping and satisfying myself and a woman is going to repair and fix everything that needs work in my life. I just want it to work when it needs to. These triggers fuck me up big time, I am feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness. That combined with the anguish and depression over Jennifer leaves me wanting to say " fuck it I just don't want to hurt anymore, going back to my pal pmo who asks nothing of me, welcomes me, only wants my life and my mind, what's left of it." FUCK it, I do not want to calm down. On a positive note, no fantasy today, what am I at 62 days or so. Pretty good, at least that's what I think. Iam going to take Heather to a movie and dinner Tuesday nite, yes a date, my daughter Christine can kiss my ass, real nice for a daddy to say, I love her dearly BUT I will not take shit from my 3 girls. Not taking Heather out on a date to spite Christine, I wish she was younger so I spank her, I want to take her out, so Fuck you to those that say" but she's 25 years younger than you", not asking her to marry me ,asking her to go to movie and dinner. I am in real danger of relapsing today, I need to be real careful. I am still really angry and that's a trigger for me. Gonna have some tea. Later..............
     
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