About time

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bobo, Oct 5, 2017.

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  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Billy, thank you also for reply. Amazing how you guys are spot on. WHOA, holding Heather at bay, now that's going to be a challenge, never thought of that !Shit mon Iam going to need SUPERPOWERS FOR THAT ONE !!!!!!!!! Nice taking another 2 weeks off work ! Fuck work, hate it in recent years, reality though.
     
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I was a big time fantasist and and it's something I chip away at everyday. You spent a couple of decades inside your head and this just takes time to rewire. I absolutely do believe that you will heal. At some point, and maybe Heather is that point, you will have to rewire with a real woman. This is, in many ways, the hard part. I used fantasy at the beginning of the reboot when I was boinking the wife. I mean, I viewed her as a sister (one I didn't like) in some ways. I sometimes thought of porn stars and sometimes the neighbor. I wouldn't have been able to cum without it. Now the fantasy levels have subsided significantly. I need almost no extra help to enjoy love making. I try and stay in the moment and feel my own body. I'm still very much learning to allow myself to enjoy sex. It's amazing when we realize that we are allowed to be loved and enjoy the attention of another human being.

    I'm trying hard not to project here, because to be honest, a young woman wanting me would scare the shit out of me. I guess just go with the flow and see what happens. When I cheated on my wife I thought I was going to be a stud with the woman. I mean, I was rock hard when we sexted, and I just thought that it was my wife who had bored me. Wrong! Once I got naked with the woman I couldn't perform. She was devastated, because her take on it was I didn't desire her, and I was fucking humiliated, and of course, felt worse, because I was Mr. Nice Guy, and how dare I not be able to please the woman I was cheating with.

    Bobo, I really do think you are on a positive trajectory. Shit, you have almost 50 days in the bank! Let your instincts guide you and I think things will turn out fine. We're all in this for the long-haul.

    See, you're not the only one who can ramble. ;)
     
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  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Going to the dance lessons for Heather and her folks early since she is off work today and I am still on vacation. Oh boy, found out she is a secretary for a supreme Court judge. His right hand ! Dear God, just what I need a intelligent woman that's beautiful ! GOOD GRIEF! ! Just funning. All I wanna do is make love but "pocket rocket dosen't work right now. So what the hell I will teach her Latin dancing, maybe that will be enough ? YEAH RIGHT !!!!!! Ha, ha. NO and I mean NO fantasy this am. A good sign, tomorrow who knows so WTF. Off to give dance lessons and look at 2 hot bootys, YEEHAW !................
     
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  4. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Back from Heather's.WOW. I changed my mind about showing them (her and parents ) Sara dancing Kizomba. Heather was like Wtf how can she move her hips like that ? Her dad says to Paula his wife " uh, can you get a mini dress like that?" She goes " yes but can I move my hips like that, good lord !" " Yes u can I will teach you I said ."Then Daniel her husband yells" THATS MY MAN !" Everybody got hysterical and Paula her mom says " You are supposed to slow down at your age ." "No way baby not if you buy a dress like that to house that equipment you have." Drop dead laughter and Heather just shakes her head. I asked her later didn't she find that funny and she said chuckling "Iam so used to those 2 so nothing would faze me that they did or said. " It really makes me realize how empty my marriage was, maybe that's what I am supposed to take away from this. It may be called REALITY! Though it's after the fact perhaps I needed to see this so I can learn for the future if there is one. Being raised in such a loving and realistic environment probably makes Heather a very loving, healthy and realistic partner for some guy. She said to me" mom has always told me since I reached puberty that when you find the man you want in life and he wants you you need to make sure you keep a very strong physical relationship with each other or you cannot have a strong emotional bond that lasts a lifetime. Don't listen to the nonsense feminists and teachers tell you."If you a have strong physical bond, yes girl sex, then you will have a strong emotional bond and a happy and fulfilling marriage." Sad how most of us were not exposed to this because of morals (whatever that is ) and bullshit religious dogma or just plain stupidity as to the real facts of life. I showed them the dance I was going to have Heather do with me on Friday nite. Her father said "LORD JESUS can you teach Paula and I that dance, it's the sexiest dance I have ever seen!" Sure Daniel ! Her mom says to Heather " guess I had better bring extra panties too ! "Total insane laughter, that means Heather told her mom she needed to bring extra panties. Maybe some would say those are inappropiate comments and subjects for parents and children to have perhaps, but the child is 31 years old.I do not think it's inappropriate, I think it's healthy it's REALITY not the fantasy bullshit the world around you says. Another glaring interesting point Daniel does NOT say " what that sexy dance with my daughter !They are such emotionally stable people. I am really enjoying going there it's almost shocking to me, my mind goes Wtf once in a while, I asked Heather why she never remarried NOT why she got divorced,( her dad told me on the side the bastard beat her, said Heather begged him not to kill the fucker because he was going to." Beat my little girl graveyard next -for you motherfucker !") Thats old time thinking and CORRECT thinking as far as I am concerned. She said I never found the man I wanted and hopefully he will want me too..Holy shit, is it nice to watch those 2 booty girls sway hips and bootys to music, Daniel and I just have a " shiteating" grin on face. HAHAHA !
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2017
  5. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Well today needs to be celebrated. Though counter says 49 days it's really 50 with NO PMO ! It was my first goal, next is 75 days. I set realistic goals so I don't set myself up, like I used to do. Goals that are to far out there seem daunting and soon seem unreachable. Stuff is OK so far, some feeling down there but mainly "dead dick." Flatline to hell and back but head still into awareness of asses, hips and thighs !Yup THAT always did get my motor running however, now it sputters from lack of fuel like a gasoline motor. Ha,ha, ha ! Heather called me this am, apparently she took the week off so she can concentrate on learning to Kizomba dance. She then says " mom and dad want to talk to you, can you come over early today baby, I have some errands to run will be back soon after you get here ! " UH OOOO ! MOM and DAD want to talk to me with her not there! GOOD GRIEF, I am too old for this and she calls me "BABY !" Sorry, guys I need to run away so I DONT NOT have to face reality ! Shit, all I had in mind was to teach you how to dance kizomba and sure, fuck your hot little ass to death in my head. Saville is gonna kick my ass for getting involved ! He WARNED me ! Well guys face the music time, maybe it's not that bad. A REAL BAD HABIT of mine is the prejudge shit, always gets my ass in trouble ! Well time to head to over to Heather's, so ifn you guys never hear from me again maybe they killed the red man dead ! Later, uh..... MAYBE !
     
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Just got back from Heather's. So I thought I would tell you guys what's going on. Shit damm it something just came up, damm what a pain in the ass gotta go talk to you guys later.
     
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hmmm. I hope everything is OK, brother.
     
  8. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Yup everything is OK guys. Minor housing bullshit cause I procrastinate with fixing the showerhead. Always comes back to bite you in the ass. Anyhoo, a good day #5o for me. I went to Heather's today with some trepidation in my mind because folks wanted to talk to me alone with Heather not there. Well, like I said in a previous post I prejudge things, it's a bad habit I know. Sat my ass down in living room and her mom said " thank you so much for coming early ", I stopped her right there and said " don't do this crap Paula just say what you want or feel you need too !" Her husband Daniel laughs and says "I told you before he came in he will not want to hear bullshit or political correctness, Paula !"Well you 2 must have went to "smartass" school together!" "I needed to preface this and you 2 idiot men messed me all up and now I am so flustered the hell with it, dammit !" Daniel says, "don't hurt my baby girl, you're the first man that has looked beyond her body and responded to her as a person. You're a very new experience for her. Lots of men want to date her and want to have sex but as soon as find out she has a child they are gone. I SAY, you know I have a habit of hurting myself to protect others. I would never willfully hurt Heather. Paula stops me and says " what do you mean willfully ?" How the hell do I know Paula sounds good though dosent it ? Both of them Crack up and her dad says check this out "I like this RED MAN !" To which I say fuck you Daniel ! They both get hysterical and her mother gets up and kisses me on the forehead. Ok you 2 thats NOT WHY you wanted me to come here. Hmm smart to, so what did we want ? You want to know how I feel about y'all coming to latin club with Heather and I ? Amazing her mother says he's a witch no I mean whatever a male witch is, a warlock Paula. I said look I really want to teach you both how to dance the Kizomba, so if it's OK With Heather I would be honored if you will come as my guests. Her mother goes," ooh charming too" But that won't stop me from tearing her hot little ass up. Her dad got hysterical and jumped up and hugged me and says" she probably needs a good man to tear her ass up "Her mother goes "shame on you 2" she then grins and says I agree ! In the door comes Heather and the conversation stops and Heather has that hmm look on her face. We get to dance lessons, Heather and Paula are doing really well, got to get Daniel up to par to participate in next 2 days as well as continue with Heather and Paula. At end of evening Heather walks me to truck and says what we're you guys talking about, they wouldn't tell me before I left. I was talking about tearing you're hot little ass up and they agreed. WIDE OPEN EYES !!!!! She says that figures I wouldn't put it past those 2. So you think you can tear my ass up huh? Nope, but I can tear you're HOT little ass up. At which has point I get a smoking hot kiss against truck. Oops damm it I never learn to shut my mouth. I have no filter it's in brain and then it's in mouth. Funny thing when she kissed me I felt a REAL STIRRING down there, Wtf is that about. Good grief, a beautiful hot young woman 25 years younger than me. FUCK, Iam in serious do-do but the kiss was GREAT !!!!!!!!!
     
  9. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Ya know guys, it feels GREAT to get to 50 days with no pmo, never did that before never even tried. 75 days with no pmo next goal, not impressive to some but to me it is, so fuck off PMO AND FANTASY!!!!!!!
     
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  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Congratulations on 50 days, Man. You're doin' great and you have the BEST inspiration to stay clean, now. :)
     
  11. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Thx Billy for posting in journal. NO fantasy this am AGAIN, I would like to think I have turned the corner but I know better than that. I really need to apologize for the long detailed posts about the Heather scenario. Like some of you have said sometimes I am thinking thru things and what's happened , the typing of posts forces me to do that. Once again sorry for my blabbermouth posts. I am very pleased with the below belt reaction with the kiss thing with Heather BUT, I do not understand why I can get a strong reaction and then be flatlining at other times, as a matter of fact no feeling most of the time. Any thoughts guys ?................
     
  12. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Hey, guess what ? Heather just called and asked if I wanted to walk on beach. We live in a southeast tropical state and I live 1 mile from beach. " Buy you coffee dude !" How fucking nice, how really fucking nice, admittedly I am not used to being treated like this and no, I won't let it cloud my judgement. She asks me can she bring her daughter ( Jamie) with her. "Of course you know I really like pretty little girls !" (Pepe le pew voice) I still know how to be charming bullshit asshole ! " OH MY GOD you are an idiot like my dad ! He gets over on my mom EVERY time with that charming crap." "Well hopefully like mother like daughter !" I hate you, no you don't that's not what kiss last nite told me."Leave me alone damm you, what's the matter little girl used to boys but not men. Meet me at beach in 30 minutes ok, yes dear since your used to getting your own way because of that hot little ass ! Bastard ! See you in 30 minutes. SO NICE, the bantering and interaction. Been a lot of years, I never realized how I have missed it, if only Jennifer and I could have done that like we did in beginning of marriage oh well. Later, going to beach to see pretty girls FUCK WORK BIGTIME!!!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  13. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Back from beach a few hours ago. It was wonderful, warm and breezy not too much just right. Her daughter is simply adorable,( probably like mother). It got warmer and Heather says common baby to Jamie let's go in water, daughter says " no don't wanna" So I held her in my arms. GOOD LORD, Heather takes off shorts and the shirt and has a STRING YES GUYS I SAID A STRING bikini on. Gotta tell you this .When she gets in the water up to her neck this couple of guys walk by with 2 pregnant wives.Women say to me how cute Jamie is blah, blah. Heather starts to come out of water and the 2 women look at each other and 1 says to husband turn around and face me and don't look sideways or else ! Why, just do it or I will kill you ! The guys see Heather and one guy says, I kid you not " holy shit" and the other one looks and his mouth drops open, the wives are laughing their ass off, and one says to husband as she rubs big belly "oops too bad your going to be deprived pretty soon !" So funny, the women were very friendly with Heather and reminds you there are still some sane people in world. As we walk back to vehicles, Heather says to me " you never asked me why I still live with my mom and Dad! " That's cause I know ! Really ! Yup,want me to tell you ? Yes, this should be good. Because you 1- love them, 2- you and your mother are more girlfriends than mom and daughter, 3- they don't make you feel like you are still 12 years old, 4- your dad is the kinna man you really want, so you like being around him. She just looked away then I said " Heather, you also don't like being alone." She just looked away and did not say anything. I saw tears in her eyes, (that always kills me with women and yes, I know some of them use it on you ). So I stopped turned her to face me and said " I did not mean to upset you." She goes, how can you know these things ? Cause I am 25 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU and I didn't spend my life at my mother's breast, but I would with you, she goes , "asshole" and " Yup just like my dad." But at least I got you to smile. Had not planned it before but took them to lunch. What a nice day, I had. Yes, it's about me but I had forgotten what it was like to be happy to share with someone, even conversation. At vehicles she giggles and says " You are right about mom and I. I get up some weekends and feed Jamie and while she watches cartoons I sit at table in my robe and have my coffee. My mom says "what's wrong Heather ?" Once I said I am so horny, my mom said " Sweet Jesus we need to find you a man ! I know baby the right man not just any man." Yes, you're right we are like best friend girlfriends. If anything happened to her, I don't know what I would do. Dance lessons tonight and she and folks invited me over for dinner. Again what a nice day. Later ............)..
     
  14. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I just wrote a post and then this thought struck me. I don't really know how many of the over 40 crowd have children but what I have seen this week is how wonderful it is to have a open, loving, no holds barred relationship with your children. How much did the pmo lifestyle affect that ? Guess I will never know but my inner self tells me it did and your inner self never lies to you. The more I interact with people yes, mainly Heather and family right now, the MORE I HATE PMO AND FANTASY and what it's done to me. Ok, enough crying towel..............
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  15. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Pmo and fantasy didn't "do it " to me I DID IT to myself, why is my brain so clear and concise today, no fog .
     
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  16. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Back home after dance lessons. Paula is going to be great but Heather is going to be spectacular ! They are going shopping in am tomorrow, Paula is taking Daniel's credit card. I said to him are " you crazy dude !" Iam going over in am to work with Daniel more, he will be just fine at kizomba by late afternoon. I called club today and I have a few surprises for the 3 of them. Will have a dress rehearsal with the girls, with heels and dresses not rest of whatever women do or wear in late afternoon and I told Daniel "dude NO dragging old lady into bedroom when you see her dance", he just laughed and says" and you no poking my baby girl in hallway when you see her with dress she is gonna wear !WHAT ! I would never do that to her you're her dad " Bullshit, we will both have to wait until we get home from dancing !" It's so refreshing to deal with real people, as Paula would say "even when they are so damm rude." Daniel is a very special man, wish there were more of him, "he should not talk that way about his wife or daughter! " Nonsense, I can see he loves them dearly but he does not let the love destroy his sense of humor. Old saying women like to use "if you don't laugh you are going to cry." Dinner was wonderful, company was wonderful and makes me realize how separate I let myself become. Fantasy, not the real world until I let brain say and I believed " That's not the real world this is, see how it appeals to your passions !" Had a good day today, but there is a deep, very deep sense of sadness about Jennifer. What the hell is happening to me, the healthier emotionally and physically I seem to be getting the deeper and deeper and deeper the sadness gets about Jennifer? Guess I was kidding myself, I am obviously not over her death almost 5 years ago and that means I cannot move on not in a healthy and substantial way. Pmo and fantasy destroyed me and I let them ! I WILL NOT FUCK OVER HEATHER . I need to think very clearly about this. Almost want to give up this quest but Iam a stubborn bastard, I will not !
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I wonder if you were unable to grieve properly because you were numbed out with the pmo, and now that you're clean that stuff is coming up to be healed. Almost everyone who has got a good clean-streak going has spoke about emotions being closer to the surface and the need to find ways to manage them. I guess we need to feel them in order to let them go. Big job!
     
  18. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    In our heart of hearts we know the answers. It is easy to get derailed by the energy of others and their agendas, such as they are.

    Great news about the penis responding to a kiss.
     
  19. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Saville......I know what my heart wants. "Stop the pain over Jennifer." Heather deserves a fair and straight deal, no bullshit can I do that ? I am definitely attracted to her, body yes, but more so to her persona. I feel I need to be honest about Jennifer with her soon. Not necessarily about the pmo and ed, that's not a conversation she needs to hear. About the sex less marriage, the love, the hate and the inability on Jennifer and my part to be able to communicate for so many years and the fact that we had 3 kids together. I know she suspects and is waiting for me to say something. No, I don't owe her any explanation about anything but I want to. Then after I do this, I know she will say no sex, really, hmm. ( women always figure men are cheating ) Then the crap hits the fan for me. I DO NOT ever want to be in a position again where I have to choose between me and another evil like I did years ago between me and the kids world. She's 31, WTF am I doing !!!!!
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
  20. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    OK, small update, went to spend 3 hours with Daniel and I dancing kizomba.Girls went shopping, God help Daniel's credit card, funny dancing with another man who leads, who follows ! Ha,ha done this many times before, he leads, I follow, girls would have laughed asses off. He is going to be fine tonight. I am home now needed to do some stuff, later on about 3 or 3:30 I will go over for last dance lesson and dress rehearsal with girls. Will go to club about 9 or 9:30. That should be fun, I have the 2 girls set up, shit might get killed for this, fuck it who cares.
     
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017

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