About time

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Bobo, Oct 5, 2017.

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  1. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Well,where do I start..? I AM 57 YRS OLD AND HAD A 23 YRS SEX LESS MARRIAGE AFTER the kid's were born. Was married for 30 yrs.The wife was super sexual until the last of 3 kids were born,, then it was like you threw a light switch off. At first I didn't understand it.. she was simply not interested.So naturally I thought it was me or she had another guy.She said no she still thought I was attractive, loved me and wasn't having an affair.Wtf..finally went to a gyno that was her and my friend AND SHE SAID HORMONES WERE FINE.She called me that night and said take her to a psych you have a mental problem on your hands.Wasn't supposed to call me but was thankful she did.Off to psych we go, took some doing it did.After a few visits he calls me and says " some women see sex as for procreation and when that's done they want nothing to do with it, your wife suffers from this."Wtf is there any treatment he says to me NO. At first I was really angry then Realized she didn't want to be that way, so I figured divorce since I did not want a sex less life with her. Then the perfect trap, I looked at my 3 kids who were still babies and I just couldn't destroy their world with divorce.So for the next 23 years I destroyed ME. Fantasy and MO, hs porn last few years. Addicts always destroy themselves so here I am severely damaged , have ed and I did it to myself, no one else to blame. She
    passed a few years ago and kids are are grown and gone, have thei r own families.
    Time for me ya Think? Inspired by so much I read in other journals. Rebooting and living the flatline hell we will see at least I am in good company.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2017
    Saville likes this.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You are in the best company, if I may so. I've learned so much from my brothers here. I've learned more in a year and a half than in the previous thirty. Looking forward to following your journey.
     
  3. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Thx Saville feel better already not being alone something I was used to for a lot of years.
     
  4. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    You didn't have the tools to help your own life and so you were actually heroic for sticking with the marriage for the sake of the kids. I think that's something you can be really proud of. Nice Guys always put the onus on themselves to fix the problem. Of course, we usually marry someone who expects us to do just that, to be there through thick and thin, no matter how cray cray they get.

    I'm sorry to hear your wife passed. I'm sure that was tough even though it wasn't much of a marriage. Is there someone new on the horizon?
     
  5. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Welcome. Yes, addicts do destroy themselves and there is always a catalyst (and usually a few).
    I'm here to support and listen.
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  6. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Saville.....thank you for the regard. Yes nice guys put the onus on themselves however, that's the way old school was raised. I was a marine and duty was expected by my grandfather who raised me. Duty in all things. When I was about 7 he said to me and I never forgot it " remember son when you give your word it's to the death dosent matter what happens afterward." Well hell, I really loved my grandfather and Saville you are also correct that's what Jennifer expected of me, she was raised old school also.That's what men did you sucked it up. Sadly,no one on the horizon right now.Yes Jennifer's death was real hard though we never really had a marriage after the first 7 years.
    40....... Yup addicts always have a catalyst maybe a few sometimes real and sometimes imagined. So far guys so good. I am not 2 worried about m but the fantasy good grief! I lived in a fantasy world so this is to be expected but it's like fighting a dragon with a toothpick! Another day of no motivation forcing myself to do crap around the house since I am on vacation, the flatline is awesome WHOOWEE ! Yes indeede! Regards to all of you?................
     
  7. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    TOday was a weird day. I had REAL BAD fantasy last nite and early am. How bad was it, bad enough to give me "blue balls !"Interesting no touching or edging just brain power. Fantasy was about a woman I knew many years ago, I don't seem to fantasize with porn. Guess everything "down thar " isn't really dead though it feels like it with the flatline.What do you guys think a positive note or just more meaningless crap ?
     
  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    It's all part of the reboot. Blue balls aren't fun but they do go away, thankfully. It seems if your body really needs to ejaculate you will have a wet dream. Part of the healing process is that old memories come up, like the one with that woman.

    Stay strong!
     
  9. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Day 40, never thought I would get even this far. That's 40 days for pmo, fantasy is a whole other ballgame. 19 days for edging feel better already. Very lethargic however, part of the deal. I went out for a beer at the local Whole Foods last nite. Holy shit, was a 20 something yoga pants busty hottie staring at me so I did the eye crossing thing and she did it back and smiled.Then I thought " what the fuck am I doing (flatline ) head is into sex but body says " nada!" I just looked down into my beer and hoped she would shop away. She did. I finished beer and bought some Riccola cough drops and went to one of the registers to pay and guess who steps behind me. Shit, she taps me on shoulder and says " I really like your ponytail especially since it's all gray.' You know I know first hand how rejection feels so after small talk and she pays I asked her if she wanted to have a beer with me ,my second. "I was beginning to think you would never ask or you thought I was unattractive she says."Unattractive ! HOLY FUCK most guys would eat a mile of her poop just to get at her ass! Small talk over beer and like I said I know rejection first hand so I got her phone #. Told her I had to go, then she says "You know I can really see myself with an older guy ." By the way Heather you are smoking hot. You know after we parted I thought of what Saville said in one of his posts. You don't pick them THEY PICK YOU ! He's right, my wife picked me "said that's the man I want to father my babies, ran me down, fucked my brains out and made it seem like I was pursuing her. Same deal tonight the beginning of " hmm maybe I want this let's see ." Funny how reality sets in when you fight addiction. This isn't a ego rap it just reaffirms what I read here and think now days. By the way I was very flattered.
     
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  10. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Oh yeah I forgot what the hell do I do with the phone# now ? Call her up and say by the way I am not interested in Sex? She's a beautiful black girl and I can tell already that it's not "maybe this white guy is rich thing " it's real interest. You know guys I can't tell you how this experience bolstered my failing ego. But what the hell do I do ? These are the kind of problems I NEED to figure out yes sir reel! Comments suggestions ?
     
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wow, getting at young babe's number is cool. At first blush I would be wary. You have lived 2 1/2 times longer than here, and even though she may be wise for her age there is no compensating for that lack of experience. Your reboot is going really well, but I think it's too soon to get wrapped up in a 20 something girl. Though you may have no intention of sex now, these things always end up in the bedroom. Failure at this point would be devastating. Personally, I would take the flattery that it is, delete the number, and move on. Remember, the journey is about you and only you. It's a great sign that women are noticing you. This trend will continue and someone closer to your age and experience will cross your path.
     
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    When we reboot, it is like tilling soil that has been hard baked by the sun. This new soil allows things to grow and with time and patience to flourish. It is easy to become star struck by the first lovely weed that pops up, but these weeds must be pulled so that the nurturing things have a place to grow.
     
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  13. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

     
  14. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Saville Yup excellent advice, I am truly flattered but I decided late last nite that I needed to delete the phone #. I just hope I don't run into her again at the store because I frequent it. If I do I will tell a white lie and say I lost it Heather then whatever happens happens. Shit I wish I was OK because she is like I said smoking hot. Ya know I am real sensitive about rejection because I lived it in the most personal of ways. I just will not help to make her feel rejected I can't do that if that happens, call me weak so be it. Yes I realize it's about me but I will not shit on people to achieve my goals. Saville thank you for replying.................
     
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Caviet: This is me just talking out loud, OK? As I write I voice things to myself as much as anyone else here. In that sense I don't really believe in advice, as much as just sharing collective wisdom, thoughts, ideas. :)

    Why not tell her the truth? Let her know that she made an older man feel like a King for a day. It's not because you owe her anything, but because you owe yourself to be honest. By that I mean that we mustn't be afraid to say what we feel. We, you, are allowed to change our minds about something. Yes, it was sweet that she gave you her number. And, that's all it was, a bit of sweetness. You could have called her and received a big brush off, as she also had time to think about it. Rebooting men are attractive; I've experienced this myself. At the beginning of the reboot I definitely had nice looking women checking me out, even though I'm not that great to look at. There is a magnetism that happens when we are at the beginning of a quest.

    I lied all the time. I lied when I didn't have to. I could like about the weather we both were standing under just because. My modus-operandi was to fib continuously. Lying gives our power away and it's why I no longer do it. I mean, if my wife asks me if her ass is getting big (which it is) I'm definitely no telling her it looks like somebody inflated a raft under her pants. :D But, that isn't really a lie, because she knows the truth about her own body and I'm actually expected to tell her she looks great. Some men here, imo, confuse honesty with oversharing. You don't tell the beautiful lady that you have a porn addiction and were in a sexless marriage for years. Telling her that she made you feel great and that's she's beautiful is as honest as you need to get. She can make of it what she will, because you aren't responsible for her feelings.

    Having said all the above, if you could meet up with her and get your rocks off without any attachment then that would be fine. I know that if I was single, entering a situation like that would be dangerous waters, indeed.

    Hope you don't mind the long post! :D Again, just talking out loud.
     
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  16. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Brother, I got this for you.

    YOU control the situation...not her
    .

    YOU control your sexuality, call her if you like her...take her out...YOU control when and if you have sex, not her.
    If she can't deal with that...bye bye.

    Fucking porn...it seriously messes us up. You're a man. YOU lead..not her.

    When it doubt re-read the above.
     
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  17. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    You guys areAWESOME! Right don't need to tell her about sex less marriage and ed. I don't like to lie but if I had to to save her embarrassment I would. 40...... you're a pisser! That's me what you described, I am trying to be more "touchy feeley". Right fuck that, think I have a chance? I have gotten into so much trouble in my life because I dont shut my mouth. Mygrandfather once said " boy ya need to just keep yer mouth shut " Telling your wife that or anybody else is just gonna get your ass in hot water" To which I grinned at him and he smiled at me and would say "I think grandma dropped you on yer head a few times " On a side note how I loved that old man. Anyway thanks Saville for the "speaking out loud " and the plain truth by 40. Like I said you guys are awesome. Love you both in a male way ! Hahaha.
     
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2017
  18. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    I find it helps to write in this journal everyday. Another weird day today, no motivation at all, like I mean NONE ! Got up late with a feeling of gloom and doom started thinking about Jennifer, not good for me I know. Human males are so contrary. I think part of her really hated me and part of her loved me at least for the first 20 years. What good comes of this, none, at least none for me. What I am trying to understand is why her death affected me so drastically, given the fact that she really hated me I think. Part of the social conditioning, you married her boy, now buck up ! Part of the addict personality I think. Unwillingness to face the real deal. We as men can face anything we must, but when it comes to facing the fact that the woman we married hates us, NO WAY ! The addict personality, so what do we do, ignore it and numb ourselves with pmo or drugs or booze. Sorry, just rambling today. Let's see, cold showers working and I am on day 42 for pmo, fantasy not as successful but will get there. Smoking hot young woman gave me her phone # so much to be thankful for. Even beginning to feel some stirrings down there, how about that ? Later..............
     
  19. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    You know I had to go out and get some chicken feed and it's a bit of a ride so I was thinking in the truck how DESENSITIZED I must be, as I mentioned in previous post I have some ( very little feeling ) down there and I am thankful for any, but no erections yet. When I got this little feeling it really brought home in a BIG way how pmo fucks you up and seriously desensitizes you. It's so insidious, slowly so you never imagine it's happening and dont even understand it can happen until one day the plumbing does not work and you're "Wtf happened" Some thoughts mind wandering today............
     
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Bobo, you may experience quite a lot of this grief as your journey continues. As an addict you suppressed a whole lot of emotions and so now is the time to feel and process it. My wife and I fucking despised one another, yet here we are, a year and a half later, doing pretty well. Honestly, I despised myself, and the wife despised what she couldn't understand. Underneath it all was still a lot of love and I suspect that was true of your marriage too. Unfortunately none of us are very good at communicating. My wife was a total bag to me, but by forgiving myself for not having the tools to be a man, I also have forgiven her.

    Keep rambling, it's the best of medicine. :)
     
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