a short guy's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by a short guy, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I PMO'd Saturday. I was triggered by an good article critical of porn that was educational but oddly had an unecessary provocative image in it. I just flipped from disinterest to obsession, felt like it came out of the blue and unnecessary to do it. The last time I PMO'd was in April. Generally I have not had the interest or urge. I have masturbated, maybe once a month to thoughts of my wife. My wife and I continue to not have sex. I'm letting stress get in the way, keeps me fearfull of being present and intimate. At this point it's just a habit not to be sexual.

    I know I have a fear of rejection which is unfounded. I'm taking everything personally, regressing back to childhood reactions, feelings, fears. I am fully aware of all this stuff and have resolved it, but still falling into old patterns, almost out of laziness. I tend to PMO when I'm feeling good. If I feel depressed I don't PMO, because it just makes me feel worse. When I feel great and PMO, I still feel good afterwards because I have the intention to continue to feel good. But I know PMO-ing is holding me back, keeping me from being sexual with my wife. I do it instead.

    And, I used my phone. Too easy.
    Rudolf Geyse, jumptime and -Luke- like this.
  2. WastedYouth

    WastedYouth Member

    Hi Badger.

    I'm at a year and 8 months PM free and living alone during the week but see the gf most weekends.
    That helps of course and for some bizarre reason, I found the Covid lockdowns motivational and a challenge to my resolve for staying clean which I did.
    This website was inspirational too.

    It took many false starts to get to this stage after nearly 40 years of PMOing though I was in my mid-20s when the Internet, as we know it today, crystallised and P became more accessible.

    I came to the realisation that my mediocrity was likely attributable to my addiction as I am reasonably intelligent and fairly good looking from the reaction I get from women.These days, I rarely get the urge to PM and instead, much prefer the natural experience with my gf.

    Also, I view the visual act of PMO as ridiculous and a senseless waste of time and energy. I imagine looking at myself as another person in this instance. Works for me.

    While the fabled "superpowers" waned over time, I am most satisfied with all the improvements in my life related to work performance, relationships, desire for personal introspection and a general feeling of wellness due to getting adequate rest and interest in cooking wholesome meals for myself and others.
    I find the time I have now to just do useful things for myself and others is reward enough to stay the course.

    I haven't been on YBR for ages but thought I would drop past and see how others are doing and not because I have relapsed.

    Stick with it.
  3. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    My wife and I have had sex twice in past month which is really positive. We're both feeling more relaxed and just having fun and being present. I'm over-thinking about it less.

    I'm rarely tempted to view porn. I'm most temped when all is well, I'm feeling great, but have to do things that take self-confidence and are very challenging. Then I just want to procrastinate and avoid doing it at the moment.

    Had to get a new phone by Jan. 1st, old phone would no longer work, no longer supported. I am not tempted to use the new for porn like I was with my old phone. Fresh start. I got a new computer in July and have not been tempted to use it for porn. Fresh start. I removed my Brave and Tor browers, which makes going to porn less tempting.

    I feel tempted to use porn right now. Family is at the mall. Home alone. Things I'm doing that need to and I want to get done. Feeling great. Just feels familiar, to do a quick PMO. But I'm not. Came here to say that and prevent it from happening.

    The only solution is to not.
    Saville, Old Tom Bombadil and Mad Dog like this.
  4. You're pretty good to come here and write in your journal instead of watching porn. Definitely the thing to do.
  5. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks Bilbo! : )

    Still not doing porn. I have not PMO'd since August. This full-stop was initiated after getting a new computer (when I switched to using the phone until) and new phone. With both new, I didn't want to dirty the new devices. I do still have my old computer which has seen plenty of porn since 2009. But, I removed TOR and barely use the computer and have somehow managed to decided not to do it. Just decided it wasn't worth doing. Still know I could slip in a flash, and likely will some time in the future (interesting thought, never said that, "likely will" before). Generally not very interested. My memories of how bad, physically, mentally and emotionally I feel in the ensuing days are helping.

    I have been masturbating, not to porn, every few weeks or so. I'm not feeling terrible about it. But, I masturbate instead of reaching out to my wife for intimacy/sex for fear of rejection. An old pattern, totally illogical since my wife has never rejected me. PSTD-ish childhood issue that I should be over by now, had lots of therapy, but it's just too easy to take no risks, play it safe. Continuing to work on this.

    I'm still working on life's issues, but without the delay of acting out with porn. It's not easy, not even any easier, except my lows don't last near as long. I don't use porn to delay things. Porn would help me to procrastinate. I still procrastinate, with distractions, like chocolate, old comedy TV shows, music, projects, reading, but not with porn and not with really detrimental addictions.

    I'm doing things good for me. Getting regular and sufficient sleep. Healthy supplements. Keeping Vitamin D level high. Eating well. Meditating. Yoga. Choosing positive thoughts. Even though my mood still bottoms out, weekly it seems, I have been able more quickly to bring myself back up.
  6. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Staying away from porn and not interested in it nearly all the time. I think of it most when I come hear to write...
    Afraid of having sex with my wife. Not for physical reasons. It's more that when I regress into old patterns, moods, depressions, angers, those old patterns are the patterns of my childhood. And as a child I feared rejection. So when I'm in those regressed spaces I fear rejectioin. It's not logical. My wife will not reject me, never has, but when I'm feeling emotionally and mentally like a child, the fear of rejection is real.
    She wants to have sex too. We both get caught up in family stuff, stresses of life, get to bed too late, do prioritize it, etc.
    I know the only thing to to is be intimate, be sexual, jump into it even if the little child in me is afraid.
    It's silly to know this, to have had therapy and "resolved" it all.... supposedly, but still be controlled by my feelings.
    Sometimes I'm triggered and go back there like being 4 years old and afraid of my mom leaving me is real, NOW. It comes in a flash and I know how to come back to my senses. But at that moment I scold myself so ragingly and may hit my head and call myself terrible names. It quick, furious, then gone.
    I hadn't hit my head in a year or so and did a couple days ago. But not too hard and only once. Immediately back in reality and on track.
    Hitting my head is a secret thing from family. There's no benefit to telling my wife. I have in the past. I dealt with it in therapy for 40 years and know how to avoid it and not go there.
    I'm coming here to write about this. Now I will continue on, loving myself, doing my best to be mature, adult, present and intimate with my wife.
    Cheers, peace, no porning.
    Mozenjo, Saville and -Luke- like this.
  7. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Peace to you too, ASG. You're a good man, and you deserve the deeper connection with your wife you both crave. It's easy to say "don't be afraid", especially if you know she wants it too. But our brains aren't always rational when they're trying to protect us. Wishing you the best.
  8. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the kind words Mozenjo.

    Here is a link to a study associating nasal polyps to ED. My understanding about this is that with nasal polyps it's hard to breathe through the nose, so you mouth-breathe. When you nose breathe nitric oxide is created in the nasal cavity, when you mouth breathe you don't make any nitric oxide. Nitric oxide is important for cardio vascular health and plays a role in blood vessel dilation.
    Last edited: May 30, 2022
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    a short guy, you've explained your predicament well. It sounds like you know what's going on. But, you have blinders on. You are seeing just what you want to see, in order to justify not taking action. Make a move on your wife. Light that fire! You're already NOT having sex and are in that useless married-friend zone. Quit pretending you've got something to lose.
    Libertad likes this.
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The above sounds a bit harsh. I think you already know you are doing great in terms of abstaining from PMO. I'm writing how I feel about myself when I stay stuck. For instance, if someone wanted to be an actor, they couldn't just sit at home and hope someone would hire them, they'd have to actively look for work through auditioning. Healing is a verb.
    Libertad likes this.
  11. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I totally hear you Saville. Not harsh at all, just the truth.
    Saville likes this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    As I said, I think about myself in these terms, too. I have areas of my life where I'm still stuck. I'm not a stick in the mud, but a stuck in the mud. I have wanted for some time to complete a novel. I don't have aspiration to be a writer, but I do want to finish this one stupid book. I have the time to do it, but I keep making excuses. I spend time watching tv, working in the garden, talking with neighbors instead of doing the one thing I would like to do. The reason I've come up with is this: there is a payoff to not finishing it. So long as I don't make the effort then I can't fail. I do love critiquing other books, though. lol I absolutely love giving my opinions on why one book is good and another bad.

    Cheating on my marriage was no different. It was inevitable that I would cheat. I married someone very much like my mother and then blamed her for always bossing me around. I lost agency in the marriage because that's what I wanted. My wife got angry a lot with me, but it was anger I was used to, because I grew up with it. Over time I powered down and was allowed to power down. The payoff was that very little was expected of me. So long as I had a job (even though I underachieved at it) and did enough around the house, no one really bothered me. This suited my wife, because she's a person who wants to be in charge.

    I switched that paradigm, but there are still holdovers in my day to day life. I'm still struggling, but I know now that it is worth the struggle. Being active on the board has been so important to me. It is worth the effort to write in my own journal and the journals of others, even if no one is listening. Sooner or later, ASG, you will engage with your wife, just like I will finish my book. We are worth it, we just have to keep at it.
    Libertad likes this.
  13. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Wow, it's been a year since I was last here! I have been making slow and steady progress.

    I'm happy more than not, and when not, I have the ability to get back on track and be present and happy quickly.

    I can't remember when I last hit my head, it's been a long time.

    I have pmo'd 3 times in the past year, using my phone, about 4 months apart, spontaneous and short, during times of stress, no binging. Moved on quickly. I don't remember when the last time was.

    A year ago Saville wrote: " short guy, you've explained your predicament well. It sounds like you know what's going on. But, you have blinders on. You are seeing just what you want to see, in order to justify not taking action. Make a move on your wife. Light that fire! You're already NOT having sex and are in that useless married-friend zone. Quit pretending you've got something to lose."

    My wife and I did have sex since then, but a long time ago. I have still been pretending Okay, Good advice, to quit pretending that I have something to lose!

    I have been m-ing, not to porn, not to anything about once every 6 weeks. This is the time to take Saville's advice.

    The major change in my and my wife's life is we will be living alone again, and not with family, in exactly 3 weeks.! Yes, I'm counting the days! We've been married 18 years, and have only lived alone for 5 of those 18 years. We have helped out, supporting other family members, young, old, broke and ill. It's commendable of us, and we wanted to most of the time, that's what family is about, but, this will be good and healthy for us. We are setting healthier boundaries. This will help our relationship.

    I've been listening to Brian Tracy, which is helping with staying focused and getting things done s well as making lifestyle improvements.

    I rarely want to pmo, which is very good!
    Boxer17, path-forward and Mozenjo like this.
  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Good to hear from you, ASG. Wishing you all the best with your wife. Having the house to yourselves will hopefully allow for you two to connect more.
    Boxer17 likes this.

Share This Page