a short guy's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by a short guy, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Howdy Give Me Strength, yeah, sometimes the fall is a big one. I'm not on here much, but I'm journaling because I just PMO'd yesterday. Seems like I'm getting on a once a month schedule. I'm not binging. And not getting in to it too deep but it's happening. For a while I thought I was completely done. But I'll just keep getting back on the wagon. (When I was a kid, I was on a Halloween hay ride and the wagon actually did tip over with lots of kids on it. Miraculously no one got hurt. We all just righted the wagon and got back on.)

    When I do PMO, I don't feel the drama and shame and obsessiveness as much as I use to. Generally I feel pretty darn good. Happier in my life than I ever have been. Lifestyle, diet, work good. Meditating, exercising. The big thing missing is having sex with my wife. It's not because of her. She wants to. I want to. I just keep getting distracted. I have this fear in me about having sex. Not of anything physical, it's more of abandonment feelings coming up again. I fear rejection. Not true rejection. My wife loves me and is willing to be sexual. I'm just caught up in my feelings of it feeling risky. It feels safer and easier to PMO. I have total control and no risk of rejection since it's all make believe.

    I do know that it's time to get over this fear of rejection. I've have plenty of therapy and have actually resolved things. Now it's just a habit that's easier than real sex. In truth, I'm just lazy at the moment. Taking the easy way. Easier to masturbate or PMO. A little guilt but no fears.

    It's time to move through the fear and start being romantic with my wife.. again. I usually come across loud and gregarious (or sometimes angry) too often rather than gentle and quiet which she tells me would be more romantic.

    Much to work on.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  2. Clovis6

    Clovis6 Well-Known Member

    Hi A Short Guy,

    It sounds like you’ve made progress, as you say its a month schedule and not binging. You also mentioned that you feel pretty damn good, so that’s always a good indicator! Like you said, timeto work on the big thing that is missing - sex with your wife. That might be the final piece of the puzzle.
  3. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the positive remarks. Yes, time to fill in the the final puzzle piece!

    This time around, PMO-ing, I went back and did it a second time, kind of unnecessarily. Didn't have to, didn't really even feel too compelled to, just did. And it quickly escalated into porn images the kind of which I haven't gone to in years. I felt shame, actually kind of taken aback. I fell into a place of viewing images that normally discussed me, so quickly. That Coolidge Effect thing. It was quick and I didn't waste much time, but I was somewhat appalled by my choices. Usually, I'm not too ashamed. Simple partial nudity is usually all it takes anymore.

    I realize that the PMO'er in me is the anxious child, of the past, who is afraid of rejection, therefore afraid of intimacy, acting out to soothe himself (myself) is times of fear and stress. The real me is unconditionally loving, feeling sexual feelings with my wife, just enjoying being present and happy and carefree, knowing and feeling secure that my wife loves me and accepts me as I am just as I accept her as she is.

    I do remember a time, a memory, when I was young, perhaps 3, when I felt totally content, at peace, filled and bubbling over with joy. Just laying in my bed or crib or whatever so naturally full of love. I remember that. That's the real me. That's who I truly am. I also remember the learned fears, anxieties, stresses, sadness and how hard it was to cope with it. I totally remember how later masturbation and then pornography began my soother, my escape, my coping mechanism that I would choose over real relationships and intimacy with real people.
  4. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    It's been about 2 weeks. I'm feeling tempted but knowing it's not worth it. It's just easier than rekindling a sexual relationship with my wife. She's up for it. I want it. There's just this odd fear of rejection. We've been married 15 years. The wounded child in me is speaking. I know how to be present, be the 61 year old man that I am. I know my wife and I will always be happy being sexual. I know it will be positive and bring us closer together. PMO-ing is just easy. But it is like selling my soul and my sanity. It would be a step backwards and somewhat of a waste of precious time. Still the urge is there.
    Gil79 likes this.
  5. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey - I'm not sure why I've not really connected before but I've just read your last few posts and totally know the feeling you describe. PMO just seems easier doesn't it? And then it sucks when you realise you've fallen for the trap again...o_O

    Anyway, just thought I'd shout some encouragement your way - not from a position of any expertise but just a fellow relapse-warrior. You can do it!
  6. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for that. Much appreciated!

    I did PMO yesterday morning. Woke up at 4 am and couldn't get back to sleep and just allowed myself to drift off the path. The only reason was this chronic anxiety I've been feeling over my wife and I not being sexual. We go for many months at a time. Both wanting to, say we want to, but not. I'm caught up in fearing judgment, rejection, stuff that is not true, but old and in the way. So I always say it and know it... that it's time to put in a little effort and intent on being romantic and fostering a sexual relationship with my wife.
  7. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    We all get caught in old and repetitive patterns of thought (don't I know it!) but try focusing on the positive - simply finding a way out from an addiction that's hurting you. I know I've said this a lot and I don't always get it right myself but you need to focus on yourself only. Shame about how you've let others down will only drag you back down. Keep going!
  8. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Yes, agree. Thank you.

    My time between PMO-ing is increasing. This time 49 days. I generally have no interest in it, I've filled my days with positive thoughts and things from work to yoga to reading to life, but then I just give it a little thought and it sucks me in like quick sand.

    Two areas to focus on, one is the idea that if I have little risk of being found out I've a higher risk of PMO-ing, but I'm to the point where I do have control as to whether I do or don't PMO, I've just become laxidasical about it. The other is that my wife an I no longer have sex. Everythng is in our favor to have sex, but we both are not prioritizing it and allowing life stress get in the way. I must take the lead and prioritize. We both want to.
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I see porn as similar to highly processed fake food, devoid of anything resembling life sustaining real food. I could put it in my mouth but know it would shorten and decrease my quality of life. So, I don't. I don't even taste it anymore because I believe it's that toxic, a poison. It's also addictive. I use to binge on it. I use to try and avoid life's problems. It only made me feel sick, never resolved anything. It took years to admit my addiction to it and then to actually stop eating it. It took caring for and educating myself and developing an appreciation for the amazing benefits and necessity of real food. It took experiencing the positive changes in my mental, emotional and physical health. Now, I am a different person in my relationship to food because I rewired my gut and reorganized all the chemicals and neurotransmitters related to food and eating.

    Just like fake food, I can always fall back into porn use even though I have rewired my brain and reorganized my neurochemicals. Fake food is readily available. Porn is readily available. Fake food is poison. Porn is poison. Fake food still holds the false promise of solving life's problems.when I am struggling, regressing, suffering, or just plain tired. Porn holds those false promises as well.

    When I quit eating fake food , I replaced it with the real thing.

    Well, I quit using porn... with the occasional slip, but I haven't had the courage to replace it with the real thing yet. Time to do that. I keep saying this.
    Mozenjo likes this.
  10. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    ASG, from what you've said in earlier posts, you and your wife both want to reconnect sexually. Having been married before, I know what long dry spells are like. All I can offer is that, once she knows you are ready, and that you want it because you love her, I think it will happen. She may be as apprehensive as you are. Maybe a date night is in order? I know date nights are different in these current times, as going to dinner and a movie usually means eating outside at a restaurant and watching something on Netflix, but it's the thought that counts, right? Anyway, as you say, replacing the junk food of porn with real sex is what you need, and it is what you deserve. Wishing you the best.
  11. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks Mozenjo. It is pretty obvious I'm just afraid to take that first step. So, I will make that effort and know in my heart my wife will follow.

    I removed the only two browsers I've used for the past 2 years to access porn, Tor browser from my computer and DuckDuckGo privacy browser from my phone. When I don't have them I don't look at porn. So, now my goal is to not put them back on like I've done so many times in the past. It feels similar to pouring the last whiskey down the drain then eventually going to the liquor store and buying another bottle.
    Mozenjo and positivef like this.
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Nothing really new. I seem to be on a once a month PMO-use trajectory.
    I still haven't made the effort to be sexual with my wife.
    Just treading water in the same lagoon and afraid to swim out to sea.
    positivef likes this.
  13. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    You've have a couple of nearly two month runs. Do you know what is the trigger for falling in?
  14. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the question positive! from over two months ago. Obviously I haven't been addressing this.

    The trigger is simply thinking I can mindlessly surf non-porn images, one image leads to another, with each more dopamine inducing, it just escalates from their. It is when I should be doing something else, like working, getting projects done, being truly creative. So it happens when I am avoiding.

    But, what I'm really avoing... I also am avoiding having a real sexual relationship with my wife. I was married before and did the same thing. Avoided being sexual. My former wife looked elsewhere. My current wife isn't but wants sex as much as me. We're jsut both avoiding it. Actually, I'm avoiding the intimacy, the communication necessary, it feels risky. Just old fears, not logical. Taking things personally if she's not interested at the moment. Just old crap, old regressed crap.

    It's just easier to PMO. No talk, no work, no worries, I'm in total control and don't have to deal with real stuff.

    We use to have a good sexual relationship. I know we can again. I just have to be willing to step into it.

    Even right now, if my wife weren't home, I feel like I would just PMO. If for no other reason than it's just easy. Right now she's too preoccupied with preparing for a class she is teaching tomorrow. I'm more spontaneous. I want to have sex when it's not convenient for her. I understand and respect that. I/we need to work on this. I know that.

    PMO-ing doesn't destroy me immediately like it use to. The guilt and shame isn't as raw and harsh. It's still there, but it seems like I could live with it now whereas in the past I was near suicidal about it. I love myself, forgive myself and take care of myself better.

    Still, PMO-ing really affects me in a bad way. Within 24 hours of PMO-ing I ALWAYS (I mean consistantly) feel ill, get a headache, sometimes to the point of nausea, I feel exhausted, negative thoughts come in, depression, not always intense, sometimes it's milder, but I get grouchy and regress to the more negative person with lower self-esteem that I use to be. All projects and creative enterprises get put on hold for a week or so. I'm unable to be very creative.

    Yet the craving, the addiction remains. I feel the urge now but know I won't because my wife is here and we live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. I want to make a change for this new year. I want to be 100% clean and sober as I once was, I think for a year and nine months. Once I got past a certain point, once I made that commitment to be completely PMO-free, it was easy. I had no interest at all.

    Now I don't really have much interest. Porn is terrible. It is demeaning to women, to humans. It is everything I strive not toe embrace. So, that's logical. I still feel the drive for the dopamine rush......

    I know it's time to put the effort and time into a sexual relationship with my wife.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    @a short guy, you've nailed it on the head. Your insight is clear and concise.
  16. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    In spite of having just PMO'd, I'm choosing to remain positive. I'm being productive today, getting some writing done and doing chores around the house. When my wife gets home this evening I will have dinner ready which she'll be happy for and I will listen and give her my time a attention. I'll look at the things to appreciate to today, in her, in life which considering isn't going too bad for me. I'm lucky or blessed.
    Boxer17 and Mozenjo like this.
  17. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    a short guy,
    how or what did you do to get a year and nine months clean. i am barely getting to 90 days and struggling daily. i can use help from anyone who has beaten this monster. thank you in advance,
  18. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member


    A couple things come to mind...

    I got very involved on this forum. I was on here nearly everyday. I followed and was inspired by certain people I connected with and who were positive and supportive. I welcomed new comers, offered my thoughts, provided support and encouragement to others as best I could. I read other's stories. I committed myself to the group just like a 12 step program. This got me out of focusing on myself.

    I went cold turkey. I made porn and masturbation NO OPTION. Anything remotely pornographic, even a pretty face on a magazine cover was NO OPTION. I was able to stop PMO-ing for a long time initially because I felt I was held accountable by others. Right now, I am not making PMO-ing NO OPTION.... I've gotten lax because I seem to be able to moderate the PMO-ing, and am never binging, and I feel better about myself, less depressed and not self-abusive. I would do well to take my own advice and go NO OPTION... I remember thinking to myself, "Hmm, I could PMO right now"... then realize, "Oh yeah, that's right, I don't do that anymore." When I've been at that place, it was good.

    I read, watched videos and learned a lot about this addiction. https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

    Boxer17, Mozenjo and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  19. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Still no PMO since January. In many ways things are gong well in my life, work, play, spiritually, physically...but still not having sex with my wife. We're loving, physical, intimate and things are good between us. I tend to be spontaneous. She likes to plan. Work, tiredness, other obligations, just not taking the time to set the mood gets in the way. I do need to prioritize and do this sex thing. After all we are married and we4 both want to, and both are letting other things distract us. Mostly it's just being too tired, so must be working at wooing earlier. And not get caught up in regressive emotional patterns....

    The urge to PMO is happening but not going there today.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  20. badger

    badger Well-Known Member

    thank you so much for the much needed advice.
    Boxer17 likes this.

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