The best part of this is that you are able to say that you love yourself, a short guy That keeps things real and is the only thing that is real Nice work!!!
Thanks Bobo, Saville, NCBob, I wish you well. Just came here to say I'm still off porn, since 4/6/18. The longer I'm away from it the less it's a option I want to take. When people disappear from the forum we wonder if they are staying p-free. Cheers!
Well, I hadn't used porn for one year and 9 months. Today I did. All is well in general. Work. Relationship with my wife. Family. Life in general. Not depressed. I just slipped into it with Tor browser which I will now remove from my computer.
Thank you for writing that. Our family never mentioned sex at all growing up. That stuff was shameful. I was even embarrassed to have a girlfriend in high school. I have used tapes and magazines before the internet. I look forward to eventually seeing the light and breaking in through. I am PMO free this month but kind of am still miserable. I can’t wait til this is a distant memory. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Did you ever have anxiety socially like you were less then?
ASG, going that long without porn is fantastic. You are to be commended. And good for you for logging on to stay accountable for it. Stories like yours give us hope.
The longer I'm away from porn the happier I am, the more it is a distant memory. Replacing that porn use time with all the good and rewarding stuff in life is what helps me. Still it's always only one click away. I feel less shame and less desire to do it again and binge. It does feel easier to let go of dwelling on my slip. Yet, here I am, on the forum replying to you instead of using porn which I feel like doing right now. I can relate some. Our family never mentioned sex, sexuality, like it didn't exist. I used pre-internet porn secretly and shamefully starting with Sears catalog. Was ashamed of my sexuality and thought it was unholy, evil, the devil's thing. I lived in a conservative farming community, God vs sexuality. Much of my shame was fostered from outside the home. My parents didn't mention sexuality but didn't condemn it. My church and fundamentalist friends did. I had only one high school girlfriend. Her father was our minister and he hated me and prevented us from eventually getting married, which we would have. My girlfriend chose her father over me. What her father didn't realize was that I was probably the perfect (in his eyes) boyfriend. We rarely kissed let alone have sex. I respected my girlfriend, who I never publicly said was my "girlfriend". I was always trying to be good and perfect unsuccessfully in her father's eyes. I was ashamed of what I was doing, masturbating. Sometimes with porn, but usually without it as it was hard to come by. I held that secret, hating myself for it. I wanted to stop but couldn't and hated myself for it. I became a "born again Christian" because I was so afraid of going to hell because of my secret masturbation habit. Later in life I became suicidal, at least in thought. Never attempted suicide, but lived and drove a bit recklessly and obsessed and wrote about detailed ways I'd kill myself. I journaled self-deprecation, self-hate, soothed myself to sleep by imaging in detail my suicidal plans. I"ve moved past all that, had counseling, changed my lifestyle for the better, developed my own spirituality and have become much more happy. Those shame and guilt feelings still are with me. Logically I can let them go, but if I'm in a less than happy mood shame, those feelings affect my relationship and sex with my wife. What helps the most, besides no porn, is choosing and working on being happy, getting sleep, eating well, yoga, meditation, exercise, practicing higher personal and spiritual values. I'm involved with a church, but it's more metaphysical and love affirming which works for me. I did go through a period of social anxiety. In high school I had only a couple friends. When I was 20 I spent a Winter being rather paranoid and fearful of leaving the house, sometimes even to get the mail. I was living with my grandparents in another town where I knew no one else. I was afraid of what neighbors would think of me. Felt like everyone was watching me and could read my thoughts. It didn't last and was related to feeling isolated. I was using porn magazines at the time that I had found in dumpsters. This started my habit/addiction of wandering the alleys, often at night, wearing black and dumpster diving for porn.
Thanks Mozenjo! I'm not on here much anymore but I do feel obligated to remain accountable and will remain so.
PMO'd again Monday, the day after Superbowl Sunday. Still refraining from binging. In my opinion the half-time show was totally inappropriate for a family audience. It was embarrassing. I take full responsibility for my PMO'ing, but that didn't help. My wife and I don't have regular TV. We watch DVD's or something through the internet together now and then, but not too often. I don't follow sports. We didn't watch the game but watched the half-time show the next morning. We had heard that local bands were in the half-time show and were excited to hear them. I was naively expecting marching band field formations with pop star singers somehow mixed in, pretty traditional stuff. Instead we saw a pole dancing strip tease with a tone of mysogyany.
Two weeks not viewing or using porn. I'm beyond any real justification to view and use porn. I know it doesn't solve anything, just temporarily avoids issues... and I don't have serious issues to solve at the moment in my life that I can't address head on. Still, right now I'd rather be PMO'ing but won't. Instead I'll work on my taxes. Then finish listening to my book on tape. Make dinner. Get the mail. Be present for my wife when she gets home. I'd rather PMO, but I won't. I sure do want to, but I won't.
I know the feeling. Good for you for coming here to post instead of you know what... You're right, of course. PMOing would not solve anything. It would bring the usual regret. Not worth it. At all.
Thanks for the comments Mozenjo and NCBob. I did my taxes instead of PMO, was rather boring but I got a little back which was good. I'm at that familiar place where binging could easily happen for no reason, just an urge at boring-ish times. Feeling okay in spite of a pandemic which has been positive in that it has brought my family together. No work. No school. No church. No library. No porn today for sure.
Good way to put it NCBob My recent stumbles are directly related to using Tor browser. So I got rid of it., again. I don't tempt myself unless I have Tor installed. I have little interest in or thoughts anymore about porn in general. Life is good, in spite of life's stress, which there is much right now. It feels like Tor is just a trigger, plane and simple. I rationalize to myself that I must protect my privacy, when in fact it's always that I know I will use porn if I use Tor.
Hello ASG, I hope all is well. I am returning to the forum after a long absence and checking on a few journals I followed in the past. As I read through your last few posts, you are inspiring. We all fall and the cool thing is you picked yourself up and did what you had to do to continue your recovery. That is what I suck at... once I fall off the wagon it is a long and deep fall for me. So great work my friend and thank you for the inspiration throughout the years. Sincerely, GMS
