a short guy's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by a short guy, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I've been feeling more balanced. I've actually been doing this "opposite day" thing in my mind saying, "it's opposite day" when I'm feeling stressed. Especially when I'm feeling angry at others or myself. It has been helping to reframe the moment and lighten up. There are times to express myself, this doesn't feel like burying the emotion or running from them, it just is not allowing situations and my judgements and my judgements of myself for having my judgements taking immediate hold. It seems to keep me from spiraling quickly down into a head hit.

    What has also helped is breathing through my heart center, mentally breathing in love and out love and bringing to mind my first memory in life, my best memory of lying contentedly and at peace in my crib looking up at a blanket draped over the crib rails with sunlight shining through it. Peaceful, content, pure love. This is based on Heart Math. It's simple, yoga-like, like pranayama, breathing in and out through the heart chakra. Gets me out of my head and into my heart instantly.
     
    40New30 likes this.
  2. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thank you Squire. I've done something similar in the recent past up until "Imagine destroying the old memory....". I've done inner child work, visualizations in the past, it's time to do this again. I've got to take the time. In the distant past, during a therapy session I put unwanted memories into a box, locked it and destroyed it. And I've used the image of Saint George slaying the dragon. I have to make some time for this. I haven't been. Writing down descriptive names is a good idea. It's easy for me to forget things and not get as lasting a benefit.
     
    Squire likes this.
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Awesome advice...there is no victory without serious stress management, basically finding peace.
    A good, healthy life is the best cure for addiction. It is a simple, yet narrow path.
     
    Squire likes this.
  4. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I haven't done the destruction of unwanted memories before -- well maybe a bit -- but it sounds like a wise move.

    Have a good day, ASG!
     
    Squire likes this.
  5. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    I find the destruction of the old memory to be really helpful, so the next time it tries to come back I can remember, "wait, I blew that one up. It's gone now." But I don't know, others might find it more helpful to reconstruct that memory in a more positive way. It might be what I'm suggesting is a form of denial. Anyway. Think about it, if it's useful, use with those provisos in mind.
     
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This technique was developed into a method called NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming). I read a book by one of the founders, Richard Bandler, and found it useful. There are various ways for us to move forward with our life and most involve doing something simple, something that's easily repeatable. I often tell past memories to fuck off. It is a form of denial, in a way, but studies have shown that trauma victims who are successful in being able to get past things are able to let the past stay in the past. The one's who replay the movie loop over and over stay stuck. PMO is a visual loop and it is why ditching the habit is so critical to getting, and staying, healthy.
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2018
    TheScriabin and Squire like this.
  7. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thank you everyone for posting your thoughts and advice and good wishes on in my journal! It's much appreciated! I'm reading it all and giving it all some thought. I'm coming here more often to write and process.

    I am still doing these....

    Peace
     
    Squire likes this.
  8. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Just thoughts....

    Sometimes I'm just confused and frustrated with internet related things, like how to listen to an ebook on an app from the library or use iTunes or backup my website. Other times it's easy or the challenge is fun and OK. I can always google it and find the answer. But all this takes time and effort which is sometimes OK and matter-of-fact. Sometimes I just want life to be simple, easy, straight forward. I just want to pop in a cassette tape or turn on the radio and shift gears manually. My work requires internet use, website, blogging etc. I would prefer to do manual labor. But the internet based work I'm pursuing is fulfilling, it's about teaching, learning, growing, becoming a better person. It's challenging in a self-actualizing way. Manual labor would be just easy but not really fulfilling. It's just that this internet age of business does not come naturally.

    In the past when frustrated about such things I use to REGULARLY hit my head, break things, berate myself, basically have a temper tantrum and masturbate to porn. Now I have tools to curb this, to calm myself, put things in perspective. The frustration doesn't last long or get so intense. Still I'm tired of this.

    All in all things are OK. I am more often remaining present. It does take constant re-focusing through out the day on breathing in and out of my heart area thinking of a pleasant thought, abdominally breathing, basically bringing my awareness back to my breath... the present moment.

    I spent the majority of my life not aware of the present moment, living in the past or future in my mind, in daydreaming, fantasizing, remembering, escaping. So much time has been spent just surviving emotionally. Things are better. I do admit. Yes, much better. I suppose had I kept on the same course, with porn, living in make believe world, I'd be, well just a mess in every aspect of my life.

    I tend to be very hard on myself. I'm saying this to tell myself of this fact. I'm way too hard on myself. Lighten up. I'm an OK guy. I try to be the best I can and that's good enough, about all I can do. If I were to talk with the victim-abused side of me and the bully-abuser side of me, I'd say the same thing. Lighten up. You both are doing the best you can do. And who you are is good enough. There's no need to put yourself or the other down to prove your worth. You have value just as you are. There's no need to compare. You are both unique and valid as individuals. Neither of you is to blame for things of the past.You are unique but equal. You're just different, and those differences are gifts, useful. Intellectual and creative, assertive and empathetic, powerful and sensitive. You could be a team, together you could compliment each other and get a lot done. Ultimately you both just want love and recognition... and safety. You could give yourselves that. You could realize you are really the same person, you both are A Short Guy. If you worked together, functioned as a unit, you'd be a fully well rounded powerhouse of a human being with character and integrity beyond mesure.... I'm just sayin'.
     
    Saville likes this.
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I don't listen well to my wife in conversations. She doesn't listen to me. I always interject my opinions and my experiences related to what she is saying. She does the same, but me more than her. I talk a lot. She talks much less. I grew up in a family of 10. I felt like my voice was never heard. Whoever spoke the loudest was heard. But when I was heard I felt like my opinion wasn't valued; actually I felt like I wasn't valued; I took it personally. I felt invisible. My wife grew up in a small family but she was never allowed to speak. She learned to be quiet, Not say anything in order to not get in trouble. Her parents were volatile. So being quiet help to not fuel her parents anger. In a way she learned to listen, or at least be quiet while someone else is talking. I became gabby, with my talk being all focused on me.

    So, she doesn't get when I say she's not listening. She thinks she is. This issue is nothing new. She thinks she's listening. I think she isn't because she's not letting me finish. I for sure am not listening. My conclusion is for me to practice actively listening. Mirroring back what I think she has said to make sure I got it right. After all, the point of her telling me something about her experience is that she wants to tell me about her experience. If she wants advice she will ask. I don't need to give her my advice or related it to my experience all the time. I cannot control how she responds and I really don't think she thinks she isn't listening sometimes.

    -------

    Porn is not in my life at the moment. I have little interest. It helps to not even peak at unnecessary pre-porn, we have no TV, I have never looked at porn on my phone and not breaking that rule is helping. Still there's always a little voice and realization that I can spontaneously for no apparent reason just start looking at porn. I just keep saying to myself don't go there at all.
     
  10. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    No one listens to anyone. At one time there was an art to conversation, but now it's just a free for all of people trying to be heard, to have their opinion validated. Very few people chat anymore, they just say what they already believe and so no learning ever takes place. My wife seldom, if ever, really listens to what I'm saying. Like most people she just can't wait to hear her own opinion expressed. I'm still learning to be a better listener. Reading the journals of others, and really reading (listening) what they're saying, has been a big help.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  11. dudeonthebayou

    dudeonthebayou If gutters didn't exist...

    Hey Shortguy, I haven't posted in almost 3 years. Popping in to say hello.!
     
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Yes. I'm still not listening to my wife enough, although I am catching myself some, I have my good moments. I am realizing the key is working on my own listening skills, changing my own not listening behavior, since that's all I have control over. And I do find that if someone else does not listen, say a co-worker, I tend to not interact with them as much, I get tired of hearing them. I do listen to others outside my immediately family more.

    I grew up with 7 brothers and sisters, no one listened to each other except one brother. He was a great listener. He was well liked, popular.
     
  13. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Hi dudeonthebayou, I hope all's going well. Thanks for saying hello. I'm not on here much either, which for me is a good sign. Things are going well. Just looked at my signature, looks like I've been porn-free nearly 5 months.
    __________

    I still have urges. Sometimes it would be so easy to just PMO just to do it. But I know it would be senseless. So of course I haven't. Still the urge though now and them. Not when I'm stressed, more often when all is going well and I'm feeling good.

    In general I'm doing well. Family situations are still stressful, nothing has really changed but my wife and I and family are talking about things as they come up. I am listening a little more than I did, that does help. We also have gotten involved in our local church, this is new, we moved here in April and just getting to meet and know people and do things with them has been really good. I'm connecting with my higher power, with the spiritual which is helping a lot.

    So, generally all is well. The addict has not been enabled.
     
    Libertad likes this.
  14. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    I DO get it. It's where I'm struggling right now, not metaphorically. I mean RIGHT now... It would be so easy to just PMO. But I'm here instead. Seeking out the men I know who both understand and will hold me to the higher call.

    You are one of those men I can count on, ASG...thank you.
     
  15. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I hate to bust your bubble, Saville...I listen:) very intently:)to what you have to say:D
     
  16. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    My wife and I are having a challenging time with family. We are living with daughter and 7 year old grandson who are dysfunctional. Grandson is 50/50 with his father who is dysfunctional. Living amongst dysfunctional family in dysfunctional relationships. It's all out of our hands and we're keeping our boundaries and just letting it be as best we can. But we're stuck with this living arrangement for now because of lack of money. We spent our savings to help with legal fees and living expenses over the past year. Ultimately it has not helped. Nothing has changed. Family is just as dysfunctional. The same patterns continue and no one is getting professional help. We've given our advice only when asked. Daughter is just hoping/wishing things will get better but not taking care of herself and not making any changes, not doing anything different. Father is a bad influence to put it very mildly. We're saving slowly and intend to move by the end of the year.

    Good news is my wife and I are doing alright. We're loving and enjoying each others companionship more and more. We're doing things with the church, work and making some friends. It's just a difficult environment to be living in.
     
  17. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Generally life has been getting better. My relationships with my family, daughter and grandson is better. I am reacting less and keeping my boundaries. I'm seeing them more positively, looking for the positive instead of criticizing and just trusting that they can figure things out for themselves, that they don't have to live their lives the way I think they should. I'm working on myself rather than trying to control them.

    My wife and I moved 1400 miles to this new place 6 months ago. We are doing well, the best we ever have. We're involved with the community, church, neighborhood, work more and more. I'm not using or wanting to use porn. I rarely masturbate, it's probably been a month and a half. My wife and I are intimate, loving, but haven't had sex in a couple months. I seem to be afraid of letting go and being sexual. I'm in a low libido phase. Family stress, actually any stress and not handling it well makes me interested in sex less and porn more. I know it's time to snap out of it and get back to having a sexual marriage. First it was porn that got in the way, or rather that I used instead. Now it seems to just be a bad habit. It's easier to not be sexual than to communicate and work together on being sexual.
     
  18. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I hardly come here anymore. I have not PMO'd for 9 months. During that time I did briefly view some bikini and nudity a few times. I have less and less interest in porn. Sometimes there's an anxious moment in my life when I use to turn to porn but porn's feeling less like a option to utilize. Everything isn't perfect in my life but porn is losing it's place in my mind as a viable tool to deal with things.

    Family situations are still stressful. A child custody case going on with a grandson. My wife and I living in an area where not sure we want to be. My wife and I are doing OK but haven't had sex in a while. It seems family stress just takes the spark out of us. I DO HAVE TO work on this! I am still feel rather depressed and self-absorbed sometimes and that keeps me from opening up and being sexual with my wife. Every month or so I wake up horny in the middle of the night and masturbate in the dark, at night beside my sleeping wife. She does not like to be awakened as she has a history of insomnia and would have trouble getting back to sleep. I'm not doing this right I know. I could be making life for us a little romantic, I could and should be wooing her... still I'm not... and know I should and would enjoy it, each other, we both would. Just need to step out of this rut.

    I'm more involved in church and in my spirituality. That's a big factor in not going back to porn. It feels like such a low vibration, the memory of how terrible I feel afterward is still keeping me realizing how bad it would be for me to go back there. And generally it feels more disgusting than it use to.

    Health is good for me and my wife. Eating well, healthy life styles both of us. I wasn't healthy when I was PMO-ing. Generally family is healthy except for that child custody thing which is going to be going on for a long time. Work is good although we lost all our savings in legal fees for family. Still we're not in debt and I enjoy my work.

    I most difficult thing for me to work on improving is my judgmental attitude. I'm critical of others, family especially. I don't mention it and tend to keep it to myself. My spiritual faith helps, which is more metaphysical. I strive to see the good in others and in myself, but it isn't always easy.

    I think the biggest factor in keeping myself away from porn is my involvement with family, friends, church. If I was a bachelor or had too much time alone it would be more difficult to stay away from porn. Luckily we live in a small place with extended family. Also I want to be a good role model for my grandson. I especially don't like the feelings I've had in the past of being secretive and sneaky.

    It seems like I've lost touch and interest in this forum. It does take a lot of time and I am keeping myself busy with the real everyday things in life, family, work, creativity, cleaning the house, helping cook, maintenance. We are busy. We don't even have at TV hooked up. I'm playing music, guitar and piano, reading books, studying fields of interest, somethings I didn't have time for when PMO-ing. Riding my bike to work. Getting outside a lot. Going to the beach. Playing with my grandson.

    So I guess this was an update of sorts. Things are OK. Life is stressful but I am handling it better than I use to.... when PMO-ing life was hell. Life is not always easy now but it is OK. It's not hell. Since quitting PMO-ing, which did happening quite cold turkey, but I really quit the daily unabated habit about six years ago, at the time I joined the forum, Feb. 27,2013. Went P-free for long stretches, 9 months, 6 months, 3 months, etc. rather than daily or weekly. Since the day I joined this forum I've learned and now practice regular meditation, regular yoga, eat well, sleep regularly, in general things are better. I'm got out of the dark pit of self-imposed hell.

    All's I can say is thank you. I have such gratitude that I'm out of that dark and horrible place.

    I can actually say now that I love myself. I truly do. Wow, that major. I have hated myself all my life and have only been able to consistently have love for myself within the past 6 months. It's the spiritual growth and the p-free time.

    I wish the best for all on this forum. Peace.
     
    NCBob likes this.
  19. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I hardly come here anymore. I have not PMO'd for 9 months. During that time I did briefly view some bikini and nudity a few times. I have less and less interest in porn. Sometimes there's an anxious moment in my life when I use to turn to porn but porn's feeling less like a option to utilize. Everything isn't perfect in my life but porn is losing it's place in my mind as a viable tool to deal with things.

    Family situations are still stressful. A child custody case going on with a grandson. My wife and I living in an area where not sure we want to be. My wife and I are doing OK but haven't had sex in a while. It seems family stress just takes the spark out of us. I DO HAVE TO work on this! I am still feel rather depressed and self-absorbed sometimes and that keeps me from opening up and being sexual with my wife. Every month or so I wake up horny in the middle of the night and masturbate in the dark, at night beside my sleeping wife. She does not like to be awakened as she has a history of insomnia and would have trouble getting back to sleep. I'm not doing this right I know. I could be making life for us a little romantic, I could and should be wooing her... still I'm not... and know I should and would enjoy it, each other, we both would. Just need to step out of this rut.

    I'm more involved in church and in my spirituality. That's a big factor in not going back to porn. It feels like such a low vibration, the memory of how terrible I feel afterward is still keeping me realizing how bad it would be for me to go back there. And generally it feels more disgusting than it use to.

    Health is good for me and my wife. Eating well, healthy life styles both of us. I wasn't healthy when I was PMO-ing. Generally family is healthy except for that child custody thing which is going to be going on for a long time. Work is good although we lost all our savings in legal fees for family. Still we're not in debt and I enjoy my work.

    I most difficult thing for me to work on improving is my judgmental attitude. I'm critical of others, family especially. I don't mention it and tend to keep it to myself. My spiritual faith helps, which is more metaphysical. I strive to see the good in others and in myself, but it isn't always easy.

    I think the biggest factor in keeping myself away from porn is my involvement with family, friends, church. If I was a bachelor or had too much time alone it would be more difficult to stay away from porn. Luckily we live in a small place with extended family. Also I want to be a good role model for my grandson. I especially don't like the feelings I've had in the past of being secretive and sneaky.

    It seems like I've lost touch and interest in this forum. It does take a lot of time and I am keeping myself busy with the real everyday things in life, family, work, creativity, cleaning the house, helping cook, maintenance. We are busy. We don't even have at TV hooked up. I'm playing music, guitar and piano, reading books, studying fields of interest, somethings I didn't have time for when PMO-ing. Riding my bike to work. Getting outside a lot. Going to the beach. Playing with my grandson.

    So I guess this was an update of sorts. Things are OK. Life is stressful but I am handling it better than I use to.... when PMO-ing life was hell. Life is not always easy now but it is OK. It's not hell. Since quitting PMO-ing, which did happening quite cold turkey, but I really quit the daily unabated habit about six years ago, at the time I joined the forum, Feb. 27,2013. Went P-free for long stretches, 9 months, 6 months, 3 months, etc. rather than daily or weekly. Since the day I joined this forum I've learned and now practice regular meditation, regular yoga, eat well, sleep regularly, in general things are better. I'm got out of the dark pit of self-imposed hell.

    All's I can say is thank you. I have such gratitude that I'm out of that dark and horrible place.

    I can actually say now that I love myself. I truly do. Wow, that major. I have hated myself all my life and have only been able to consistently have love for myself within the past 6 months. It's the spiritual growth and the p-free time.

    I wish the best for all on this forum. Peace.
     
    Boxer17, A New Man and Saville like this.
  20. Bobo

    Bobo Well-Known Member

    Wish the best for you my friend
     

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