a short guy's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by a short guy, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Last PMO'd 1/15/18
    40New30 likes this.
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Pull up, I know you will. Lots of self love.
  3. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Yes, I did pull up. Thank you. And yes, with lots of self love.

    I'd been PMO-free for 6 months, then over a 3 week period while my wife was away, I started masturbating to yoga videos while on a trip visiting family. All went well on the trip and with family, but an underlying stress/tension was there and I felt the urge to escape into masturbating to non or pre-porn, which is PMO for me non-the-less. Then the night before my wife came home I snapped, I was feeling good, did not have an overwhelming urge to PMO, but just did, stayed up till 3 am, PMO'd to porn videos. Did not immediately binge, but did it again a week later, on 1/15. Again did not immediately bing. I've been totally free since. I have had only mild urges to do it again. I'm not going there, but the voice is still in my head and I'm choosing to ignore it.

    Generally all is well in my life with my wife and work and all. I've got difficult family stressors. Family just does not behave the way I think they should : ).
    And I am learning to accept that. I'm in therapy for helping deal with family stuff, a grandson child custody thing is the biggest stressor, emotional abuse, difficult situation. It's very sad.

    So, PMO-free since 1/16/18
    Squire and 40New30 like this.
  4. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Sweet man, much positive vibes, brother.
  5. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I've PMO'd 3 times since January 16th. Using it to medicate myself during ongoing stressful family time. Masturbated to photos of nudity, not sex acts. Haven't looked at sex acts in years. Not binging. Haven't binged in years. Not binging and infrequent PMO-ing has probably reduced my escalating to harder porn. Used Tor browser to cover my tracks. Got rid of it. Now back to square one.

    My wife and I are doing well, our relationship is good, loving and intimate, but sex is infrequent. The stress isn't helping In the past few years my wife and I lost our parents. Daughter and grandson in child custody battle. Moving out of state in 2 days to where ongoing very stressful family situation is, so very stressful time, in the middle of packing. Physically exhausted. Will be applying for new job.

    I've gotten away from yoga and meditation which isn't helping.

    Things are good, life is good, otherwise and actually. Generally feeling positive and happy. This is just a stressful time, moving, change of job, family issues beyond my control.

    PMO-free since 4/6/18.
    Last edited: Apr 6, 2018
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member


    Stress comes and goes. It's our journey, we are ultimately in control of ourselves.

    Hope things resolve positively for your daughter and grandson.
    Boxer17 likes this.
  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I'd say there are a lot of wins in there!
  8. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    What you're describing are MAJOR stressors. Any one of those could easily be overwhelming. But it will settle down. Life has a way of working itself out, doesn't it? At least that has been my experience. Your situation gets shaken up like snow globe, but the pieces settle down and there's peace again.

    It sounds like yoga is something you enjoy but it was a gateway in the past to MO. Do you have other tools in your toolbelt for stress as well, at times when you feel like yoga may not be best for you?
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the input Squire, Savile, 40New30.

    Yoga for stress relief... which yes, during meditations I do get relaxed but it is inward, I go inward in an isolating way and sometimes somehow that does lead me towards MO. Doing yoga with my wife has been only positive. I have been bicycling to work which is wonderful. And I've been getting the unicycle which I haven't been doing much for many years. Anything fun and physical is always good, like going swimming, going to the beach.

    Yes, there has been high stress. Moved South 1400 miles from cold weather to the tropics a month ago. The trip was a challenge, things didn't go as planned. Still not quite settled in, we'll have to move in the next few months to another home, this one's temporary, so much is still unpacked and in the garage. I did get a new job a couple weeks ago which is going well. I am working part time while I get my own business up and running. Family situation is stressful but nothing new. Daughter and grandson are well, generally doing fine but it's not easy watching dysfunctional parenting and relationship stuff. I know it's all just life and really OK... and non of my business. There are really good times and nothing really terrible is happening.

    I miss my Jungian psychotherapist whom I was seeing for 2 1/2 years. I want to find another but questioning the cost. Still, things are good in that I am functional and I am doing things to destress.

    I've been hitting my head again. It snuck up on me. I had been finished with that nonsense, but sometimes instead of expressing myself, even in a dysfunctional way, I hold in my feelings and it spontaneously surfaces when I'm alone and I hit myself, curse and berate myself. A useless old behavior. That's why I want to see a counselor again.

    My wife and I had sex recently which was really positive. I'm not using porn. I did masturbate once in the past month, a week ago, to the fantasy of the woman who's been dead 6 years whom I had a crush on, and continue to obsess about, whom I've mentioned already. It didn't sit well. I went into a depressive state which I'm still struggling to get out of.

    My wife just announced lunch is ready....
    40New30, Squire and dig deep like this.
  10. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Congrats on the big move! Awesome.
  11. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member


    I have been PMO-sober for a week now and I choose to begin posting on other threads. It's a reward.

    I have always regarded you as one whom I deeply respect. Thank you for your inspiration.

    Love ya, man.
    Squire and Saville like this.
  12. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Dude, this is awesome! :)

    Wow, that IS a big move.

    Not to be a smart ass, but they never do, cause that's life, right? :)

    Don't hit head. You don't need another psychologist to tell you that. You already know why, we always do.

    Woo Hoo! :cool:

    This is just noise, just the old TV flashing. It's going to happen, it happens to everyone. Think about the positives and let the noise die down.
    Squire likes this.
  13. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thank you Guy. I'm so grateful to all who inspire me on this forum. You are a man of great character, I admire you for continuing to choose sobriety. I wish you peace of mind and strength of spirit.
    Squire likes this.
  14. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Saville, right-on advice...
    Even getting more comfortable on the unicycle.
    Not hitting head.
    Some things that are helping...

    Long ago, 1988, I read the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. from the book, I've been saying to myself daily whenever I remember, "I love and approve of myself", like it's a mantra.

    I'm also regularly, throughout the day, doing the Heart Math "freeze frame" thing, breathing through my heart area, remember/visualizing a specific moment in my life when I was completely at peace and happy.

    I'm getting out and riding the unicycle everyday even when I don't feel like it.

    Riding my bike to work.

    I did improve the TMJ/Jaw issue by the way and because of that sleeping better, not near the kind of pain I was having. I went on-line and learned to massage the muscles of my jaw from inside my mouth, I also had a colleague do some inter-oral massage and found out I was doing it right. It helps and I can relieve a muscle spasm or locked jaw quickly whenever I need to (which now infrequently happens instead of daily). I sleep with a bite guard (it's the cheap kind from the drugstore that goes over the upper teeth, I cut it in half so the maxillary suture can move a little, before I cut it my upper teeth were hurting from the guard) and tape my mouth closed (gently with paper medical tape) to prevent mouth breathing. Not only is the jaw feeling better but I'm sleeping better. Also have the head of the bed raised 6 1/2", not sure if that's helping, but it does help my wife sleep. Something I heard about and am trying, experimenting.

    Last PMO'd 4/6/18; Last MO'd to a fantasy 5/10/18
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  15. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    You are awesome, that is so cool.

    But I gotta say, riding a unicycle seems MUCH harder than giving up PMO, fixing my marriage, straightening out my spiritual life, reinventing my career all put together. :D Maybe that will be my new plan. If I don't get my shit together within the next month, I have to learn to ride a unicycle. :eek: LOL!

    You know what I want are those high-jumping stilts that you can do flips with. But I would absolutely break my neck just trying to stand up in them.
  16. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Squire, the unicycle is easy, not immediately, but just like anything a little practice everyday and the brain REWIRES and you begin to REBALANCE. Sound familiar? One day at a time, practicing daily and the brain, the nervous system coordinating with the body just happens.


    I've MO'd twice in past 9 days, waking up in middle of night, my wife asleep, in the dark, a mechanical thing. If I wake my wife she wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, she has a history of insomnia that is not an issue unless she breaks her routine. So, my aim is to get more romantic early in the evening, woo her a bit, suggest being sexual, takes more planning, spontaneity doesn't tend to happen, too busy, too late, too tired.

    Still I'm here journaling to keep focused on being P-free. I'm at a familiar state the past week where I could just PMO knowing full well it's not worth it. I looked at bikini websites a couple days ago. Didn't go further and haven't been tempting myself at all. Pretty much don't look at anything tempting, except the bikini sights a couple days ago... this zero tolerance has always worked for me so I aim to continue. I don't have a TV. Watch only occasional movies. Don't view pre-porn stuff. This has been making it easier. When I peak at pre-porn a bit it has always led to a complete relapse.
    40New30 and Squire like this.
  17. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Peaking at pre-porn is definitely the beginning. You caught it, so shut 'er down. :)
    Squire and Libertad like this.
  18. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Stressful time. Just family dynamics. Just life. Generally all is well in spite of it and in spite of it.

    Generally I just need to practice loving myself instead of hating myself. Hating myself is such a habit. It leads nowhere good. When I hate myself, I hate others... judge them, put them down (at least in my thoughts). It just doesn't help.

    I have difficulty appreciating the present moment. I live in my head in the past. I miss the past, even though the past wasn't any better, usually was worse.

    Struggling with just being here and now.

    Thankfully I know how to be mindful, I meditation, focus on my breath, keep coming back to now.

    No Porn. Good thing.
    A New Man and Squire like this.
  19. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    If you love self bingo someone else will love you. Great streak meditation how wonderful.,
    Squire likes this.
  20. Squire

    Squire Well-Known Member

    Maybe a good starting point would be to treat yourself with the same courtesy, respect, and benefit-of-the-doubt that you do for others. Treat yourself like a respected stranger who is probably a nice, decent guy. Be nice to yourself.

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