a short guy's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by a short guy, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I've thought, and my wife has mentioned that if my computer has no history, how do I explain that. In 2003 when my computer crashed I lost everything, it wasn't backed up. Today it's backed up multiple times. So that would look very strange.

    Perhaps it is mostly paranoia. It's best to not smash the computer with a sledge hammer then burn it in the fire pit tonight. I will sleep on it. And I will not allow myself to dwell and panic and have nightmares.

    My wife is angry and understandably so. She does not get this addiction all at. She is innocent about all this porn stuff.

    Still I'm happy with my progress, I was at one time living in hell, just sad that it has taken me so long and that it continues.....
     
  2. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    I think the best way to explain a porn addiction to someone is to explain that it's not about sex...it starts off as being a harmless sexual outlet, but when it hooks into the brain it becomes exactly like a drug.

    It helps to see porn as like a drug. Hope all is going well, ATG/ASG.
     
    Newman8888 likes this.
  3. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    This is really interesting to me. I recently reset my counter after approximately a 4-month clean streak. I didn't watch any nudity, didn't go to any porn website, but I indulged in YouTube videos that fired up my neural pathways. I'm addicted to feeling the surge of arousal, the pleasant sensation that it engenders. I struggled for a month to decide what to do, reset or not. On the face of it, I know this is ridiculous. Looking back now, I did myself a disservice by resetting the counter. It made me feel like a failure on some level, which didn't match how I felt inside (great strides forward). It felt disingenuous not to reset it (and acknowledging the use of P subs), yet it also felt like nullifying my progress if I reset the counter.

    I'm back at Day 4 today, which I kind of resent. I think a counter is extremely helpful and a good gauge of progress, yet it's binary nature is not helpful. Sorry for bitchin' about this.
     
  4. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    Hi, am I the only one who cant see the Counters? I already tried a different browser but it is the same.
     
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2017
  5. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    One thing that nice guys and addicts share is paranoia of discovery. We live, or have lived, a part of our life in the shadows and to think a light will be shined on us in these dark regions is terrifying. What to do? For one, I wouldn't dump your issues on your wife, even though you already have. We have to suck these things up ourselves, because it is the only thing that really helps us out of the mire. Some people think that coming clean to our SO is honesty, but what it really is, imo, is us asking them to shoulder a part of the load that we should be shouldering alone. I may just be talking about myself here, but I know that I hated taking responsibility for anything. Shit happens, we deal with our shit.

    As I see it this is a great opportunity to get rid of the P in your life, once and for all. Time to be fierce!
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  6. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Well there's really nothing too explain unless she really wants to get into a discussion about it, and she doesn't. She won't understand unless she studied and delved into it, and she doesn't really want to. And that is fine with her and fine with me. We have had discussions in the past, years ago and it never has helped her. It helped me then, but not her. I don't need the help now. I know now. I know what porn is about. It's my drug. I'm beyond porn. I'm an addict, it is a drug, but I'm done. Yes I do know I could relapse, any addict could relapse. But I'm thinking "no more". Nevermore. My wife and I are doing okay.

    She hasn't held onto anger and I haven't held onto my fears.

    I haven't looked at anything even remotely pornographic since about the middle of August. I'm pretty much giving myself zero tolerance.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2017
  7. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I get the resentment feeling. But don't let that trigger negative thinking. That negative thinking could lead in a bizarre and round about way back to porn. At least it has for me before. You know how well you're doing, 4-month clean streak, that's awesome! You have the counter but you could also put in your signature other important dates and accomplishments. BTW I feel disingenuous not resetting having used P subs, but still not resetting, not sure if right or wrong but just not dwelling on it.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  8. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Wow, I can't see them either. I just haven't been here much and I haven't been using a counter and only have come to my own journal. Not sure why?
     
  9. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Well, that is how I see it, I do declare I have gotten rid of porn in my life once and for all!!!! This could just be a reaction to the fear, the horror on what could be in the future. But that is my declaration, zero porn, zero tolerance. I have not gone anywhere near anything even slightly in the porn direction for in a month and a half or so.
     
    Saville likes this.
  10. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    There definitely is an intensity difference between P subs (Youtube) and hardcore P, but to each their own regarding a full reset. I looked at some P subs and later edged a bit (not to O or to the P subs) a few weeks ago, and I didn't reset. However, I have NOT M'd or MO'd to P for 450+ something days.

    Viewing any P is my line in the sand, zero f'ing tolerance! Never going back there, though I absolutely do not think P subs or edging are good either.
     
  11. Endeavour

    Endeavour Member

    Hi,
    You were on here when I was active under another name about 5 years ago. I had a long history of using escorts , massage parlors and the like and kind of weaned myself of those and chose PMO as a substitute poison. Eventually kicked both and am still PMO free but through complacency and the usual excuses went back into escorts etc. Back here to see if I can get support to step off that again and stay completely clean. Whilst I find the compulsions underlying both to be exactly the same I wonder from time to time whether this Forum is the right place for me or whether that in itself is just another excuse not to deal with the problem . I have a voice in my head that tells me that guys here are struggling with a problem I know only too well and a more challenging one due to the ease of access. I respect your opinion. What do you think ?
     
    mailboxsam likes this.
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I've been staying away from everything and anything even remotely off limits. Life has been good. Relationship with my wife and family is good. Being productive and actually having some fun. Much stress at times but handling it well. I know I have to stay on top of this, this commitment to zero tolerance It's helping.

    40new30, the line in the sand image is good, and on the other side of the line is a abyss.

    Endeavor, here are some thoughts...

    I've only had PMO issues, with print and pixels, never with live people. This forum IS the reason I've had any success being P-free. Before the forum, life was hell, I was anxious, depressed, a mess. I've been on here 4 1/2 years. I was very involved for the first 3 1/2 years, now I'm rarely here, maybe once a month. My life is... actually great, better than it's ever been.

    Regarding interactions with real live people, escorts, massage parlors..., I'm thinking real live counseling.

    I've seen therapists regarding porn addiction and they didn't help as much as this forum has. Now if the therapist were a porn addict himself, that would have helped more.

    Something I've come to realize is that using porn is pretty much the same as using real people. Now it feels more like a real life affair to use porn. I feel like I'm cheating on my wife.

    Have you read Breaking the Cycle?
    https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Cycle-Yourself-Addiction-Obsession/dp/1608820831
     
    40New30, Saville and Libertad like this.
  13. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    That's awesome, ASG/ATG!
     
  14. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Wow, just read my note that I last PMO'd in June six months ago! Suprised me, time has flown! And tonight, all I want to do is PMO. Everything in my life has been going well. My relationship with my wife is good. We're sexual once in a while. Work is good. Moving in a few months and that's exciting. Will be visiting family out of state for the holidays. Just that my wife is away aat the moment nd I'm alone and feel that urge to look at porn, to look at pre-porn knowing full well what that would lead to. The same old thing. Literally I'm here instead, but the urge is strong and the memory of the horrible results of using porn have faded cause it's been so long.
    So, I know it's a bad idea. I know what I should do. And I know why. There's no justification or real need to mess things up. Honestly, I really don't like porn, it's sick. I'm addicted to it but know it's poison.
    Since my wife has been away the past few days I've stayed up late finishing projects while watching movies. Fun to stay up, be on my own time, sleep in late, feel like a kid again.... being more spontaneous and feeling less responsible. But this situation has always in the past lead me to PMO.... alone, up late, spontaneity.
     
  15. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Okay, just decided, turned my attitude around, I'm not going there. I'm choosing to continue a porn free 2017, and will be having a porn free 2018 and intend to have a porn free life. And I wish a porn free 2018 to all!
     
    Boxer17 and 40New30 like this.
  16. A New Man

    A New Man White Knuckle Brigade 2013

    The promise of a quick thrill, but really self-sabotage on a massive scale. Congrats on reaching six months ASG! Cherish it, and keep building.

    Staying clean is the greatest gift you can give yourself and those you love. Have a great 2018 brother!
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  17. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    The urges and old patterns will always be there no matter how long we're clean. Congratulations on 6 months!
     

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