a short guy's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by a short guy, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    Short Guy,

    Many thanks for all the great information. I too suffer from the forward head movement, years of looking at laptops and computers along with watching TV in bed I believe have contributed to this. I will definitely try autogenics, thanks for the link. You give me hope that I can slowly improve my neck and trap muscles and eventually return back to 100%.

    Also congratulations on meeting your goal! You're doing great!


  2. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Staying away from porn. Much to distract me. Taught a yoga class Sunday. Back to regular work hours. My wife's been back home 4 days, great to be together. Life is different without Guru here. More peaceful. So much less tension. I'm glad we could make Guru's last few years better, my wife is really satisfied with how it all worked out, but there's such an emotional weight lifted! Whew! She was cremated, a funeral will be in a couple months to give family time to plan on being there. My wife and I are beginning again in many ways, we're lovey, touchy, more sweet and it's nice. We are talking and planning about us, our future. I removed the hospital bed and got the living room back together as it use to be on Monday.

    Now, my wife is meeting with her priest. She has reconnected with her catholic roots in the past few months which is comforting and positive for her. I'm alone in this empty but comfortably different apartment. Some fleeting thoughts of porn but not paying much attention. Things are good and feel like there getting better.

    Sigh... relief....on to the next adventure.
    bobbertsan likes this.
  3. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    That's awesome news! Keep going, man.
  4. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    The air of new beginnings... while going back to our roots. I like that.
  5. Rex

    Rex PMO free is the only way it's going to be for me.

    Short Guy,

    Great news, glad to hear that things are going well for you. Keep fighting the good fight, your future is indeed bright.


  6. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    It's been nearly four weeks since Guru, my wife's mom died.

    I'm generally more tired, less energy. Cortisol levels (or whatever) are lower I suppose, my therapist mentioned. My body was accustomed to the higher constant level of tension and stress of Guru's presence in our lives. The emotional release is great but kind of like deflating a balloon. Sleeping more, sometimes 11 hours.

    This being just the two of us, my wife and I is new. It's been over three years that we've been alone together. Learning to appreciate that. It's quiet at home. Getting a new refrigerator because the old one is so noisy, now it's really noticeable.

    We're both grieving, me for my parents, and my wife for her's. All the parents gone. Empty nest sort of.

    My wife is back involved with the church, which is great for her, helping her get through this difficult time, reconnecting with her roots. For me it's a bit scary. My history with religion was traumatic. That trauma is emotionally coming up. So, just breathing, meditating, telling myself this is now, the past is not now. All is well. I'm remaining open and cautious.

    My wife and I are intimate, close, touchy. Good stuff. No sex in a long time. I have masturbated in bed, in the middle of the night while my wife has been sleeping beside me a couple times. I want to wake her up but know she would have trouble getting back to sleep. And I've been fantasizing about that same dead woman, either my wife, that same dead woman or nothing at all, just feeling the energy.

    And regarding porn, has not been a problem, hardly on my mind since my wife has been back. Just such a change in routine has helped. I'm staying away from anything remotely tintillating.
  7. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    The death of Guru is a significant turning point for you and your wife. I've lost both parents and I still think of them and miss them, from time to time. We lose something that tethered us to the past, but we gain freedom from certain bonds, as well.

    My wife is religious and I am not. I went to church, brought my kids up in the church, but then it stopped being relevant. Yup, the past is the past. Dredging it up is a way to keep us stuck. Healing is always forward. Imo, the past can fuck off! Which, brings me to you thinking still about the dead woman. She's a fantasy. (you know this) I sometimes think of my first love and let myself have a moment of sentimentality, but it's all bullshit. She's grown older like me and we aren't remotely the people we once were. The fantasy is of a moment in time, a blink of my eye. It's easy to romanticize these things. Remembering something fondly, because it was an incredible moment, is much different than holding onto something unreal. Time to drop the fantasy, ShortGuy.

    Next time you're lying next to your wife and you want to reach out, but she's sleeping...do it anyway. She may be craving just that thing which you are denying yourself. Pulling the pud next to a real person is such an empty gesture. I know, I've done it. There's lots of great stuff happening for you. Move forward like a giant. The call to action for ourselves is always now!
  8. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your thoughts Saville, am listening and contemplating.

    My wife is so exhausted from lack of sleep, grieving, family tensions over how to handle funeral stuff, other family/children/relationships stuff... she nearly fainted.... 911.... ambulance.... all is OK but is thoroughly exhausted and taking a nap now.

    Regarding caring for her mother Guru, no siblings or other family members helped. Even after Guru's death my wife is alone in dealing with funeral stuff. Other family members are so caught up in their own world they can't see beyond it to be of any support, they only make things more difficult.

    Much touchy intimacy this morning with my wife, that's feeling good and healthy.

    No porn.
  9. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    ATG, you will always be tall in my eyes. Sorry for the family drama in your life; it will pass. My wife & I were my mother-in-law's primary caretaker for her last couple of years so when she passed, it was like my wife lost a child in addition to losing her mother. In contrast, my wife left our church but I still go and am very involved.

    Keep fighting the good fight. So good to be back and catching up with old friends.
  10. Gone fishing

    Gone fishing Active Member

    ATG my wife and I have our own Guru, a parent with severe dementia in our home. Often I think of the freedom and peace we will have when she passes. Like your wife I have returned to the Catholic Church after many years of absence and I am seeing it with fresh eyes and fresh insight. In the interim I have explored many spiritual paths. Now I feel at home. It reminds me of the T.S Elliot quote:

    We shall not cease from exploration, and at the end of our exploring
    will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.​
  11. fcjl8

    fcjl8 The only path for me

    Great to read that you are strong and healthy old friend. Sorry, for your loss and all that comes with that. You are A Tall Guy in my eyes and always will be. God Bless brother!
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your kind words WRAT, Nofapado and fcjl8. Very much appreciated this morning.

    Things have been better, improving over the past couple weeks. My wife had lost, been questioning, her sense of life purpose with not having her mother to care for, but she is realizing that and thinking of what to do next in her life, she's gaining some optimism.

    I'm gaining some deeper understanding of how childhood stuff is affecting my current life and my relationship with my wife. Still getting Jungian therapy, exploring dreams, EMDR, being with childhood feelings. I'm evolving, growing, not getting as caught o=up in the emotions and more able to feel them and observed them and myself more. Today will be seeing my therapist and will be doing EMDR regarding feeling invalidated, not worthwhile, invisible, nonexistent as a child. Porn was just one of the many survival tools I used to make it through. Today I'll be sitting/staying with those uncomfortable feelings with the hope of continuing to integrate them more in a healthy way.

    As for real news, no porn and little interest in it lately. I guess I'm being with my emotions more, allowing them and not trying to avoid them with porn. Hopeing to keep that going.
  13. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I was working on my website this weekend and finally realized that my monitor (of the past 5 years, already old when I got it for $12 at Goodwill) just wasn't really useable anymore. So, went to BestBuy with no porn on my mind (I've not had porn on my mind for a couple weeks, a nice mental reprieve!) and bought a new monitor. Set it up and WOW! AMAZING! clarity. Enjoying working on my website now!

    And... spontaneously... I just had to see... no, I did not look at porn. A very short bikini session that I could have easily fallen into the abyss with had I been alone and hungry and tired... Now I must not go there, and I'm keeping myself in check.

    Reminds me of the day I got my first real (not the Commodore 64 with no internet) computer, 2001, I had held off for many years because I knew it would come with easy access to porn. A friend "talked me into it" (I knowingly allowed myself to be) for "business", logical reasons. The very day I got it home, I did the porn thing and was hooked, just like I knew I would be.

    I've always worked on a laptop and have never had a full size monitor. I've been afraid of those bigger than life images. So, also haven't had a TV, let alone a big screen one, in 20 years.

    I can handle it, I am handling it. Heck, I'm over half way to my 90 day goal!

  14. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Nice! A new monitor sounds well deserved. And you didn't fall back into the same pattern, either. Now that's what I call progress. Well done, ATG!
    90 days is an important goal, or so I've heard. You've been there before, so you know the benefits that come with that much time away from the muck.
    Keep going!
    Billy B. likes this.
  15. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    That monitor is sweet!
  16. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Yeah, nice monitor. No Porn. Hanging in there. Here to say all is well because sometimes I just want to give in but come here to remind myself that nothing is ever improved by porn. I got upset (but didn't mention this) that my wife made such a mess in the kitchen while cooking an amazingly delicious meal for us. Instead of appreciating her meal I internally grumbled as I cleaned the kitchen, all the while thinking how relieving pmo-ing would be. Silly porn. You never improve a thing. So, no porn.
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good job side stepping that trigger, SG. Resentment can be powerful, as can acknowleding it and letting it go.

    Keep on, Brother.
  18. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I like your choice of words Billy B., "side stepping". That's about how things are going, I'm managing to continue stepping here, along the path, without stepping there, in the porn pile.

    Triggers come and go. If I don't give in, the urge passes, if I do give in, the urges increase. In the long run it's much easier to let them pass.
    Billy B. and resilientwolf like this.
  19. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Question: Anybody dealt with face and jaw pain?

    For 4 years I've had a TMJ (temporal mandibular joint) issue, with accompanying facial and jaw muscle tension and pain. The TMJ issue is better, and the facial and jaw muscles, although much improved, continue to get tense and sore - muscles of the forehead, between the eyebrows, around the eyes, temples, cheeks.

    I know emotions are tied in, when I get angry, anxious, upset, negative, pessimistic, it gets worse. And lack of sleep, it's worse. Anxious dreams, worse, And when I PMO'd, worse. It is worst in the morning, upon waking. It builds throughout the night. If I wake up to pee in the middle of the night and stretch and massage the muscles at that time, it's better in the morning. The unconscious mind is involved.

    So, things I do that help.
    Massage therapy
    Self-massage and trigger point therapy
    Stretch my jaw muscles, yawn while massaging
    Eliminated wheat/gluten a year and a half ago, this stopped the inflammation immediately and haven't needed ice since
    EFT (emotional freedom technique) combined with Dr. John Sarno's ideas on the role of the unconscious, I talk to my unconscious and get things to relax, the pain goes away for a day or so.
    I'm seeing a Jungian psychotherapist, analyzing dreams, the severity seems related to the kinds of dreams I'm having.

    It all helps, things are better, but it still continues, some days better than others.

    I've not done the obvious, get a bite guard from my dentist for nighttime. So, guess I will do that.
  20. resilientwolf

    resilientwolf Member

    I randomly saw your forum from the main page man and I just wanted to drop by and encourage you, we're all in this battle. I think you have a really great thing going with this and you're about to be 2/3 of the way to your current goal!!! I've also been working on my posture and forward head movement. I like the term side stepping and how you phrased all that, "triggers come and go. If I don't give in, the urge passes, if I do give in the urges increase. In the long run it's much easier to let them pass." Spoken like a true and honest battling these triggers and urges. I'm right there with you man, you got this.

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