A positive restart

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by jankal, May 3, 2013.

  1. steffy78

    steffy78 New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hi mate, it seems to me that you're drawing the positives to get back on the horse and that's great. However what are your triggers? How do you feel when you've relapsed? Have you got any projects? I mean real things that you can look forward to.
     
  2. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    well last year was a massive fail. got right back into old habits, and it became a weekly thing, often more often, but at least not daily like the old days I suppose

    been more resolved over the last few months, with my usual triggers letting me down.

    was 100% resolved early December, then got mash up after Christmas and had a massive binge. Have avoided booze n drugs since then, and obviously abstaining from the P has been easier because of it..

    I'm now using the New Year's sense of resolution as point to hop back on the horse.. deleted the stash of P that I've (newly) accumulated over the last year. (i guess I had thought that if I am gonna PMO, it's better if I have some of me faves at hand so I'm at least not doing that terrible searching for hours thing, and no hardcore stuff. No. it being there is even more temptation. Deleted.

    Resolute.

    Am however going out for drinks this Friday, so Saturday will be tricky. I've soldiered through before though, so with the right mindset, I can get through it. Plan to post on here / get out of the fricking house if I am tempted.

    cool.

    All the best amigos

    kalx
     
  3. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    well .. first day back home from Crimbo with the family .. back in my own space and the temptation to peek is strong .. but I ain't budging x
     
  4. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    going well. no P no peeking, an occasion of F, but I stopped it in its tracks. I'm saying no to socials and drinking for as long as possible. having had my fill over Christmas helps.

    but what happens when I succumb and have a drink? I'm tagged as the 'life and soul of the party' and it's all or nothing with me. I've been useless at abstaining from P with a hangover.. all resolve disappears..

    funny reading back through my journal how cyclical all this stuff has been. i hope this time is different

    kalx
     
  5. amgjake

    amgjake New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    I'm coming to the same realization about alcohol. Once I gain momentum with reboots, my will power is strong in day-to-day activities. But, it seems like every reboot has ended with the chaser effect of alcohol. Even after spending months away from porn, I'll end up getting very drunk and take a peek at porn or do something similar. The following day, I'll be hungover, horny, and lack will power; I'll also feel shame and guilt for relapsing the night before. So, I give up and spend the day watching porn.

    I think I'll have to give up alcohol to see long-term success with the porn/sex addiction. They go hand-in-hand. I'm also rarely a moderate drinker due to my social circle and lack of restraint, so it's a risk every time.
     
  6. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hey AmgJake

    thanks for the post. exactly the precisely same situation here as you have described... on all fronts.. the booze is a demon, and the hangover is SO convincing to fuck it give it all up and relapse, even after ages of being a good boy. Still it can be mastered. there have been times when I've been hangover and managed to abstain, but as jjveetec mentioned earlier in this thread, we've associated the hangover with the binge but they are not in of themselves directly linked. is it possible to disassociate the two? I hope so. My plan is to set stuff to do the day after boozing, keep busy, even if it's just having a load of films to watch. just get through to the next day.

    totally going without booze is going to be tricky too.. at the moment I'm busy enough with work, and had my fill of fun over the festive period, to just keep a wide berth from socialising.. but I know the next time I do go out, it will be hard to say no. I'm one of those life and soul boys, and it's part and parcel of meeting up with friends. guess it's similar to you..

    anyway, resolve, resolve, resolve

    all the best

    kalx
     
  7. chupac

    chupac New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Hello there mate
    Just read through your journal - feel like we have an aweful common in our history
    I have only had sexual 6 partners (not including hookers - cocaine is a hell of a drug) in my life and im 31, 3 of them have been long term girlfriends - I used to feel really bad about this but then I learned that the average guy only has like 9 sexual parteners in their life and i suddenly felt a whole lot better: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/sexual-health-and-advice/8958520/Average-man-has-9-sexual-partners-in-lifetime-women-have-4.html - I thought this might cheer you up.

    I know what you mean about girls telling your their sexual history and then feeling bad about it - i think every guy alive feel like he wants to be their one and only and not feeling like you have been with enough girls can really play on the mind when your feeling horny, the way i decided to look at it was, if i dont feel guilty about having been with 5 girls then why should she feel guilty about getting with 20 guys, its just a few number really, I mean when you think about it you probably have had alot more sex with one girl of 8 years, than I girl would have had with 20 guys over 8 years, unless she is a complete nympho (which you would want to avoid anyway) she will have had periods of abstinence between those 20 guys, whereas with a gf you are usually having sex at least 4-5 times a week - but imagine only 50 years ago the average guy would have 1 maybe 2 sexual partners on their entire life - you met a girl when you were 19-20, you banged her, she got pregant, you married her - end of story. Now we live in a day and age where we are made to feel like if we havent been with 20+ women then we are a complete failure. Why because it a sexual fantasy sold to us by the mainstream media in exactly the same way porn is sold to us by the websites - I was watching "entourage" the other day - facinating because it plays into the complete male fantasy of average guys who become rich and famous and being aresuddenly able to bang hot chick when ever they feel like it. You know its a fantasy so you keep watching chuckling to yourself about what a load of bullshit it is, but then you watch the commecials and its changed into full blown subliminal mindfucking along exactly the same lines - just check out a lynx advert - I know about the techniques used because I used to do a lot of work in advertising, before i realised what an evil fucking profession it is.

    So about the whole hangover thing - im only on day 2 so im pretty scared shitless about this - im not hunover on a regular basis so im wondering maybe just have a stash of diazepan handy so when i wake up hanging i can just neck one of those and go back to sleep - its a muscle relaxant as well as a tranquiliser so it should definately help as long as one only has one once in a while...
    Am also thinking not looking at porn is not so hard it not jacking off thats really difficult so maybe the best thing is just to start dating again now so that when i get the urges further down the line I can just go and have sex instead. I also had a long period of abstinence between 25-28 - I know right - terrible time to not be getting laid - anyway I know how difficult it can be getting back in the saddle, you end up mentally building up sex into this MASSIVE deal, which then gets in the way of starting thing back up with girls again. Toward the end of the last period of abstince I thought I would treat myself to a birthday present and go see a hooker - naturally turns she was nothing like the picture and was a complete WHALE, I thought fuck it why not, first time for everything right? anyway it was terrible and she faked the worst orgasm i have ever seen in all my years of watching porn, but instead of feeling horrible, ashamed and depressed for the rest of my birthday I eneded up laughing my way through the rest of the day at the hillariousness of the situation. Seeing the funnyside like that reminded me of what a clunky, awkward and downright hillarious business real sex can be sometimes - that in turn reminded me that sex is no big deal & a few weeks later I went out a got a new girlfriend. Now im not suggesting you go see a fat hooker, just that if you havent been in the sack in a while try and find a way to remind yourself that sex is no big deal and it will make it easy to go out and find a girl to have a shag with rather than giving into your urges to PMO.

    Something I have been thinking about a lot is say i shag another 20 women over the next 3 years, is that really as good as having spent 3 years in a loving relationship and sharing all those wonderful romantic moments together that you just dont get if you fuck around. Do I really feel that in order to be a "man" I have to sleep with loads of women now before I get old and unnatractive or have I just been brainwashed by the media into thing that what real "men" do... ?

    Sorry for the long post Im using these boards as a way to distract myself from porn.
     
  8. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Heya Chupac

    thanks for the post, man.. yeah I hear ya, and things are a lot more in perspective these days..

    I'm still holding out for something serious though, can't make my brain want casual stuff. it's odd.

    but all is good. looking to positives

    all the best

    Kalx
     
  9. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    another week off the booze. feel good. realise that it's when hungover as hell that I don't try and stem the fantasising.. which then leads to the ah fuck it P P P..

    the odd moment of fantasising over the last week, but stopping immediately on realisation.. keeping it in check

    kalx
     
  10. chupac

    chupac New Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    Keep up the good work bro - hangovers need to fuck right off, they are the worst. The 2nd worst are these bastards who make mainstream erotic films, seem like whenever i am browsing for a movie to watch, some kind of smutty mainstream pops up with some hot actress in and then its stuck in my head - maybe we should move to saudi arabia or somewhere where they dont allow booze and smut...big incentive if they gonna give you 500 lashes for it.

    I terms of hitting the tiles, I find just having a couple of drinks early on and then switching to redbull or pepsi works really well, you still get the chatty buzz from the cafeine and are loosened up by a small ammount of alchol but remain firmly in control, not only does it negate the hangovers but vastly improves your ability to chat up girls, as you will be sharper, more witty and most importanly seem alot more together than all of the wasted blokes that they are surrounded by - girls like that, even though they are usually wasted themselves...
     
  11. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    thanks chupac hope you're doing good too. thanks for checking in..

    yeah man I hear ya, sexy is everywhere. and it probably always will be. guess we just need to work on our reaction to it. which i guess what all is this is about - once we get passed this, a time will come where what were once triggers will be as irrelevant to us as porn.

    and yeah moderation with booze is something else I need to work on - binge drinking is an inherent part of my culture, and it's the only way I know how to consume stuff. i can happily go weeks without a drink, but when I do.. but even this has improved in recent years. I've been more likely to call it a night after a bottle of wine (instead of cracking open another and/or having a scotch or two) or going out for a pint with my Dad and leaving it at that . (I used to hate only having one drink). I guess this mastery of dopamine levels can influence a few areas..

    anyway, all good, all the best

    kalx
     
  12. jankal

    jankal Member

    Re: here we go again. still troubled, with a fetish to boot, but feeling positive..

    broke my booze fast. moved into a new place so how could i not christen it with a glass of wine or bottle?

    impure thoughts crept in more as predicted but did my best to avert, and didn't succumb to any peeking. did however spend a lot of time on tinder. felt more like I was looking for The One than perving, but am i merely feeding my desire to 'see women'?

    dunno.

    anyway, all is good

    kalx
     
  13. jankal

    jankal Member

    It's going well. Being off the booze and busy makes it immeasurably easier. I changed the topic header to this thread as the previous one was riddled with negativity. Just need to be strong on the next hangover which surely approacheth..

    all the best

    kalx
     
  14. MarstonS

    MarstonS Walking the longest walk...

    Hey man. Read your journal. I too started my journal 2013 and then was away for some time, then came back in the beguinning of this year. Trying to stay of booze AND porn myself. So far so good this year but it´s an ongoing battle. Stay strong!
     
  15. jankal

    jankal Member

    Hi Marston

    thanks for the shout, hope you're doing good man..

    had another bottle of wine the other night.. a reasonable amount for me.. was fine, kept busy.. i guess it's when i go to excess and then party drugs come into the mix that the hangover/temptation is even worse..

    still, abstinence thus far is good. no peeking no fantasies.. i'm still smoking weed but alcohol sobriety makes so much difference. the odd urge come and goes but no intention to watch p or m

    ...

    5 years on i'm still harbouring regrets about the ex though, had a pretty low day thinking about it recently. she was quite a woman. sometimes feels like it was yesterday..

    i need to stay on this path, stay positive, and the next phase will come. while I kinda need/miss romance, deep down i know that where i am now it's good to be alone .. the pmo thing .. but also other aspects of my life.. getting my head straight and healthy and positive, and generally enjoying being alone and my own space is good, and feels like preparation for the right one to saunter into my life.

    yeah.

    ..

    all the best

    kalx
     
  16. jankal

    jankal Member

    some strange urges today.. triggered by someone's facebook post.. about fricking sex dolls.. ugh. ended up googling it though I have zero.1 interest in such things. could have escalated but I stopped it short. no Peeking.

    interesting when popping into town where I'm usually triggered by my hosiery fetish.. but recently I've been noticing but then just looking away / ignoring.. and actually it all seems a little less enticing, which is great.. I guess I'm slowly distancing the two things.. (fetish + desire to pmo)

    I've not been drunk drunk since around Xmas which is key, but there's a big do next week, and I'm totally gonna get shitfaced.. still a little worried about the day after.. it's in that state where all resolve and will disappears completely.. hopefully will try and keep busy, maybe arrange to meet friends for lunch / dinner to keep me away from my stinking hungover bed.. anyway, if I can get passed that, will be great

    anyways, hope all's good

    kalx
     
  17. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    Good to see you're still here bud:) And 47 days looks impressive. I myself went off the track and mounting a comeback
     
  18. jankal

    jankal Member

    hey jjveetec

    good to hear from you, glad to hear you're back on The Project.. yeah going well this time.. last year was a write-off with weekly relapses..

    today's been weird though.. just been looking at escort sites .. don't know why. haven't looked at anything this phase til today.. looked away/scrolled past anything P-looking.. i was just looking at faces, and reading profiles. don't know why. and it was about to escalate to a P peek.. but restrained and came here.. but still, don't know this suddenly happened today..

    ok, no more.

    all the best

    kalx
     
  19. jjveetec

    jjveetec Well-Known Member

    Thanks for a kind word.
    I am in no position to advise anyone about anything because I'm in the hole myself and it would be like asking blind man to guide you.

    But this peeking - I know the feeling and do everything to avoid it. I know that with me first I will watch some movie and then look up an actress to check her body parts. Then I will check escort sites and boom - I'm cooked. Sometimes whole process takes minutes, sometimes it's hours, sometimes 2-3 days. So I try to curb it at the source.

    I think we might have similar problem with attractive women in "specific clothing" but it's time to cut that off.

    I had to "give up" two women because of this nonsense. I was checking asses in leggings, and legs on the net, and then when the real thing - this smashing, super-sexy, 23 year old girl started to show interest in me, I had to say "no" in a way. Decline. And she was playing with me - showing me the REAL ass in REAL thing, teasing me in a friendly manner. And I was terrified. This is what this thing done to me.

    And than there was another one, model like, tall, super curvy, leggy 29 year old beauty who asked me to take her out and ..... well, I said, I'm too busy. All because of the google search and escort sites? ;) I was simply scared of intimacy, scared to death that I will fail again. Scared and nearly sure that my thing won't work. I could feel my testicles hurt from the last binge and nearly started laughing. I'm not very attractive and don't know what those women really wanted from me, but I know I could have taken it only if I was clean for 3+ months before!

    So now it's "forgetting" about my sexuality alltogether (utopia - but I am trying to get as close as possible). It's egoistic, I know, but I want to jump on the next opportunity like that if it presents itself.

    I came here after long time and my counter showed 88 days! And it wasn't so long ago when I set it up, and then binged for all this time. I thought it might have been maybe a month or something. And than I thought maybe if I only abstained since then, now I could take this woman somewhere, and talk to her and maybe have sex with her.

    I don't want to come here after another 88 days only to see another wasted 3 months in the limbo.

    Sorry for a long confession - I hope it didn't trigger you in any way. Advise from a blindman is: fuck it. Don't look at those things, Start to meditate, work, work out, take a cold shower, go for a trip, go to the park - whatever. From my experience it goes away if you can stay away for 24-48 hours. Anytime I start googling and peeking and don't stop it right away I have a setback and have to start over again.
     
  20. jankal

    jankal Member

    hey jjveetec

    good to hear from you, no need to apologise nor quantify your position to be able to give advice - we're all accountable here and i welcome your words, they've helped..

    well man take your recent events as a positive that women want you .. when you're ready, they'll still be there.. and you should be proud of yourself for knowing you're not ready. knowing thyself. and yeah i hear you about letting go of the ego and sexuality completely..

    i recently came to the realisation that this is going to take some time and that's cool. I will need to do this for at least a year to see good effects.. totally ignoring sexual thought. but the slow burn is working slowly too.. don't know if my resistance to peek or pmo for the last month and a half is in line with the flatline feeling.. i've just not been bothered by sex. today was a resurgence of those thoughts but I a mainly quelled it which is good. but a great thing happened.i caught myself fantasising. stopped myself, started again, but then, for the first time in like my whole adult life I found myself fantasising about just very normal sex - no kinks, no perversions, no frills, no camera view .. just a naked girl and an intimate moment.. felt great! but still I stopped myself. guess my mind is rewiring..

    slowly...

    thanks for the advice man, I do need to make sure I'm busy or go out for a walk etc on the hangover days.. or when the urges come.. make. myself. do .it

    best

    kalx
     

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